Need advice, figured here would be pretty anonymous
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WheeledGoat
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I was dating a girl in my 1st year of college. We broke up. A month or so later I get the call. Preggo. She had no doubt it was me and I believed her. We decided it wasn't the right time and aborted. I took her to the clinic myself, paid for it, and stayed with her for a day or so afterwards - it's pretty rough on a woman, physically and emotionally. I never saw her after that.
Now, 14 years later, I'm happily married with a 3yo & 5yo. Rarely a day has gone by in the past 14 years that I didn't think about it and regret it. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for killing my own child.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not some sap, and I don't cry tears about it... and it's not that I regret my current wife or kids; quite the opposite, I couldn't love them any more than I already do... but the decision never leaves you.
Having kids is most certainly a life changing experience, but I promise you - it's a change for the better. You'll find joy and happiness you didn't even realize was possible. Even if you don't think you're ready for it, or you think you can't afford it.
I'm pro choice. I think people should be able to make up their own minds. I figure the earth is populated enough, and it's time to choose quality over quantity - for the health of the planet and the human race. There's enough kids running around out there with only one parent. Plenty of them are so lost with the absence of good parenting that they're dealing drugs and shooting each other. The happiest kids are those born to 2 parents who love each other.
I'm pro-choice, but personally I wish I had made a different choice. I can't take it back.
Definitely don't tell the current GF until you know what's up!
Don't be guilted into keeping the kid with "man up" quips. Make the right decision for you.... for the both of you.... but be sure. It's a serious decision either way. Abortion isn't the "get out of jail free" card some people seem to think it is.
Now, 14 years later, I'm happily married with a 3yo & 5yo. Rarely a day has gone by in the past 14 years that I didn't think about it and regret it. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for killing my own child.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not some sap, and I don't cry tears about it... and it's not that I regret my current wife or kids; quite the opposite, I couldn't love them any more than I already do... but the decision never leaves you.
Having kids is most certainly a life changing experience, but I promise you - it's a change for the better. You'll find joy and happiness you didn't even realize was possible. Even if you don't think you're ready for it, or you think you can't afford it.
I'm pro choice. I think people should be able to make up their own minds. I figure the earth is populated enough, and it's time to choose quality over quantity - for the health of the planet and the human race. There's enough kids running around out there with only one parent. Plenty of them are so lost with the absence of good parenting that they're dealing drugs and shooting each other. The happiest kids are those born to 2 parents who love each other.
I'm pro-choice, but personally I wish I had made a different choice. I can't take it back.
Definitely don't tell the current GF until you know what's up!
Don't be guilted into keeping the kid with "man up" quips. Make the right decision for you.... for the both of you.... but be sure. It's a serious decision either way. Abortion isn't the "get out of jail free" card some people seem to think it is.
marley
Well-Known Member
If this is the worst thing you have ever had to go through then consider yourself one lucky dude.
This is not that big of a deal,the problem is you are just a kid.
This is not that big of a deal,the problem is you are just a kid.
"Man up" doesn't mean keep the kid, necessarily. Man up means deal with the consequences, whatever they may be. If it's supporting this girl if she chooses to abort, be there if she needs you, pay at least half the cost. If she decides on adoption, do what you can to help her. If she won't do either, well, this little bugger really ought to have a dad. Not fair to him/her for you to ignore your responsibilities; child support is more than just writing a check.
Shoulder your responsibilities, whatever they may be.
Shoulder your responsibilities, whatever they may be.
marley
Well-Known Member
You pay ALL the costs. period. If that is HER choice.
You say you don't have a mullet, well going halfers on a abortion would make you a prime suspect.
However, if SHE decides to have it, then it's no longer about you.
Didn't mean to be an ass, about the kid comment. I am only a year older, and remember exactly what you are thinking right now. I promise you, if you guys decide to have it, there will be nothing COOLER in your life...
Kids are great. You get to teach em how to do things. That is HUGE.
At least that's how it was for me...
You say you don't have a mullet, well going halfers on a abortion would make you a prime suspect.
However, if SHE decides to have it, then it's no longer about you.
Didn't mean to be an ass, about the kid comment. I am only a year older, and remember exactly what you are thinking right now. I promise you, if you guys decide to have it, there will be nothing COOLER in your life...
Kids are great. You get to teach em how to do things. That is HUGE.
At least that's how it was for me...
njnear76
Well-Known Member
The WheeledGoat speaks the truth. Abortion is not the get out of jail free card.
You will feel emotionally haunted if you go that route. I sometimes regret that the ex and I chose that, but I probably would have made the same decision. Logically I could not see how it could work.
It's a hard thing to defend, because it is a cop-out. There is nothing that you can say, which doesn't make it appear it was not a selfish and somewhat immature act. That's the honest to God truth.
But life is like that. It is not pretty. Sometimes you do have to look out for yourself and everyone's best interests.
None of us here have a right to make or condemn any decision you both make. It's your life. I guarantee you that whatever decision you make, it will have a major impact on your life.
Good luck. Don't worry you will be fine.
I'm not sure if you are the religious type or not, but I will say this: God will love you no matter what you both choose.
Hell, you already committed a slew of sins doing the nasty any ways and he still hasn't thrown a lightening bolt at you! Heh. Sorry about that. Born and raised Catholic. Guilt complex. Hell-fire, brimstone, etc... Trying to lighten the mood. Failing miserably. OK. I'm leaving... Told you I was immature.
You will feel emotionally haunted if you go that route. I sometimes regret that the ex and I chose that, but I probably would have made the same decision. Logically I could not see how it could work.
It's a hard thing to defend, because it is a cop-out. There is nothing that you can say, which doesn't make it appear it was not a selfish and somewhat immature act. That's the honest to God truth.
But life is like that. It is not pretty. Sometimes you do have to look out for yourself and everyone's best interests.
None of us here have a right to make or condemn any decision you both make. It's your life. I guarantee you that whatever decision you make, it will have a major impact on your life.
Good luck. Don't worry you will be fine.
I'm not sure if you are the religious type or not, but I will say this: God will love you no matter what you both choose.
Hell, you already committed a slew of sins doing the nasty any ways and he still hasn't thrown a lightening bolt at you! Heh. Sorry about that. Born and raised Catholic. Guilt complex. Hell-fire, brimstone, etc... Trying to lighten the mood. Failing miserably. OK. I'm leaving... Told you I was immature.
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Recapping Some Key Points:
I am a father. I STRONGLY ask of you to consider adoption.
My wife and I tried to have a child for 8 long arduous years. We spent at least $60K on 12 or more failed AI's and three failed invitros. In fact we almost got divorced over the arguments and the stress involved. This also included the pain of a miscarriage at 18 weeks.
Eventually we considered adoption. Mainly foreign because there are so few babies available in the US. The agencies/foreign governments want to make money to sell you a baby $30-60k. Human trafficking IMO. My wife is a type 2 diabetic and takes a pill for panic attacks. Both are two strikes against foreign adoption. Nobody will give a baby to a diabetic.
There are tons, and I mean tons of people who would feel so lucky to have and raise your child if you chose not to take that responsibility. I know this for a fact because I am one of them. (If you don't believe me visit a fertility clinic in your area.)
I was fortunate that my wife got pregnant by accident. The Dr's told her to give it up that it would never work but they were so wrong.
Please strongly consider adoption if you choose not to keep the baby.
This is my McBrew Buddy! :rockin: Good Luck with your decision!
- Don't tell anybody until you know for sure. (+1 on this.)
- Talk to her and find out what she wants to do.
- Abort - Split 50/50 (Both of you boinked)
- Adopt - (Strongly Consider This)
- Be a father.
- Learn from this. (Think of abstaining or use a condom)
I am a father. I STRONGLY ask of you to consider adoption.
My wife and I tried to have a child for 8 long arduous years. We spent at least $60K on 12 or more failed AI's and three failed invitros. In fact we almost got divorced over the arguments and the stress involved. This also included the pain of a miscarriage at 18 weeks.
Eventually we considered adoption. Mainly foreign because there are so few babies available in the US. The agencies/foreign governments want to make money to sell you a baby $30-60k. Human trafficking IMO. My wife is a type 2 diabetic and takes a pill for panic attacks. Both are two strikes against foreign adoption. Nobody will give a baby to a diabetic.
There are tons, and I mean tons of people who would feel so lucky to have and raise your child if you chose not to take that responsibility. I know this for a fact because I am one of them. (If you don't believe me visit a fertility clinic in your area.)
I was fortunate that my wife got pregnant by accident. The Dr's told her to give it up that it would never work but they were so wrong.
Please strongly consider adoption if you choose not to keep the baby.
This is my McBrew Buddy! :rockin: Good Luck with your decision!
keelanfish
Well-Known Member
Sorry about the situation and really, things at this point have been set in motion and there is not a whole lot you can do about it. Sit back and hang on for the ride and try not to stick your foot in your mouth too many times.
I've got a son who is 14 months old now and it's the second best thing that has ever happened to me (marrying my wife was the first). My younger brother dealt with almost your exact situation and now has a 5 month old son and I'd bet he'd tell you that while not ideal, it's still amaizing and that he wouldn't give up his son for the world.
There is no safe way to test for paternity before birth, so there is no way you are going to be 100% sure you are the father at this point. Even if there was a way, ultimately the decision to abort is up to the mother, so the best you can do is advise, and this is a sticky subject and hard to not get into arguments.
All you can do at this point is make preparations to be a dad. It's an awesome responsibility, but rewarding. Just remember, the success of your life will probably not be based on the things you do right, but how you deal with the bumpy patches along the way. RDWHAHB & wear a condom next time.
Here's a recent pick of my boy playing under the butcher block to cheer you up!
I've got a son who is 14 months old now and it's the second best thing that has ever happened to me (marrying my wife was the first). My younger brother dealt with almost your exact situation and now has a 5 month old son and I'd bet he'd tell you that while not ideal, it's still amaizing and that he wouldn't give up his son for the world.
There is no safe way to test for paternity before birth, so there is no way you are going to be 100% sure you are the father at this point. Even if there was a way, ultimately the decision to abort is up to the mother, so the best you can do is advise, and this is a sticky subject and hard to not get into arguments.
All you can do at this point is make preparations to be a dad. It's an awesome responsibility, but rewarding. Just remember, the success of your life will probably not be based on the things you do right, but how you deal with the bumpy patches along the way. RDWHAHB & wear a condom next time.
Here's a recent pick of my boy playing under the butcher block to cheer you up!
TwoHeadsBrewing
Well-Known Member
Well, that's a tough situation. You need to support her in whatever she decides to do, whether that is abortion, adoption, or raising the child on her own. Now if it were me, I'd be skeptical about whether the child was mine or not...but I'm sure you've gone over that with her right? However, if that is your child you should take responsibility for it. And I'm not just talking the talk here.
10 years and 9 months ago I found out my GF at the time was pregnant. I was 20 years old, and working as a part time cook at a local restaurant. Not the ideal situation, and like you I could just barely afford to take care of myself. But that "surprise" forced me to make some decisions and really think about the man I wanted to be for the rest of my life. It really left me just one choice: move in togther and become the best father I could be. The other options I could see offered short term satisfaction, but long term regrets. I made the right choice; had the baby (my first son), got married almost a year later, and started working my ass off to support my family. It's amazing how many good things came from making that decision! I eventually went back to college, got a great job, bought a house and had two more beautiful kids. And looking back at the path I was leading before the "surprise", I never would have had the motivation to pursue those opportunities.
It's a tough spot, but don't make a convenient decision and regret it for the rest of your life. I can't tell you the joy our little "surprise" has brought to my life:
10 years and 9 months ago I found out my GF at the time was pregnant. I was 20 years old, and working as a part time cook at a local restaurant. Not the ideal situation, and like you I could just barely afford to take care of myself. But that "surprise" forced me to make some decisions and really think about the man I wanted to be for the rest of my life. It really left me just one choice: move in togther and become the best father I could be. The other options I could see offered short term satisfaction, but long term regrets. I made the right choice; had the baby (my first son), got married almost a year later, and started working my ass off to support my family. It's amazing how many good things came from making that decision! I eventually went back to college, got a great job, bought a house and had two more beautiful kids. And looking back at the path I was leading before the "surprise", I never would have had the motivation to pursue those opportunities.
It's a tough spot, but don't make a convenient decision and regret it for the rest of your life. I can't tell you the joy our little "surprise" has brought to my life:
marley
Well-Known Member
You can do stuff, like force your musical preference on them, and they can't do anything about it.
brrman
Well-Known Member
Why are you guys posting pictures of your frikkin kids??? You think this guy doesn't have enough stress right now without you cramming your own kids down his throat? wow...
keelanfish
Well-Known Member
Well, I debated whether or not to post the pic and in the end decided that for me the anxiety of deciding to have a baby and the worries that go along with pregnancy and parenting are balanced by the fantastic end result and potential of a child. I figured that the OP spilled his guts and asked for advice and that the best advice I can give him is to keep a realistic view of the end result. So many people get into this situation everyday and describe it as a mistake or some kind of life-ending fatal disease when in fact the end result can be something amazing.
njnear76
Well-Known Member
It can be amazing, but that's not always true. It depends on the person. Some people are just not good with kids or do not want them.
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You know he made a choice to boink with somebody he didn't know very well. That's his fault and he asked for anonymous advice.
Despite how bad the situation may seem, it not all that bad. He could have somebody in his life that can bring some joy. I posted the pic so that he knows this. I have pride for mine own son. I am 42 and didn't want to have kids any longer, but I'm glad it did.
Not mention somebody else will gladly take very good care of his kid if does not feel than he can be a be father right now.
If you don't have a kid you can post a picture of your dog or cat if that will make you feel better. (I won't bitch about it either.)
So, you were banging a chick that you knew was a party girl and didn't think to use any protection? And you were banging other chicks without any protection? And now it is possible that she is pregnant with your child? And now you need advice?
Sorry, man, but you had to have known better and ignored all the warnings and education and talks that people have undoubtedly already have given you; so now you figure it out.
Whatever you are told now, you will know better than us on that, too.
Sorry, man, but you had to have known better and ignored all the warnings and education and talks that people have undoubtedly already have given you; so now you figure it out.
Whatever you are told now, you will know better than us on that, too.
keelanfish
Well-Known Member
You are right, but he asked for advise in a homebrewing forum. Maybe there are professionals here that can give the best advice, but for average joes like myself, all I can do if offer my experience. If I offend anyone, especially the OP, I'm sincerely sorry. That's not my intent and if I did offend, just write it off as I'm an engineer and we're notoriously bad at social interaction.
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keelanfish. - You don't need to apologize. You did it as did a few others with same thought that I had in mind.
Its not meant as a guilt trip. Its out of pride.
Ok so without reading 48 posts, I have to say this... Who in there right mind has sex in this day without protection. Holy HE!! WTF were you thinking? Not only is it a death sentence but DAMN. There is some skank out there. Looks like you're gonna need to Step up!
njnear76
Well-Known Member
Engineers: They keep us out of the limelight for a reason.
Heh. I think people get too easily offended these days. I find that offensive.
I think it's tough to advise this guy, because we are all coming from different set of experiences. And yes... age, finances, maturity, relationships, etc... are all factors.
My priorities are much different now then they were 10 years ago. Being married, owning a home, having a good paying job... I think I'm ready to have a kid. But 10 years a go? No.
Also what kind of girl is this? Maybe she would make a terrible mother. I certainly would not want my kid raised by a loose woman.
wildwest450
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Two words, Maury Povich.
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I'm an engineer too...
Several of us are older and looking back saying, "Yes it was stupid, but its not that bad." Look at us we have kids we are proud about having them.
Yes it not planned but, oh flippin' well. He didn't trip while he walked across the room naked and accidentally got his Richard stuck in her Virgina. I'm not going to be feeling sorry for him.
Its simple; abort, go the adoption route or be a father. My advice was to try adoption since so many couples can't have kids. Its the most unselfish thing he could do for somebody.
keelanfish
Well-Known Member
I actually think it is even simpler than that. He doesn't have any say in the matter. He's not in a relationship with the mother-to-be and there's no way to know at this time if it's even his kid. He doesn't have the decision making power to do any of those things you list other than to prepare himself to be a father. All he can do is relax, wait and IF the mother wants him to be involved, try to be as helpful and constructive as possible.
It's a huge burden, hell, I decided I wanted to have a kid after being married for more than 6 years and I still had panick attacks, sleepless nights and worried about every little thing. In my experience, 99% of the things I was worrying about were unfounded.
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True - He doesn't have the final say. He might be able to exercise some influence. I agree its not that bad as I thought it would be.
flyangler18
Well-Known Member
No dog in this fight - but has anyone else noticed that the OP hasn't been back to this thread since he started it?
My stance on this is simple: play adult games, make adult choices - live with adult consequences. Done.
My stance on this is simple: play adult games, make adult choices - live with adult consequences. Done.
njnear76
Well-Known Member
You're right. I need a beer.
lustreking
Well-Known Member
I don't have any suggestions for your pregnancy situation, except:
I'd say that you probably should.
I'd say that you probably should.
Are you serious? Do you have a medical condition or something else that could hinder your swimmers? How could you possibly think your little guys can't do their job just because it hasn't happened before? I think this was your first mistake.
Come to an agreement and live with the consequences. Tough decision to make no matter which route you go.
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I typed some big story here then deleted it because dude hasn't even been back to check anything.
He posted a few times on the first page and that was only yesterday. I think he'll be back...he's got a lot on his mind.
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