Stupid Joke Thread!

[homebrewer_99]

I know...I still have my collection from the 70s, over 300 LPs.

FWIW, I also have a (working) 10" Teac Reel-to-Reel.

 

[ba-brewer]

I thought all the hipsters were into vinyl now. But they probably think it's a new invention.

I heard it also recreated a market for pot with seeds.

 

[Robert65]

I know...I still have my collection from the 70s, over 300 LPs.

FWIW, I also have a (working) 10" Teac Reel-to-Reel.

Teac for the win!!!

If I was still all obsessed and hypnotized by all the audio gear I had when I was a kid, I'd never make it for the Early Bird Special at 4 PM. Wait, back then, all that gear seemed to somehow be involved in my always being hungry at 4 PM anyway... [emoji848]

 

[AkTom]

What do you get if you put a leash on a pig???



pulled pork.

 

[AkTom]

What do you call 2 monkeys shopping Amazon on line???




Prime mates!

 

[Schlenkerla]

Q. Do you know where they make averages?

A. At a Satisfactory.

 

[day_trippr]

[The joke is, if you send a joke via UDP you don't care if they get it ]

 

[applescrap]

What dance does a turkey do on thanksgiving?
The twerky

 

[Schlenkerla]

Want to hear a joke about pizza?

Never mind, it’s too cheesy.

 

[Schlenkerla]

What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?

The pizza can feed a family of four.

 

[Schlenkerla]

What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?

They can smell it but they cant eat it!

 

[BruceH]

A man goes into the doctors office. He has carrots in his nostrils, spaghetti hanging off of his ears, and green beans sticking out of his ears.

The doctor asks why the man is there, the man says "I don't know doc, I just don't feel right".



The doctor says "well, you aren't eating right".

 

[homebrewer_99]

A guy knocks on the door of a whorehouse. A little door slides open at eye level.

The voice behind the door says: Wadda ya want?
The guy says: I wanna get f8cked.
The voice says: Push $50 through this door.

After he pays the little door closes. He waits and waits and, well after 5 minutes of waiting he knocks on the door again.
The little door slides open.

The voice says: Wadda ya want?
The guy says: I wanna get f8cked.
The voice says: Again? LOL!

 

[homebrewer_99]

CORONA cures LIME disease...

 

[day_trippr]

 

[homebrewer_99]

All I know about chemistry is K9P comes from a dog.

All I know about electricity is a TRAN-SISTER is a nun who had a sex change.

 

[day_trippr]

"I ran out of toilet paper, so have been using old newspapers.
The Times are rough..."

 

[ba-brewer]

I'll just let your imagination go on this one....View attachment 672441

My girlfriend was so tall when we were toe to toe my nose was in it, and when we were nose to nose to my toes were in it.

 

[Sebastian Weetabix]

My girlfriend was so tall when we were toe to toe my nose was in it, and when we were nose to nose to my toes were in it.

I opened the attachment and my first thought was trying to inoculate an elephant with an insulin needle!

 

[CKuhns]

Do you know why COVID 19 has created a Toilet Paper shortage?

1 person sneezes and 10 people Sh&t themselves.

 

[ba-brewer]

Eat more beans to aid social distancing.

 

[AkTom]

What is the leading cause of dry skin???




Towels.

 

[Sebastian Weetabix]

Do you know why COVID 19 has created a Toilet Paper shortage?

1 person sneezes and 10 people Sh&t themselves.

BEST explanation for the tp shortage I have seen!

 

[Imhoppy]

What did the bartender say to the turkey sandwich when it tried to order a beer?

“Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

 

[AkTom]

How do you steal a coat?



You jacket.

 

[Imhoppy]

Why did the invisible prostitute turn down the job offer?

She couldn't see herself doing it.

 

[Sebastian Weetabix]

I’m waiting for someone to jump out from the tv and yell, “APRIL FOOLS!” about Covid 19.
Unfortunately, this ain’t no joke.

Everyone remember, Six feet apart or six feet under. It’s up to YOU.

Stay safe.

 

[501irishred]

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

 

[balrog]

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can't believe I lost The Rock's paper scissors.

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

My ex-girlfriend ate all my hummus.

I was so angry I broke up with her. I told that chick, peace!

 

[Sebastian Weetabix]

The farmer decides to prank his grandchildren so he collects the fresh eggs from the chickens
and gives them very bright colors. The eggs are quietly returned to the nests for the children to collect later in the day.
The head rooster goes into the henhouse and spies the brightly colored eggs and is furious!
The rooster rushes out and beats the crap out of the peacock!

Animal husbandry in the South!

HOPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

 

[Sebastian Weetabix]

I’m not saying that I have started to drink a tiny bit more, but

The guy that picks up my recycling left a brochure for AA on my bin.

 

[BongoYodeler]

Corona-virus humor. I'm sure there's a lot of these going around, but I'll add this one:

Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!
Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!
Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??
Day 4 – 8:00pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.
Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!!
Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m So excited, I can’t decide what to wear.
Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!
Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”.
You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have No clue how this place is still in business.
Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping.
Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.
Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”
Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.
Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3–1.
Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?
IS THIS YOU, yet?

 

[Immocles]

Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.

That cracked me up more than it should! Got my wife with it too, haha.

 

[BongoYodeler]

That cracked me up more than it should! Got my wife with it too, haha.

Yeah, that got me too.
I'm thinking about putting #9 on my to-do list.

 

[S-Met]

That cracked me up more than it should! Got my wife with it too, haha.

I think I repeated it at work at least a few times today. Added that his website gets a lot of hits.

Going to meme 9 and 13 when I find the right pics.

 

[soccerdad]

I ordered Mexican takeout tonight and got Nachos.
I asked for the helicopter chips.
They said they only had plain.

 

[S-Met]

Corona-virus humor. I'm sure there's a lot of these going around, but I'll add this one:

Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!
Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!
Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??
Day 4 – 8:00pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.
Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!!
Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m So excited, I can’t decide what to wear.
Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!
Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”.
You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have No clue how this place is still in business.
Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping.
Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.
Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”
Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.
Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3–1.
Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?
IS THIS YOU, yet?

I think I repeated it at work at least a few times today. Added that his website gets a lot of hits.

Going to meme 9 and 13 when I find the right pics.

memes posted on the generator page.

 

[S-Met]

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the coronavirus strategy:


The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.


The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.


Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.


Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!”


The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.


Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.


The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter.”


The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.


Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.


In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ******** in Washington

 

[soccerdad]

Something I learned in isolation.

Never throw a surprise party for a skunk.