I'm this close to giving up. Seriously.

[thdewitt]

My wife and I had some major problems early in our marriage. I ended up screwing up and my wife demanded I go to counseling or she wanted a divorce. I really did not want to go, but I agreed. I was very worried the female counselor would take my wife's side because I ultimately made the last mistake that got us to counseling. Long story short, the counselor did not take my wife's side and actually threw a lot of the blame her way. After a few visits of that my wife no longer thought we needed counseling. I thought it was great. I finally had someone on my side. We have been married 11 years now and have 3 kids.

 

[Beernip]

Unfortunately, the only male Ph.D marriage counselor I could find doesn't work fridays. And that's my wife's day off. Everyone else is a female LMPC or whatever that one is.

Heh, the first time I heard about PMDD I was like, gee, that sounds... uncanny. I did suggest she ask her OBGYN about Yaz but she went on O3C for a while instead because our insurance covered it. That made her totally batsh1t so we went back to condoms.

Honestly I would suggest a female counselor. Your wife may more easily take advice from a women and at the least she can't blame "men" for ganging up on her.

 

[nibiyabi]

My advice was by no means absolute -- the majority of female counselors are going to be thoroughly professional and not pick sides. I was assuming it was easy to find a therapist (like it is out here) and thus you'd have "pick of the litter", so to speak. If the counselor you meet doesn't live up to your standards (try to decide this during the first session), try another. Most are very good so you are unlikely to drop two or even one psychologist.

 

[bernerbrau]

Well I basically have the directory on my insurance company's web site, and I can search by distance from my home. In any case, I have an appointment set up for April 3 for us with a marriage counselor (Angela Mathew, M.S., LMFT -). Not a Ph.D., but she is a LMFT. I just have to be careful because apparently some bible-belt type colleges can also graduate LMFTs.

 

[kjung]

Good for you ! Good luck to you.

 

[IrregularPulse]

Well I basically have the directory on my insurance company's web site, and I can search by distance from my home. In any case, I have an appointment set up for April 3 for us with a marriage counselor (Angela Mathew, M.S., LMFT -). Not a Ph.D., but she is a LMFT. I just have to be careful because apparently some bible-belt type colleges can also graduate LMFTs.

Oh good luck. Glad to see the appt.
maybe call her to speak before the appt to get and idea on her religious views. i'd hate to see you marriage get counceled according to jesus, unles you model your life around that. Or just keep an eye out for her degree on her wall to see where it's from.

Sorta OT but Sorta On, I just heard some freinds of ours got divorced recently after being married maybe 2 years. They had a mutual agreement that they just rushed into things and weren't ready. She has now moved to Texas and he remains in Ohio. It was an easy mutually agreed upon divorce. Sometimes it doesn't work out, doesn't mean it's horrible or the people didn't try.

Hopefully you guys work things out and live happily ever after, just wanted to share a personal/on topic story with an opposite outlook on divorce than most posts here on the subject.

 

[Aleforge]

I don't have much to add as everyone has covered it, just wanted to say good luck to you and hope you guys get things worked out! Marriage is hard, and takes a lot of compromise and hard work. My wife and I had some rough early years and stuck through it.

 

[Reverend JC]

First-

Good Luck. It is hard reconciling differences.

Second-

Was this body shot done straight out of her Va-jayjay. If it was off the stomach or neck, what the hell is the big deal? Yes, if covered previously I am sorry. Not enough time to read it all at work.

 

[sterling214]

It's been said already, but is so important that it should be said again. What your family thinks should have ZERO bearing on how you handle your relationship with your wife. You are doing the right thing by trying everything to resolve your relationship problems. If you put in all the work that is needed on your end to fix the relationship, and you find that you just aren't going to be happy, divorce is the way to go.

 

[bernerbrau]

So last thursday I was out at the monthly centre{source} party when a friend offered me a ticket to Sharks@Predators in downtown Nashville. A tech company here in town provides the Predators with IT services, so they have a dedicated table set up for them in the party box, and my friend gives them a lot of word-of-mouth business. Dynamite location, plus free food (think fajitas, brisket, baked potatoes, dessert) and beer. So I leave her a text letting her know the situation and... well, the rest is history. Get a phone call in the car on the way there (with people listening) and I get bitched out (after all, she is the hockey fan, not me, so I had no reason to be going). Spend the whole time moping because I can't seem to snap myself out of the bad mood she's put me in. Get home and it's the Spanish Inquisition all over again. Get crap like "I don't know why you set up that appointment, it's going to be as obvious to her as it is to me that you're the one who needs changing". And of course in the morning she's all apologetic and "feels bad about what she said".

Again let me remind people that I only really get one night away per week, and most times I have to force myself to even try to be social.

Appointment in two days and I'm spending all my time worrying that the counselor will take her side, or make me "open up" and say something that makes the situation a thousand times worse. And all the same I feel like I shouldn't have wasted so much time in getting to a counselor.

Also, I realize I've been a bit of a ghost here lately. Can't do personal websites at work so I really only get a couple hours in the morning anymore. According to my wife "it's not healthy to be on the computer all day". It's my freaking JOB to be on the computer all day.

 

[mmb]

Don't stress it. Counseling will bring up issues on both sides. The whole speck you your eye, log in theirs issues. You have to remember that counseling isn't a silver bullet. It's not going to "fix" your relationship. You guys will have to do it. Counseling is just going to attempt to get the real issues out there so that they can be uncovered and addressed.

Unfortunately, it sounds like she's already distancing herself from it. Look at it this way. If you went bat **** crazy on her verbally the night before and then were 'all apologetic and "feels bad about what you said" would you get the same consideration that you give her?

Pulling for you, berner.

 

[sterling214]

I agree with mmb. Anything that comes out in counseling will be something that truly needs to come out before you and your wife can move on and build a stronger relationship. A good counselor won't try to "fix" either of you, but will try to teach you both how to communicate and build trust. The most important thing for you to remember is that you are in this together, and while your wife may be skeptical about it, she is still going.

 

[david_42]

My previous position stands, but when a former GF and I went to counseling, SHE picked the counselor, SHE did the talking and was finally told to STFU and let me tell my side. The counselor finally recommended we split.

 

[kjung]

As many of us have stated before, a good counselor won't pick sides. That's not their job. More than likely, this one will want individual appointments, as well.
Also, it's been my experience that it's usually the one who claims "I don't have the problem. YOU do," that has the problem.

 

[Snuffalupagus]

Hell, my closet is so full of skeletons I have to ferment in the living room. There's just no more space in there.

I've been married for almost 6 years now. My wife knows pretty much everything I did in my past. If she decided to bring up something that I did long before we were even married, she'd get the c*** punt PDQ.

Preach on brother Llama...


Bernerbits -
life is too short for that kind of BS - the B*** is bugging you about something you did 3 years ago... she's making rediculous accusations about your behavior when out networking with buisness contacts - this is totaly unacceptable! you need to nip this in the bud...

like right the eff now.

why sleep on the couch? why is it your job to crash on the couch after an argument?! tell that ***** SHE can go sleep on the couch if she has a problem!! what she gonna do if you just stay put? pick you up an move you? come on... show some balls.

just friggin ignore her when she gets all bent out of shape -an argument takes two people, if one of you just ignores the other it's called yelling... she wants to yell? ok, fine...
buy an i pod - tell her to piss off and then pop those earbuds in and listen to some tunes if she gets too loud. or even better - increase those social networking evenings to about 5-6 per week... and turn off you bloody phone while you are at them.

see where I'm going with this? - this relationship is dead. so just finish it off already and be done with it.

read on on how to do this...

at this point all I can say to you is: get her to hit you... HARD. make sure she leaves a mark - preferably she should hit you with something other than her hands or feet. imediately after this happens, call the police - and have her arrested for assault and battery. make sure the PD takes some nice pics of the bruises/scratch/cut she left.
this SHOULD (key word = should) make the divorce more favorable to you financialy.

your wife sounds like a real shrew... poor bastard.

 

[shecky]

Preach on brother Llama...


Bernerbits -
life is too short for that kind of BS - the B*** is bugging you about something you did 3 years ago... she's making rediculous accusations about your behavior when out networking with buisness contacts - this is totaly unacceptable! you need to nip this in the bud...

like right the eff now.

why sleep on the couch? why is it your job to crash on the couch after an argument?! tell that ***** SHE can go sleep on the couch if she has a problem!! what she gonna do if you just stay put? pick you up an move you? come on... show some balls.

just friggin ignore her when she gets all bent out of shape -an argument takes two people, if one of you just ignores the other it's called yelling... she wants to yell? ok, fine...
buy an i pod - tell her to piss off and then pop those earbuds in and listen to some tunes if she gets too loud. or even better - increase those social networking evenings to about 5-6 per week... and turn off you bloody phone while you are at them.

see where I'm going with this? - this relationship is dead. so just finish it off already and be done with it.

read on on how to do this...

at this point all I can say to you is: get her to hit you... HARD. make sure she leaves a mark - preferably she should hit you with something other than her hands or feet. imediately after this happens, call the police - and have her arrested for assault and battery. make sure the PD takes some nice pics of the bruises/scratch/cut she left.
this SHOULD (key word = should) make the divorce more favorable to you financialy.

your wife sounds like a real shrew... poor bastard.

Wow, such compassion.

You make a lot of accusations without knowing the man's wife. Granted, it's a bad situation and mirrors my first marriage, as I've already stated. But let's stop jumping on berner, please. We each approach it in different ways.

 

[Picobrew]

Preach on brother Llama...

at this point all I can say to you is: get her to hit you... HARD. make sure she leaves a mark - preferably she should hit you with something other than her hands or feet. imediately after this happens, call the police - and have her arrested for assault and battery. make sure the PD takes some nice pics of the bruises/scratch/cut she left.
this SHOULD (key word = should) make the divorce more favorable to you financialy.

your wife sounds like a real shrew... poor bastard.

Ahhh... THIS is how I should be dealing with my problems too (wtf????)

 

[JesseRC]

Well alot of the folks saying to cut and leave are divorced, so I would stay stick with your guts and try to make it work. I know they speak from experience, but I do believe there is a perfect match for all of us. I really do think someone has to wear the pants in the relationship (doesn't matter who). If you both are trying to that may be a problem. If you're ok with her doing so then accept it and move on.

If you both love each other, well that is all that matters. You do have to accept each other's faults and honestly the unacceptable ones should be brought to the table as you have done and are doing so and discuss what can be done.

There is one thing that bothers me, that both of you donot go places together. My wife and I have been married for 9yrs and together for 17yrs. I can count on 1 hand the times that we have been apart and we enjoy being together. Even when we fight, we are still around each other.

At 1yr of marriage, I did something stupid. She caught me and forgave me. She's never brought it up again. I love her for that. I was a total ****** then, possesive and just and angry person. I have changed over the years, without her asking, but it was nice to know that we accept each other for who we are.

The point is, only you know why you are with her. The fact that you have posted on here for help is disturbing, I think talking to your best friend and lover is the true solution , even if it is with help of a therapist.

I can see why your upset at most of the poster's comments telling you to leave her, but you are kinda asking for it , aren't you. I mean you told her you talked to another woman at a party. Why would you do that, I mean its not like you did anything wrong, right? It's almost like you want her to get mad, or prove to her that other folks are interested in you. Lovers and partners don't treat each other that way. Sorry. Good luck.

 

[bernerbrau]

So this morning she slept in 15 minutes and spent the rest of the morning while getting ready for work berating me for not waking her up because she wouldn't be able to shower.

When I told her I didn't know I needed to wake her up, she went on the offensive. "So if I had slept in until 7 would you have just let me sleep? If we ever have kids and they have to be up for school are you just going to let them sleep? This just proves you couldn't care less about anything other than yourself."

Then she gets mad at me when I don't want to kiss her goodbye when she's leaving, and when I tell her I'm hanging out with friends tonight it's this whole "well I wish you'd be half as eager to spend time with me as you are when you spend time with them. I wish you cared about me and would do something for me once in a while." And when I try to defend myself she SHUSHES me and accuses me of interrupting and never letting her speak! And while I'm trying to bumble through a defense she just goes "whatever, I'm done" and slams the door.

Yeah, that's what I wanted this morning. A nice swift kick in the nuts. And ten more when I'm writhing on the ground, and then being told it's my fault when I protest.

I wonder if my happiness is worth $2000 a month in alimony, and every earthly possession but the car, birds and apartment. Because I don't live in a no-fault state.

I mean you told her you talked to another woman at a party. Why would you do that, I mean its not like you did anything wrong, right? It's almost like you want her to get mad, or prove to her that other folks are interested in you. Lovers and partners don't treat each other that way.

Uh dude, it's because she asks every time I go out if there were women and if I talked to them. I could always lie, but aren't healthy couples supposed to be honest with each other?

 

[mmb]

Berner, that's verbal abuse. Get that **** on tape and talk to some sort of legal representative or something. Very hostile, totally uncalled for and if you had been doing that and anyone else heard you'd be doing time or have a restraining order.

Seriously. That's not cool and you don't have to put up with it.

 

[bernerbrau]

What, that? That seems more like ordinary "irrational woman" talk. I mean, if Judd Apatow films and Everybody Loves Raymond are at all accurate.

 

[IrregularPulse]

Doesn't sound like things are exactly getting better brownie. Is the counseling not going well? Or did it never happen? Tell her to grow the F up and wake herself up on time if she doesn't like rushing around in the morning and that your not her father. $2000/month Alimony?? Where did this number come from? You guys have been married a few months, not like you've gotten her "used" to some lavish lifestyle and are dropping her. She has her own job, you have yours.

I could always lie, but aren't healthy couples supposed to be honest with each other?

You guys are far from a healthy couple. sorry.

Hopefully you're in therapy and it's just taking some time to work stuff out.

 

[IrregularPulse]

What, that? That seems more like ordinary "irrational woman" talk. I mean, if Judd Apatow films and Everybody Loves Raymond are at all accurate.

There you go Brownie, justify her behavior because you saw it on TV as a character.

IT'S NOT OK. And it's not normal "irrational woman" talk.

 

[bernerbrau]

Is the counseling not going well? Or did it never happen?

See above... we start tomorrow.

$2000/month Alimony?? Where did this number come from?

Well I just estimated a % of my income. It's still true that I'm the major provider in this marriage, and if a judge finds me to be at fault (which is extremely likely, because you can't prove verbal abuse and the feminist culture would have you believe that no woman is abusive) I'm the one who pays out the ass.

I think it has to do with how she handles anger. She pretends not to let anything bother her until she can't bottle it up any longer and explodes. Several weeks of everything's fine followed by (usually) 1-2 days of crazytown. Only this episode it has seemed more like nonstop crazytown.

 

[bernerbrau]

There you go Brownie, justify her behavior because you saw it on TV as a character.

If my behavior frustrates you, that's cool. I can understand. Just... ya know I don't need that right now.

 

[bernerbrau]

I could always lie, but aren't healthy couples supposed to be honest with each other?

You guys are far from a healthy couple. sorry.

You're right, but it hardly helps the situation to add dishonesty into the mix. You know what that looks like? "Oh, Derek found himself in a difficult situation in his marriage and decided to behave irresponsibly."

 

[dontman]

Reading the title of the thread, I say do it. You are too young to be in such a loveless marriage. Oh, you're kidding yourself if you think the helpless insecure clinging to each other that you two share is love. People who love each don't treat each other this way. Period.

When I was 16 my standard relationship was just like you describe too. We were always too insecure to believe that the other would stay with us so we would do our best to push the other away to prove our insecure suspicions correct. Your wife wants you to cheat on her to prove that she was right all along and she is doing her level best to ensure that this will happen.

When I reached emotional maturity (at around 30) these types of relationships just stopped for me. Only then did I meet the perfect mate. She and I have been together for 15 years and we have never raised our voices to each other once. One time, one time only, I got mad enough that I blurted out "F@#$ you" and we were both so shocked that we immediately started laughing and apologizing for our silliness.

When I was younger I never thought that it was possible to have such a perfect marriage and the only way I was able to luck into it was that I was single when it became possible. You should be too.

 

[sterling214]

Honest communication is what every relationship needs, and it is what strong relationships are built on. That being said, there is no reason to constantly need to check in with each other when you are apart, that implies a lack of trust. To me, just hearing your side of the situation and not being a consoler, it sounds like she needs to work on trust and you both need to work on healthy communication. Now more than ever in America marriages need to be more of a partnership, and very few of us grew up in that type of environment. Hopefully it all works out for you, just keep your chin up. Weather you are able to fix your relationship, or come to the realization that it can't be fixed, things will get better.

 

[kjung]

I wonder if my happiness is worth $2000 a month in alimony, and every earthly possession but the car, birds and apartment. Because I don't live in a no-fault state.


I could always lie, but aren't healthy couples supposed to be honest with each other?

You still have alimony in Tenn. ?? I'm willing to bet that since she works, a good lawyer can get that struck down. Especially if you can get the verbal abuse on tape.


Yes, a HEALTHY relationship should be based on truth, however, your relationship is NOT healthy ! My ex used to interrogate me after Monday Night Dart league, the same way that yours does whenever you go out. I also tried the honesty aproach. That changed REAL quick, and so did the cold shoulder treatment.

 

[IrregularPulse]

If my behavior frustrates you, that's cool. I can understand. Just... ya know I don't need that right now.

Well you posted in an internet forum obviously looking for opinions so there's mine. Take it or leave it.

You're right, but it hardly helps the situation to add dishonesty into the mix. You know what that looks like? "Oh, Derek found himself in a horrible marriage and was smart enough to take control of the situation and do what needed to be done to find a happy life for himself."

Fixed it for you

And from the original quote. Who is saying this about Derek behaving Irresponsibly? how old are you? I honestly get a vibe that you are a 14 year old letting his first girlfreind rule him because she's pretty and you're just a nerd, all while trying not to get in trouble with your mom.

I tried understanding your situation and feeling for you for the first few months of this, but **** dude, SPEAK UP. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Quit worrying about what everyone else is going to think of Derek. If you wanna worry about a group's opinion, worry about everything thinking your a giant Vag whose going to end up miserable and shooting himself when he's 35.

 

[drinkabeergle]

JFC, I finally read all 23 pages of this crap.

Fist off, I was in a 6month marrige (well, it ended up being a year after all the divorce BS and other crap I had to go through) with someone who had her own mental issues. I couldn't handle it, she was only willing to do the bare-minimum to say she was trying, and it did not end well.

Do I feel bad for leaving and divorcing her? Sometimes.
Is it still better to be getting my stuff together emotionally? You bet.

I read all the crap from you defending your wife, and about how you would feel like a failure if you didn't do everything to work it out, and I was in the exact same place.

After a while I would start to get more mad as the day went on because I knew I had to go home to her and her BS. I was super passive-aggressive with my feelings because I thought I wasn't doing enough for her and because I knew she had past issues that caused her instability. I defended her to friends, family, and everyone else until we both crossed the line and I couldn't do it anymore.

Really, props to you for trying and for doing counseling. Make sure she goes too! If she decides that she will do therapy, ask to have her sign-off on you calling in to make sure she goes.

Just don't let yourself think that everyone here is attacking you. True, there are people here that are of the 'put up or shut up' mentality, and there are some that went through similar and worse and finally left.

HOWEVER, everyone IS worried about you not getting hurt more than you already are and having your life turn out badly.

 

[kjung]

You're right, but it hardly helps the situation to add dishonesty into the mix. You know what that looks like? "Oh, Derek found himself in a difficult situation in his marriage and decided to behave irresponsibly."

Don't necessarily LIE to her, just don't tell her the whole truth. I believe the gov't calls it dis-information.

When she asks if there were other women there, you reply to the effect, "No more than normal." Truth
She asks, "Did you talk to any ?"
You reply, "I was... talking to my friends/playing pool/throwing darts/watching the game/listening to the band..." Truth, but not the WHOLE truth.
If she persists, "That doesn't answer my question !"
You reply, "The bartender/waitress was a woman, does that count ?"

 

[Cape Brewing]

I dunno... I've been reading this thread and haven't chimed in because no matter how much you share with folks on this thread Berner... none of us know EXACTLY what the situation is.

All I can say is life is WAY too short dude. As far as my "religious" beliefs go, you only get one ride on this little merry-go-round and taking cock-punches 24/7 to the point where you've bared your soul to a bunch of strangers (GOOD-guy strangers... but still strangers) on a brewing message board after such a short time married doesn't paint a great picture.

I kind of agree with IrregPulse... I would seriously check into the allimony situation because I'm not sure it's what you think it is. That sounds extremely excessive to me. If she was a supportive housewife that raised kids and took care of everything while you worked and supported the entire family financially, then the argument goes "she was an equal partner in the earnings and she is entitled to allimony"... It doesn't sound like that is your situation at all. And it doesn't sound like there's a "fault" situation here at all... at least not on your end... so I don't understand why you would have to pay alimony AT ALL. You don't pay alimony simply because you make more than her.

Lastly... even if you DO have to pay alimony... that's a pretty tough reason to stay with someone. I can't think of too many worse reasons to stay miserable and married than " I can't afford to be happy".

Just my two cents.

I hope things get better.

 

[bernerbrau]

I tried understanding your situation and feeling for you for the first few months of this, but **** dude, SPEAK UP. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Quit worrying about what everyone else is going to think of Derek. If you wanna worry about a group's opinion, worry about everything thinking your a giant Vag whose going to end up miserable and shooting himself when he's 35.

If all you can do is ***** at me for behaving immaturely, GO AWAY. I know I'm not handling this in the most ideal of all possible ways. I don't really have close friends and the people I consider myself close to I don't talk about my relationship problems with because if things do happen to improve things will always be weird between them and my wife. So this is the only venting I get. It sucks but that's the truth.

Everybody needs to knock of the "buh, well what the eff did you expect on an internet forum" crap immediately.

Several of you seem to think I'm doing nothing but making excuses to hang on. As much as I may seem to come across that way, please believe that that's not the case. Precisely BECAUSE I'm such a pushover, when someone tells me "you have to do this", I simply have to press and get more information, otherwise I'm just letting someone else tell me what to do. Please understand I'm trying to resolve this the best way I know how.

One of the most frustrating aspects of my life is when people tell me "you're too much of a pushover" then immediately tell me "you have to do this or that". If I take your advice you'll think I'm asserting myself when I really just did what you told me to do, and if I refuse to take your advice on face value then you'll assume it's because I'm letting someone else push me around. It's completely lose-lose.

SO PLEASE STOP TELLING ME I'M A PUSHOVER. PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TELLING ME THAT MY ENTIRE LIFE. YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO NOTICE, IT'S NOT GOING TO SOLVE ANYTHING, AND IT JUST HURTS MY FEELINGS.

Same goes for telling me I'm a 14-year-old twat for the way I'm handling this. I'm not exactly relationship-experienced, so cut me some effing slack.

I know the old adage goes you need to push a guy so he pushes back. That has never worked with me. So cut it out before I delete this damn thread once and for all, go back to my life where I have no outlet for my frustration, and accept defeat in this marriage.

I don't know if I've said it clearly enough yet, so here it is again: If all you're going to do is get mad at me, I don't need it. Period. So go hit a pillow or fire a gun or play some angry music or something but don't bother posting.

 

[Cape Brewing]

I think you just need to ask yourself a pretty basic question that none of us can answer for you...

- Do you think there is a real chance that things are going to improve?
... yes... then do you stick it out?
... no... do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

I think a majority of the guys are simply answering "no, and no" in their heads for you and are telling you to run and run fast.... which is a hell of a lot easier to type into a keyboard than actually do in person.

so... like I was saying, I think you just need to really think about the above questions, make a decision and head down that path.

 

[bernerbrau]

- Do you think there is a real chance that things are going to improve?
... yes... then do you stick it out?
... no... do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

It's not like I'm not thinking about these things. Counseling starts tomorrow, and I'm at least trying to see if there's half a chance to repair things.

The big thing is I don't have an answer to the first question yet, and yet so many guys are trying to rush me onto the next question.

But it could all be because I'm really just a 14-year-old girl who doesn't know how to end a relationship. Really, it could. F8ck now I'm crying. Guess I really am a little *****.

Sorry to have wasted everyone's time.

 

[IrregularPulse]

I am going to go away. I hope you find an answer and end up happy one way or the other. I may lurk when I see updates to see how your doing, but will try and refrain from posting. I just hope to see you grow into your self and not fade into someone lost in a depression state.

 

[bernerbrau]

Well now that I'm about to start counseling maybe I'll have an outlet for my issues and I won't have to come on here and just piss guys off. Like I say I gotta vent somehow. It's not like I could keep a diary, she'd find it and read it. At least here I can log off and she can't read what I'm writing.

 

[kjung]

IMO, the people that are telling you to grow up, you're acting like a 14 y.o., etc, have never been in your situation. Guys like myself, Shecky, et al, have been in crappy marriages, and know some of what you're going through, although every situation is different.
Take EVERY piece of advice with a grain of salt, and decide which you want to listen to. ONLY YOU can make that decision, along with the big ones.

 

[bernerbrau]

"Oh, Derek found himself in a horrible marriage and was smart enough to take control of the situation and do what needed to be done to find a happy life for himself."

Look, if you think it's cool to lie to someone you claim to care about, that's your prerogative. And I'm glad you've decided it's horrible and unsalvageable, but it's not ultimately your call.