SWMBO vs. Homebrew

Easy...HWMBO (really IWMBO)

This topic is near and dear to my heart. I've thought of giving up homebrewing more then a few times due to this. My wife doesn't like beer. We have 4 kids. Finding a window of 3-4 hours is almost impossible. My problem comes when I go over my estimated time. I say it will only take 3 hours, then 5 hours later, its 2 am, and shes been waiting up for me, and now she's pissed. Also, I thought it was funny that she got upset when I moved my brewing outside. Once I started with propane I obviously wasn't going to do it indoors anymore. She felt like I left her alone during that time... I don't really have an easy answer for you, but I think I need to get better at having more realistic guesses as to how long things take me.

You definitely don't want to take up all grain then. You'll easily add a couple hours to your brew day and your old lady will be pissed.

Definitely plan ahead and "run it by her" first a few days ahead of time. Reiterate how long it will take from start to absolute finish (very last piece of equipment cleaned and put away). That way she could plan ahead of time of things she might want to do. Think about it like this.

You would strongly appreciate it if she told you 3 days ahead of time that she planned on having girls night out (or whatever) on Wednesday and will be gone from 4-10. That gives you enough time to make your yeast starter for your brew that day!

mosquitocontrol said:

Definitely plan ahead and "run it by her" first a few days ahead of time. Reiterate how long it will take from start to absolute finish (very last piece of equipment cleaned and put away). That way she could plan ahead of time of things she might want to do. Think about it like this.

You would strongly appreciate it if she told you 3 days ahead of time that she planned on having girls night out (or whatever) on Wednesday and will be gone from 4-10. That gives you enough time to make your yeast starter for your brew that day!

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LOL... ditto on that yeast starter comment!

I run it by her about a week ahead of time, and she does the same for me. I tack on at least an extra hour to my estimated brew time. I'm usually quicker than my estimated brew time cuz I plan everything out on paper the day before.

It's easier to remember sh*t when ya write it down first, ya know? Esp. when ya burn as much as I do! :fro:

RegionalChaos said:

This topic is near and dear to my heart. I've thought of giving up homebrewing more then a few times due to this. My wife doesn't like beer. We have 4 kids. Finding a window of 3-4 hours is almost impossible. My problem comes when I go over my estimated time. I say it will only take 3 hours, then 5 hours later, its 2 am, and shes been waiting up for me, and now she's pissed. Also, I thought it was funny that she got upset when I moved my brewing outside. Once I started with propane I obviously wasn't going to do it indoors anymore. She felt like I left her alone during that time... I don't really have an easy answer for you, but I think I need to get better at having more realistic guesses as to how long things take me.

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Damn, I almost feel lucky my GF broke up with me... I got plenty of time now. Though she always approved of my homebrewing.

Irrenarzt said:

You definitely don't want to take up all grain then. You'll easily add a couple hours to your brew day and your old lady will be pissed.

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Actually I feel that if I get set up better, AG won't be too bad. I want to get a HLT on temp control, so I can set it and forget it. 15 minutes to set it up and set it, then walk away and do what ever else around the house, etc., then come back sometime after it hits temp, and dough in. After that leave the mash for an hour to do its thing, etc., then start my brew time... who knows though..

You'll definitely get better once you dial in your process with all grain. I actually can make three 10 gallon batches back to back to back on a weekend day now that I have my system down.

I have five daughters running around here so, yeah, time is precious. I've found that mashing Friday night and boiling on Saturday works really well. LOML is very cool about my brewing, woodworking, coffee roasting, whatever is next. Of course, during brewing there is a lot of down time during which I'll work on something around the house with her or just make coffee and yak a little.

Since my youngest is the highest maintenance, I'll keep her with me while I'm doing my thing which gives LOML a sanity break. Actually, that's probably the holy grail of peace-keeping in the Poppatopolis house. Happily married for 26 years so take it for what it's worth. She also likes my stout so that helps.

as much as possible i try to brew, and read about brewing, etc. When she's not home (like right now). She's more important, so she's my priority... fortunately she also loves my beer... so that wins me some points.

Just brew as often as you can, it sounds like you have a happy balance between SWMBO and Homebrew keep it up!

Give her a few beers and ask her to bellydance?

Mix belly dancing class and brewday?

SWMBO loves that I brew. She actually encouraged my return to the hobby. I think she may be beginning to regret it though...

Something about brewing 7 times in the last 1 1/2 months might have something to do with it

I am not telling anyone to get a divorce. I tried to make mine work. But in the end it is what she wanted and is what she got. And now i have less stress and am a very happy person again.

Irrenarzt said:

I'm not a dick about it either but if she acts up, she will be put in her place. Good thing is she rarely acts up.

It's just difficult hearing about all these guys who are so controlled by their old ladies around here. Just the fact that they call them SWMBO is difficult for me to comprehend. Sack up fellas and show them who is the man of the house.

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As harsh as that comes across, I have to admit that you do have a point. My wife has learned that the quickest way to get me to do something is to tell me that I can't! I've always started off in relationships playing the, "Sorry sweetie, what's wrong honey, please don't be mad at me" schtick and it always led to them trying to ride roughshod over me. I always had to get mean and slam my foot down to retain my rights as a human being! LOL!

My wife lets me do what I want and I allow her the same privilege. As long as we stay loyal to one another....the sky's the limit!! We're the best of friends.

The easiest way there is. I'm overly supportive of her stupid hobby's so she is supportive of mine. I don't drink obsessively and I don't spend all our money on brewing so she doesn't ***** about that.

I does help telling her about your brewing schedule. Just let her know that you plan on brewing a batch on Saturday morning and you should be done by [endtime + 2 hours]. ALWAYS add fluff so when you are done early they are happy.

GilaMinumBeer said:

Tell her that with your HomeBrewing she'll not need to buy makeups, pedicures, or fancy haircuts to keep herself pretty.

The beer goggles will take care of that.

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That's awesome. Told my wife that and she looked at me over her 'ol granny reading glasses and gave me the "you're an @sshole" look.

Funny stuff.

My wifes pretty cool about everything. She went to nursing school and I did everything around the house and I do mean everything as I work a full time job and we have 2 young kids and that nursing school was tough for her, she had about 4-5 hours of homework every night so I did all the laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning, and also made just enough time to finish the basement with a wine cellar and a wine making room. Now Im working another corner out of it for my electric brew stand set up but she dont care cause she really doesnt like to go up and down the stairs too much anyways due to a bad knee. You just have to give in to their needs to allow them to give in to yours, like many others have said its a give and take. I think that she might actually give in to the brewing shed soon as she cant stand the smell of me making beer in the house and Ive only done partial mashes inside and did all my ag's outside but now that Im set up electrically thats in the past, im not budging until she gives in to the shed!!!!! I didnt go through all this setting up to roll it out side!!!!!!!!

I'm quite lucky, my wife just gets it.

My wife just doesn't like it when I start a hobby and don't "use" the stuff I buy. I bought a guitar and she complained that it was too loud, so I started wearing headphones. When I started homebrewing she complained that it would end up like the guitar that I never use. I had to explain to her that I use it, but she just can't hear it now.

Another biggie is space. She likes a clean house and hates having ugly things around, or a messy or cluttered space. So long as I can continue to tuck my small kit away in some corner I'll be fine. I'm going to be screwed if I start AG...

Meh, mine just wants to know when the Creme Stout is going to be ready to drink....go figure.

If your lady is like mine and never bitches, when she asks you to lay off for a weekend your only answer is "Yes, dear i'd be happy to."

If you brew or "research" every free moment and she asks you to lay off your only answer is "Yes, dear I'd be happy to."

If you brew a couple times a month and there is close to a balance and she asks you to lay off your only answer ids "Get over yourself."

My wife has no hobbies and she mocks all of mine relentlessly (goodnaturedly), but I leave the kitchen cleaner than when I found it and find time to fold the laundry and do ALL of the outside chores.

Man, reading over some of these...just ouch. I know the internet breeds exaggeration, but I do gotta wonder what possesses people to stick with their partners when the relationship seems so...adversarial. I have a lot of musician friends, and have seen tons of the same thing with girlfriends who constantly nag them to "get a real job."

My wife actually encourages me to brew; she was the one who originally turned me on to beer (before her I was an all-hard-liquor guy) and keeping a stock of good brew on hand is no less a requirement for her than for me. She would of course prefer I don't exhaust our limited funds on it, but then I like eating and having a place to live too. In other words, I win.

Best advice for the guys who aren't as lucky is the same best advice for just about all relationship issues: more communication, more compromise. She's probably more likely to be okay with your hobbies if you're okay with hers; my wife and I actually make an active effort to take an interest in each others' hobbies (even when they aren't immediately interesting to us), and it's only made the relationship stronger.

i just read through this whole thing and still havent seen pics or videos.then i can give some useful advice

I am so glad that my wife supports the hobbies that I do. Even though we do not drink the same types of beer, I have found that making her a couple of her favorites makes her support my brewing hobby even more.

Beyond that it is an issue of balance. I spend a lot of time with the kids, taking them to their lessons, practices and games. I enjoy that too.

She has a few hobbies that she enjoys and I respect those as she does mine.

Regardless though, even if you are good at balancing your daily life's requirements, if you have a spouse that is not supportive of the things you do, there is probably nothing anybody on here is going to say to make it any easier.

its not mine thats an issue its my buddy's whose house i brew at. even my wife says she wishes i would brew at home but i just dont have much room, maybe once the shed where my firewood is cleaned out i can brew in there.

Wow! I had no idea that some men were still living under the idea that we're neanderthals?

I always call my wife SWMBO, but it's all good natured. We really do run a 50-50 house when it comes to our 2 kids, chores, etc. She's really into scrapbooking, and I have no problem taking the kids while she goes and scrapbooks for 6 hours, or so, at a friends house. In return I get to brew, go to concerts, or whatever.

In the end, every relationship should be one of love and compromise. As to the OP, perhaps trying to get her involved in the process, or talk about what bothers her about your hobby is the best way to get past any sort of problem it is causing. When there's an issue in a relationship, silence (or guessing), is never the way to solve anything. Nor is "putting her in her place."

I have seen both sides of this personally. I had a SWMBO for many years and duely obeyed and was the most supportive companion breaking my back (and bank) to help her achieve her greatest goals in life without reciprocation. I was a defeated, beaten man with nothing for self esteem.

Not being with her for a while and witnessing my self esteem raise to a normal level, I am shocked at what I used to be and what I allowed a human being to do to me. Shocked. I didn't used to be like that in my youth.

Now I have a great girl whom I absolutely would never consider a SWMBO because I am not to obey anyone. I wouldn't want to be 'obeyed' either. I absolutely hate the acronym. She is equally supportive of me as I am her, makes me feel fantastic about myself and my aspirations, and is like 10 times hotter (and loves booty).

If in a relationship there isn't mutually equal expression and respect of each person's separate life goals and desires (and hobbies) then one is giving more of themselves than the other and thus slowly erasing of their identity.

That's my Dr. Phil moment...

Thank effing God I didn't marry that last one. Whew... I guess I'm with the 10% on this thread who says to throw her to the curb. Or at least start by making her do something by herself that she needs you for...i.e. "oh, I see you have a flat tire... good luck, maybe you can find a youtube tutorial on that." Life is to short to characterize it as generally being in servitude to another.

azscoob said:

My wife is pretty understanding of my hobbies, I simply told here I could stop homebrewing and start drinking beers with my buddies at the strip club instead of hanging around the house homebrewing. Plus when I am mashing or boiling in the backyard I have enough time to pull a few weeds, refill the hummingbird feeder, trim the roses or putter in the garden. I keep myself busy with other little things I also enjoy doing during the down time. being productive around the house definately keeps the wife from pinging at me!

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+ 1 on this. I thoroughly clean the kitchen before and after I brew and that has definitely helped. Working on an outdoor set-up. She didn't mind the smell too much until I brewed a stout. She HATED that one and of course it lingers all day. Plus I schedule brews like guys nights out, but in instead and she's runs off with the girls while I'm doing so.

johnnyo1977 said:

I am not telling anyone to get a divorce. I tried to make mine work. But in the end it is what she wanted and is what she got. And now i have less stress and am a very happy person again.

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I understand. I made a mistake. I misunderstood because I asked everyone what they do to deal with their SWMBO, and it seemed like some people were suggesting a completely wrong approach. I'm glad to hear you're a very happy person again. It's good to not stay in a relationship where you're not happy. My brother just got a divorce, and I'm glad for my sister-in-law cuz my brother's a dick and she had no balls (pardon the pun).

WTF... Seriously?

We're all adults here. We have to be by forum rules. If you can't practice a hobby and stay within a budget set by the family as a whole then you have an addiction just as damaging as any controlled substance.

On the flip side, if your significant other/wife/GF/pet lama can't deal with your HOBBY of homebrewing in a constructive and rational manner than they have control/hidden/mommy issues that are, frankly, rooted in something wholly unrelated to brewing.

LOL. It's interesting how many people thought I use the SWMBO term literally and how many people have talked about being with a controlling woman.

My wife is not any more controlling than I. She loves that I brew beer; she just wants me to understand that takes a lot of time, and I want her to understand that what she does takes a lot of time - and we both DO understand that (it's actually pretty simple!). I usually send her out with her girlfriends and then I brew.

Our hobbies go great together. My wife, her girlfriends, and I drink homebrew together, then they dress up and bellydance for me, and then... you know how the rest of the story goes... did I mention my wife is bi and likes to explore?

Durden said:

Our hobbies go great together. My wife, her girlfriends, and I drink homebrew together, then they dress up and bellydance for me, and then... you know how the rest of the story goes... did I mention my wife is bi and likes to explore?

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Fight Club or it didn't happen...

Try the sneaky approack, Derden. Agree with her that your hobby takes a fair amount of time and offer to sit down with her and make up a schedule when you can each do your own thing. List your brewing on one half of the page and her hobbies on the other. Write down the time you take and then ask her how much time she needs for hers. Total them at the bottom, look thoughtfully at the two totals, then ask her if she wants to decrease hers or increase yours to make them equal.

As far as my household goes, we're equal but different. We have traditional male/female roles by choice. I rarely do dishes or laundry, and she doesn't do any of the things that I do. Turns out that I put in far more hours than she does, but that's the nature of our relationship. The time spent brewing isn't even an issue. Neither is the money. We're both adults and we both have our hobbies.

Guess I am lucky, my wife is the one who bought me all my brewing equipment and got me started. She wanted to me to pick up a hobby (other than golf). Just the other day she asked me what I was doing this weekend and when I told her I had no plans she said "you should brew"

Done.

Fingers said:

Try the sneaky approack, Derden. Agree with her that your hobby takes a fair amount of time and offer to sit down with her and make up a schedule when you can each do your own thing. List your brewing on one half of the page and her hobbies on the other. Write down the time you take and then ask her how much time she needs for hers. Total them at the bottom, look thoughtfully at the two totals, then ask her if she wants to decrease hers or increase yours to make them equal.

As far as my household goes, we're equal but different. We have traditional male/female roles by choice. I rarely do dishes or laundry, and she doesn't do any of the things that I do. Turns out that I put in far more hours than she does, but that's the nature of our relationship. The time spent brewing isn't even an issue. Neither is the money. We're both adults and we both have our hobbies.

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OMG, it's like you know me. That actually exactly what I did - sat down and listed out what we do and how long it takes to make sure its fair. We're both involved with each other's hobbies, and it works out great (as you can tell from my last post).

We usually have traditional roles with some exceptions, e.g., I clean up the kitchen after she cooks, and vice versa. I make the money, but she deals with the bills. I frolf every couple days, but I also put the kids to bed everynight.

Whenever we get frustrated with each other, we just go upstairs, burn one down, and then we easily work things out. :fro:

My wife is the one that bought me my first kit. Now 3 years and a few grand in equipment I just look at her and say "Well, you started it." She is awesome and loves most of the beers I make. I am lucky!

You can hear your wife nag? Mine never does I just hear a waaa wwaaa waaaa noise running around the house sometimes. Never did quite nail down what it was but it sounds very similar to an adult on charlie brown.

smokinghole said:

You can hear your wife nag? Mine never does I just hear a waaa wwaaa waaaa noise running around the house sometimes. Never did quite nail down what it was but it sounds very similar to an adult on charlie brown.

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THAT IS F'IN GREAT!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA:rockin: