Stupid Joke Thread!

[AkTom]

Cindy and I found this great restaurant on the moon, but we ate quick and left. Great view, but no atmosphere. . .

 

[homebrewer_99]

Cindy and I found this great restaurant on the moon, but we ate quick and left. Great view, but no atmosphere. . .

I hate to say it, but right next to the LIKE button we need a DOH! button...

 

[S-Met]

I hate to say it, but right next to the LIKE button we need a DOH! button...

Or an emoji/smiley drum roll ba dum tss

 

[homebrewer_99]

They'll both work...

 

[homebrewer_99]

So, one day two rednecks were driving around town and drinking some long necks.

As they headed out of town they came upon a couple of cop cars stopping people for various reasons.

The driver says: Quick! Finish your beer and peel off the label, stick it to your forehead and toss the bottle under the seat. And he does the same.

They get up to the cop who tells them to roll down their windows. The cop looks at them and said: You boys been drinking?

The driver smiles and says: No sir! We're on the patch!

 

[homebrewer_99]

Another redneck behind them is asked: You got any ID?

And he says: 'Bout what?

 

[homebrewer_99]

Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?

If it was invented elsewhere it would have been called a "TEETHBRUSH".




Just like when I was in Kosovo...when you get 12 Kosovar woman together you have 1 set of teeth.

 

[Sailingeric]

Did you see the electrician comedy duo?? Polarity ensues!

 

[AkTom]

Redneck pick up line, “hey baby, nice front tooth!”

 

[S-Met]

Redneck pick up line, “hey baby, nice front tooth!”

You is just uhbout as purdy as uh new set uh mud tires!

 

[S-Met]

More Redneck pickup lines:

Dale Earnhardt himself couldn't drive me as crazy as you do.

Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away

Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special

My Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in

If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep Til afternoon

Your face reminds me of a wrench, lookin at you makes my nuts tighten up

Hey sis, nice tits!

Are we kin? No? Well nevermind.

 

[homebrewer_99]

What do you call a redneck girl who runs faster than her brothers? A VIRGIN.

 

[soccerdad]

A redneck guy gets married and goes off to his honeymoon after a blowout party. 3 days later he's home without his bride. His daddy asks what's going on, and the kid says, "Daddy, I found out she was a virgin." Pop says, "You were right to come home son, if she's not good enough for her own family, she is surely not good enough for ours."

 

[homebrewer_99]

Now I know you guys stole my joke books...

 

[ba-brewer]

A redneck guy gets married and goes off to his honeymoon after a blowout party. 3 days later he's home without his bride. His daddy asks what's going on, and the kid says, "Daddy, I found out she wasn't a virgin." Pop says, "You were right to come home son, if she's not good enough for her own family, she is surely not good enough for ours."

think you have a typo, should be found she was a virgin

 

[Schlenkerla]

think you have a typo, should be found she was a virgin

Doesn't matter...

...if she looks like this.

Read the file name...^^^

 

[Schlenkerla]

think you have a typo, should be found she was a virgin

This might though...

 

[baldm79]

Edit: this guys a *******

 

[ba-brewer]

This might though...

View attachment 586838

do you got one of her doing the happy dance?

 

[soccerdad]

think you have a typo, should be found she was a virgin

damn auto drunk !!

 

[Schlenkerla]

do you got one of her doing the happy dance?

I fricken wish...

I'd motor boat them babies like I got two 750 Evinrudes.

However , I'd settle for a case of whip lash on a trampoline. LOL

 

[Schlenkerla]

do you got one of her doing the happy dance?

This is the closest I got...

https://media.giphy.com/media/OWQcUCrzguU6Y/200w.gif

 

[ba-brewer]

Hard to tell but that is the the bird girl.

 

[ba-brewer]

A billionaire with 3 girlfriends cant decide which one to marry so he gives them each one a million dollars a tell them to come back in month.

A month later they all meet and he asks the women how much money they still have. The first one giggle and says had spent it all. The second one said she too had no more money left but she gave the money away to charities and to family members in need. The third one handed the billionaire back his initial millions and said she invested his money and made so much she actually gave him another million as interest.

So who did he end up marrying?

The one with the biggest ****s.

 

[Schlenkerla]

A billionaire with 3 girlfriends cant decide which one to marry so he gives them each one a million dollars a tell them to come back in month.

A month later they all meet and he asks the women how much money they still have. The first one giggle and says had spent it all. The second one said she too had no more money left but she gave the money away to charities and to family members in need. The third one handed the billionaire back his initial millions and said she invested his money and made so much she actually gave him another million as interest.

So who did he end up marrying?

The one with the biggest ****s.

Decisions, decisions....

Eany, meany, miney, moe, catch a tiger by his toe...if he hollers, let him go, eany meany, miney, moe, ...

My mother told me, to pick the very best one, and that is Y-O-U...

Not because you're dirty,
Not because you're clean,
Just because you kissed a boy and girl behind the magazine.

 

[Schlenkerla]

She wins...

 

[baldm79]

She wins...View attachment 586868

As my old boss would say “those things would knock you out if she turned around quickly”

 

[lschiavo]

If I'm gonna get knocked out, that's the way I want it to happen

 

[homebrewer_99]

damn auto drunk !!

Here you go: I'll let you use my response: I'm an excellent speller, it's my fingers that are dyslexic...

 

[homebrewer_99]

A billionaire with 3 girlfriends cant decide which one to marry so he gives them each one a million dollars a tell them to come back in month.

A month later they all meet and he asks the women how much money they still have. The first one giggle and says had spent it all. The second one said she too had no more money left but she gave the money away to charities and to family members in need. The third one handed the billionaire back his initial millions and said she invested his money and made so much she actually gave him another million as interest.

So who did he end up marrying?

The one with the biggest ****s.

Unbeknownst to him...HE becomes the BIGGEST ****. LOL!

 

[vanishingpint]

If the one in blue fell down you'd have to milk her twice to get her back up.

 

[S-Met]

If the one in blue fell down you'd have to milk her twice to get her back up.

I dont have an appropriate response at this time...

 

[ba-brewer]

If the one in blue fell down you'd have to milk her twice to get her back up.

I must be color blind.

edit: never mind ,eyes are fine, just did not look lower enough to see past the shadow. Guess that is a blue dress.

 

[HopsNTails]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman who is eating at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and gives her brown eye a lick.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

 

[homebrewer_99]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman who is eating at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and gives her brown eye a lick.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

WHOA! You are NOT going to BELIEVE this...I was coming here to tell the same joke. No kidding!

 

[homebrewer_99]

I dont have an appropriate response at this time...

I do...

If the one in blue fell down you'd have to milk her twice to get her back up.

You say that like it's a bad thing...twice the work equal twice the fun!

 

[ba-brewer]

Two prospector out searching for gold in the wild west and one gets bit on the azz by a rattle snake while taking a crap. The other prospector runs in town to get the doctor, but when he finds the doctor he is busy patching up the sheriff and cant leave. The Doc though tell him "don't move your friend or the venom will spread and he will die, just cut the wound and suck out the blood and venom and he will be fine". He finally makes it back to camp and the first prospector asks "where is the Doc, what did he say?" The other prospector replies, Doc said your going to die.

 

[ancientmariner52]

The absent minded preacher woke up Sunday morning and discovered his mule was missing. He had to walk and jog all the way to church to be on time.

As he jogged along, he thought of a way to find out who stole his mule. He would preach a sermon on the Ten Commandments. When he got to 'Thou shalt not steal', he'd bear down hard and look each man present right in the eye. He knew these people, he was sure he would know which one had his mule.

The Spirit came upon him, he was preaching better and stronger than ever before. He was certain the plan was working!

But when he got to the one about 'Thou shalt not commit adultery', he suddenly recalled where he'd left his mule.

 

[FunkedOut]

 

[FunkedOut]

And now to get back to beer stuff...

you’re gonna love it down under!