Stupid Joke Thread!

[balrog]

My ex had a parakeet. That thing never shut up.


Neither did the bird.

 

[balrog]

Dalmatians can never play hide and seek.


They’re always spotted.

 

[balrog]

I went to the paint store today to get thinner.


It didn't work.

 

[Sailingeric]

I made a couple of guys at Starbucks mad today because I called them hipsters.​

Apparently “conjoined twins” is the proper thing to say.

 

[balrog]

I just found out there's a clinical name for when you cannot sleep, but just stay up eating.


Insom-nom-nom-nom-nia

 

[balrog]

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.


But then the Librarian asked me to take it out.

 

[agentbud]

The relationship between a man and woman is purely psychological. One of them is psycho and the other is logical. Don't try and figure out which is which.

 

[NSMikeD]

Two stockbrokers were commuting to work. One says to the other
“I got a dog for my wife”
To which the other replies
“Good trade “

 

[BongoYodeler]

An elderly man thinking his
wife was losing her hearing
went about 20' behind her
and asked "Can you hear me
sweetheart?' No reply. Moved
to 10' and inquired again. No
reply. 5' and not a word. A
few inches behind ear, he
asked "Can you hear me now
honey"? His wife said "For the
fourth time, yes.“

 

[Sailingeric]

Man to Psychiatrist: “I am depressed. All three of my sons want to be valets when they grow up.”​

Psychiatrist: "Hmmm, that is the strangest case of parking sons disease I have ever heard of.”

 

[balrog]

Smoking will kill you.
Bacon will kill you.

Smoking bacon



will cure it.

 

[Sailingeric]

I accidentally said "Shirley" today instead of "Siri".​

Now my phone is stuck on Airplane mode.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

A new technology has been developed that allows doctors to know exactly when someone will have a massive heart attack.

It's called "Peleton".

 

[balrog]

The inventor of the throat lozenge passed away.
There was no coughin' at his funeral.

I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup yesterday.
Then I had probably the largest vowel movement in my life.

 

[balrog]

Did you know that the only reason the Great Pyramids are located in Giza, Egypt



is because they were too heavy for the British Museum to carry back to England?

 

[Sailingeric]

At my job interview they wanted to know if I perform under pressure.​

I said “No, but I’m pretty good with Bohemian Rhapsody”

 

[BongoYodeler]

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke for April Fool’s Day, but you didn’t like it.

I have a great April Fools' joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.

When does an April Fools' joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent

 

[balrog]

April's Fool ads are dropping. Anyone else suddenly hear Donna Summer in their brain?

Lookin for some hop tub baby this evening..

 

[day_trippr]

I got that one this morning.
Knowing what "full contact hopping" is actually like (stripping bushels of ripe cones will give you that knowledge) this would be a hard pass for me - unless she is super hot and bare ass nekkid, of course. I'd take one for the team in that case...

Cheers!

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[soccerdad]

Woman approaches clerk at Smith's Pharmacy.
"I need to speak privately with Mr Smith please."
Mr. Smith - "How can I help you ma'am?"
"I need to buy some cyanide"
"I'm sorry ma'am. No can do. It's totally restricted and I risk my license."
Woman shows Mr Smith a photo of his wife and her husband making passionate love."
"Oh that's different, says Mr Smith, I didn't realize that you had a prescription.

 

[balrog]

 

[Sailingeric]

My friend has a bad stutter​

When he tried to tell me his Nana died I was singing the Batman theme with him

 

[soccerdad]

 

[Rish]

I was getting ready to clean my gutters today but fell off a 20 foot ladder. Fortunately, I was on the 2nd rung.

 

[balrog]

How do vets treat canines with a fever?


Mustard.

Cuz mustard is good for a hot dog.

 

[balrog]

What happens if you put ducks in the concrete mixer?
You get quacks in the pavement.

I saw an ad: "Radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on HIGH". And I thought to myself,
"I can't turn that down!"