Stupid Joke Thread!

[Kent88]

I was sitting at my desk, making calls to customers. I dialed a number of who I thought was a woman, and a man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is So-and So and could I please speak to _______?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.
I managed to track down the woman's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with her, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk.
I decided to call it again. When the same person answered, I yelled "You're a *******!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "*******," and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.
He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a *******!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me - I would have to stop calling the *******.

Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice. "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a *******!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.

A couple of weeks later, there was an old lady at the mall really taking her time pulling out of a parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot.

I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling,

"You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me and walked into the mall.

I told myself, this guy's a *******; there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number.

Back in my office, I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

"I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Dan _______"."
"When's a good time to catch you, Dan?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Dan, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Dan, you're a *******!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Dan's number to my speed dialer.
Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call!

After a few weeks of that fun, I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a new solution. First, I had my phone dial ******* #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled "You're a *******!" but I didn't hang up.
The ******* said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Dan ________."
He said "Where do you live?"
I said, "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
He said "I'm coming over right now, Dan, you'd better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******!" and I hung up.

Then I called ******* #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, *******!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now *******!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the police action going on down 1802 W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious!

If you want to watch two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news....

Hey, I got that forward too. I think it was back in the late 90s

 

[JohnSand]

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says "No Dogs Allowed" The guy says that it's a talking dog. Bartender calls BS. The guy says, if I can prove the dog talks, will you buy us both a drink?
Bartender doesn't believe him, but lets him try. The dog jumps up on the stool, and the guy asks the dog "What's on top of a building?" Roof!
"What's on the outside of a tree?" Bark!
"Who was the greatest baseball player ever?" Roof!
The bartender yells at them to Get Out!

On the street, the guy looks at the dog and says "Well, you blew it again"
The dog says "You think I should have said Gehrig?"

 

[GHBWNY]

My uncle was a magician. One day he was walking down the street and turned into a restaurant.

 

[Sillybilly]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

 

[MHBT]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

what?

 

[ba-brewer]

On a guys first night in prison he hears people yelling out a number then the other inmates would laugh. The guy asks his cellmate what is happening and his cellmate explained that people have already heard all of the jokes and have assigned numbers to them all and just numbers instead of telling the full joke. The new guy then yells out a few number, 55, 82, 200 but nobody laughs. He asks his cellmate why no one was laughing and the cellmate replied "It is not the joke, it how you told it".

 

[benco]

What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

 

[Brewenstein]

What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Dam(n)!

 

[JONNYROTTEN]

What do you call 2 lesbians in a closet?
A liquor cabinet

 

[Brewenstein]

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A mega-sore-ass.




What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A lick-alotta-pus.

 

[arturo7]

opening this thread is always a risk

 

[MaxStout]

I just read that the founder of Ikea passed away. In his honor I'll assemble a few gags...just as soon as I find that 5mm hex wrench...

 

[Schreiner]

What did zero say to eight?
Nice belt!

 

[MHBT]

What does a gay horse eat?

Heyyyy!

 

[MaxStout]

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

They taste funny.

 

[Jwin]

If you are lost in the middle of the woods, looking north, what is the shortest way out?

 

[Dimax]

'If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?'

 

[lschiavo]

If you are lost in the middle of the woods, looking north, what is the shortest way out?

Is this a riddle? Any direction should work if you're in the middle.

You've seen the riddle/rhyming thread? That was fun. I miss it sometimes... The brainchild of the legendary @Dan

 

[Schlenkerla]

If you are lost in the middle of the woods, looking north, what is the shortest way out?

Up would be the shortest way out. Like via helicopter.

 

[day_trippr]

Maybe not, if you're only allowed a single vector

 

[MaxStout]

Two guys are lost in the desert. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden one of them (Mark) says, "Hey Dave, do you smell what I smell. It's bacon, I think."
"Yeah Mark, it sure smells like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There is fried bacon, double smoked bacon, Canadian bacon; every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Dave, Dave, we are saved. It's a bacon tree."
"Mark, maybe it's a mirage? We are in the desert don't forget."
"Dave, since when did you ever hear of a mirage that smells like bacon? It's no mirage, it's a bacon tree."
And with that, Mark staggers towards the tree. He gets to within five feet, with Dave crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Mark drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Dave with his dying breath, "Dave, go back man, you were right, it's not a bacon tree!"
"Mark, Mark my friend, what is it?"
"Dave it's not a bacon tree; it's, it's, it's, a ham bush!"

 

[Homercidal]

Two guys are lost in the desert. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden one of them (Mark) says, "Hey Dave, do you smell what I smell. It's bacon, I think."
"Yeah Mark, it sure smells like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There is fried bacon, double smoked bacon, Canadian bacon; every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Dave, Dave, we are saved. It's a bacon tree."
"Mark, maybe it's a mirage? We are in the desert don't forget."
"Dave, since when did you ever hear of a mirage that smells like bacon? It's no mirage, it's a bacon tree."
And with that, Mark staggers towards the tree. He gets to within five feet, with Dave crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Mark drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Dave with his dying breath, "Dave, go back man, you were right, it's not a bacon tree!"
"Mark, Mark my friend, what is it?"
"Dave it's not a bacon tree; it's, it's, it's, a ham bush!"

OH MAN!

 

[Schlenkerla]

Two guys are lost in the desert. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden one of them (Mark) says, "Hey Dave, do you smell what I smell. It's bacon, I think."
"Yeah Mark, it sure smells like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There is fried bacon, double smoked bacon, Canadian bacon; every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Dave, Dave, we are saved. It's a bacon tree."
"Mark, maybe it's a mirage? We are in the desert don't forget."
"Dave, since when did you ever hear of a mirage that smells like bacon? It's no mirage, it's a bacon tree."
And with that, Mark staggers towards the tree. He gets to within five feet, with Dave crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Mark drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Dave with his dying breath, "Dave, go back man, you were right, it's not a bacon tree!"
"Mark, Mark my friend, what is it?"
"Dave it's not a bacon tree; it's, it's, it's, a ham bush!"

Awesome. I got revenge, I ate ham with a rauchbier last night. I also sent this to a buddy who's on a golf vacation in Vegas.
[emoji482]

 

[MaxStout]

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going ice fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog, you betcha."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like ice fishing!"
"Look! We're going ice fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1. You come fishing with me and the dog... 2. You give me a Beej.... 3. or you take it up the butt!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle and get the dog, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? Ice fishing with me and the dog, beej, or up the butt?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a BJ!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants.
The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her husband, "Jesus, your dick tastes like shiat!"
"Yeah" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

 

[Schreiner]

A life long resident of the Florida keys, an old man was on his death bed, with his family and the hospice nurse at his side.

Knowing his time was short, he quietly asked the nurse to help him to take a video, so he could record his final wishes.

"To my only son, I want to leave all of my condominiums on the east coast of the island. To my eldest daughter, all of the beach homes on the west side of the island. My business in the middle of the island, I leave to my wife."

With that, he expired. The nurse, not being sure what to say, exclaimed, " wow. I didn't realize your husband was so wealthy."

The wife, with tears in her eyes, said, " are you kidding? That ass was a paper boy his whole life!"

 

[TKWoody]

Need some beer jokes on this thread.

This one is from the 1980's when we didn't have the choices we have now for beer.

Why does beer go through you so quick? it doesn't have to change color.

 

[TKWoody]

Why is Lite beer like making love in a canoe?

It's f---ing close to water.

 

[TKWoody]

So, the Wisconsin DOT put in a bunch of roundabouts like they have in England. These worked so well they thought they should start driving on the other side of the road too.

Now this is a big change, so they decide to implement it gradually. For the first week just trucks and buses...

 

[VApatriot]

Why does a dog lick his balls?



No. It's not because he can. It's because he can't make a fist with his little paw!

 

[S-Met]

This guy is walking down the street with his pet giraffe on a warm summer afternoon. He starts to get thirsty and decides to duck into a local pub for a pint. On his way downstairs, his giraffe stumbles making quite a ruckus and ends up sprawled out in the middle of the pub floor.

The bartender exclaims, "HEY! WHATS THAT LYING ON THE FLOOR?"

The guy says, "That not a Lion, its a Giraffe."