The Dysfunctional-Palooza Obnoxious Masshole BS Thread

[the_bird]

Whooo Hooo!!! A foot of snow for da Bird tomorrow!!! Yeeeeaaaaaaaay!!!

... I gotta keep my damn wife off the roads. Driving over to school this morning, not really paying attention to road conditions, going through one of those tight corners on 116, out in the boonies, hits a patch of slush and loses control. Crosses the center line and hits the ass-end of a bread truck coming the other way. She's fine, the car ain't. Not THAT bad, but now I'm going to be scrambling for rides until it's fixed.

She keeps getting in these little accidents that aren't EXACTLY her fault, but they ain't exactly *not* her fault either. Going 40MPH around a corner that's usually ~30MPH when it's dry and sunny...

I mean, Jesus H Christmas, she's from Buffalo but she seems clueless about winter driving. What the hell?

I haven't decided which nickname for her I like better; "Crash" or "Thumper."

 

[motobrewer]

She keeps getting in these little accidents that aren't EXACTLY her fault, but they ain't exactly *not* her fault either. Going 40MPH around a corner that's usually ~30MPH when it's dry and sunny...

wait what? how is her slamming into another car not "EXACTLY" her fault? it's entirely her fault! 100%, case closed, nobody else even remotely at fault. wait a sec....are you at zuccotti park right now?!

i mean, sorry bout your luck, but....

 

[the_bird]

Well, the road conditions were ****... no ticket was issued, even though she (dumbly) admitted her actual speed around the corner. Wasn't FLYING, but wasn't really thinkin', either.

The cop was really nice, at least (guess that makes *one*).

 

[DakotaRules]

Just glad no one was hurt.

 

[the_bird]

Is it bad that when she was leaving my office, I called out "try not to hit any bread trucks on the way through the parking lot"?

 

[yeager1977]

"Comfortable footwear" is not necessarily a euphemism for "lesbians." That just means boring middle-aged women.

"Ani DiFranco fans".... now that, there's no doubt about!

Amazingly bird has a point. That may be a first.....

 

[yeager1977]

"Big Wit" on tap right now (the 7.5% peach wit... which.. once again... EFF you PTN, that's a tasty beer... not really season-appropriate but still, feel free to screw if you wanna make fun of it).

In the fermenters... Irish Red, Dunkel, Belgian IPA, American IPA and a Brack Rager.

The way I'm figurin' it... if I do one more ale next week, I should have ten gallons of beer getting kegged every friday for a month and a half straight starting next Friday.

I'm gonna get sooooooo many chics.

Btw pto loved that beer. He has been talking about it two weeks straight at the shop..... I am starting to question his manhood.....

 

[yeager1977]

... I gotta keep my damn wife off the roads. Driving over to school this morning, not really paying attention to road conditions, going through one of those tight corners on 116, out in the boonies, hits a patch of slush and loses control. Crosses the center line and hits the ass-end of a bread truck coming the other way. She's fine, the car ain't. Not THAT bad, but now I'm going to be scrambling for rides until it's fixed.

She keeps getting in these little accidents that aren't EXACTLY her fault, but they ain't exactly *not* her fault either. Going 40MPH around a corner that's usually ~30MPH when it's dry and sunny...

I mean, Jesus H Christmas, she's from Buffalo but she seems clueless about winter driving. What the hell?

I haven't decided which nickname for her I like better; "Crash" or "Thumper."

If she likes Ani DeFranco, Thumper seems inappropriate according to your previous post....

 

[paulthenurse]

Bird
It's bad enough that the Federales say she can vote, there's nothing you can so about that, but you're compounding the problem by allowing her to drive. Man up. Tear up her license and tell her to go make you a sammie. Oh ya, tell her to do a better job scrubbin' the hopper, there are skid marks in the bowl from those baked beans you told her to make.

 

[paulthenurse]

Is it bad that when she was leaving my office, I called out "try not to hit any bread trucks on the way through the parking lot"?

That all depends. Was there actually a bread truck in the parking lot? If there was I think you are ok. If there wasn't I think she can call you out for being a smart ass and she'll win that one in court.

All that said, it was a good line and that counts with us. You da' man.


(Realize that 'da man' often sleeps on 'da couch' and jerks off to porn while she sleeps in 'da bed' and does the same.)

Just sayin'.

 

[nhwrecker]

Hey guys,
Hope it's alright if I jump in here to ask a quick beer question, since observing at least three of you brewing at Paul's house during Masstoberfest was the final inspiration to get me brewing at home. Saturday at 6PM we were just finishing up our first batch of beer we ever made at home, and we were just getting ready to move it from the pot to the carboy, when we lost power. We finished the transfer with candles, flashlights and headlamps, and added the yeast. Wort temp was 66F. Sunday, firmentation underway in the basement, with the carboy temp at about 64-66. Just checked an hour ago, and wort temp is now 54 F. We still dont have power, and rumor has it that we may have to go another 4-5 days before the lights are on. I just put/wrapped the carboy into a sleeping bag to try and insulate it and let it keep its own heat. I hope it doesnt get any colder, but itk out of my hands at this point.
My question is, are we Ok with ferm at these lower temps, and or what should I do now to meep me from getting problems?
thanks for any help, and for the record, I was a Masshole for 35 years before I moved acoss the border to Nashua, NH and became a tax evading live free or die Nashole.

Hope that qualifies enough for answers, and abuse. If i just get abuse, you guys all suck, amd I'll just ask the EAC's in the beginners forum, where I belong.

Sent from phone and sorry about any typos, but my laptop is dead.

 

[nhwrecker]

Sorry, just realized I didnt sign that or mention the yeast.

Dave "Mort" Morton, nhwrecker (I love wreckdiving)

Regarding yeast, let the flames begin, as I bought a recipe from Jaspers in Nashua that had me steep about a pound for an hour, then add the extracts, boil, are hopw, and when done cut open the liquid yeast pack and add. It was a pale ale, but I dont know the yeast used. Could dig it out of trash if its important.

 

[DakotaRules]

Sorry, just realized I didnt sign that or mention the yeast.

Dave "Mort" Morton, nhwrecker (I love wreckdiving)

Regarding yeast, let the flames begin, as I bought a recipe from Jaspers in Nashua that had me steep about a pound for an hour, then add the extracts, boil, are hopw, and when done cut open the liquid yeast pack and add. It was a pale ale, but I dont know the yeast used. Could dig it out of trash if its important.

Your fermentation will be slow because of the low temp. If you got a smack pack I hope you popped it and it swelled before you pitched. If you know what yeast strain I can tell you the temp range. But there's nothing you can do at this point but snuggle with it to warm it up. Once it warms up if
You don't hit the respective gravity you can rouse the yeast to see if you can get some activity going if not you can re-pitch another package of yeast or add some dry yeast to save money.

 

[TheDudeLebowski]

You're in serious trouble. What you should do is post your address, take all your beer out of your fridge and leave them on your front driveway. We'll be there soon to pick it up. Think of it. When you bought the yeast it was probably taken out of a fridge. The fermentation will stall/slow and pick up when it gets to its ideal temp. I bet you didn't even need the yeast pack but was added as a safety. Wait out the storm, make sure the carboy is airtight against infection and warm up when electricity comes back.

Signed,
Former Nashole ~8 yrs

PS - Did you get your complimentary Hillary sign when you moved across the border?

 

[paulthenurse]

Hey Mort, I think your brain has been addled from all that funny air you've been breathing.

That said, here, for your benefit is "Beer Yeast 101".

There are two yeast 'families,' ale yeast and lager yeast. The biggest difference between them is their temperature comfort zones. Think of lager yeast as hardy New England divers, plunging into the icey deep and ale yeast as Florida divers wearing a shortie. Ale yeast like to be warmer than lager yeast. You probably used an ale yeast since that is what 99 44/100% of brew shops will give to a n00b. (Unless they picked up on your Masshole accent, then they probably gave you something weird just to fark around with you.). Shop owners give n00bs ale yeast cause it's pretty much fool proof. It doesn't have any special requirements, just pour it in and walk away. Obviously there is more to it than that and as your brewing advances you'll learn all about the wonders of temperature control, but for now, so long as you keep your brew at a reasonable room temperature you will be fine.


HOWEVER...

You lost your electricity and heat. That's the Baby Jeebus' way of flicking boogers onto your windshield. See, he don't like refugees from Mass clogging up 93N from Hooksett all the way back to Newburyport . Sorry Dude, you're screwed.






Nahhhhh, just kidding. Put a few blankets around it, it's going to be 60 on Thursday, it will be fine.

 

[day_trippr]

Cheers!

 

[paulthenurse]

Mort, just re-read your post. I had missed it when you said that the temp was down to 58. Thats actually not that bad, if it was a consistent 58 I'd say you would be fine, but since the temp is probably going to drop a bit more I've put on my thinking cap to come up with a few ideas to help you warm up the wort without electricity.

1. Bring the carboy to bed. Plop it right between you and Pat. The dog might be pissed off but the dog is a dog and 5 gallons of beer is 5 gallons of beer.

2. Quickly throw together a nuclear reactor out in your garage. Design it so that the heat exchanger uses the beer as coolant. You can probably sell the excess electricity to your neighbors and turn a tidy profit.

3. Throw the carboy in the truck with your dive gear and head for Key Largo. Stop at my house and pick me up when you go by. I've got the first round at Alabama Jacks.

4. Rub two sticks together in a rapid, back and forth fashion right next to the carboy. The reflected heat will warm it right up.

5. It's Halloween night, bonfires are expected. Grab a couple of those brats mooching candy on your doorstep, pour a gallon of gasoline over them and flic your BIC. (You probably want to shoo them away from the door first.)

6. Bring it to work with you. I know you work down here in Mass, where we pay taxes that pay for things like road repairs, schools and public safety, all things that you've probably heard about but don't have any experience with living in Cow Hampshire. We'll loan you some of our electricity.

Your friend,
Paul

 

[Cape Brewing]

Two words: Thermite

 

[paulthenurse]

You farkin' idiot. He's a n00b. How do you expect him to know that thermite is two words? Remind me again why I'm friends with you?

Mort, ignore him. He was dropped on his head as an infant. I've seen the medical record. It ain't pretty.

 

[paulthenurse]

LOX!!!!!!!

You need LOX.

(All of you farkin' members of the lost tribe get a farkin' hold of yourself, I'm not talkin' fish here, I'm talking liquid oxygen!)


Get yourself some Georgia fatwood, (available at your local Whole Foods for the low, low price of $199.99) a few Sunday New York Times (Lets face it, the only thing the NYTs is good for is lining parakeet cages, wrapping fish and starting an insurance claim) and a bucket of LOX.

Now THAT will warm up your farkin wort, your dog, Pat and the whole state of Cow Hampstire

 

[paulthenurse]

[ame]http://youtu.be/zku8mTNh1Qo[/ame]


Now you're cookin with Lox!!!! That will warm up your farking wort!

 

[Cape Brewing]

Well... now matter what method you use to get the temp up on that carboy, i would figure something out pretty quick. We all know that ale yeasts brought down below 59 degrees F for an extended period of time is how H1N1 got started.

We don't need another plague on our hands.

 

[nhwrecker]

Good morning from noob hampsha. After digging through trash, I found some lunch for Paul, and the wyeast pack for 1056 american ale. It was warm and bloated before I pitched. Thanks for all the feedback and support, and for not suggesting I wrap it in an electric blanket. House is a steady 48F, and the carboy in the basement is staying at 54- 56, according to the stick on thermometer. It's bubbling slowly, like one burp every 4 seconds. Does Northern Tool carry Thermite? Do you need good ventilation for that? We may not get power back on until Fri or Sat. So, am I now lagering? My first batch, going for the gold. Watch out Nationals.....

 

[Cape Brewing]

fk ventilation.

You're not feeling feverish are you? Just checking if you caught any of the H1N1 yet.

 

[Cape Brewing]

and no, you're not lagering. "Lagering" simply means dropping the temp at least 8 degrees once primary fermentation is complete.

so... for lagers... what you do is typically ferment in the low 50's. say... 52... Once primary fermentation is complete, you drop the temp on that to at least 44 (preferably even lower) and then you "lager" it for another... whatever... 4 weeks or more.

 

[Hugh_Jass]

Good morning from noob hampsha. After digging through trash, I found some lunch for Paul, and the wyeast pack for 1056 american ale. It was warm and bloated before I pitched. Thanks for all the feedback and support, and for not suggesting I wrap it in an electric blanket. House is a steady 48F, and the carboy in the basement is staying at 54- 56, according to the stick on thermometer. It's bubbling slowly, like one burp every 4 seconds. Does Northern Tool carry Thermite? Do you need good ventilation for that? We may not get power back on until Fri or Sat. So, am I now lagering? My first batch, going for the gold. Watch out Nationals.....

Does your water heater still work?

 

[paulthenurse]

Leave it alone, Mort. All will be well. Except for the flu. The dog is gonna catch the flu and sneeze dog snot all over the living room for a month.


G'night all. I'm off to sleep, perchance to dream of nubile nymphomaniac's whose fathers own liquor stores.

PTN

 

[DakotaRules]

Thermite!? Come on that's taking the easy road. Hook up your bike to a small heater and start peddling. By the time your heat comes back on you'll be just getting the temp back up and by then you can start "lagering" your beer.

Ya right, like "lagering" is even a word, pft. Cold fermented beer, come on guys, I've seen unicorns too, lets try to give him a little help.

If you add tinfoil and drano to 2 liter bottles and place several of them next to the carboy that should heat up a few things.

 

[TheDudeLebowski]

What's the current gravity of U3??????

 

[paulthenurse]

What's the current gravity of U3??????

Ask your Momma, she comes over and wraps her legs around the fermentor to keep it warm....


Hey Mort!

Got any old ladies with warts hanging around?