Need advice on my wife.

[broadbill]

I just ditched the bitch myself. Fortunately we were only engaged and not married. I still took a major financial hit ($10's of thousands), but she was on everything i did with the "you do (insert any damn thing i do) too much". turns out she dates other men too much...(i know most of you whipped dudes are going to say thats my fault) A lot of guys on here are very smart and responsible, but I am a little old school in my approach, so i totally see where you're coming from. women today want everything except equality. they gotta have 51% of the shares on everything. you gotta open the door for them, pay the tab and clean the house when you get home. Little by little men have given up what it meant to be the man in a relationship and now we have this new age woman who wants a man to kiss their ass while they tell us how to enjoy the things we've always done. The whole 'swmbo' thing here is funny, but it also shows where most of these guys are coming from. kissing their wifes ass so they can spend $30 of their own money on a farking carboy? are you serious?! my grandfather would be spinning in his grave if he saw the whole "swmbo" movement. I guess things are always changing. Sorry for the seriousness in my post, I suppose I interjected too much of my personal life in this one. :cross:

"Give them an inch they take a yard. Give them a yard they take a mile.
Once a man and twice a child, but everything is just for a while."
-Bob Marley

So in your mind, what does it means to be a man in a relationship?

Its interesting that you are pissed she wanted 51% when that is exactly what it sounds like you wanted ('cause that's how it was done in my gran' pappy's day!). Some would call that ironic. Some could make an argument that this might be a reason as to why you two are no longer together, why she decided to cheat, etc.

Of course, this is all coming from a ***** whipped husband, so what do I know?

 

[GarageDweller]

not pissed. just stating obvious facts here. jukas is probably right though. i'm sure my last go at it was with the wrong type of woman. here's a minor example in short words. buys me a homebrewing kit, two weeks later, says i spend too much time brewing (that was years ago but still). i understand making sacrifices to keep things positive and that is a large part of what relationships consists of. however, where do you draw the line? is it always "i love her so i will do whatever it takes to appease her" or are there times when its ok to say "NO! I have sacrificed enough in the last (insert time frame) and i refuse to budge on this issue".
it seems like men, in general, have stopped saying NO to women's ever-changing wishes and have begun giving up all the actual things that made men great in the first place. you think George Washington's wife told him he couldn't home brew? maybe once..but not twice. what made men great in the past?! don't you think this country has seen better times in recent years? gender roles are not always right (in a moral and a literal sense), but damn if the paradigm hasn't shifted to some unbeknownst far off place.
its not so much what it means to be a man in the relationship, but what it means to be a person who's opinions are valued. not just looked at like some crazy arseface who needs to change because "swmbo" says to obey. the person who is demanding change from another should at least have a clear point of reference as to why they need to change and what it means to them. its called over-control. if i don't rule my own mind, who does?!

damn i'm ranting, sorry folks. again, i'm being a little too personal and a little insulting, just rolling with the conversation. sorry for the offense.

 

[Cider123]

I think it's kinda scary that you're looking for marriage advice on a beer forum.

 

[Jukas]

Though likely to yield more positive results than asking beer advice from a marriage therapist no?

 

[CreamyGoodness]

George Washington was head over heals in love with a woman who was not his wife and most likely fathered a child with a 16 year old slave who had been handpicked to provide him the comfort of her nether regions. Just sayin.

 

[TyTanium]

"i love her so i will do whatever it takes to appease her" or are there times when its ok to say "NO! I have sacrificed enough in the last (insert time frame) and i refuse to budge on this issue".

it seems like men, in general, have stopped saying NO to women's ever-changing wishes and have begun giving up all the actual things that made men great in the first place.

its not so much what it means to be a man in the relationship, but what it means to be a person who's opinions are valued.

I hear what you're saying. A lot of guys are passive and do just enough to merit their wife's permission to go golfing or something. It's totally backwards.

Instead men need to grow a pair, step up, and lead their families. When I'm willing to sacrifice everything for my wife, it usually means I don't have to...i.e., I still brew, a lot.

 

[PistolsAtDawn]

not pissed. just stating obvious facts here.

[snip]

damn i'm ranting, sorry folks. again, i'm being a little too personal and a little insulting, just rolling with the conversation. sorry for the offense.

Because in the words of Tyler Durden: We're a generation of men raised by women.

Actually the reasons are deep and complex. Pendulums swing back and forth. Overbearing, abusive men gives way to spineless, kept men and then all that area in between. This happens with basically everything humanity touches.

I disagree with you that men don't know how to be men. I would say many people just don't know how to be excellent to each other. They forgot the teachings of Bill and Ted.

 

[PastorofMuppets]

permission from your wife. LOL

We dont tell each other NO nor do we give permission. that would be insulting. we are adults. We are married, not parent with child.

We discuss things and sometimes we choose not to do something we might want. Its out of respect for each other.

Is clear some people on this thread shouldnt be married. A marriage can either be the most valuable arrangement of your life or the most life sucking terror. Of all the people who bitch about how unfair things were, I ask how much blame did they accept and how much little man syndrome did they get over.

 

[Accidic]

If she doesn't like it, you're not going to talk her into liking it. All your debate points are wasted here.

If you want to keep the peace, and stay together, consider a compromise. That's how relationships work. Maybe you stop drinking during the week or something. Or promise to limit it. Even a little comprimise is better than none.

Or, stand your ground, be a big guy, and watch your marriage crumble like the other 50%. Marriage vs. Beer: you decide.

I don't agree here at all. My experiences are the exact opposite. There are things you should certainly compromise on perhaps but she came into the situation knowing the things you enjoy. That said, you're not really suggesting he compromise the way I read that but rather concede. I can give you more than a few examples of people who conceded to appease and their marriages ended quickly as a result. As was stated in Ferris Bueller's Day Off decades ago, "You can't respect someone who kisses your ass all the time." I would, however, caution you against pointing out you may have done that partially because she was blowing chunks in the other room. While it might very well be true, you have no ground to gain there. And unless you're pounding back 6+ beers a day I can't imagine you have much in the way of health risks (especially considering the woman on the radio who just celebrated her 102nd birthday attributing it to whiskey every day).

That said, does your wife not drink? It certainly doesn't appear you get fall down drunk all the time so perhaps approaching it with an Apfelwein she can enjoy or a Blonde Ale might be a good way to include her rather than your typical brew?

That said, I quit drinking while my wife was pregnant. I figured it was unfair to her for me to drink without her able to. Otherwise, my wife over the years has become fair game to trying this brew or that one (yes, I do occasionally get drug into Bathtub Sangria nights such as tonight but sometimes you gotta jump on that grenade).

 

[AMonkey]

It sounds like your wife probably wants to spend more time with you. If she is only saying she doesn't like it when you drink you need to examine what you do when you drink. Do you always go sit by yourself and watch a movie when you drink? My wife does not get upset when I drink, but I have one or two and we are generally spending time together. If I went off by myself and came up with an empty six pack every time I drink I know there would be problems quick.

 

[Jukas]

I don't agree here at all. My experiences are the exact opposite. There are things you should certainly compromise on perhaps but she came into the situation knowing the things you enjoy. That said, you're not really suggesting he compromise the way I read that but rather concede. I can give you more than a few examples of people who conceded to appease and their marriages ended quickly as a result. As was stated in Ferris Bueller's Day Off decades ago, "You can't respect someone who kisses your ass all the time." I would, however, caution you against pointing out you may have done that partially because she was blowing chunks in the other room. While it might very well be true, you have no ground to gain there. And unless you're pounding back 6+ beers a day I can't imagine you have much in the way of health risks (especially considering the woman on the radio who just celebrated her 102nd birthday attributing it to whiskey every day).

Passedpawn was suggesting a compromise, it wasn't a concession from what I saw. Just because she came into the marriage knowing he brewed and liked to have some drinks doesn't mean the situation can't have changed does it?

Here's a real world example for you. My wife and I have been together for almost 12 years. She knew I played computer and video games when we got together. About three years into the relationship I was playing WoW and doing so rather compulsively. I would raid or pvp 3-6hrs a night 5+ nights a week. She brought forth her concerns and I had to admit they were valid. I didn't immediately stop playing WoW, but did limit the amount that I played in a solid 3-6hr block to 1-2 nights a week. Eventually I lost interest in WoW and quit like she knew I would, but in the meantime we reached a compromise that worked for both of us.

 

[GarageDweller]

permission from your wife. LOL..........

Is clear some people on this thread shouldnt be married. A marriage can either be the most valuable arrangement of your life or the most life sucking terror. Of all the people who bitch about how unfair things were, I ask how much blame did they accept and how much little man syndrome did they get over.

is that directed at me? could you be a little more specific? or perhaps you think men should behave as muppets? oh, i get it. you're married, you have it all figured out from your moral high ground. people that aren't married aren't as capable of being dictated by someone else. small man syndrome, riiiight....

you going to vote for hillary clinton in 2016? :fro:

 

[Bedlam]

Garage Dweller,

I want to speak to you as a calm voice in your time of pain. It sounds like you were wronged and you are generalizing your pain to the world at large and my gender in general. I do not now, nor ever would I advocate cheating or lying to a significant other. If she led you to believe that she agreed to monogamy, then betrayed you, then you have every right to be angry at her. Every right. AT HER.

I am a strong woman. I work as a professional and pull my weight in every respect. I brook no nonsense in any regard. My husband and I have a healthy respect for each other. We ask each other's advice at times. We pursue our own interests. We ask each other for help at times. We take on problems as equals...be it family drama, financial issues, household issues, etc. I offer solutions. He offers solutions. We work it out. I adore him and he adores me.


I sacrifice my desires for his well-being. He sacrifices his for mine. There is a joy that comes from that...not as dominance or control, but as knowing that you CAN. That sacrifice comes with the joy of knowing that you are a good enough person, that you love someone so much that there is no sense of loss with such a compromise...only the confirmation that you did what was best for the dyad that you make together. . . that other "being" that is the TWO of you. There is freedom in that. It is hard to explain, but there is a lightening of the load knowing that.

 

[PastorofMuppets]

is that directed at me? could you be a little more specific? or perhaps you think men should behave as muppets? oh, i get it. you're married, you have it all figured out from your moral high ground. people that aren't married aren't as capable of being dictated by someone else. small man syndrome, riiiight....

you going to vote for hillary clinton in 2016? :fro:

sorry to hit close to home for you and anyone.
I am happily married and its not high ground nor being a muppet.
Didnt mean to offend anyone. All i meant is priorities have to be in check in marriage.
To imply im on a moral high ground because I am successfully married and loving it is ridiculous.
Keeping one together is different for everyone and also not possible for everyone despite best efforts, however for me its the most important mission of my life.

 

[mikescooling]

O come on man, drinking is an easy target to get yelled at about. Some times people just need to bitch someone else out. She could have had a bad day at work or you could have said she looks fat in those shorts or you may have missed an anniversary and her feeling are hurt, so you got yelled at for drinking. Don't let her bate you into getting in a fight. If you drink as little as you say, you need to have me over to put things into perspective. On a good night I won't pee on the table.

 

[Antler]

O come on man, drinking is an easy target to get yelled at about. Some times people just need to bitch someone else out. She could have had a bad day at work or you could have said she looks fat in those shorts or you may have missed an anniversary and her feeling are hurt, so you got yelled at for drinking. Don't let her bate you into getting in a fight. If you drink as little as you say, you need to have me over to put things into perspective. On a good night I won't pee on the table.

Hahaha, THIS MAN FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!

 

[DoubleAught]

He hasn't replied in quite a few hours....anyone else think she might have just kilt him


(I know I misspelled killed to any grammar nazi about to chime in)

 

[HeavyKettleBrewing]

Women speak in code. You are not supposed to understand them. You have a very little time to decipher the code. Prison gangs use secret code to order hits. Watch your back and get a book on cryptology. OR, you could just talk it over with her rather than listen to us lunatics.

 

[HeavyKettleBrewing]

He hasn't replied in quite a few hours....anyone else think she might have just kilt him


(I know I misspelled killed to any grammar nazi about to chime in)

Or maybe he kilned her. Watch that next brew from floppyguy, it's a b!%#! Wait, did I just say that! Damn, there goes my chance at hosting the Oscars.

 

[dfc]

Please, read these words of yours aloud.



Was it harder to hear those things aloud than I was to type them?

You seem like a great guy. Please don't take me the wrong way, but it needs to be said. Every one of those is a sign pointing towards alcohol dependence.

For what its worth, I think you made an awesome choice marrying this woman. It sounds like she thinks the world of you, whether you think she shows it or not. It takes a huge amount of courage to stand up and say what she said, and I don't think she meant to hurt you.

I hope you can find the patience and resolve to sit down and calmly talk this out with her.

What's wrong with having a gun room?

 

[thadius856]

Nothing's wrong with a gun room itself, unless you have a gun room and not a brewing room.

Sitting in a gun room alone, listening to music and watching war movies, while drinking heavily to control your emotions is not the same as having a gun room.

 

[HeavyKettleBrewing]

^ Draws scene from Full Metal Jacket

 

[Accidic]

Passedpawn was suggesting a compromise, it wasn't a concession from what I saw. Just because she came into the marriage knowing he brewed and liked to have some drinks doesn't mean the situation can't have changed does it?

Here's a real world example for you. My wife and I have been together for almost 12 years. She knew I played computer and video games when we got together. About three years into the relationship I was playing WoW and doing so rather compulsively. I would raid or pvp 3-6hrs a night 5+ nights a week. She brought forth her concerns and I had to admit they were valid. I didn't immediately stop playing WoW, but did limit the amount that I played in a solid 3-6hr block to 1-2 nights a week. Eventually I lost interest in WoW and quit like she knew I would, but in the meantime we reached a compromise that worked for both of us.

A compromise is when both parties give up a little coming to a mutually agreed upon midpoint. This is why it's a compromise.

A concession is where one party gives in to the demand or request of another party while receiving nothing in return for said action. In a sense this is a form of compromise but only in so much as one party getting the short end (read: screwed) of the stick.

She wants him to give up something he takes an interest in (in some degree at minimum) and in return (at least per the stated info) he is being offered no change. In your example you conceded your playtime and found the alternative preferable (at least solely by your description) and escalated the level you took it to. Per your description your wife didn't appear to give up anything in return making this very one sided (if not manipulative by your own statements) compromise or more appropriately a concession. Expanding on your example, I chose a different path... I got my wife involved in playing WoW to which she now enjoys and I worked limited my raiding time (before later semi-retiring) to times my wife had other plans or engagements. That would be a compromise rather than a concession. My wife began playing in some capacity and I minimized the time I played when I could otherwise be with her. Sometimes we even play together but that's a different point. :rockin:

I have never personally bought into the roll over and give in to the "demands" of my wife as if she was a terrorist/control-freak of sorts. There are things I concede because I agree with her (you'll note, the original poster did not agree with her) or because it isn't important enough to continue and I know it'll make her happy... However, if it's something that I enjoy I'm not conceding anything although I would certainly consider an equitable compromise. Yes, there are marriages that end because husbands do not roll over and die at the mere instruction of their wives... There are also many marriages that end because of lack of respect because their husbands just give in to their every whim. Single men cry about it on a regular basis on how "Nice guys finish last." My assertion is that if you're giving in to your wife's every demand then it's not a partnership... But a master/slave relationship. If you're ok with being a slave that's certainly ok as well but I refuse to do so. I've done so before and for me personally I find it foolish and stupid and it's truly my only regret in life.

 

[TrainSafe]

So Floppy,

We are all curious to know how your chat went last night. Were you successful in gaining a better understanding of her perspective?

 

[ClemsonDV]

Well giving my 2 cents with about 3 years of marriage under my belt and about 27 years of observational skills.

Floppy, i don't know your background or situation. You say you are a big dude, so I assume overweight. Kicking back a 6 pack of Miller Lites would probably hit me fairly well if i was just sitting around watching TV. 6 %5 bottle would definitely. I too enjoy beer and brewing. My wife has cooking, I have brewing. I probably drink 2-3 per night but only if I am at home and not doing too much outside or anything like that. My wife/ parents have voiced concerns to me as well because I do drink just about everyday. Not a lot, not even enough to get drunk. 1 before dinner, 1 during, 1 after maybe. The last time I was drunk was probably a Christmas party last year. Me drinking enough to not be able to drive is a RARE occassion.

Now given my backstory and analyzing yours...Do you love you wife? Does making her happy give you joy? Would you do anything for her that she wanted if she pleaded with you? If all answers are yes, then thats great. I think then you can have an honest discussion with her about drinking and why it upsets her. You need to find why it bothers her and if she is concerned about you.
Now assuming you are overweight (no judgement), maybe beer shouldn't be your answer for relieving stress. Maybe a walk with her, maybe working out. You mentioned being injurred, is there anything physical you can do for exercises to help relieve that stress? How healthy are you and how are you eating. There really needs to be another outlet for stress relief besides beer. It's great, and I love it. But i also like walking my dog, jogging, and going out to places and having conversations with my wife. Bottling crap inside is like fermenting beer (nice HB example). If you have too much wort in too little space, fermentation explodes out and you get all the nastiness to clean up. Pretty much the same thing with bottling frustrations up....its a mess.
Your best bet is to examine your life outside in, and then have an open and honest talk. 3 years of marriage and she is my best friend who I can be totally honest with. Sure fights happen, but when it's out there over a longer period of time and not exploding all out at once. Good things happen.

Hope it all goes well. Just think about what you can't live without.

 

[paulster2626]

So did you get a divorce yet?

Never let a woman tell you what to do. Rule #1.

 

[ClemsonDV]

Geez, i just read the first couple pages of this thread then wrote my note and then checked the last couple. Wow. Asking for marriage advice on a beer forum, is probably not the way to go judging from some of these responses.
Some folks think men need to sack up and show the woman who's boss. I like the quip about George Washington...maybe once, but not twice. If that's your thinking, then please don't get married. You can't handle the responsibility. Men are supposed to lead their families, but not with an iron fist and fear. Floppy, if you side with those guys, then I would say get to therapy ASAP. Please don't glean any advice from folks like this on how you should handle your woman. Get professional help or leave her before thinking like this.

My wife askes me to stop something, i find out why, we talk, and find a solution. I ask her to stop something, she askes why, we talk, and find a solution. COMPROMISE.

 

[Echoloc8]

Lots of conclusion drawing, advice giving and tea-leaf reading from relatively little information from the OP. Lots of cherry-picking and sanctimony, too.

Every marriage is unique. Nobody here knows the situation better than Floppy and his wife.

-Rich

 

[paulster2626]

Geez, i just read the first couple pages of this thread then wrote my note and then checked the last couple. Wow. Asking for marriage advice on a beer forum, is probably not the way to go judging from some of these responses.
Some folks think men need to sack up and show the woman who's boss. I like the quip about George Washington...maybe once, but not twice. If that's your thinking, then please don't get married. You can't handle the responsibility. Men are supposed to lead their families, but not with an iron fist and fear. Floppy, if you side with those guys, then I would say get to therapy ASAP. Please don't glean any advice from folks like this on how you should handle your woman. Get professional help or leave her before thinking like this.

My wife askes me to stop something, i find out why, we talk, and find a solution. I ask her to stop something, she askes why, we talk, and find a solution. COMPROMISE.

Or, don't tell me what to do, don't change the channel on the TV, get me a fresh beer when I want one, and you get to stay married to me. COMPROMISE.

Y'all sound like a bunch of eunuchs. Grow a pair FFS.



...now if you'll excuse me I need to finish washing my wife's car.

 

[nickw85]

I think drinking isn't the issue. I think she feels drinking comes first so she feels 2nd rate. Spend some more quality time with her and see what happens. You might not need to stand your ground. You might just need to reallocate some of your time. Where do you live? maybe she has the winter blues.