Adoption Question

[rlmiller10]

Drain I admire you for even considering it. When we were looking into adopting (I had been snipped years before meeting my wife) we didn't even consider Russia due to the high probability of fetal alcohol syndrome. We ended up with Guatemala, great foster mom until the paper work completed and we could bring her home.

All I can say is follow your heart. Once my daughter was in my arms, I don't think it would have mattered if she had an IQ of 55. (she is no Rhodes scholar, she is average) She was my daughter and that was all that mattered. When I put her to bed and she puts her arm over me as she goes to sleep, I know I will do whatever is needed to get her to adulthood and on her own. Amazing how that becomes a priority.

But be realistic, medical care is expensive. Don't get in over your head. You can't save the world. But there is one child out there you can save. It is not selfish to select one that you can do the most good for.

 

[FatDragon]

Does anyone have experience getting a child that needed extensive physical and occupational therapy?

My wife expressed interest in a little boy on the agency's site. He's turning 3 this year, but appears to be underweight and is lagging on motor skill development...he's bow-legged and can't stand up or walk under his own power yet. He's a cute little guy, but I was curious how easy it would be to get him caught up once he starts receiving one-on-one attention.

He also has an undeveloped right eye, but my wife works for an ophthalmology practice, so at least we'll be able to get him excellent care on that end.

Some friends here in China have adopted six special needs boys and advocated for many more - the mother has actually moved from teaching to doing in-country home studies and just ran an adoption camp that paired almost thirty special needs orphans with prospective families.

Their boys spent 3-5 years each in their orphanages where they were marginally fed and clothed and otherwise mostly ignored, as is the case in most orphanages here. They came out of the orphanages damaged and delayed as you would expect from that kind of early childhood, but they are all capable, independent, happy kids now, living full lives in a family where they are cared for. It can be very hard to deal with for the first several months or longer, but the damage of the orphanage upbringing can be healed and your child can catch up with his peers developmentally.

Adopting a special needs child who is a couple years old already is a bit of a double whammy. He'll likely need lots of care early on and his behavior and reactions to you may mostly be very discouraging for quite a while as he acclimates to being with his new family. When he gets over that, you still have time and expense to devote to helping him overcome or heal his disabilities. On a scale of good things you can do in your life, adopting a kid like that is way up high on the list, and your child can be a huge blessing in your lives, but it's not an easy thing to do so you have to be prepared in advance for the challenges your new kid will bring.

Whether you adopt this boy or another child (I'm a little late to the party and I haven't read past this post yet, so maybe that's already been answered), blessings on your decision to adopt and may the process go smoothly and you and your child both be blessed by the adoption.

Rock on, man!

 

[bosster01]

The nature of the specific disability has a lot of impact on the prognosis/eventual outcome.

For social issues - some kids will cope fantastically after being placed in a loving home. Others may suffer psychologically for quite a long time. No one can really say I suppose.

For bow leggedness - that typically signified a nutritional deficiency (vitamin D) which would be consistent with his anemia which is probably due to iron deficiency. Sometimes it heals on its own sometimes it requires treatment with either orthopedic bracing or surgery.

The other concern off hand with anemia is a genetic hemoglobinopathy such as alpha/beta thalassemia... but without sophisticated genetic tests you'd never know.

Regardless, I would recommend getting the best health insurance policy you can.

Personally, I agree with the previous poster who mentioned something about you can only help one (maybe 2) children, and there is no issue with selecting the one you believe you can help the most. I may end up pursuing this in the future, so I'm looking forward to updates on how it turns out for you.

 

[applescrap]

I felt about the same way. We did the initial checklist of which special needs we were/weren't willing to accept, and I was ok with letting them pick for us. Now that we are actively taking a role in picking, I started worrying about long-term consequences of this condition vs that one, are we choosing right, etc.

Oddly enough, SWMBO--who is usually the worrier--is now totally focused and I'm the one who is nervous. We're still working on assembling our dossier, so sht got real in a hurry.



They provided 3 medical screenings, although it was limited on mental/emotional development. His vitals look good, aside from being underweight and possibly borderline anemic. The instructional videos we've been watching say that on average, every 3 months in institutional care results in 1 month of developmental delay, which could explain his crawling. They also said that he seems detached from the other kids...he likes to watch them play, but gets fussy and nervous when they try to let him play directly with them.

This is my wifes business, however she does domestic open adoptions. Having a child from birth I think is a better option. 3 years of potential neglect from another country can bring some difficult behaviors. Some of these adoptions can ruin families. Attachment disorder is real, the younger the child likely the better Mental Health. Who ever said about you love your child no matter what was right. I think mental health of the child is key. If you would like me to ask her some questions let me know and best wishes to you

 

[drainbamage]

Thanks all for your responses! Things have been moving very quickly lately. After consulting with an international adoption clinic and an oculoplastic surgeon, we have a reasonably good idea of where he stands developmentally. The clinic looked over his limited medical records and the pics/videos we've been provided by the agency. Although there isn't a whole lot of info to go by, they did see noticeable improvement from his March screening to the May one. They also said that his skull measurements and birth weight appeared within normal limits, so they did not expect any permanent neurological problems beyond just the limited care and individual attention in the orphanage.

Last week, we received our official letter of acceptance from China allowing us to adopt him (pending completion of the dossier and the US immigration forms). So we did things out of order, but at least it's still progressing!

I've had a couple of...maybe not "heated", but strained conversations with my parents about the whole process in the last couple of weeks. Although their concerns have been mostly presented from an angle of "we just don't think you understand what you're getting yourself into" (which, believe me, I've played out 1000 ways in my head that I could screw this up), I think there's also some resentment that we "gave up" too early on the possibility of biological children. I have hopes that they'll warm up to him once he's over here, but I also have concerns how things will be if/when my sister has kids of her own.

On a brighter note, my wife got an email from the adoption agency yesterday. We received a donation of $3000 from a complete stranger! She was a doctor with 2 adopted sons who were also born with one eye, and when she saw we were giving this little guy a chance, she wanted to do something to help out. It's nice to have some of your faith in humanity restored once in a while.

 

[m00ps]

Good for you man. No offense, but screw your parents. The older generations are way too attached to the idea of their "bloodline" continuing. This isnt Game of Thrones dude. Plus, in my case, I wouldnt even want to pass down the genes from one side of my family. The other side is a complete mystery. So I guess what Im saying is unless you and SWMBO got perfect genes, they shouldnt be ragging on you about it

 

[applescrap]

Glad to hear things are working out for you. You sound like you're going to be a great father and being a parent is awesome and rewarding. My wife met and became friends with a woman who made an awesome adoption movie. I think it is called closure and I think it is on Netflix. It's really good and will make you cry. Everybody thinks her biological mom is like my mom not so much in how they look, but the things she says. It's a really cool documentary with awesome music.

 

[drainbamage]

Good for you man. No offense, but screw your parents. The older generations are way too attached to the idea of their "bloodline" continuing. This isnt Game of Thrones dude. Plus, in my case, I wouldnt even want to pass down the genes from one side of my family. The other side is a complete mystery. So I guess what Im saying is unless you and SWMBO got perfect genes, they shouldnt be ragging on you about it

Oh, they're old-fashioned for sure. I do think once we physically have the child (any child) in our possession, the overwhelming sentiment of "D'AWWW BABBY" will take over, and they'll warm up. For comparison, they got freaked out when we picked up our part-Pitbull mutt, until they actually spent some time around her and realized she was a big lovable goofball and not a killing machine.

SWMBO's father is actually adopted as well, so the genes on that side are somewhat of a mystery. We know there's some kind of degenerative knee condition that they both got. I've got pretty much every eye problem known to man on my mom's side, so the kid would be screwed with that either way.

Glad to hear things are working out for you. You sound like you're going to be a great father and being a parent is awesome and rewarding. My wife met and became friends with a woman who made an awesome adoption movie. I think it is called closure and I think it is on Netflix. It's really good and will make you cry. Everybody thinks her biological mom is like my mom not so much in how they look, but the things she says. It's a really cool documentary with awesome music.

Thanks, I'll have to check that out.

 

[bosster01]

Oh, they're old-fashioned for sure. I do think once we physically have the child (any child) in our possession, the overwhelming sentiment of "D'AWWW BABBY" will take over, and they'll warm up. For comparison, they got freaked out when we picked up our part-Pitbull mutt, until they actually spent some time around her and realized she was a big lovable goofball and not a killing machine.

SWMBO's father is actually adopted as well, so the genes on that side are somewhat of a mystery. We know there's some kind of degenerative knee condition that they both got. I've got pretty much every eye problem known to man on my mom's side, so the kid would be screwed with that either way.



Thanks, I'll have to check that out.

How are things going - just curious to hear how the process is playing out for you.

 

[drainbamage]

How are things going - just curious to hear how the process is playing out for you.

Things are oddly calm, as most of the paperwork is out of our hands for the moment. We got one whole set of documents notarized, authenticated at county, state, and federal levels, and bound for the dossier.

The I-800A (immigration) form has been reviewed by Homeland Security, and we go get fingerprinted on Wednesday to confirm that we still aren't in ISIS and whatnot. Once that happens, we receive preliminary approval for his immigration, and should be heading down the home stretch for getting the dossier compiled and sent to China.

All things considered, we're probably looking at this fall for going over and getting him.

 

[FatDragon]

Things are oddly calm, as most of the paperwork is out of our hands for the moment. We got one whole set of documents notarized, authenticated at county, state, and federal levels, and bound for the dossier.

The I-800A (immigration) form has been reviewed by Homeland Security, and we go get fingerprinted on Wednesday to confirm that we still aren't in ISIS and whatnot. Once that happens, we receive preliminary approval for his immigration, and should be heading down the home stretch for getting the dossier compiled and sent to China.

All things considered, we're probably looking at this fall for going over and getting him.

Bring him by Wuhan for a homebrew or three!

 

[drainbamage]

Bring him by Wuhan for a homebrew or three!

We'll be traveling to Luoyang to get him, which--by China standards--isn't all that far away from you. But from the sound of it, we'll be in a group with other adoptive couples and guides/translators, so even our sightseeing will likely be done on a schedule. I'm not sure we'd have any opportunities to roam, otherwise I'd totally take you up on that!

 

[drainbamage]

The fingerprinting appointment yesterday went less than stellar. Well, mine was fine, but my wife had all kinds of issues. They had two techs (or whatever you want to call them) doing the screening, a man and a woman. My wife got called back first, and went to the woman's workstation. From the waiting area, I could hear the woman talking in an annoyed tone, but I couldn't really catch all of the conversation. The male tech called me back and ran through my screening. Pretty straightforward, took maybe 10 minutes. I finished up and walked out, but my wife was still in the screening room. Odd.

I sat and waited another several minutes until she came out front, obviously agitated. Once we got outside, she told me the female tech was extremely rude and when she could not get a set of reliable prints from my wife, she got even nastier, jerking her hands around and trying to reposition them on the scanner.

Backstory: after a childhood accident, my wife lost part of the tip of her right ring finger, so that finger is slightly shorter than normal and has an irregular print. Her right pinky is also a little irregular. She said she tried to explain this to the tech, who kept saying stuff like "oh, you think you know how to do my job?" and "I hope they reject your prints."

Once I finished up, the tech had the man come over and do her scans, which he did without issue. The female tech, apparently still not satisfied with the results, went back and redid half the scans, although she never got good ones on SWMBO's right ring and pinky fingers.

So, my wife's beside herself, afraid this miserable woman is either going to either submit a bad set of prints, or not submit them at all out of spite, and her background check is going to fail. Not only that, but she came home from work yesterday to show me that her right wrist was sore and swollen from getting worked over by the tech. I told her she should consider filing a complaint of unprofessional conduct, but she's afraid that doing so might also jeopardize her application. "Snitches get stitches," and all that.

 

[applescrap]

Im so sorry to hear. Are they part of the adoption agency? I dont think they can screw you over. Worse thing is they can make you do them again, because your state cant run them, would be my guess. You guys were probably right to let it go. I am sick of stuff like that and as you all know I won't put up with any of it. Too often though I think it just leads to me being the bad guy. I don't know what happened to being cool and nice and respectful. A lot of times you ask to speak to a manager and the manager acts just like them. She has probably been given permission to be a jerk from somewhere. Keep on course though because it sounds like you are getting close. How long do you have to stay in china?

 

[drainbamage]

They were Customs & Immigration (aka Federal) employees, so no affiliation with the adoption agency. Funny thing was, the first time we had to get fingerprinted for the FBI, we had to go over to this little Kinko's-type print shop in Uptown Cincinnati, and that guy got a clean set of prints with no undue hardship. He had take take 2nd scans of a couple, but still nothing like this ordeal.

We'll be in China for about 2 weeks once it gets to that point.

 

[drainbamage]

Despite the fingerprint tech's best efforts, our last background check came through fine (and ahead of schedule!). Now, for one last round of notarization, authentication, re-authentication, and re-re-authentication, and we can send the whole shebang off to Beijing fo' realz. At that point, they project about 3 months until we actually travel. Of course, most of the other steps have turned around faster than expected. I'm told part of that is because not much happens policy-wise with these government agencies (on our end) in an election year, so the paperwork gets completed quicker.

On another positive note, my parents seem to be warming up to the whole idea. They've been asking more questions about the process and about him, and they appear to be genuinely interested. My mom has also been working on making some sensory stimulation toys for him to play with once he gets here, which the social worker said would be very important on catching him up developmentally. I know it's still early, but maybe they've come to accept that he's the only grandchild they'll have until my sister decides to have kids. Which, she and her husband are both looking at switching jobs, so I don't think babby is on their radar right now.

 

[m00ps]

thats good news man. So the background checkers had zero issues with you being a werewolf sheriff doctor? interesting

 

[drainbamage]

thats good news man. So the background checkers had zero issues with you being a werewolf sheriff doctor? interesting

Well, I'm properly licensed, so...

 

[drainbamage]

Quick update: our dossier is completed and arrived in Beijing earlier this week. It will probably be another week before we hear something back, at which time we'll begin finalizing the immigration forms.

 

[applescrap]

So how long until travel, finalization? Excited for you.

 

[drainbamage]

Depends on how quickly we can get his visa processed, get a US birth certificate, etc. Most steps to date have gone slightly quicker than expected. We're expecting to travel late fall.

 

[m00ps]

i smell a vacation giveaway

 

[drainbamage]

i smell a vacation giveaway

Winner gets all the crappy rice lagers I can bring home!

Not a bad idea though. Stay tuned.

 

[m00ps]

winner gets god-parent rights

 

[drainbamage]

Our Letter of Approval (LOA) should be arriving any day now, which means we are formally matched with the child, and everything beyond that point is just a formality of coordinating the visas and travel plans.

Also, one of SWMBO's coworkers has a friend that was getting rid of a kid's bed. When she heard about us, she offered it free of charge, so we picked that up over the weekend. Now I guess it's time to stock up on car seats and diapers and all that other stuff.

View attachment 1473252973100.jpg

 

[dryboroughbrewing]

Man, why didn't I think of putting the kid in the garage and the brewery upstairs... you sir are a genius.

 

[drainbamage]

Man, why didn't I think of putting the kid in the garage and the brewery upstairs... you sir are a genius.

The beer is a lot less forgiving on temperature control.