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RedIrocZ-28

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Not sure where to start so I'll just let it flow I guess.

Last night I get a phone call from a friend of mine, kinda bar buddy type girl, booty call, you get the picture. I figured that she was out somewhere for St. Patrick's day and was wondering if I was anywhere. I didn't answer because I was actually at home, with my girlfriend, playing video games and drinking some Killian's since I never even thought to brew an Irish beer for the occasion.

Anyway, I just let it go to voicemail and she left a message. I figure I'll check it later. So I did, checked it later, and she says, "Hey I need to talk to you about something, its kind of important, so just give me a call back tomorrow or whatever." I'm thinking that this is rather odd since I haven't really talked to her since the new GF and I started dating, except to tell her that I have a new GF and I don't think she would appreciate me getting booty calls. Have not heard from her since. Until last night. So, I get to thinking that I am going to need to go to the med center to get checked out or something, fearing the worst, you know how it is. So I actually called her back later and she drops a bomb on me. "I'm pregnant." My head starts spinning and all I can think is ohh fuuuuuuccckkk. But I don't ever remember uhh, how do I put this while staying PG-13 ... "flooding the cave", so to speak. Then she tells me she just found out and she is shocked too because she had a specific form of cancer in the past and isn't really supposed to be able have children without some serious difficulties in even Getting pregnant. I called her the morning after the last time we ever did it and told her I think she should go get that morning after pill because I was not certain if any slipped out, before pull out. She obliged but ended up not taking it because she was apparently allergic to it after reading the box and consulting her doctor and she then had her Aunt Flow come for a visit that very same day. She and I both thought everything was in the clear so we kinda parted ways after that.

So...At this point I am thinking back to the timeframe she is telling me about and I was like, wait a minute I know I wasn't the only guy she was with at that time. I know this for a fact, don't ask me how, I just do.

Then I start thinking, I was pretty sure I couldn't even have kids... It hasn't happened yet and it definitely should have on MANY occasions. So what the hell gives?!!!?

Now I have to figure out how to tell this to my new girlfriend, and my family, and just everyone I guess. I am anxious, stressed out, angry, pissed, mad, everything all at once. I don't know what to do at all. I have never been in this situation before, I mean I'm 27 years old and like I said, no kids, never one "scare" either, I guess I always just thought my guys were not viable.

So, what the hell do I do? I swear I don't live in a trailer, have a mullet, or shop at Walmart. I have been employed in the same job for almost 7 years, I pay my bills on time, my taxes, everything has been going right for once in my life, FOR ONCE! Now this...

EDIT: I also got the feeling that she was asking for permission last night to abort. I'm very torn... and but we both said the same thing, "No offense, but I never wanted to have any kids with you, just some fun." She has a good job, is advancing up the corporate ladder and was planning on attending Law School in the fall. So, in a nutshell this is my personal hell for the past 24 hours.... :(
 

marley

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People have kids everyday. It's not the end of your life...

I have a kid, best thing that ever happened to me.

If your girlfriend is worth her salt, then she will understand.

Worse things will happen... Keep your head up.
 

ScottyT

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Can a paternity test be done before birth?

I don't see any reason to tell anyone until you know whether or not the kid is yours.

If it is and you both decide you can't take care of it, consider adoption. There are a lot of people out there ready to provide a loving home to the kids they can't have themselves.

Good luck!
 

ChshreCat

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Not to sound crass, but the situation screams "ABORT! ABORT!" to me. If that's the way she's leaning, I'd lean along with her.

If that's not where you go... Two people who like each other but don't want a life together are more likely to be better for a kid than two people who marry each other but hate each other's guts IMHO.
 
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Don't go into denial and pretend that this isn't happening and that if you ignore it, it will go away.

Talk to her, figure out what you both want, and act. If you and her decide to have the child, get the paternity test soon.
 
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RedIrocZ-28

RedIrocZ-28

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The new GF is worth her salt.

I was pretty happy that I had no baggage from my past. The past that I decided to leave behind circa the last week of January. So I did, Then I met this girl and things have been great ever since. Finally. Until last night.

If this is not the end of the world, then I don't know what is. This is the only other thing that could have gone wrong so far that hasn't. This is not the best thing that has ever happened to me, and it wouldn't be, regardless.... I can't afford myself let alone child support, I looked it up, its more than I spend on gas/food/myself in a month. Rather selfish I know but I can only watch out for myself because this is the only shot I get on this rock. By the way, her and I are not together, never were, and knew we never would be. Seems some people are reading something different than what I wrote above.

I know there is adoption, my current girlfriend is adopted actually, but this is not my decision to make as its not my body, and I don't have to go through it for 9 months.

I know I can't ignore it and it'll go away. Unfortunately... which has been my standard tactic in the past, but then again, those "problems" weren't akin to something as serious as this.
 

MikeG

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I think you need to find somebody who you know who has a good head on their shoulders to talk it out. I'm sure you can find somebody who will reflect back what you want to hear for validation but I don't recommend it. Best of luck and for what it's worth, get a paternity test.
 

socalamcor

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True enough its time to man up, yes you need to sit down and talk things out and see what the options are. Also you need to find a decent attorney in case things go bad for you as well. Not a lot of people see this as a legal problem, but you are looking at 18-21 years of commitment. It would be best to make sure both you and her know your rights, and what to expect with what ever rout you guys decide to take.
 

Yooper

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I don't like this girl, in fact I was happy we parted ways.

Boy, this is tough and I really feel for you. It's a terrible situation to be in, and I know that you're anguishing over it. It really just sucks.

That said, though, you admit it was a booty call thing. You don't even like each other. But.......you ****ed her and if she is indeed pregnant by you, then you gotta accept the consequences. Being a grown up means accepting consequences for decisions you make. Whether it's to drink and drive (and killing someone), or becoming a parent with someone you don't like, those are decisions that have severe consequences. You're a grown up, you know where babies come from. Saying that you didn't think it would happen isn't really being very responsible. So, now you have to accept the responsibility.
 

farmbrewernw

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I have to agree with Yoop, you say your pretty sure you can't even have kids but to me it sounds like you've just gotten lucky to this point. I mean if you don't have testicles anymore or you have been clinically diagnosed as infertile I can understand but likely you should have known what the consequences were. I'd say support her in whatever her decision is but don't just say it's "her body" because you can't make babies with just one person, you had a part in it you have to take responsibility. While I am married I am only 26 and if this happened to me I'd have to man up and do what I had to do.
 
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No one is trying to make anyone look like an a-hole. If he barebacked it, there's a chance the kid is his ("pulling out" is like Russian roulette). Taking responsibility means that, at a minimum, he and the girl need to keep in touch and come to a mutually agreeable decision about the pregnancy and/or birth. If abortion/adoption are not agreeable, then a paternity test is in order. If it's positive, the future holds tough decisions about custody, visiting rights, child support, etc.
 

GranillaNutz

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Taking responsibility means that, at a minimum, he and the girl need to keep in touch and come to a mutually agreeable decision about the pregnancy and/or birth.
i totally agree with that.
and if u did this while u were with ur current gf... then u just f'd up and need to accept that... everybody f's up now and again...
 

gratus fermentatio

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Not sure where to start so I'll just let it flow I guess.

So I actually called her back later and she drops a bomb on me. "I'm pregnant." My head starts spinning and all I can think is ohh fuuuuuuccckkk. So, in a nutshell this is my personal hell for the past 24 hours.... :(

Do yourself a favour: Do NOT tell your current gf. Do NOT tell your parents. Tell the one with a bun in the oven to abort. Offer to pay for 1/2 if you feel the need to. It's nobody else's biz. Once it's over & done with, don't contact the old gf. Get on with your life & try not to make the same mistake (IF it was your mistake) again. It may be unplesant to think about, some may have moral/philisophical issues with it, but it doesn't alter the fact that such things can easily make life difficult for all concerned. Minimize the damage & move on. Regards, GF.
 

bad coffee

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I've been exactly where you are.

I went out for coffee with her, and we talked about it. It was a one-nighter, and we didn't like the idea of being tethered to each other for the next 18 years. It was a hard decision for both of us to make. We decided together to terminate the pregnancy. Neither she nor I were against it (religion-wise or conscience-wise,) and we both realize we'd be wrecking both our lives. I paid for it, but she didn't want me to go with her, she took one of her good girlfriends.

And 16 years later, I don't regret it one bit. I do wonder 'what if' once in a while. However, to this day, I don't even toy with the idea of going bareback unless I'm in a relationship. I bet you won't either.

Give this girl a call and go talk face-to-face. See if your bull**** detector goes off. You said you weren't the only one she was with at the time. She may be just trying to get you to pony up some cash.

I agree with socalamcor. Get an attorney, or at least talk to one about options. And if she does decide to have the child, get a paternity test. You know it will hurt her feelings, but if she has the kid (on your bill) and it turns out it's obviously not yours, it will hurt you more.

B
 

GranillaNutz

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if it's tru, then u have a long bumpy road ahead of you man. if it's not, then you can look back on all this and laugh it off (i laugh about the girls i thought i got prego). if its true and you don't think you can provide for this child, and u believe that this child is not going to live a productive life and be happy once in a while, then that's your decision if u want to abort. my personal opinion about abortion is that girls that have became pregnant by rape should have that option. but that's just my opinion and not the "law" i would honestly spit in your face if u made that decision because u consented to the act in the first place and didn't "man up" to reality, but again, that's just me. i believe u have a lot of thinking to do... just don't bend urself out of shape over it. life isn't that bad with "extra baggage".. it could've been worse... u could've gotta call saying "i've got aids, and i don't know if i got it before i slept with you"
 

the_bird

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If you've been barebacking without thinking there could be any consequences (especially with someone you barely know who you know is messing around a lot)... well, this probably isn't the worst thing that could have happened to you.
 

Decojuicer

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This is something that I feel that I can speak intelligently about.

My wife got pregnant when we were still dating. I planned on proposing anyway, so we just moved up the time table a bit. That being said, if we hadn't gotten married, I would have cowboyed up and taken care of the kid.

It sounds like you took your chances more than once. If so, then you knew what you were doing. Just because it never happened before, doesn't mean that it can't happen. I took my chances before and nothing happened, but with my wife, she is fertile Myrtle so she got pregnant really easy. It only takes one sperm to make the trip.

I agree with the others who said that you should talk to an attorney. You may have some major changes coming to your life soon, whether you like it or not. Child support, health care, school, clothes, etc., are all very expensive. An attorney can point you in the right direction for a DNA test, and can help you keep the child support reasonable. If you think that you can't afford a child because of your lifestyle, then you are going to have to change your lifestyle.

An abortion was never an option for me or my wife, but that doesn't mean that it isn't for other people.
 

mosquitocontrol

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I wouldn't feel pressured to "man up" (assuming that means just go with it and have the kid?) just because others say that's the right thing. If you don't think its the right time in your life then bring up your concerns and discuss it. There's nothing wrong with openly admitting something even if it can be taken the wrong way later.
 
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I wouldn't feel pressured to "man up" (assuming that means just go with it and have the kid?) just because others say that's the right thing. If you don't think its the right time in your life then bring up your concerns and discuss it. There's nothing wrong with openly admitting something even if it can be taken the wrong way later.

I don't think that "man up" in this case means have the kid. In my opinion, "man up" means to deal with the situation. Too many guys will try and ignore it, stick their head in the sand, and hope it goes away. Have an intelligent discussion with the gal, make some decisions, and move through this.

It's not the end of the world. Nothing is (well, except the REAL end of the world - and that's not unitl 12/10/12).
 

stevea1210

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I wouldn't feel pressured to "man up" (assuming that means just go with it and have the kid?) just because others say that's the right thing. If you don't think its the right time in your life then bring up your concerns and discuss it. There's nothing wrong with openly admitting something even if it can be taken the wrong way later.

this was almost exactly what I was going to type. In the USA abortion is legal (even though some would like to change that). If you and her feel that is the best course of action for you at this point in your life, then that is a legal, viable, and acceptable path. You are walking a path that many have faced before.

That being said, if you do decide to have the child, you damn well better man up, and be a good father.

I also agree with the posts about not telling current GF, parents or anyone else until everything is decided.
 

StoutFan

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**** happens man. I've had the scare a couple times. Usually just a case of "You were the best of the bunch" and the tests come back negative. Then I found the wife, had kids, and realized there are few things in life greater that puppys, kittens, and small children. I thought life was over on the first, then realized it is a blessing in disguise. Don't worry, there are worse things in life.
 

katja

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Tough place to be...I'm 25 & married and scared to death of the idea of having a kid (crosses fingers, knocks on wood). Even though I have an issue with the ethics of using abortion as a form of after-the-fact birth control, it's certainly a free country. IMO if you both agree to abort, there's a huge ethical difference between aborting at an early stage (some doctors think women's bodies naturally abort around 50% of pregnancies very early on before a woman is even aware she is pregnant) and a later term abortion when the difference between a fetus and a baby is which side of uterus it's on.

About the advice to not tell your girlfriend - depends on how serious you are about the relationship. Truly, if you're both serious, and if she's a keeper, she'll thank you for telling her. If it's still new and not that far along, you probably don't want to tell her at this point.

No matter what you are in for some tough decisions and I wish you the best!
 

homebrewer_99

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First off, I have to tell you to stop stressing out. I heard/read once that stress is like paying interest on a debt you don't even owe. It does you no good. Didn't you say you're not even sure it's yours?

Talk to the girl and find out what she wants to do. If she wants to abort then, like the man said earlier, pony up...

If she decides to abort then just go with her decision. There's not much leeway you have there anyway.

The bonus with this decision is that NO ONE else needs to know. By spilling the beans now without knowing for sure may hurt your new GF and family.

They should be the last to find out...trust me.

This has been the voice of logic. ;)

Allow me to buy you a beer...:mug:
 

TxBrew

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No good advice really but I did see that 40% of children are now born out of wedlock so your not going to be alone in that Department.
 

WheeledGoat

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I was dating a girl in my 1st year of college. We broke up. A month or so later I get the call. Preggo. She had no doubt it was me and I believed her. We decided it wasn't the right time and aborted. I took her to the clinic myself, paid for it, and stayed with her for a day or so afterwards - it's pretty rough on a woman, physically and emotionally. I never saw her after that.

Now, 14 years later, I'm happily married with a 3yo & 5yo. Rarely a day has gone by in the past 14 years that I didn't think about it and regret it. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for killing my own child.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not some sap, and I don't cry tears about it... and it's not that I regret my current wife or kids; quite the opposite, I couldn't love them any more than I already do... but the decision never leaves you.

Having kids is most certainly a life changing experience, but I promise you - it's a change for the better. You'll find joy and happiness you didn't even realize was possible. Even if you don't think you're ready for it, or you think you can't afford it.

I'm pro choice. I think people should be able to make up their own minds. I figure the earth is populated enough, and it's time to choose quality over quantity - for the health of the planet and the human race. There's enough kids running around out there with only one parent. Plenty of them are so lost with the absence of good parenting that they're dealing drugs and shooting each other. The happiest kids are those born to 2 parents who love each other.

I'm pro-choice, but personally I wish I had made a different choice. I can't take it back.

Definitely don't tell the current GF until you know what's up!

Don't be guilted into keeping the kid with "man up" quips. Make the right decision for you.... for the both of you.... but be sure. It's a serious decision either way. Abortion isn't the "get out of jail free" card some people seem to think it is.
 

marley

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If this is the worst thing you have ever had to go through then consider yourself one lucky dude.

This is not that big of a deal,the problem is you are just a kid.
 

the_bird

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"Man up" doesn't mean keep the kid, necessarily. Man up means deal with the consequences, whatever they may be. If it's supporting this girl if she chooses to abort, be there if she needs you, pay at least half the cost. If she decides on adoption, do what you can to help her. If she won't do either, well, this little bugger really ought to have a dad. Not fair to him/her for you to ignore your responsibilities; child support is more than just writing a check.

Shoulder your responsibilities, whatever they may be.
 

marley

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You pay ALL the costs. period. If that is HER choice.

You say you don't have a mullet, well going halfers on a abortion would make you a prime suspect.

However, if SHE decides to have it, then it's no longer about you.

Didn't mean to be an ass, about the kid comment. I am only a year older, and remember exactly what you are thinking right now. I promise you, if you guys decide to have it, there will be nothing COOLER in your life...

Kids are great. You get to teach em how to do things. That is HUGE.

At least that's how it was for me...
 

njnear76

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The WheeledGoat speaks the truth. Abortion is not the get out of jail free card.

You will feel emotionally haunted if you go that route. I sometimes regret that the ex and I chose that, but I probably would have made the same decision. Logically I could not see how it could work.

It's a hard thing to defend, because it is a cop-out. There is nothing that you can say, which doesn't make it appear it was not a selfish and somewhat immature act. That's the honest to God truth.

But life is like that. It is not pretty. Sometimes you do have to look out for yourself and everyone's best interests.

None of us here have a right to make or condemn any decision you both make. It's your life. I guarantee you that whatever decision you make, it will have a major impact on your life.

Good luck. Don't worry you will be fine.

I'm not sure if you are the religious type or not, but I will say this: God will love you no matter what you both choose.

Hell, you already committed a slew of sins doing the nasty any ways and he still hasn't thrown a lightening bolt at you! Heh. Sorry about that. Born and raised Catholic. Guilt complex. Hell-fire, brimstone, etc... Trying to lighten the mood. Failing miserably. OK. I'm leaving... Told you I was immature.
 

Schlenkerla

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Recapping Some Key Points:
  1. Don't tell anybody until you know for sure. (+1 on this.)
  2. Talk to her and find out what she wants to do.
    • Abort - Split 50/50 (Both of you boinked)
    • Adopt - (Strongly Consider This)
    • Be a father.
  3. Learn from this. (Think of abstaining or use a condom)
I am pro-choice. I would like to reserve the abort option for rape & incest.

I am a father. I STRONGLY ask of you to consider adoption.

My wife and I tried to have a child for 8 long arduous years. We spent at least $60K on 12 or more failed AI's and three failed invitros. In fact we almost got divorced over the arguments and the stress involved. This also included the pain of a miscarriage at 18 weeks.

Eventually we considered adoption. Mainly foreign because there are so few babies available in the US. The agencies/foreign governments want to make money to sell you a baby $30-60k. Human trafficking IMO. My wife is a type 2 diabetic and takes a pill for panic attacks. Both are two strikes against foreign adoption. Nobody will give a baby to a diabetic.

There are tons, and I mean tons of people who would feel so lucky to have and raise your child if you chose not to take that responsibility. I know this for a fact because I am one of them. (If you don't believe me visit a fertility clinic in your area.)

I was fortunate that my wife got pregnant by accident. The Dr's told her to give it up that it would never work but they were so wrong.

Please strongly consider adoption if you choose not to keep the baby.

This is my McBrew Buddy! :rockin: Good Luck with your decision!

2009_Feb-March_058.jpg
 

Donasay

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It's times like these when I ask people: Don't you wish you had developed an unhealthy obsession with putting it in the pooper?

I mean that is what crazy booty calls are for.
 

keelanfish

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Sorry about the situation and really, things at this point have been set in motion and there is not a whole lot you can do about it. Sit back and hang on for the ride and try not to stick your foot in your mouth too many times.

I've got a son who is 14 months old now and it's the second best thing that has ever happened to me (marrying my wife was the first). My younger brother dealt with almost your exact situation and now has a 5 month old son and I'd bet he'd tell you that while not ideal, it's still amaizing and that he wouldn't give up his son for the world.

There is no safe way to test for paternity before birth, so there is no way you are going to be 100% sure you are the father at this point. Even if there was a way, ultimately the decision to abort is up to the mother, so the best you can do is advise, and this is a sticky subject and hard to not get into arguments.

All you can do at this point is make preparations to be a dad. It's an awesome responsibility, but rewarding. Just remember, the success of your life will probably not be based on the things you do right, but how you deal with the bumpy patches along the way. RDWHAHB & wear a condom next time.

Here's a recent pick of my boy playing under the butcher block to cheer you up!
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TwoHeadsBrewing

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Well, that's a tough situation. You need to support her in whatever she decides to do, whether that is abortion, adoption, or raising the child on her own. Now if it were me, I'd be skeptical about whether the child was mine or not...but I'm sure you've gone over that with her right? However, if that is your child you should take responsibility for it. And I'm not just talking the talk here.

10 years and 9 months ago I found out my GF at the time was pregnant. I was 20 years old, and working as a part time cook at a local restaurant. Not the ideal situation, and like you I could just barely afford to take care of myself. But that "surprise" forced me to make some decisions and really think about the man I wanted to be for the rest of my life. It really left me just one choice: move in togther and become the best father I could be. The other options I could see offered short term satisfaction, but long term regrets. I made the right choice; had the baby (my first son), got married almost a year later, and started working my ass off to support my family. It's amazing how many good things came from making that decision! I eventually went back to college, got a great job, bought a house and had two more beautiful kids. And looking back at the path I was leading before the "surprise", I never would have had the motivation to pursue those opportunities.

It's a tough spot, but don't make a convenient decision and regret it for the rest of your life. I can't tell you the joy our little "surprise" has brought to my life:

FshipCornerHike1%20%2846%29.JPG
 
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