He was uncertain.
New Joke thread. Let's keep it reasonable
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He was uncertain.
Hang Glider
Beer Drinker
Rene Descartes stops in for a cup of coffee at a sidewalk cafe. "care for milk or cream, sir?" asks the waiter. "I think not" says Rene - and poof! no Descartes
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Try reading it with one arm under the other leg, bend the other leg slightly and put your off hand on your forehead and see if it suits you.
CreamyGoodness
Well-Known Member
In light of the recent tensions between the Kremlin and the West, the President of Russia has been making a call for nationalism and self sufficiency. Consumer goods such as Russian electronics, automobiles, appliances, and even snack foods have been played up, while similar products that have been imported have been eschewed.
The Kremlin has taken this so far that the Russian soda cracker "Da Krisp" has become the posterboy of the movement. "Buy Da Krisp" came the call "Down with Keebler and Nabisco!" The president has even put out a treatise on why Da Krisp is so superior to the western Ritz cracker.
The treatise?
.
.
.
.
Putin, on the Ritz.
The Kremlin has taken this so far that the Russian soda cracker "Da Krisp" has become the posterboy of the movement. "Buy Da Krisp" came the call "Down with Keebler and Nabisco!" The president has even put out a treatise on why Da Krisp is so superior to the western Ritz cracker.
The treatise?
.
.
.
.
Putin, on the Ritz.
hunter_le five
Sheriff Underscore
![Craft A Brew - Safale BE-256 Yeast - Fermentis - Belgian Ale Dry Yeast - For Belgian & Strong Ales - Ingredients for Home Brewing - Beer Making Supplies - [3 Pack]](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/51bcKEwQmWL._SL500_.jpg)
Black Island Brewer
An Ode to Beer
Hang Glider
Beer Drinker
Okay, if we're going grade school...
when is a car NOT a car?
when it turns into a driveway...
when is a car NOT a car?
when it turns into a driveway...
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the Centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"
.....
.....
This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!!!
I'm putting my shoes on!"
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the Centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"
.....
.....
This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!!!
I'm putting my shoes on!"
Auger
Well-Known Member
And when is a door not a door? When its ajar.
When is pass interference not pass interference?
Psylocide
Ippons for Days
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Depends if the guy standing 50 yards away says so or not.
Same as when a touchback is not a touchback.
EDIT: Oh wait, that was offensive pass interference by Tate.
View attachment ImageUploadedByHome Brew1420829234.234828.jpg
A man comes home from work early and finds his English major wife in bed with another man.
"Helen, I'm surprised!" he says.
The English major wife replies, "Darling, I am surprised. You are astonished."
"Helen, I'm surprised!" he says.
The English major wife replies, "Darling, I am surprised. You are astonished."
rainbow181
Member
What do you do when you see your ex staggering around your front yard?
Shoot em again!
Shoot em again!
MindenMan
Well-Known Member
What is a lesbians favorite bread?
Dill dough.
Dill dough.
JINKS
Fermentator Extrordinaire
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A guy finishes drinking at a bar, tips backwards falls off his stool and heads home. He drags himself out the door of the bar and crawls down the block to his house. He hears the phone begin to ring in his house as he slithers up the stairs. His wife answers the phone and meets him at the front door. "Bob", she says, "Frank at the bar called, you forgot your wheelchair again."
Jacob_Marley
Well-Known Member
Yankel Goldstein is in his 80s but still gainfully employed as a ribbon salesman.
For years he has been trying to make a ribbon sale to Macy's New York.
Finally, the somewhat anti-semetic buyer at Macy's agrees to a sale ...
"Goldstein", he says, "I'm finally going to give you some business"
"Fantastic" says Goldstein "what can I get you?"
"Goldstein, I want a length of ribbon that stretches from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis."
"... a length of ribbon that stretches from the tip of my nose to the tip of my penis??" Goldstein repeats.
"That's what I said" says the buyer with a smug expression.
A few days later, 4 full truck loads of ribbon arrive at the Macy's loading dock.
The Macy's buyer goes ballistic and picks up the telephone:
"GOLDSTEIN!! "I told you I wanted a length of ribbon that stretched from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and FOUR semi trucks full of ribbon just pulled up to my docks ... What the hell is going on?"
Goldstein calmly answers, "the tip of my penis is in Poland"
<sigh ... it's a circumcision joke>
For years he has been trying to make a ribbon sale to Macy's New York.
Finally, the somewhat anti-semetic buyer at Macy's agrees to a sale ...
"Goldstein", he says, "I'm finally going to give you some business"
"Fantastic" says Goldstein "what can I get you?"
"Goldstein, I want a length of ribbon that stretches from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis."
"... a length of ribbon that stretches from the tip of my nose to the tip of my penis??" Goldstein repeats.
"That's what I said" says the buyer with a smug expression.
A few days later, 4 full truck loads of ribbon arrive at the Macy's loading dock.
The Macy's buyer goes ballistic and picks up the telephone:
"GOLDSTEIN!! "I told you I wanted a length of ribbon that stretched from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and FOUR semi trucks full of ribbon just pulled up to my docks ... What the hell is going on?"
Goldstein calmly answers, "the tip of my penis is in Poland"
<sigh ... it's a circumcision joke>
ChrisVZ
Well-Known Member
A baby seal walks into a club...
vanishingpint
well- known member
Hear about the drunken farmer? Got on his tractor backwards and unplowed 50 acres before they got him stopped.
Natdavis777
Well-Known Member
You know who likes to get fisted?!?!
Sock puppets... Get out of the gutter perverts
Sock puppets... Get out of the gutter perverts
WI_Wino
Well-Known Member
The dairy industry is lobbying the state government to outlaw round bales of hay. The cows aren't getting square meals. <rimshot>
Wow.
Clearly, the depth of "reasonable" knows no bounds...
Cheers!
Clearly, the depth of "reasonable" knows no bounds...
Cheers!
CreamyGoodness
Well-Known Member
On the heels of the Johnsons St. Peter is again met with a no-brainer. Mr. Peterson, a vile old miser who actively enjoyed the pain and suffering of others, had his plug pulled by his son after complications with a mild case of pink eye. After all, he wouldnt want his father to suffer.
St. Peter sees Mr. Peterson coming and smiles. "Ah, Mr. Peterson. We've been waiting for you. Please follow the gentleman in the black robe down the escalator..."
"BULL****!" Mr. Peterson bellows. "I have a loophole! I gave a nickel to charity in '56!"
St. Peter is stunned by the man's audacity... but he has to admit there is some merit to the argument.
"Wait right here... I'm going to consult the boss."
Queue Jesus, who floats over to St. Peter and strokes his beard. "My child, what seems to be the issue?" "Sorry to bother you boss... Mr. Peterson here... whisper whisper... $0.05 in '54... whisper... said 'bull****' at the Pearly Gates... whisper whisper... pinkeye, I know right??... whisper"....
Christ listens intently, interjecting when necessary, all the while stroking his beard. Eventually he speaks. "Peter, tell you what. Give him his nickel back. Tell him to go to hell".
St. Peter sees Mr. Peterson coming and smiles. "Ah, Mr. Peterson. We've been waiting for you. Please follow the gentleman in the black robe down the escalator..."
"BULL****!" Mr. Peterson bellows. "I have a loophole! I gave a nickel to charity in '56!"
St. Peter is stunned by the man's audacity... but he has to admit there is some merit to the argument.
"Wait right here... I'm going to consult the boss."
Queue Jesus, who floats over to St. Peter and strokes his beard. "My child, what seems to be the issue?" "Sorry to bother you boss... Mr. Peterson here... whisper whisper... $0.05 in '54... whisper... said 'bull****' at the Pearly Gates... whisper whisper... pinkeye, I know right??... whisper"....
Christ listens intently, interjecting when necessary, all the while stroking his beard. Eventually he speaks. "Peter, tell you what. Give him his nickel back. Tell him to go to hell".
I live in Milwaukee, WI and I cannot believe I never heard this joke until just now:
Irish Car Bomb:
Fill one shot glass with1/2 Jameson's, 1/2 Baileys. Drop into half pint of Guinness.
Polish Car Bomb:
Drop one 22 oz. can of Budweiser into a shot glass of vodka.
Irish Car Bomb:
Fill one shot glass with1/2 Jameson's, 1/2 Baileys. Drop into half pint of Guinness.
Polish Car Bomb:
Drop one 22 oz. can of Budweiser into a shot glass of vodka.
Wow, I've never had an Irish Car Bomb and never knew what was in one, but that sounds tasty! no joke.
