New Joke thread. Let's keep it reasonable

[harleybug88]

A duck walks into a store to buy a stick of chap-stick. The cashier ask him how will you be paying today?

The duck says, Oh, just put it on my bill.

 

[WI_Wino]

Guy around the water cooler at work mentions he needs a new suit. "Oh man, you have to go see Walter on 8th st!" "He's a good tailor?" "The best! He's unorthodox for sure, but his suits fit amazing".

So the guy gets an appointment and goes to see Walter. He thinks its a little weird that the lady that picked up the phone mentioned, again, that Walter is a little unorthodox... but his suits fit amazin... after all, he was already making the appointment, but no matter.

After an uneventful train ride the guy goes in to see Walter. His shop is packed to the gills with pictures of VIPs, actors, and even President Clinton with personal thanks signed on the photos. "Good afternoon, I'm Walter. I dont know if Karen told you, but I do things a little differently, but I assure you you wont find a suit with a better fit in all of New York, or the World for that matter. Please, put your right arm under your right knee, put your left hand on your forhead and bend your left knee outward."

Weird, but the guy does as he is bidded, and Walter takes about 400 different measurements all over the guy's body and writes them all down in a positively huge notebook. Walter then thanks him and says to come back in two weeks, he will have a beautiful suit for him with the most amazing fit.

Two weeks later, the guy comes back to find Walter has made him a suit... and its all messed up. One leg is about 2 feet longer than the other... there's a pocket on the crotch of the pants and one sleeve appears to be missing completely. "What the hell Walter?!" "Sir, I told you, I do things a little differently. What you need to do on the way out of the shop is walk with one arm under the other leg, bend the other leg slightly and put your off hand on your forehead on the way home. By the time your wedding comes around you will see the Walter difference!"

The guy is about to argue when he remembers that even Bill Clinton trusts Walter and his unorthodox suits, so he pays ($800!) and leaves the shop with one arm under his leg and his hand on his forehead, etc.

Overseeing this, a little boy asks his father "Daddy, is that man retarded?"

Father: "Looks like it, son, yes. But that suit... man... what a fit!"

I've read this 10 times and I don't get the joke...

 

[Hamaki]

A guy stops at a diner and orders a cup of coffee. The waitress brings it to him and he notices she's got her thumb on the inside of the cup, in his coffee.

Him - "What's the deal with your thumb in my coffee?!?"

Her - "I've got arthritis and the warm coffee makes it feel better."

Him - "Well you can take that arthritic thumb of yours and shove it straight up your @$$!"

Her - "I do when I'm in the kitchen."

 

[harleybug88]

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Hootie.
Hootie who?
Hootie you think you are, Gomer Pyle?

You probably won't get this joke if your under 50...

 

[MaxStout]

Where would you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him

What do you do with a dog with no legs?

Take him for a drag.


What do you call a dog with no legs?

Don't bother calling him. He won't come anyway.


What do you call a dog with short legs and brass balls?

Sparky.

 

[Hamaki]

What do you call a one legged Irish prostitute? Tramp O'Lean

Spoiler alert!!!
Matt
Bob
Skip
Art

 

[CreamyGoodness]

The Engineering professor at West Point is holding a lecture on practical engineering matters in front of a bunch of senior cadets.

"Class, we have an issue. We need a 10 foot flag pole erected in the courtyard for Colonel Smith and General Jones's visit tomorrow at 0900 hours. Cadet Brown, what do you suggest?"

Cadet Brown: "Well, sir, I suggest we requisition about 30 feet of rope and block and tackle. Also we should assemble a group of..."

Instructor: "No no no... you obviously dont understand the gravity and parameters of the situation. Cadet Miller, what would YOU suggest?"

Cadet Miller: "I suggest we find the Sergeant Major and tell him we need a flagpole erected tonight by 2300 hours."

Instructor: "You are like the son I never had, Miller."

 

[Psylocide]

Mickey Mouse stood before the judge waiting for the verdict
on his divorce case.

"Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce. Although you claim she
is crazy, the court has found Minnie Mouse to be mentally competent," proclaimed the judge.

"But your Honor," he said, "I didn't say Minnie was crazy. I said
she was ****ing Goofy!"

(say that last line in your best mickey voice)

 

[hunter_le five]

A man walks up to the ticket booth at the train station.
The girl behind the counter at the ticket booth is gorgeous and has rather large breasts, and he struggles to maintain eye contact with her.
"Two pickets to Tittsburgh, please," he says.
"Oh Gosh!", the young lady says. "That was a Freudian slip!"
"A 'Freudian slip'? What's that?" he asks.
"Well, You saw my breasts and you said 'Tittsburgh' instead of 'Pittsburgh'. You meant one thing and said another."
"Oh my goodness, I apologize young lady!" the man said. "I did that this morning at breakfast as well."
"Haha that's okay," she replied. "What did you say to your wife?"
"Well," the man said, "my wife asked me what I wanted for breakfast, and I said, 'You've ruined my life you fvcking bitch.'"

 

[LabRatBrewer]

Heisenberg is pulled over. "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" asks the policeman. H: "No. But, I know where I am."

 

[ncbrewer]

Heisenberg is pulled over. "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" asks the policeman. H: "No. But, I know where I am."

He was uncertain.

 

[Hang Glider]

Rene Descartes stops in for a cup of coffee at a sidewalk cafe. "care for milk or cream, sir?" asks the waiter. "I think not" says Rene - and poof! no Descartes

 

[JonM]

I'm opposed to picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

 

[GilaMinumBeer]

I've read this 10 times and I don't get the joke...

Try reading it with one arm under the other leg, bend the other leg slightly and put your off hand on your forehead and see if it suits you.

 

[CreamyGoodness]

In light of the recent tensions between the Kremlin and the West, the President of Russia has been making a call for nationalism and self sufficiency. Consumer goods such as Russian electronics, automobiles, appliances, and even snack foods have been played up, while similar products that have been imported have been eschewed.

The Kremlin has taken this so far that the Russian soda cracker "Da Krisp" has become the posterboy of the movement. "Buy Da Krisp" came the call "Down with Keebler and Nabisco!" The president has even put out a treatise on why Da Krisp is so superior to the western Ritz cracker.

The treatise?

.

.

.

.

Putin, on the Ritz.

 

[hunter_le five]

Putin, on the Ritz.

I'm not going to lie, that one made me groan audibly.

 

[JonM]

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1FLZPFI3jc[/ame]

 

[Black Island Brewer]

In light of the recent tensions between the Kremlin and the West, the President of Russia has been making a call for nationalism and self sufficiency. Consumer goods such as Russian electronics, automobiles, appliances, and even snack foods have been played up, while similar products that have been imported have been eschewed.

The Kremlin has taken this so far that the Russian soda cracker "Da Krisp" has become the posterboy of the movement. "Buy Da Krisp" came the call "Down with Keebler and Nabisco!" The president has even put out a treatise on why Da Krisp is so superior to the western Ritz cracker.

The treatise?

.

.

.

.

Putin, on the Ritz.

That's it. I'm siccin' Billy-Klubb on you!

berry punches!! all of you!!!!

 

[Rehlgood]

Why can't Ms. Piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.

 

[jonbourg]

Why did the coach go to the bank?

He wanted his quarterback!

 

[Hang Glider]

Okay, if we're going grade school...


when is a car NOT a car?

when it turns into a driveway...

 

[ChuckO]

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the Centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"
.....




.....

This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!!!
I'm putting my shoes on!"

 

[Psylocide]

Why do married men live longer?



They don't... it just feels that way.

 

[Auger]

Okay, if we're going grade school...


when is a car NOT a car?

when it turns into a driveway...

And when is a door not a door? When its ajar.

 

[Homercidal]

When is pass interference not pass interference?

 

[Psylocide]

When is pass interference not pass interference?

Depends if the guy standing 50 yards away says so or not.

 

[JonM]

When is pass interference not pass interference?

Same as when a touchback is not a touchback.

EDIT: Oh wait, that was offensive pass interference by Tate.

View attachment ImageUploadedByHome Brew1420829234.234828.jpg

 

[JonM]

A man comes home from work early and finds his English major wife in bed with another man.

"Helen, I'm surprised!" he says.

The English major wife replies, "Darling, I am surprised. You are astonished."

 

[rainbow181]

What do you do when you see your ex staggering around your front yard?

Shoot em again!

 

[MindenMan]

What is a lesbians favorite bread?

Dill dough.

 

[JINKS]

A guy finishes drinking at a bar, tips backwards falls off his stool and heads home. He drags himself out the door of the bar and crawls down the block to his house. He hears the phone begin to ring in his house as he slithers up the stairs. His wife answers the phone and meets him at the front door. "Bob", she says, "Frank at the bar called, you forgot your wheelchair again."

 

[Jacob_Marley]

Yankel Goldstein is in his 80s but still gainfully employed as a ribbon salesman.
For years he has been trying to make a ribbon sale to Macy's New York.
Finally, the somewhat anti-semetic buyer at Macy's agrees to a sale ...

"Goldstein", he says, "I'm finally going to give you some business"
"Fantastic" says Goldstein "what can I get you?"
"Goldstein, I want a length of ribbon that stretches from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis."

"... a length of ribbon that stretches from the tip of my nose to the tip of my penis??" Goldstein repeats.

"That's what I said" says the buyer with a smug expression.

A few days later, 4 full truck loads of ribbon arrive at the Macy's loading dock.

The Macy's buyer goes ballistic and picks up the telephone:
"GOLDSTEIN!! "I told you I wanted a length of ribbon that stretched from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and FOUR semi trucks full of ribbon just pulled up to my docks ... What the hell is going on?"

Goldstein calmly answers, "the tip of my penis is in Poland"




<sigh ... it's a circumcision joke>

 

[ChrisVZ]

A baby seal walks into a club...

 

[vanishingpint]

Hear about the drunken farmer? Got on his tractor backwards and unplowed 50 acres before they got him stopped.

 

[Natdavis777]

You know who likes to get fisted?!?!



Sock puppets... Get out of the gutter perverts

 

[WI_Wino]

The dairy industry is lobbying the state government to outlaw round bales of hay. The cows aren't getting square meals. <rimshot>

 

[day_trippr]

Wow.

Clearly, the depth of "reasonable" knows no bounds...

Cheers!

 

[CreamyGoodness]

On the heels of the Johnsons St. Peter is again met with a no-brainer. Mr. Peterson, a vile old miser who actively enjoyed the pain and suffering of others, had his plug pulled by his son after complications with a mild case of pink eye. After all, he wouldnt want his father to suffer.

St. Peter sees Mr. Peterson coming and smiles. "Ah, Mr. Peterson. We've been waiting for you. Please follow the gentleman in the black robe down the escalator..."

"BULL****!" Mr. Peterson bellows. "I have a loophole! I gave a nickel to charity in '56!"

St. Peter is stunned by the man's audacity... but he has to admit there is some merit to the argument.

"Wait right here... I'm going to consult the boss."

Queue Jesus, who floats over to St. Peter and strokes his beard. "My child, what seems to be the issue?" "Sorry to bother you boss... Mr. Peterson here... whisper whisper... $0.05 in '54... whisper... said 'bull****' at the Pearly Gates... whisper whisper... pinkeye, I know right??... whisper"....

Christ listens intently, interjecting when necessary, all the while stroking his beard. Eventually he speaks. "Peter, tell you what. Give him his nickel back. Tell him to go to hell".

 

[JonM]

I live in Milwaukee, WI and I cannot believe I never heard this joke until just now:


Irish Car Bomb:
Fill one shot glass with1/2 Jameson's, 1/2 Baileys. Drop into half pint of Guinness.

Polish Car Bomb:
Drop one 22 oz. can of Budweiser into a shot glass of vodka.

 

[Homercidal]

I live in Milwaukee, WI and I cannot believe I never heard this joke until just now:


Irish Car Bomb:
Fill one shot glass with1/2 Jameson's, 1/2 Baileys. Drop into half pint of Guinness.

Polish Car Bomb:
Drop one 22 oz. can of Budweiser into a shot glass of vodka.

Wow, I've never had an Irish Car Bomb and never knew what was in one, but that sounds tasty! no joke.