Stupid Joke Thread!

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It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.
The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers".
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.
The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.
The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.
"No," said the little girl.
So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," replied the little girl, "It is a puppy.
 
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A guy walks into a bar and approaches the bartender. "Can I have a pint of LESS, please?"

"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking puzzled, "Never heard of it. Is it a new kind of light beer?"

"I have no idea." says the man, "but I was at the doctor this morning and he told me I should drink LESS."
 
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says,

"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.
However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he
finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
 
Brooothru said:
No. It the Thermos bottle.

Iced drink or steaming hot coffee. It can keep either one in its preferred temperature state for hours on end.

But how does it know?
Click to expand...
But that doesn't work with the pun.

To answer your question - a thermos bottle is a heat flow blocker, and it blocks heat flowing into, or out of the vessel. It doesn't have to know which it is doing for any given contents.

Brew on :mug:
 
doug293cz said:
But that doesn't work with the pun.

To answer your question - a thermos bottle is a heat flow blocker, and it blocks heat flowing into, or out of the vessel. It doesn't have to know which it is doing for any given contents.

Brew on :mug:
Click to expand...
Of course it does; it has to know whether it’s blocking the flow in or out! 🤪
 
Subject: FW: : Psychiatrist vs. Bartender
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him:
“I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”
It's always better to get a second opinion
 
Three samurai were outside discussing their skills with a sword when a fly buzzed by. The first samurai drew his sword, sliced the fly in half and said, "That fly will never breathe again." Another fly came and the second samurai drew his sword and swung. The fly flew to the ground, wingless. The samurai said, "This fly will never fly again." When a third fly came by, the last samurai drew and swung and the fly buzzed away. The samurai said, "That fly will never reproduce again."
 
Last edited:
True? No idea. Funny? Yes!!

Actual writings in Mpumalanga Hospital Register in South Africa
1. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only
11kgs weight gain in the past three days.
5 She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. The patient refused autopsy.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
 
Jokes and such for St. Patrick's Day
Bring them on we Irish can take it. 😄

One Irish village had a new resident move in. He stopped into the local pub and ordered three beers, and subsequently had the same order every time he visited. Finally, the bartender asked him why he kept making that particular order. The man explained that he has two brothers, one of whom moved to America and the other to Australia, and that they agreed that every time they ordered a beer, they would make it three, as a way of keeping up the family bond.



That answer was delightfully received, and he became known throughout town as "the man who orders three beers".



After a few months, he stops into the same pub and orders... two beers. A hush immediately came over the place. The bartender, collecting himself, brought himself to sadly pour the beers, served them to the man, and offered his condolences.



"Condolences?" the man queried.



"Well, when you only ordered two beers, I kind of feared..."



The man takes a sip and replies, "You'll be happy to know that me brothers are alive and well. It's just that I meself have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
 
An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.

As he’s drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had too many drinks says, “Hey, what’s that little green thing down there?”
The green man runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a
raspberry, “SPLBLBLBLT!,” right in the face and runs back to
the Irishman.
The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman,

“Hey, what is that thing, anyway?”
The Irishman replies, “Have some respect. He’s a leprechaun.”

“Oh, all right.” the Englishman says sullenly. They all go
back to drinking beer.
An hour or so later, the Englishman is plastered.
“Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!” he says.

The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a
raspberry again, “SPLBLBLBLBT!”
This time the Englishman is really mad!

“Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again, I’ll Chop his
willie right off, I will!” he shouts.
“You can’t do that,” says the Irishman. “Leprechauns don’t
have willies.”

“How do they pee, then?” asks the Englishman.
“They don’t,” says the Irishman. “They go SPLBLBLBLBT.”
 
An Englishman, a Welshman, and an Irishman die on Christmas eve.

To get into heaven, St. Peter says, "You must have something on you that represents Christmas to get in”
The English man flicks on his lighter and says, "It's a candle"
St. Peter lets him pass.
The Welshman jingles his keys and says, " They are jingle bells"
St. Peter nods and lets him pass.
Then the Irishman steps up to the door and pulls a bra out of his jacket pocket.
St. Peter asks, "What does that have to do with Christmas?"
The Irishman answered, "They're Carols."


 
A 10-year-old girl asked her Irish mother, "Mom, how was I born?"
The mother smiled and replied, "Once upon a time, me and your father decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Dad put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more. Lovely leaves started bloom and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.
So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we forgot to wear a condom."

 

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