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A man walks into a bar acting really weird. He sits down and the man next to him asks, "What's wrong buddy?"
The man replied, "I've been blowing chunks all night!"
The man next to him replies, "Well that's not that bad, you just had to much to drink."
The man then said, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"
 
A man gets a call that his wife had been in a terrible accident.
So he rushes to the hospital where she had been taken.
Doctor meets him at the door and informs the man that it's quite bad.
Man asks "How bad?
Doc says " Well your wife is gonna be vegetable the rest of her life. She will have no control over her bodily functions. You will need to care for her 24/7 feeding her, wiping her and turning her so she doesn't get bedsores."
The man breaks down sobbing saying "this is horrible. I can't do all that."
Doctor says "It's ok I was just messing with ya . She's dead"
 
On the lame joke theme
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks
"So why the long face?"
 
An old man goes to the hospital to visit his gravely ill wife.
The staff gently informs him that she passed away during the night.
The next day he returns, asking to see his wife. Exchanging glances, the nurses tell the poor guy that she died yesterday.
The next day he is back, again asking to see his wife. Unsure whether he is unable to face the truth, or becoming senile, they show him in to see the doctor. The doctor kindly explains that the wife died two days earlier, and that he has been informed twice.
"I know," the old man replies, "I just like hearing it!"
 
A woman informs her husband that she has an incurable and terminal disease.
The man quite distraught tells his wife that he will never be with another woman out of respect and love for her.
She says" That's very sweet but rather unrealistic. The kids would maybe like a stepmom" and insists the her husband remarry.
Finally he relents and agrees to her wishes.
Then she asks "will you sleep in our same bed? He says no I will get a new one.
She asks will you let her drive my car? he says no I will donate your car to charity.
She asks will you let her use my golf clubs? He says "no she's not left-handed"
 
Guy walks into a bar and looks the bartender straight in the eye and asks for ten shots of tequila. The bartender grabs a stack of shot glasses, lines them up and starts pouring. While he's doing this, he asks the guy, "So, celebrating something special?" The guy responds, "Sort of. I guess you could say I'm celebrating my first blowjob." The bartender says back to him, " Well then, let me buy you one more on the house!" And the guy says to the bartender, " No thanks, if ten shots of tequila doesn't kill the taste, an eleventh one won't help either."
 
What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your cock up a girls ass....


^thats a good ice breaker joke for the in laws or something.
 
Superman was flying around Metropolis one day when he notices Wonder Woman sunning herself butt naked on the roof of the justice league. He thinks to himself "Man, I'd like a shot at that. Wait a minute, I'm Superman! I'm faster than a speeding bullet! I could fly over, get mine, and be gone before she knows what hit her!!" So with that he flys in, gets his, and is gone in a blink. Wonder woman feels the draft and asks "What the hell was that?!?!" And the Invisible man says" I don't know, but my @$$hole hurts!!!"
 
Q: What does a 9 volt battery and an
a$$hole have in common?

A: You know it's wrong but sooner or later you will touch your tongue to it.
 
What does a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist have in common?


They can smell it, they can touch it, but they can't taste it.
 
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?


Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon.



Michael Jackson just f***** little boys.
 
Another nose picking ten year old joke and one of my old standbys for ya:

What's inside of a clean nose?

Fingerprints!
 
What's the difference between a microwave and an a$$hole.



Microwave doesn't brown your meat.

Man walks into a bar and sees a horse in the corner with a sign next to it. He gets a closer look. "Make the horse laugh $500".
The man walks up and whispers somethhing in the horses ear. The horse bursts out laughing and the man collects his money.
Two weeks later the same man walks into the same bar. This time the sign reads, "Make the horse cry $1000." The man walks p whispers something in the horses ear and jostles his pants a bit. The horse starts bawling. The man goes to collect his money. The bartender asks how he did both things to the horse. The man explains,"The first time I told him my penis was bigger and the second time I showed him.
 
Blackbeard was sailing in the Caribbean one day when he spots in his glass a large British ship. Preparing his men for battle, he calls to his first mate "ARRR! Bring me me red shirt!!!" Confused by this order, his first mate asks him "Now why ye be wantin yer red shirt capn?" Blackbeard replys to him, "We're gettin' ready to do battle. Thar's a good chance I'll get cut. If I'm wearin' me red shirt, none of the men'll see me bleed, and thatfor won't take it fer weakness, and possible mutiny." Satisfied with the answer, the First mate gets Blackbeard his red shirt, and they battle the British privateer. Blackbeard's med fought bravely, and they won the day, and not a man saw Blackbeard's several cuts..


A few months later, Blackbeard's sailing the spanish main when he spots in his glass the entire spanish armada. He yells to his first mate "ARRRR! Bring me me brown pants..."
 
A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
 
In the spirit of the season:

An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

"Let's not fight about it!" the man said. "Let's ask our guide, Rudolph, whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As their tour guide approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he replied officiously.

But the woman insisted, "I know that it felt like snow!"

The man quietly replied, "Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!"
 
Tomcat0304 said:
In the spirit of the season:

An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

"Let's not fight about it!" the man said. "Let's ask our guide, Rudolph, whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As their tour guide approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he replied officiously.

But the woman insisted, "I know that it felt like snow!"

The man quietly replied, "Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!"
Click to expand...

You make me have to tell it. Its on your head.

Can you name all 10 of Santa's reindeer?


Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder, Blitzen and Rudolph are the 9 that everyone gets right, but everyone forgets the 10th reindeer Olive. as in the song Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"...Olive, the other reindeer..." He was the jerkwad who used to laugh and call him names.
 
A frog hops int a bank and jumps right up onto the loan officers desk, knocking over her name plate.
"Excuse me, Ms. Black, I presume?"
"Why yes my fine frog, but please call me Pat, everyone does."
"Now what can I do for you today?
"Well" says the frog, "I have a business plan, see, I plan to open a shop and sell gourmet imported flys to all my frog friends. But in order to get started, I need a loan for $10,000."
"Gee, that's the first time Ive had a frog ask for a loan, and seems to be a lot of money...do you have any collateral?"
"Why yes I do!" said the frog, pulling a small stick figure man who was leading a small stick figure donkey, the man wearing a colorful sombrero. "I got this in Mexico!"
"Well" says the loan officer, "since you have a business plan, and a form of collateral, I will be happy to present your case to the bank President." (Thinking to herself, "Bob's going to get a real kick out of this!")
So Ms. Black takes the plan and stick figures to the bank president, Bob Brown, and explains the situation.
Mr Brown doesn't bat an eye and says "That's a knick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan."
 
eric19312 said:
A frog hops int a bank and jumps right up onto the loan officers desk, knocking over her name plate. "Excuse me, Ms. Black, I presume?" "Why yes my fine frog, but please call me Pat, everyone does." "Now what can I do for you today? "Well" says the frog, "I have a business plan, see, I plan to open a shop and sell gourmet imported flys to all my frog friends. But in order to get started, I need a loan for $10,000." "Gee, that's the first time Ive had a frog ask for a loan, and seems to be a lot of money...do you have any collateral?" "Why yes I do!" said the frog, pulling a small stick figure man who was leading a small stick figure donkey, the man wearing a colorful sombrero. "I got this in Mexico!" "Well" says the loan officer, "since you have a business plan, and a form of collateral, I will be happy to present your case to the bank President." (Thinking to herself, "Bob's going to get a real kick out of this!") So Ms. Black takes the plan and stick figures to the bank president, Bob Brown, and explains the situation. Mr Brown doesn't bat an eye and says "That's a knick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan."
Click to expand...

The one I heard goes a little further:

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack. So he says, “Ms. Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.”
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against a loan. She asks if he has anything that he can use as collateral. The frog says “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the managerand disappears into a back office. She finds tha manager and says: “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what the heck is this?”
(Are you ready?)
The bank manager looks back at her and says: “Its a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”
 
C'mon guys, there's more in ya!


A woman walks into a hardware store. She procedes to the counter to buy a hinge. The guy at the counter asks, "Would you like a screw for that hinge?" She replies, "No, but I'll give ya a BJ for that toaster!"
 
A Norwegian, a Finn & a Swede were walking through the forest one day when they came upon some tracks. "Those are deer tracks" said the Norwegian. "No, those are badger tracks," said the Finn. The Swede never got a chance to say just what type of tracks he thought they were because just then they were all run over by a train.
:D

Ole and Lena were applying for a wedding license and were answering questions asked by the clerk. "Lena, how old are you?"
Lena answered, "I am going to be tventy one in Yanuary."
Next the clerk asked, "Lena, how tall are you?" Lena stated, "I'm yust about six feet tall."
"And how much do you weigh, Lena?" was the next question. "I weigh yust about 230 pounds."
"Wow," exclaimed the clerk, "You're big enough to play with the Green Bay Packers!!"
"Oh no," answered Lena, "I yust play with Ole's packer."
:D
 
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits. :D
 
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer.
The second man was an Accountant.
The third man was a Chemist.
The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff..' T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff..' Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was pretty good!

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff...' Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'Coffee Break, do your stuff.'

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, **** on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions put in for Workers' Compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
 
A mathematician, physicist, and engineer were all placed in a room and given a problem. They stood at one end of the room, and a gorgeous naked woman was sprawled out on a bed at the other end.

They were told: every minute you can move half the distance between yourself and the woman. If you reach her, your prize will be to have sex with her.

The mathematician, pulled out a pen and paper, ran a few calculations, and said "I give up. No matter how many minutes go by, I'll *never* reach that woman."

The physicist looked at the mathematician, and figured he'd try for himself. After a minute, he moves half the distance, and furiously writes his findings in his notebook. Another minute goes by, and he does the same. After a third minute, he says "I give up. The mathematicians theoretical conclusions are correct. I'll *never" reach that woman."

This whole time, the engineer has just quietly been moving closer, half the distance each minute. Flabbergasted, the mathematician and physicist ask: "Don't you know you'll never reach the woman? Why are you still trying?!"

The engineer replies: "Yeah, but I'll get close enough for practical purposes."
 
Two physicists, Max and Henri, are flying in a hot-air balloon. Due to fog and wind, they're blown off course and when the fog clears, have no idea where they are.

As they approach a clearing on the ground, they see a man standing right in the middle of the clearing. As soon as they're barely into earshot, they yell down to him "WHERE ARE WE?"

The man ponders. And ponders. And ponders. All the while, the men in the balloon pass over his head.

Just as they are nearly again out of earshot on the other side of the clearing, the man on the ground yells back: "YOU'RE IN A BALLOON!"

Max says, "Henri, I believe that man down there was a mathematician."

Henri replies, "But Max, how could you possibly know that?"

Max, "Well, it's simple. What he told us was just incontrovertibly true, accurate, beyond a shadow of a doubt. It also was of no use to us whatsoever."
 
Continuing with the science/engineering theme:

Three engineers are sitting and discussing the existence of God. The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Think of the skeletal system and the ease with which our joints move."

The second engineer says, "no, God has to be an electrical engineer. The human nervous system is an incredibly delicate network of electrical connections."

The third engineer says, "you're both wrong...God is a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
 
Four older guys are playing around of golf.
They all got to talking about how successful their sons had become.
One of the guys hooks a shot off into the woods.
While he goes to look for his ball the other guys keep talking.
One guy says "My son has a very successful construction business. In fact he's building a new house for his friend at cost"
Next guy say" Well my son's car dealership is doing so well he is giving one of his friends a new car at no charge"
Third guy say "My son's travel business is doing so well he is taking a friend on a trip all over Europe"
Fourth guy come back with his ball and the other guys tell him that they had been bragging up their sons and asked how his son was doing.
Guy says "Well my son told me the other day that he was gay"
The friends all tell him how sorry they are.
He says "It's ok He's got one friend who's building him a new house Another friend is giving him a new car. And another friend is taking him on a trip to Europe"
 
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Lady is walking past a pet store one morning
Parrott sitting out front yells
"HEY LADY"
Lady says "what?"
Parrott says "you're really freaking ugly"
Lady storms off.
Next day Lady walking by the same pet store
Parrott yells "HEY LADY"
Lady says "what?
Parrott says "you're really freaking ugly"
Lady offended goes in to see the owner and complains about the parrot. Owner says he'll talk to the bird.
Next day lady is walking by the pet store and the bird yells "HEY LaDy"
She says "what?"
Bird says "YOU KNOW!"
 
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