New Joke thread. Let's keep it reasonable

[Hemidoc]

Man is on an airplane. On take off he looks over and sees a woman breast feeding her baby. Doesn't think much of it.
On landing he looks over and sees her doing the same thing.
So he has to ask: Why are you breast feeding your baby on takeoff and landing?
Lady says: So his ears don't pop
Man says: All these years I've been chewing gum.

 

[brewerJase]

What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?



Wipes his ass.




Sent from my iPhone using Home Brew

 

[VApatriot]

Why is marriage like playing cards?

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.


Towards the end all you want is a club and a spade...

 

[Goofynewfie]

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?

You gonna eat that?

 

[hunter_le five]

I found most of these pretty amusing:

 

[CreamyGoodness]

Did I ever tell you the one about the pregnant goat who hurt someone's feelings?

She said "Im sorry, I'm just kidding"

 

[MindenMan]

Okay, your sad jokes have called me out... A newlywed couple that had not had sex before marriage, are in the Honeymoon Suite getting undressed. The man is taking off his shoes and socks, and his wife notices his toes are oddly shaped and asked what happened, and he replied, "When I was young, I had tolio." She thought little about it and when he took took off his pants, she noticed a deformity in his knees, and when she inquired, he said "When I was young, I had the kneezels." When he removed his boxers, she said, "Let me guess, you had smallcox too?" Bam!

 

[MindenMan]

A boy comes home from school, and asks his Dad, "Dad what's a *****?, Dad gets out a Mens magazine, draws a circle, and says, "Son, inside the circle, that's a *****." The boy then asks, "Okay Dad, well then what's a (unt?" "Son, he replies, that's everything outside the circle." I hope SWMBO doesn't see this.

 

[MindenMan]

Two little old ladies were driving behind Lorena Bobbit, when she threw her husbands' penis out the window. It hit the windshield, and one of the ladies' said, "Ethel, did you see the d!ck on that bug?"

 

[Snowden]

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here". Mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!".


Sent from my iPod touch using Home Brew

 

[JINKS]

I hear there is a new anti-depressant specifically designed for lesbians.
Its called tricoxagain

 

[unionrdr]

Reminds me of a lady friend I worked with for years & this tee shirt she wore to work once in a while. It had the Trix rabbit on it & said. " Stupid f****t! D***s are for chicks"!

 

[Auger]

So a priest, a doctor and an engineer are playing golf. They are stuck behind a particularly slow foursome for several holes and are getting impatient. Finally the groundskeeper comes by and the three flag him down to ask him what the holdup is. The groundskeeper replies that the foursome is a group of blind firefighters that lost their vision saving the golf club's clubhouse from a fire. They get to play for free whenever they want to. They all fall silent for a second. The priest says, "What a great bunch of men. I'm going to say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor says "Wow, I'm going to call my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer says, "soooo....why can't they play at night?"

 

[Melana]

WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!
>
> What an interesting turn of events in Mt. Vernon , Texas ...Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
> Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
> After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
> But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
> In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
> The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullsh!t."

 

[JonM]

Why does the mermaid wear seashells?

Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big.

 

[hunter_le five]

 

[brew_ny]

What kind of meat do Priests eat on Friday ?

Nun

 

[Inkleg]

Two men walk into a bar.
Which is kinda dumb if you think about it.
After the first one walked into it, you think the second one would have seen it and walked around.

 

[JonM]

In Irishman, a Mexican, two priests and a Rabbi walk into a bar. Bartender looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"

 

[aeviaanah]

Q: How is Coors like having sex in a boat?

A: They're both fu*king close to water.

 

[Hemidoc]

Your Mamma's so hairy, when you were born ya had rug burns.

 

[JonM]

Your mama so fat, she fell in love and broke it.

 

[Calichusetts]

What do you call an Amish man with his hand up a horse's a$$?

A mechanic

 

[brettwasbtd]

A southern preacher gets in front of the congregation and states "before I start the service today, I want to refute the hearsay going around claiming I am part of the Ku Klux Klan. I ask the originator of these rumors to please stop." A young attractive woman is now visibly sobbing and the preacher addresses her "what's wrong dear?" The lady responds " I was only telling the other women that you are a wizard under the sheets! "

 

[Hemidoc]

Your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is barking at the front door.
Who do ya let in????



The dog cause he'll stop barking when ya let him in.

 

[Hemidoc]

Older couple driving though GA stop for gas.
Gas station guy asks the man "so where ya from"
Guy sez "Wisconsin"
Gas station guy sez "I used to date a gal from Wisconsin. Damn she was a pain in the a$$ and ugly"
Wife hollers from the car " What did he say?"
Man sez "He sez He thinks he knows you"

 

[LabRatBrewer]

My favorite:

 

[Winepharm]

Guy who works at a brewery falls into a vat of beer and drowns. Upon being told of his demise his wife cried "My poor baby, I hope he didn't suffer". His buddy and work partner said "Oh he didn't, he climbed out and went to the bathroom three times before he drowned."

 

[hunter_le five]

 

[sloanfamilydsm]

What do you call the moisture that forms between an Arkansas couple during sex?





Relative Humidity

 

[JINKS]

How do you know you are getting old?

You hear your favorite song in and elevator.

 

[sloanfamilydsm]

What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt

 

[Hemidoc]

Damn you tube
Reporter walks into a bar.
http://youtu.be/FFUuvGZ8OiA

 

[gratus fermentatio]

So there is this taxi driver in New York City, and it is nearing the end of his shift but he decides that he will pick up one more person before he turns in for the night. So he stops and pulls over and a nun gets in the car. She tells him where to go and they start off. It is a long drive and the driver keeps looking at the nun through the rear view mirror of his cab. Now, the nun is getting very upset by this and says

"Um...can I help you??!!"
The taxi driver looks very embarrassed and says
"No im sorry... its very embarassing I cannot say."
And the nun looks at him and says
"Now, my son, I have been in this business far too long to be disturbed by anything you have to say...so go ahead."
The driver thinks for a minute and says
"Ok, well for as long as I can remember, I have had the biggest fantasy about kissing a nun...."
She looks amused at first then replies,

"Well, I think I can help you with that! but first you must promise me two things, the first is that you are a Catholic, the second is that you are single. If you can promise this, I shall giive you what you ask for."
And the driver says
"Great!! sure im a single Catholic!!"

So they pull into an alley and the nun crawls into the front seat of the cab and gives the driver an amazing kiss. Porn stars would be envious of this kiss.
And they finish up and get back on the road. Soon the taxi driver starts looking nervous and peering at the nun in the rear view mirror again. Just staring at her, and when the nun asks him why he is staring and he says

"Well im afraid I havent been completly honest with you... you see, im not a catholic.. and im also married...."
The nun smiles and says
"well i havent been honest with you either.... my name is Kevin, and im going to a halloween party."

 

[Melana]

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wozTHxykDwQ[/ame]

 

[CreamyGoodness]

Wiseacre goes to a club to pick up girls. Bouncer looks at him and says "Cant let you in, you arent wearing a tie." Guy thinks about it for a minute, goes back out to his car and gets the jumper cables. He ties them around his neck in a knot like a necktie and comes back.

Bouncer looks and shrugs. "Ok man, youre in. Just dont start anything"

 

[sandyeggoxj]

What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt

What did the 8 say to the 0?
Nice beer belly!

 

[jamsomito]

You know those German sausage jokes?

... those are the wurst.

 

[LabRatBrewer]

I told my psychologist that sometimes I feel like a Teepee and sometimes I feel like a Wigwam.

He said I need to relax I'm two tents.

 

[harleybug88]

What did the buffalo say to his Son, when he dropped him off at school?

Bison!