Stupid Joke Thread!

[pvtpublic]

I knew you'd get stuck on that one.

Edit: @pvtpublic spoiled my punchline!

Yes, I did, and I apologize

 

[BeerAndTele]

I was feeling anxious this week so I called the Paranoia Hotline. Instead of saying “Hello”, the woman that answered said, “how’d you get this number??”

 

[day_trippr]

That joke is too funny for this thread

 

[balrog]

I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instruction said remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk now but when I fart the room smells lovely.

 

[day_trippr]

 

[BongoYodeler]

Woman stops 12 ft gator with .22 pistol!

"Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol." Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.

It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

"If I had not had my little Ruger 22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.

The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!"

 

[BeerAndTele]

I told my wife the other day that I thought her underwear was entirely too tight and too revealing.

She told me to wear my own.

 

[balrog]

I've reached that advanced age where I am lucky to have someone call and check on me every single day.

He is from India and is very concerned about my car's extended warranty.

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[balrog]

Me: I am SO tired from all the CrossFit this morning.

Her: it’s pronounced “croissant” and I still don’t know how you managed to eat 11.

 

[balrog]

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.

He said no.

 

[balrog]

I ran out of coffee this morning.
Bourbon seemed like a reasonable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

 

[balrog]

 

[Kee]

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.

He said no.

I bet when you asked him if he knew Herman Cain's tax plan he sounded more emphatic, no no no.

 

[ncbrewer]

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.

He said no.

You're reaching.

 

[BongoYodeler]

Earlier today I saw a guy dragging a clam on a leash behind him. I thought, 'It must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel.'

 

[homebeerbrewer]

It’s illegal to laugh loudly in Hawaii. You’re only allowed a low ha.

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[Kent88]

Ok I guess I'm going to be that guy* and point out that it's a myth that urine is a good treatment for jellyfish stings.

https://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-magazine-monitor-23502032

https://www.livescience.com/health/should-you-really-pee-on-a-jellyfish-sting

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/pee-jellyfish-sting

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/fact-or-fiction-urinating/




*That Guy, also great at parties

 

[balrog]

A study has revealed that a woman's preferences for male facial features can change with her menstrual cycle.
For instance, when she is ovulating, she tends to be attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, during menstruation or menopause, she might prefer a man with duct tape over his mouth, a spear lodged in his chest, and engulfed in flames.

Further studies on this subject are unlikely.

 

[balrog]

My significant other got stung on the forehead.
Face all swollen.
In the ER now.

Luckily I was close enough when it happened and was able to hit it with a shovel.

 

[BongoYodeler]

My significant other got stung on the forehead.
Face all swollen.
In the ER now.

Luckily I was close enough when it happened and was able to hit it with a shovel.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

 

[balrog]

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Sorry everyone. It was funnier when a woman told it, about her husband.
It kinda went "splat" when I told it.

Pun intended.

 

[GrogNerd]

me, to animal control: I found a suitcase with a fox & 4 little baby foxes.

animal control: are they moving?

me: that would explain the suitcase, but I don't know.

 

[balrog]

It would be funny if it weren’t true.

All.
The.
Time.

 

[ncbrewer]

Sorry everyone. It was funnier when a woman told it, about her husband.
It kinda went "splat" when I told it.

Pun intended.

It reminds me of the sick jokes from when I was a kid.

 

[balrog]

The Institute of Unfinished Research concluded that 6 out of 10 people

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

Did your hear? They're not making 12" rulers
any longer

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[balrog]

<the following is intended as humor. Do not try this at home without some semblance of ux knowledge. I will not be held responsible for my own, your, or anyone's stupidity>

Linux Tips
Always remove the french language pack to save disk space:
sudo rm -fr /*

Follow me for more disk saving tips

 

[balrog]

I can't remember from school how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman Numerals, and IM LIVID

 

[balrog]

I was in Home Depot and some little kid called me an "old fart"

So if you're missing your kid, he's in the red LG dryer, Isle 17.

 

[day_trippr]

<the following is intended as humor. Do not try this at home without some semblance of ux knowledge. I will not be held responsible for my own, your, or anyone's stupidity>

Linux Tips
Always remove the french language pack to save disk space:
sudo rm -fr /*

Follow me for more disk saving tips

There are actually lots of discussions about that infamous command line extant.
Some are freakin' hilarious - and some actually try to find ways to prevent The Horror

 

[homebeerbrewer]

That’s why you should have at least one backup.

 

[day_trippr]

Meh. Where's the drama in that?

 

[balrog]

(meanwhile, in another corner of the web, we find)

"What's the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman?"

"One's a superhero, the other is a command"

 

[balrog]

If I climb into bed with you and start snuggling, all you have to do is snuggle back.
It helps me fall asleep.

Don't start asking things, like "how'd you get into my house"

That ruins the moment.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

Where do rainbows go?

Prism. It is just a light sentence.

 

[doug293cz]

Where do rainbows go?

Prism. It is just a light sentence.

We really need a groan emoji for the "Like" options.

Brew on