Stupid Joke Thread!

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When I lived in Texas, I often worked around outside on the weekends; fixing stuff, mowing, trimming trees, clearing fence lines, and the like.

One day, one of my neighbors, whom I had not met, walked over and introduced himself.

We chatted for a few minutes, getting to know a little about each other, when he finally said, "I see you working out here a lot and you seem to be pretty handy. I've got a little project going and I was hoping you might have a tuba I could borrow."

"A tuba?", I said, with a puzzled look on my face.

"A tuba", he reaffirmed.

I thought for a minute and replied, "Well, I'm sorry but I don't have a tuba. I have a guitar that you're welcome to borrow though."

He said, "No, no! I need a TUBA. You know. Lumber. I need a tuba four."
A penguin is driving around town when all of a sudden his car begins to spluter and die out. He drives into the nearest service station and tells the mechanic there about the hassles he's having. The machanic gives his car a quick once over, and says to him "This should take about half an hour - come back and pick it up then".
Penguins being the frigid creatures they are, he decided to grab himself an ice cream while he is waiting. He buys the biggest, creamiest vanilla ice cream money can buy, and lacking an opposable thumb, pushes his face into it to eat it. Ice cream goes everywhere - all over the floor, all over the counter, all over his face. He takes a quick look at his watch and realises he's late, so forgoing the clean up, he races back to the mechanic.
When he gets there, the mechanic looks him up and down, and says "Well, it's not pretty, but it looks like you've blown a seal."
To which the penguin replies "Nah mate, it's just ice cream."
Mikel bought a camel from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day.
In the morning he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The camel's died.'

Mikel replied, 'Well just give me my money back then.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Mikel said, 'OK then, just bring me the dead camel.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Mikel said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead camel!'
Mikel said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.
I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Mikel and asked, 'What happened with that dead camel?'
Mikel said, 'I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Mikel said, 'Just the guy who won.
So I gave him his $2 back.'
not a joke - true story but funny as hell

a patient told me today she eats raw eggs every day for breakfast.
i told her its prolly too much cholesterol and that raw eggs can carry salmonella.

she said dont worry they are pasture raised.

more "jokes" - maybe these are first hand maybe not 😉

car vs scooter. scooterer presents with RIGHT hand deformed wrapped up with abrasions.

me : can you move your fingers?

scooterer: proceeds to move LEFT fingers. "yeah they work fine"

onlly two of us in room :

question: hi why are you here?

answer: who me?

again only two of us in room

me: hi get up on the exam table .

answer: who me ?

Me: well i dont generally get up on the table .


guy comes in with his thumb taped up.

Me: hi what happened to you?

answer : shows me a picture of lebron james injured with his thumb taped up and says , " i think i got the same exact injury as this guy, lebron james."

Me: how did that happen?

answer: Oh he sprained his thumb playing basketball.


90 year old grandma speaks no english brought in by her teenage grandaughter at her side.

i turn to the girl and say " hi are you going to be able to translate for me ? "
answer: yes
Me: ok good, then why did you bring her in today?

girl : i just told you ! So i can translate for her !
4 nuns come to confession
The first goes in and says "I've touched a man's privates"
The priest says "it could have been an accident on a busy street"
The nun says "I did it on purpose"
The priest says "go wash your hand in the holy water on your way out"
The second goes in and says "I touch a man's privates with both hands"
The priest tells her to wash both hands in the holy water on the way out.

The fourth nun asks the third if she can go before her
"Why?" asks the third

"Because I don't want to gargle that holy water after you've had to sit in it."
"Who's Ron?"


"The guy who wrote all those poems and signed it 'by Ron'"

"...that's...that's his family name. You mean Lord George Byron?"

"Oh, right then"

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