I spent a lot of time and effort childproofing my house. Somehow the kids still keep getting in...
Stupid Joke Thread!
- Thread starter Schlenkerla
- Start date
Help Support Homebrew Talk - Beer, Wine, Mead, & Cider Brewing Discussion Forum:
Wasn't sure where else to put this. I just got home from taking my wife to a colonoscopy procedure. It all went well, and while she's sleeping off the effects of the propofol I thought of this old comedy routine by the late Dennis Wolfberg who passed away nearly 30 years ago, far too young. I watched it again today and it still makes me laugh so hard that it brings tears to my eyes. He had such a unique delivery.
I love Propofol. It almost makes getting 'scoped worth it 
Cheers!
Cheers!
I was feeling depressed, so I went to a Psychiatrist. He told me the reason I was feeling that way was I'd gained too much weight. I told the Doc I should start feeling better soon, then, because I was in the process of getting rid of her... I mean "it"....
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2013
- Messages
- 7,805
- Reaction score
- 15,042
My cell phone accidentally took 10 minutes of video of my shoes.
It was some pretty good footage.
It was some pretty good footage.
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2013
- Messages
- 7,805
- Reaction score
- 15,042
I bought a sweater that was picking up way too much static electricity ... so I returned it. They gave me a replacement, free of charge.
Peter Marshall was the host of the TV game show Hollywood Squares from the late 60's until the early 80's. Here's some of the funnier questions and replies.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde : If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver : Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel : Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts : That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie : No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver : My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel : I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde : Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver : Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie : Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde : Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie : Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A Paul Lynde : Make him bark.
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde : Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver : It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde : Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel : Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A Paul Lynde : Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver : I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver : His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde : Point and laugh!
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde : If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver : Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel : Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts : That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie : No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver : My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel : I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde : Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver : Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie : Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde : Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie : Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A Paul Lynde : Make him bark.
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde : Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver : It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde : Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel : Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A Paul Lynde : Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver : I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver : His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde : Point and laugh!
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2013
- Messages
- 7,805
- Reaction score
- 15,042
I suspect someone's been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
The plot thickens.
My mother tells me I have to stop making breakfast puns.
If I keep doing it, I'm toast.
My brother keeps egging me on.
He's such a ham.
If I keep doing it, I'm toast.
My brother keeps egging me on.
He's such a ham.
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2013
- Messages
- 7,805
- Reaction score
- 15,042
Why are there Poptarts, but no Momtarts?
Because of the pastriarchy.
Because of the pastriarchy.
When I was young my grandmother told me they kept a pig during the war. It fed on the scraps. She said because they didn’t have a garden they kept it in the house.
I said what about the smell.
She said “the pig soon got used to it”
I said what about the smell.
She said “the pig soon got used to it”
- Joined
- Feb 16, 2012
- Messages
- 3,377
- Reaction score
- 4,298
- Location
- Either in the brewery or on the road
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my pet Boxer. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, but when I stopped to pee on a Fire Hydrant, I got hit by a car.
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, but when I stopped to pee on a Fire Hydrant, I got hit by a car.
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2013
- Messages
- 7,805
- Reaction score
- 15,042
Keep buying the Purina pet food it pays my pension. I worked 19 years for Nestle Purina.
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2013
- Messages
- 7,805
- Reaction score
- 15,042
Is that why the chocolate sometimes tastes fishy?
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2013
- Messages
- 7,805
- Reaction score
- 15,042
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2013
- Messages
- 7,805
- Reaction score
- 15,042
Actually, dynamite was invented to make nitroglycerin much safer to handle. I would much rather have someone throw me a stick of dynamite, than an equivalent vial of nitroglycerin. The inventor was Alfred Nobel, and the fortune he made from the invention funds the Nobel Prizes.
Brew on
- Joined
- Feb 16, 2012
- Messages
- 3,377
- Reaction score
- 4,298
- Location
- Either in the brewery or on the road
Trinitrotoluene (TNT), if I remember my Basic Chemistry.Actually, dynamite was invented to make nitroglycerin much safer to handle. I would much rather have someone throw me a stick of dynamite, than an equivalent vial of nitroglycerin. The inventor was Alfred Nobel, and the fortune he made from the invention funds the Nobel Prizes.
Brew on
A poor man is waiting on a a dinner for shipping magnates and he asks one of these magnates why are you so rich and I’m so poor. The rich man says it’s because I work for Cunard.
The poor man replies I’ve worked f##king hard all my life and I’m still poor.
The poor man replies I’ve worked f##king hard all my life and I’m still poor.
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2013
- Messages
- 7,805
- Reaction score
- 15,042
Ya learn something ya thought ya knew on this site just about every single danged day
And it's always something that you don't know how you lived without.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of Buffalo, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 120 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Wheeling WV archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Woodsdale. Shortly after, a story in the The Intelligencer read, "WV archaeologists, reporting a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.
One week later, a local newspaper in Barton Ohio reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Hell’s Kitchen, Pete Riley, a hell of an engineer and a self-taught archaeologist and gynecologist reported that he found absolutely nothing. Riley has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ohio had already gone wireless."
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Wheeling WV archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Woodsdale. Shortly after, a story in the The Intelligencer read, "WV archaeologists, reporting a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.
One week later, a local newspaper in Barton Ohio reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Hell’s Kitchen, Pete Riley, a hell of an engineer and a self-taught archaeologist and gynecologist reported that he found absolutely nothing. Riley has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ohio had already gone wireless."
- Joined
- Feb 16, 2012
- Messages
- 3,377
- Reaction score
- 4,298
- Location
- Either in the brewery or on the road
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2013
- Messages
- 7,805
- Reaction score
- 15,042
Oh this is choice
huckdavidson
Well-Known Member
A pharaoh makes a reservation in a restaurant:
"Can I reserve a table for two?"
"Sure just give me a name."
"Semerkhet."
"Would you spell it for me?"
"Bird, double triangle, wavy line, another bird, dog head, sun, scarab..."
"Can I reserve a table for two?"
"Sure just give me a name."
"Semerkhet."
"Would you spell it for me?"
"Bird, double triangle, wavy line, another bird, dog head, sun, scarab..."
When I was young in the late 50’s early 60’s my mum bought my clothes from the Army and Navy stores.
I was the only kid dressed like a Japanese General.
I was the only kid dressed like a Japanese General.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $10,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, and his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $10,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $10,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, and his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $10,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2013
- Messages
- 7,805
- Reaction score
- 15,042
Ouch
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2013
- Messages
- 7,805
- Reaction score
- 15,042
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2013
- Messages
- 7,805
- Reaction score
- 15,042
I went to the doctor and said, doctor sometimes I feel like a wigwam and sometimes like a Teepee. He said I know your problem you’re two tents.
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2013
- Messages
- 7,805
- Reaction score
- 15,042
Similar threads
