Stupid Joke Thread!

[BeerAndTele]

A buddy of mine at work is diabetic. He recently lost a few toes on his right foot. It was sad.
Worse yet, his wife threatened to divorce him. I asked why, and he said, "she's lack-toes intolerant."

 

[balrog]

A buddy of mine at work is diabetic. He recently lost a few toes on his right foot. It was sad.
Worse yet, his wife threatened to divorce him. I asked why, and he said, "she's lack-toes intolerant."

Oh God!

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[Broothru]

View attachment 846023

Now THAT’S funny!

 

[homebeerbrewer]

They used to say you can look at the eclipse through a colander. I tried it, but all I did was strain my eyes.

 

[Rish]

What is the best way to secure your bagels?

Put lox on them.

 

[BongoYodeler]

Who Said Cemeteries Aren't Funny! Many are hilarious!
Old Tombstone Inscriptions: some great ones!


Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
"Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was."

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
"Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up....
and no place to go."

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
"Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young."

In a London cemetery:
"Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid...
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England cemetery:
" Anna Wallace...
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
"Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising."

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.."

In a Silver City, Nevada cemetery:
"Here lays The Kid,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw."

A lawyer's epitaph in England :
"Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange."

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England cemetery:
"Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,....
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny."

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England :
On the 22nd of June,... "Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune."

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
"Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go."

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
"Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod,
Pease shelled out and went to God."

In a cemetery in England :
"Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me."
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
"To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went."

 

[balrog]

Tickles my grammar nazi bone—

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

 

[balrog]

As a Joseph, I approve this message.

 

[Rish]

The female iguana never laid any fertilized eggs. Apparently, her mate is suffering from a reptile dysfunction.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

Why would someone steal the batteries out of my calculator? It doesn’t add up.

 

[balrog]

 

[day_trippr]

Being out in the boonies a long way from Dot Ave it took me a minute to sound that one out

 

[pvtpublic]

That's wicked awesome kid

 

[balrog]

 

[BeerAndTele]

I got a strange call the other day. I said “hello?” and the caller coughed, sneezed, sniffled and hung up. So annoying - I hate getting cold calls.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

I tell dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I faux pa.

 

[balrog]

 

[BongoYodeler]

Not a child lock, but an adult-proof lock. Designed to keep the husband from going down to the pub!

 

[day_trippr]

Zero effectivity, but cute...

 

[Broken Crow]

Not a child lock, but an adult-proof lock. Designed to keep the husband from going down to the pub!

View attachment 847699

Zero effectivity, but cute...

Could be made effective by putting it on the outside in order to get a good uninterrupted sleep.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

I was going to share a joke about hotels, but I have reservations.

 

[day_trippr]

"Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds. They’ve left no tern unstoned."

 

[homebeerbrewer]

 

[homebeerbrewer]

I was going to share a joke about Alzheimers, but I forgot it.

 

[John Ha]

When I lived in Texas, I often worked around outside on the weekends; fixing stuff, mowing, trimming trees, clearing fence lines, and the like.

One day, one of my neighbors, whom I had not met, walked over and introduced himself.

We chatted for a few minutes, getting to know a little about each other, when he finally said, "I see you working out here a lot and you seem to be pretty handy. I've got a little project going and I was hoping you might have a tuba I could borrow."

"A tuba?", I said, with a puzzled look on my face.

"A tuba", he reaffirmed.

I thought for a minute and replied, "Well, I'm sorry but I don't have a tuba. I have a guitar that you're welcome to borrow though."

He said, "No, no! I need a TUBA. You know. Lumber. I need a tuba four."

 

[BeerAndTele]

I’ve been going through a tough time at work lately. Yesterday I came home, feeling frustrated, and my wife - sensing my despair - put a reassuring hand on my shoulder and said, “Earth.” I know it sounds strange, but it meant the world to me.

 

[Rish]

"That's the last time I'll ever screw around with an alligator," my friend said offhandedly.

 

[Novacor]

I was at a restaurant the other day looking at the menu. The waitress came over and asked if I knew what I wanted. I said “Yes, I’ll have a quickie”. She got angry and slapped me and stormed off.

Apparently that's not how you pronounce quiche.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

Some people can’t distinguish between etymology and entomology. They bug me in ways I can’t put into words