SWMBO vs. Homebrew

[jgaepi]

I realized long ago that the chances of me still homebrewing at 80 were slim. The chances of me still being married to my wife and her still complaining about the time I wasted homebrewing were high. So essentially I throw everything and the kitchen sink at my wife to keep her happy on brew days - typically once every 6 weeks.

I talk to her friends and set up "play dates" so A) she is out of the house and occupied and B) I can use what she did (spend money, meals, movie, etc) against her as leverage.

But essentially I spend time keeping her occupied and happy and then probably don't enjoy the homebrew process as much as I would like.

It doesn't matter how much junk she has throughout the house, those 3 kettles, couple rubbermaid bins with stuff in it, and brew rig are always going to take up too much room, be in the way, etc. It isn't worth trying to debate that.

 

[meadmazer]

My wife pretty much allows me to do most anything as long as:

I dont ignore her
The bills are still paid
Stuff around the house is fixed
Most importantly, I clean up. She hates "clutter" more than anything.

Seriously though, I dated a chick once that would get pissed off at me for spending time building a model airplane while she was at work! I was at her place, not going anywhere, not causing trouble. She got all my time when she was home. How can you be happy with someone that controlling?
Pretty much always gonna be habits/interests etc that cause conflict in relationships. How much each is willing to compromise, and how important things are to each, can be a factor in happy you are both gonna be with each other.
My opinion is, if you are in an unhappy relationship, get out. Life is too short to skip living, just to keep the other person happy. People need to be able to enrich thier lives.

 

[DrunkleJon]

Is there any cooking/boiling involved, or do you just dissolve the sugar in the juice, add the yeast, and walk away? I may try doing a gallon of cider or apfelwein to see if she/we like it.

I love my wife to death, she just doesn't have a very interesting palate when it comes to drinks. Pretty much just water, with the occasional cup of tea thrown in...

Quickest, easiest recipe ever. You can just dump it all together, or do the whole dump 1/2 the jug of apple juice, pour in the sugar, recap, shake to mix and pour in. Lather, rinse, and repeat until all apple juice is sweetened, pitch in yeast, airlock it and let er sit for 6 weeks+. The longer it sits the better.

And 1 gallon is never enough.

 

[Yooper]

I felt like I had to beg/borrow/steal days for brewing.

Until he decided that my beers are better than any beers in the universe, and I make beers "to order". For example, he can taste a beer and say, "Well, I like this but I'd like less bittering but more hops aroma and a fuller mouthfeel". He's got a great palate, so I always have one or two beers on tap just for him.

I'm brewing tomorrow, and he has already volunteered to crush the grain because I told him, "It's a hoppy American red".

One of the things that really helped was getting him super interested in the beers I make, even though he doesn't like brewing (or the work involved) one bit!

 

[Dog House Brew]

I ignore her.

Yip, the key is right here! After ignoring my wife, she realized it was get on board or be overboard. She doesn't even say a thing now. "what are you doing this weekend?" Brewing...."Guess I'll go to my Mom's." "I see your growing yeast, I guess I'll make other plans."

 

[BeardedIdiot]

My biggest problems as far as getting my wife on board for brewing is she doesn't like drinking alcohol, she doesn't like carbonated beverages, and she's an extremely tight penny pincher.

I don't really mind those things, as it means she's actually a pretty cheap wife when it comes to financial things. But it does mean that anything I spend money on has to be justified in some way. She's fine with me brewing now, but she really has little interest in what I'm doing or why, or in sampling the results. I had her try a sip from the gravity sample I just took on a cascade pale ale, and she kind of winced and shrugged.

Fortunately she is big into knitting, and pretty much just gets into that and a good couple tv shows while I'm brewing.

I guess my only complaint is that I don't really have anyone to share my brews with and get constructive feedback from on a regular basis. I have a friend who brews very occasionally (once every 4-6 months or so), and my brother brews, but he lives in Utah, so...

 

[msabin]

My wife is also a bellydancer, and 20+ years ago didn't much care for my brewing.

I bought her a new ($350) dance outfit and found she complained much less about the brewing.
Several outfits later, and supporting her hobby, we've found several beers/ciders/meads she likes, and I still get to watch her dance -- except while I'm brewing.

 

[dbsmith]

My girlfriend is pretty good about brewing. She of course wants to know how much I spend on any new equipment, but I don't really catch too much flack from her about it. She used to nag a little bit, but I pretty much said "too bad." I don't let anyone hold me back from things I'm passionate about. Now she realizes how important it is to me and even asks me about my brewing, even though she hates beer, and most of the time has no idea what I'm talking about. I only brew when she has to work and I have a day off, so that way it doesn't interfere with our time together. Recently, I broke my arm and noticed that after I had all of the bottles filled with the caps laying on top, I could not cap them. She actually volunteered to cap them for me, which was awesome. It was pretty hard work, since she is a tiny girl. Luckily it was only half of a batch! I think she understands now that brewing beer isn't all fun and games--it's also a fair bit of work!

 

[libeerty]

Had to jump in on this one. My wife at first encouraged, but now says that my homebrewing takes too much time. She then likes to brag about how talented I am and all of the compliments I get on my beers. Typical. However, when I do brew, I try to get the whole family involved. I have my daughter help weigh out hops and add them to the kettle. It is not as efficient as doing it myself, but we get a math lesson and she loves it. On bottling day, we have an assembly line set up. My daughter sanitizes the bottles, then hands them to me. I fill them and the wife puts the caps on. My daughter then puts them in the case. It goes faster and it keeps us all together. Unfortunately, I am the only one who gets to enjoy the final product. Not sure if a 7-year old braumeister is appropriate, but she unwittingly gets a science and math lesson and my wife gets some relief from kid watching.

Totally stealing this idea if/when I have kids!

 

[rodwha]

Mine has given me a $70/mo allowance for supplies, though I usually go over that by as much as $30. What's cool is if I have my cart full and she wants me to make a style (the pumpkin and Xmas ales) it's added on top of what's there.

And she is the one who caps on bottling day unless she is very busy.

 

[chuckjaxfl]

I guess I'm at the extreme end of the bell curve.

Mine won't even consider tasting anything I brew, but supports my habit in every way. She encourages me to brew more frequently, to buy more gear, etc, etc. I can't always let her know that I'm looking at a particular piece of gear because, if I take too long to buy it, she'll buy it for me. On the rare occasion that I bottle something, she checks in on me often to see if my hands are hurting and offers to step in.

 

[porky_pine]

I've lived with my girlfriend for 10 years and she has never minded my brewing. I have integrated it into my life where she literally doesn't even notice sometimes. I brew BIAB on my front porch first thing in the morning one or two days a week. When I wake up I get the mash ready. Then I cook breakfast for my family. After the boil is going I do the dishes, clean the kitchen, change a diaper etc. Then I put the wort in a carboy with yeast, clean up and give my daughter a nap all before noon. Later in the day I'll tell my GF that I'm really excited to see how the beer will turn out and half the time she'll say she didn't even know I brewed that day.

 

[mlg5039]

Swmbo is a total beer nerd, and loves helping brew the beer and drink the beer. She likes going to the LHBS; she likes going to breweries and bottle releases. I make most of the money and make sure she gets pretty much whatever she wants, so I've never heard so much as a peep about brewing $$. I consider myself lucky.

 

[rodwha]

Mine's even been known to buy me a good cigar!

 

[shizzy77]

"Yeah seriously. Why would anyone want to be attached to another human long term when they're so controlling? I'm blessed that I have a girlfriend who could care less about things I do or say, she just goes with the flow. It's not about control or "putting people in their place", it's about co-existing with one another."

This right here.

SWMBO is the boss at work and often has tried to bring that title home with her. It's never worked. Had I wanted another mother I never would have left home.

She's allowed to do her thing, and me mine.

I don't like half of the stuff she does, and she hates guns. She leans left, and me to the right, but somehow we are learning to just deal with it. We do agree on a lot somehow... But I'm not her boss, and I'll be damned if she'll be mine. We just try for mutual respect.

back when I was single this was the quickest way to be left at the bus stop with an empty lunch box. Tell me what fun I can't have or talk down about my hobbies? Don't let the door hit ya in the arse on the way out.

In 8 years, my wife has never once questioned a hobby. as long as I am spending "my money" and not "our money", we are good to go. same applies to her. she can shop all she wants, buy all the craft supplies she wants as long as its "her money" and not "our money".

 

[snowtires]

How does this "my money" "our money" thing work? I don't get it.

And for Pete's sake is there a thread that explains all the acronyms you guys use. I have been on here for a while now and I still can't figure out what SWMBO stand for. MUG?
DRUNK I can figure out. I think

Oh yeah more on topic. My wife is cool with my hobby, time is very limited, I just tell her it's gonna take like 6 hours, then when I'm done in 3 1/2 - 4 hours, go upstairs and load the dishwasher or something. Makes her happy, oh and the other thing that makes her happy is craft beer is expensive to buy here, it's less then 1/4 of the price to make it, which makes my hobby actually save money. (If you don't bust out a calculator and look at all the money I've spent on equipment )

 

[bella_union]

I guess I'm in the minority but it was my idea to start home brewing and my husband is kind of just along for the ride (and to help with the heavy lifting). I'm the one who spends hours reading and researching this stuff. We both love beer so it's a good hobby for both of us, it's just more mine than his, so far.

I've wondered if it bothers him, the amount of time i spend on the computer just reading about brewing, or the amount of time I've recently spent designing a label. It is verging on obsessive...

He's recently gotten into motorcycles hardcore (I've sort of followed suit a bit), and there was a 'bump' in our relationship when he was at the height of his obsession. It was all he would think about all the time and he was spending a ton of money on it.

Like a lot of people have said, there needs to be a balance.
Once anything gets obsessive, that is out of the normal routine, doesn't matter who you are or what it is, it is going to impact the relationship. At least that's true in my experience.

If you're with someone who you think is controlling you, there better be a damn good reason to stay with them and put up with that...

 

[Ostomo517]

Im extremely happy to not have a nightmare story. My fiancee bought me my first kit more than a year ago, and everytime I brew she loves that I took it because of her present she gave me. She will even ask me on days we are off together if I wanna go to the LHBS, and suggest a recipe that seems good to her every now and then. Very happy about this!

 

[GASoline71]

The whole "SWMBO" thing was a first for me. I had never heard of a wife or girlfriend referred to by that acronym. I had to ask what it meant... when I found out... I LOL'd !

I met my girlfriend about 4 months before I started brewing. She loves it. Even bought me a wort chiller for Xmas last year. This year she hands me a couple of brewing catlogs and said to circle a few things so she can get an idea of what to get me. I have included her from the beginning, and we enjoy all aspects of brewing. From going to the LHBS, surfing the interweb, looking through catalogs, to even checking out how the BeerSmith2 program works. I have designed and brew 3 beers that are soley "for her". She WAS a Coors Light girl... but not anymore. She wants to try her hand at brewing one of them herself soon.

I'm a lucky man... I spent 14 years of my life married to someone that was not supportive of anything except her wishes (I guess that SWMBO thing might have applied to her). Those are 14 years of my life I will never get back. But now I have a future to look forward to, and share a new found hobby with a wonderful woman!

Gary

 

[VegasJ]

My SWMBO just frowned hugely upon me.

When I started homebrewing she saw the $$ being spent... starter kit, extract kits, then bottles... cases & cases of empty plain bottles.

After a few bottle bombs & seeing how long it was taking to bottle as well as waiting for brews, I made a Keezer & got 3 Corny kegs...

"*sigh* - more $$ spent... now you are kegging it, why did you get all of them bottles?!"

I explained, time waiting for Co2 in bottling, ease of kegging, yadda yadda... conversation over.

Today, I just came home with a 12 pack of 1L Grolsch bottles... easily fill them from the faucets to take with me to friends houses or parties we go to.

"*sigh* - I thought the reason you were kegging was so you didn't have to fill bottles?"

*WTF!!?? - these I can fill from the faucet, pop the cap here attached on & go..." (I know, I can do the same with regular 12oz bottles but the capping here is the difference! plus, these Grolsch bottles are much bigger.

I have a SWBMO who will never understand

 

[shizzy77]

How does this "my money" "our money" thing work? I don't get it.

And for Pete's sake is there a thread that explains all the acronyms you guys use. I have been on here for a while now and I still can't figure out what SWMBO stand for. MUG?
DRUNK I can figure out. I think

"my" "yours" and "ours" was determined right off the start. I think I brought it up on our second or third date. I've been divorced once before and lost money I didn't even have so that is a prerequisite to any relationship from here on out.

Here is how it works. Every six months we sit down and go over all bills and work out a budget. Then we look at how much pay each person brings home on payday and we figure out what percent is fair for each person to put in to the "ours" account so all bills + a house savings is covered. Any dollar over the agreed upon "our" money amount goes in "my" or "your" account. Any money spent on personal items or hobbies comes out of this account.

I can buy home brew supplies or a fishing pole any day of the week and she can buy shoes or what have you and no one needs to care as we know it came out of personal money and the mortgage is still going to get paid.

and SWMBO = She Who Must Be Obeyed.

 

[Yooper]

"my" "yours" and "ours" was determined right off the start. I think I brought it up on our second or third date. I've been divorced once before and lost money I didn't even have so that is a prerequisite to any relationship from here on out.

Yes, we have the same thing. I was married for 16 years and we were always broke because my ex spent money that he didn't even have, and he was wasteful. I didn't even have enough money to leave, because I couldn't scrape together $500 for the first month's rent on an apartment. It was the worst feeling in the world, to be trapped financially.

On our very first date, I told my current husband, "You seem like a nice guy, and I don't want to be presumptuous, but before we decide to go out again, you have to know that I'm never getting ****ing married again. If that is something you want in your future, you need to know I'm not that person right now." He didn't say much, just that he didn't necessarily want to get married in the future.

Then, when we moved in together, we had the "yours, mine, ours" talk. Even in a period when I wasn't working much, I still had my "mine". It made a huge difference in our lives- that both of us were trustworthy enough to make some independent decisions, and neither one was in control of the purse strings. I had $25,000 stashed in an account for about three years, and we called it my "running away" money. I never touched it, and he knew I never touched it, but it was in there so that I wouldn't feel trapped ever again. We got married, and after another year or so, I spent the $25,000 on a new truck. Just one day I said I didn't need that "running away" money anymore. He knew what that meant, and he wanted me to stay because I wanted to, not because I was trapped. So we were buying a new truck anyway, and I said, "Well, let's not get a loan- I have enough money". And we did.

Anyway, we still have that set up where we have "yours, mine, ours". He can buy fishing stuff or whatever, and I can buy brewing stuff or whatever, and we discuss anything bigger. It works so well! (We've been married for nearly 11 years now!)

 

[snowtires]

Wow, this sounds like a good way to budget we are always buying crap, both of us and we are always broke. I know 2 couples at work who do the same thing as you guys.

How would one go about suggesting such a system after being together for 10 years using our current method which is called "splurge and re-group"?

Its hard to buy presents too because it shows up on the bank account statement

 

[mosquitocontrol]

After a year or so of brewing 100+ gallons a year in a small apartment I was easily getting on my husband's nerves. Big kitchen mess and bottles/brewstuff in every single closet. I initially bought the stuff to become HIS hobby.

Fast forward a two more years, now I've got him hooked. He's the one pushing for us to go all grain. And he's brewed the last four batches completely by himself! Its a completely different world. He's the one pushing me now to become a little more detailed and start exploring our own recipes. Couldn't ask for anything more!

 

[Yooper]

Wow, this sounds like a good way to budget we are always buying crap, both of us and we are always broke. I know 2 couples at work who do the same thing as you guys.

How would one go about suggesting such a system after being together for 10 years using our current method which is called "splurge and re-group"?

Its hard to buy presents too because it shows up on the bank account statement

Ha- we're taking this thread off-topic, so maybe this could be the beginning of a new thread if we really want to talk about this. I think it's a worthwhile topic. Since over 50% of marriages end in divorce, and many fights are about/over money and money management, it could take up a whole forum just by itself!

To suggest a system after 10+ years seems hard, but it really wouldn't be. Just a simple, "I'm tired of being broke all the time. This doesn't seem to be working. Aside from having a rich relative die, what could we do to manage better", and then have a real discussion.

It's so much easier when your spouse/partner is like-minded, though! My husband is as big as a tightwad as I am, maybe even more so. And that would be a very difficult marriage if I was undisciplined and a spendthrift!

I have had $20 in my wallet for at least two months. I haven't bought a magazine or a pack of gum, or anything. I know others who can't have $20 in their wallet for 15 minutes! So part of it comes from within, too.

At first, Bob wasn't so into my brewing, and didn't like me spending much on gear. But now, he's so spoiled that he only wants homebrew and doesn't even want to drink commercial beer or wine. So that really works in my favor as well! "Honey, since we're going to Minneapolis, why not buy 6 bags of grain and a couple of wine kits?" Well, ok. I guess I can do that! :cross:

 

[petey_c]

"How does this "my money" "our money" thing work? I don't get it."
I guess like most guys, I gripe about my wife's "pitching," but truth be told, if I had been in charge of the money, we wouldn't have "Richard" to show for it. She doesn't like the smell of beer brewing, but puts up with it. As far as the "my" and "our" money, I have a side business as an electrical contractor. My full time job pays for the household bills and brew stuff comes out of the business. This way my brewing doesn't interfere with bills getting paid. Because of "Sandy," I've been extremely busy and haven't had much time to brew. Only 5 gallons since August...