Fedora
Glorified Janitor
No. No, you guys ruined it.
New Joke thread. Let's keep it reasonable
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Fedora
Glorified Janitor
What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday?
Aye matey.
Aye matey.
Steveruch
Well-Known Member
Is he the same one who was kicked out of the nudist colony for sticking his nose in everyone else's business?
VApatriot
Well-Known Member
Ok, well not new but this one always makes me laugh:
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Don't matter, he ain't coming.
Sorry, I couldn't resist. Blame the Bacardi on the rocks that SWMBO wants to get rid of :rockin:
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Don't matter, he ain't coming.
Sorry, I couldn't resist. Blame the Bacardi on the rocks that SWMBO wants to get rid of :rockin:
Steveruch
Well-Known Member
It's just as well: he would have probably sustained serious injury during Saturday night's twist contest.
Fedora
Glorified Janitor
Bwahaha!
ChrisVZ
Well-Known Member
It's the night of the big ball. Cinderella wants to go but is stuck at home with her period. She asks her fairy godmother for help. "There is one thin I can do to help. I can turn this pumpkin into a magic tampon that will stop all the symptoms, but you have to be home before midnight to remove it before it turns back into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees and heads off to the ball. Midnight comes and Fairy Godmother is worried because Cinderella isn't home yet. The hours pass and Cinderella finally makes it home in the early hours of the morning. "Where were you?" asks Fairy Godmother "Did the spell not wear off?" Cinderella replies "It did wear off, but I met this great guy named Peter Peter."
FranklinNewhart
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A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic… think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me.”
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, one day, he prayed for something different.
“Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing’s wrong,’ and how I can make this woman truly happy.”
There was a long silence. Then the Lord finally replied,
“You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic… think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me.”
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, one day, he prayed for something different.
“Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing’s wrong,’ and how I can make this woman truly happy.”
There was a long silence. Then the Lord finally replied,
“You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
Years back a store was doing research on wine sales. They found an interesting fact:
When they played French music over the speaker system, more people bought French Wine.
When they played German music over the speaker system, more people attacked the French wine.
When they played French music over the speaker system, more people bought French Wine.
When they played German music over the speaker system, more people attacked the French wine.
vanishingpint
well- known member
Did the French wine give up?
arturo7
Well-Known Member
Pierre, the famous French ace fighter pilot, was out on a date with his favorite girl. After dinner, they went to her place.
Girl: "Oh Pierre, keece me!"
Pierre: But ov courze!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of claret and begins to pour it over her lips.
G: "Pierre! Wot are you dooing?"
P: "I am Pierre, the fahmus Fraunsh ahce fighter pielaht! When I auve red meat, I auve red wine!"
G: "Oh, Pierre!"
Soon after that, things became more passionate.
Girl: "Oh Pierre, keece me lower!"
Pierre: "But ov courze!"
Pierre takes off her blouse and bra, the grabs a bottle of chablis and begins to pour it over her chest.
G: "Pierre! Wot are you dooing?"
P: "I am Pierre, the fahmus Fraunsh ahce fighter pielaht! When I auve white meat, I auve white wine!"
G: "Oh, Pierre!"
The passion soon spiraled out of control.
Girl: "Oh Pierre, keece me lower! Keece me lower!"
Pierre: But ov courze!"
Pierre removes her skirt and thong, grabs a bottle of cognac and begins to pour it over her nether regions. He then tosses in a match.
G: "Pierre! Pierre! Sacre bleu! Wot are you dooing? Wot are you dooing?"
P: "I am Pierre, the fahmus Fraunsh ahce fighter pielaht! When I go down...
I go down in flames!!"
Girl: "Oh Pierre, keece me!"
Pierre: But ov courze!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of claret and begins to pour it over her lips.
G: "Pierre! Wot are you dooing?"
P: "I am Pierre, the fahmus Fraunsh ahce fighter pielaht! When I auve red meat, I auve red wine!"
G: "Oh, Pierre!"
Soon after that, things became more passionate.
Girl: "Oh Pierre, keece me lower!"
Pierre: "But ov courze!"
Pierre takes off her blouse and bra, the grabs a bottle of chablis and begins to pour it over her chest.
G: "Pierre! Wot are you dooing?"
P: "I am Pierre, the fahmus Fraunsh ahce fighter pielaht! When I auve white meat, I auve white wine!"
G: "Oh, Pierre!"
The passion soon spiraled out of control.
Girl: "Oh Pierre, keece me lower! Keece me lower!"
Pierre: But ov courze!"
Pierre removes her skirt and thong, grabs a bottle of cognac and begins to pour it over her nether regions. He then tosses in a match.
G: "Pierre! Pierre! Sacre bleu! Wot are you dooing? Wot are you dooing?"
P: "I am Pierre, the fahmus Fraunsh ahce fighter pielaht! When I go down...
I go down in flames!!"
FranklinNewhart
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Non ce n'est pas. Cest « What Men Know About Women»
Fedora
Glorified Janitor
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Ground beef.
Fedora
Glorified Janitor
What do call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
Lean beef.
Fedora
Glorified Janitor
What do you call a cow with epilepsy?
Beef jerky.
Beef jerky.
Fedora
Glorified Janitor
Ok, Jaun Moore.
What do call a cow that's had an abortion?
Decalfinated.
What do call a cow that's had an abortion?
Decalfinated.
Fedora
Glorified Janitor
Did I ever tell y'all about the girl I dated in college? She had a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh.
When you pressed it against your ear, you could smell the ocean.
When you pressed it against your ear, you could smell the ocean.
Did you hear about the anvil that had to go to Alcohol Anonymous?
It kept getting hammered......
It kept getting hammered......
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly to the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
vanishingpint
well- known member
What did the nurse say when she found a thermometer behind her ear ? "Some a$$hole's got my pencil !"
Auger
Well-Known Member
Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I f*cked up."
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