I'm this close to giving up. Seriously.

[RedIrocZ-28]

Also, the "dump her and move on" people -- do you normally give this advice to someone who's been married only half a year? I mean again, not being able to sustain a marriage for 6 months -- I believe I've mentioned my ego issues before.

Pardon my inability to be nice here but, what ego? You would rather walk on eggshells, compromise who YOU are, bow down to her every wish and try to be "the understanding husband" just to try to please someone who is not able to be pleased.... on the basis of your ego being hurt since you "couldn't even make this work for 6 months?"

Your Ego is the direct end result of your self worth, not some odd need/want to make a successful marriage happen. Thats not Your Ego.

She accuses you of cheating all the time? Either you are doing really shady things like not answering your phone, disappearing multiple nights of the week with no explanation, not being at work when you say you are etc, or... or... well, sometimes in order to justify "wrong doings", the person in the mirror needs to point the finger at someone else because they can't bear to look at themselves anymore.

Just saying...

My 2 cents.

 

[mmb]

Berner, are there kids involved? From what I read, I don't think so.

She's already proven she's not going to work with you and fix problems. You need to set an appointment with the councilor. If she balks, you've got your answer. One half working the problem isn't going to solve the problem.

Would you stay in a job if your coworker(s) treated you like this? Would you be friend's with guys that disrespected you this way?

She's only working with you when you scream at her and shock her system. I respect the fact that you want to work on this, but sometimes the only answer is to pay your losses and leave the table.

 

[farmbrewernw]

Don't talk yourself out of counseling just because it may be hard on you. If what you say is true the counselor will find your wifes faults, I'm sure you have yours as well but they don't seem to be the problem here. Also I know you don't think you should give up this early, and let me tell you you should try your hardest, but sometimes we don't find the right one the first time so don't feel like a failure if it just doesn't work out. Either way your going to learn a lot about yourself through all of this. I have way more friends that have messed up relationships than I have friends that have normal ones, most of the time I just wish they would realize that things are not working and move on. One of my best friends says that my wife and I are one of the only what he would consider healthy relationships that he knows, he wouldn't lie to me, and I can truly say that I agree with him that my wife and I have a good relationship. We enjoy each others company like best friends do, that is what marriage should be like.

 

[beesy]

the easiest path is not always the wisest path. hard things happen to all of us everyday. your have to overcome your challenges. ever hear the saying "nothing free is worth having."? take a step back and re-evaluate before making a decision that will impact the rest of your life. :rockin::rockin:

 

[Saccharomyces]

I've wondered about the bipolar thing, actually.

+1 on that. If this happens all the time, it sure sounds like it. I have relatives who are bipolar who used to fly off the handle and get all delusional like that. Now that they are treated for it they are fine.

Crawling through the thread it looks like you are on the right track. Good luck.

 

[bernerbrau]

Berner, are there kids involved? From what I read, I don't think so.

Hoo boy. I know it's a long thread and I really don't like to have to re-condense the thread every time someone asks the same questions but no, no kids.

She's already proven she's not going to work with you and fix problems.

What specifically is giving you that impression? She's agreed to see a counselor, I just dropped the ball by finding someone who doesn't take Friday appointments and waiting too long for them to get back to me about whether they make evening appointments or not.

Would you stay in a job if your coworker(s) treated you like this? Would you be friend's with guys that disrespected you this way?

Again with the whole it's really not all the time thing. It's just infrequent enough that I can forget about it long enough to let my guard down.

She's only working with you when you scream at her and shock her system.

**** no, screaming back results in things getting worse. Her own self reflection the morning after and my half a week of total withdrawal from her shocked her system.

I respect the fact that you want to work on this, but sometimes the only answer is to pay your losses and leave the table.

Swear to f*cking christ it's weird nobody seems to respect the whole I vowed to stick it out for better or for worse with this woman so I'd better at least make some f*cking effort because if I make that promise then cut and run at the first sign of difficulty it's gonna be pretty ******* difficult to consider my self a decent human being ever again aspect of this situation.

 

[bernerbrau]

Pardon my inability to be nice here but, what ego?

Nice. Do you bust every guy with self esteem issues by telling him you think he has lower self esteem than he thinks? Do you not get that it's a vicious effing cycle and the more self esteem I can convince myself I have, the more I can hang onto in the long run?

****, I know it could be a whole ******* hell of a lot worse, because I've been through a whole ******* hell of a lot worse in another relationship. I know for a fact I have more self respect now than I did then. Back then I wouldn't even have sought advice. At least now I fight back and I don't resign myself to the whole "she's probably right and I'm probably wrong" just to make problems go away.

I'm just up right now because I opened up this can o' worms earlier and haven't been able to stop thinking about it since, and she's snoring and I can't shut my brain off when she snores.

Did I mention I probably landed a 6-month contract with possibility of hire and a fairly decent pay increase? Don't want to jinx it but does anyone want to at least congratulate me on THAT so I'm not just feeling like an ass for both questioning this relationship AND pissing on all yall's advice?

 

[MikeFlynn74]

IMO when someone is that un-trusting/controlling/nuts its because they are doing the very thing they are accusing you of.

 

[bernerbrau]

jesus tap-dancing christ it's not projective identification!!

her mom abandoned her and her three siblings when she was like 11 and came back after long periods of absence every couple years with a different husband. Her father was a drug addict that threatened to kill her mom which prompted her to divorce him AND LEAVE THE KIDS IN HIS CUSTODY.

Eventually her grandparents kidnapped them from her father, obtained guardianship, and cut off all contact between them and both parents so they could have a normal childhood.

Her mom's currently a nurse with a pain pill addiction, her stepdad is an alcoholic, and together the two have a huge gambling problem. They've come to us asking for money and I've flat out refused them which has prompted her mother to decide I'm the bad son-in-law. This compared to my brother-in-law who steals credit card numbers and sleeps around on my wife's sister, whom he has a CHILD with and ANOTHER ALONG THE WAY. Her sister is aware of it, and she F*CKING FORGIVES HIM EVERY ******* TIME because she thinks her kids need a father.

SO YEAH SHE'S GOT ISSUES. It's a f*cking miracle she's as normal as she is. Now everyone please stop speculating that she's got some skeletons she's not telling me about because I think I've got a PRETTY GOOD CLUE.

 

[MikeFlynn74]

Its your life- be as miserable as you want to be.

IMO your situation would cause me to leave the ****ing country

 

[bernerbrau]

Well, we're 1,000 miles away from all that bullcrap. It's not out of the country but it's at least distance.

The point is, given the circumstance, I'm pretty sure that the reasons behind her insecurities are not because she's cheating on me. It's just frustrating to have to deal with constant insinuations of naivete when I think I have a pretty good grasp of where her issues stem from.

 

[bernerbrau]

I can understand if you don't want to commiserate with a pathetic dude who's whining about his situation and not doing a thing about it.

But again, I think I've earned the right to vent a little.

 

[bernerbrau]

Is there a way to sticky that post? I think I'm gonna link to that one if anyone else suggests she's cheating on me from now on.

 

[MikeFlynn74]

vent away!

 

[bernerbrau]

guess it's a good thing this is off in the **** section.

It's really my fault for knowingly marrying into that insanity. It just never seemed to touch me until we got married. The bizarre thing is the majority of her extended family is quite normal. Rowdy, but normal.

 

[knarfks]

I'm happy to see things are going well.
Keep working at it, if it works then awesome, that is the hope.
But the key here is to continue to work at it, not be ok with things going well now and hoping things stay that way.

Congrats on being man enough to stick out a difficult situation and work for it, as you see most would turn and run.

 

[bernerbrau]

Congrats on being man enough to stick out a difficult situation and work for it, as you see most would turn and run.

You may be the first person on here to call me a man for wanting to honor my wedding vows. You, sir, are my hero right now.

 

[bernerbrau]

Since the thread kinda died I'm gonna turn in.

 

[Domminigan]

The way that I see it, It looks like you've got a slightly broken Dryer.
It has taken it's lumps over the years, had a few bowling balls ran through it, so it's a little banged up, and sometimes it tears up a shirt or a sock.

The good things about it:
It's been around a while and you know what to expect from it for the most part.
You know how every dent and snag got there.
It's familiar, and familiar is comfortable.
Sometimes it dries the clothes without tearing anything up.

The bad things about it:
It runs rough even on a good day.
Even when nothing seems to be wrong, it will still tear up a shirt.
The old snags and dents are cumulative.
It occasionally bursts into flames.


Repairing your dryer might cost more, but if you call in a professional, you might get better results.

To get the best results, make a mental list of problems that your dryer has that need to be corrected. You need to tell the professional about every time that it tears up a sock, about every time that it catches fire, and every time that it runs rough. Because you know that when he gets there, the dryer will be working fine.

The professional will take some time to get your dryer fixed, especially since it's the type that can't come out of service to be worked on.

The professional might be able to pop out some of the dents, might be able to replace the belts, rollers, and guides to make it run smoothly. He might even be able to repair the barrel so that it even stops tearing up the occasional sock.

The Professional might tell you that the unit needs more experience than you have. You might be able to learn how to operate it better.

Then again, he might tell you that it's a piece of junk and you need to get rid of it.

In any case, You need to get that Dryer serviced, and serviced soon; because even a closely watched dryer that catches fire will eventually burn your whole damn house down. It might even take you with it.

 

[TwoHeadsBrewing]

My advice, go rent the movie Fireproof. Yes, it's cheezy. Yes, it has lots of religious nonsense in it. Yes, it has lots of bad acting. BUT, and this is a big BUT. If you never try to save your marriage by putting yourself totally and completely on the line, you'll always wonder if there were something else you could have done. This movie is about a married couple with issues, and ready to split up. There is also this concept of the "Love Dare" where you concentrate on showing love and expecting nothing in return.

I'd try that and some marriage counseling as a last resort. If that doesn't work I think you have to walk away, for your own sanity and for the betterment of both of your lives. But you have to try EVERYTHING first, IMHO. Otherwise, 20 years down the road you'll be wondering "what if". If you try everything and it doesn't work, then Fuc% it...people change, people grow apart, and life is too short to live in misery by choice. Hang in there man, if you really love her be prepared to sacrifice yourself to show it. Another good movie, "the last kiss" with zach braff. Good message and also a great soundtrack IMHO. Best quote from that movie, "Love is not what you say, that only matters to you. It only matters how you show your love to the other person through your actions." Or something like that...anyways, apfelwein is awesome! :rockin:

 

[Stef1966]

Jeeesuuuus.... Why does it have to be so complicated?

Let me ask you a question:

1- Did you ever at one point, felt she was madly in love with you, and that she was real nice and kind with you, told you very sweet words and told you that it would be forever?

2- Did you at one point ever really felt you both were being a strong team, felt like you could share just about anything with her, be really at ease talking anything with her?

3- Did you ever feel at one point she had total confidence in your mutual relationship, not being afraid to let you go have a beer or two with buddies knowing she could totally trust you?

If any of these questions is No, then sorry, you got nothing worth fighting for in there.
Fixing something that was never really there is not worth it.
There has to be something in the first place, otherwise, youre just fooling yourself dude.

Sorry to be that direct and raw, but it tears me appart to see a dude in such a sad situation.

I've been married for 5 years now, and before that, i was with her for 10 additional years, it always been a strong team between the two of us, we met while we were still pretty young and even thought we had some tuff moments, we always felt the huge bond between us was the force that was gonna move any freaking mountains that would dare step in our way.

Now i always felt this was something real special, something to work and fight for.

I wish you the exact same thing dude.

 

[kjung]

From what I've just read, she needs to be in therapy alone, and you both need it together.
Once she starts working on her issues, it will help the two of you work on yours.
Do WHATEVER it takes to make, and KEEP, the appointments. A good therapist doesn't take sides, so don't worry about that aspect. If you can, find a PhD, and not someone with only an Associates degree. Been there, done that. I would also recomend a Psychologist over a Psychiatrist. A Psychologist will sit and talk to you for an hour (or so) at a time, and may recomend meds, where a Psychiatrist will talk to you for a few minutes, write out a prescription, and then most likely pass you off to an therapist. Again, been there, ...
I wish you the best of luck, brother. This sounds WAY to much like my marriage, which ended up in flames after I finally decided to pull the pin when she refused to work on things.

 

[IrregularPulse]

Well and see, all the advice I got pre-marriage was that marriage is a lot of work and not all fun and happy all the time. So I guess I expected to have some fights and for her to be angry at me some of the time.

Yes marriage is not ALL fun and happiness, but the majority of it should be! And if this is something that happens occasioanlly, IE once every 4-5 months then it's fine, but this thread comes across as a daily lifestyle.

jesus tap-dancing christ it's not projective identification!!

her mom abandoned her and her three siblings when she was like 11 and came back after long periods of absence every couple years with a different husband. Her father was a drug addict that threatened to kill her mom which prompted her to divorce him AND LEAVE THE KIDS IN HIS CUSTODY.

Eventually her grandparents kidnapped them from her father, obtained guardianship, and cut off all contact between them and both parents so they could have a normal childhood.

Her mom's currently a nurse with a pain pill addiction, her stepdad is an alcoholic, and together the two have a huge gambling problem. They've come to us asking for money and I've flat out refused them which has prompted her mother to decide I'm the bad son-in-law. This compared to my brother-in-law who steals credit card numbers and sleeps around on my wife's sister, whom he has a CHILD with and ANOTHER ALONG THE WAY. Her sister is aware of it, and she F*CKING FORGIVES HIM EVERY ******* TIME because she thinks her kids need a father.

SO YEAH SHE'S GOT ISSUES. It's a f*cking miracle she's as normal as she is. Now everyone please stop speculating that she's got some skeletons she's not telling me about because I think I've got a PRETTY GOOD CLUE.

Another VERY IMPORTANT reason she needs to be in counseling. It's not her fault these things happened to her and she needs professional help dealing with them. It shows nothing about her being damaged or weak, just that she had some hard times as a kid and her ideals about the world are most likely very skewed. She obviously has trust issues and understandably so! I tihnk you too need marriage counseling session, not just planning, and she needs 1 on 1 therapy. If she can get help with these things it will make life much easier.

I would also recommend some personal therapy for yourself while you're at it. You obviously have big issues with self worth which is contributing in a big way to this lifestyle you're accepting. Most of your posts here are asking for our approval of you as a man, talking about your ego, and/or standing up for the woman you're here to complain about when we give you outsider advice. Now there's nothing wrong by ANY MEANS with standing up for wife, you should stand up for your wife. But do not defend the very things she does that you come here to complain about.

It's been several days since you first mentioned Therapy. If you REALLY wanted it, you would at the very least have an appointment scheduled already.

Jeeesuuuus.... Why is it that so complicated?

Let me ask you a question:

1- Did you ever at one point, felt she was madly in love with you, and that she was real nice and kind with you, told you very sweet words and told you that it would be forever?

2- Did you at one point ever really felt you both were being a strong team, felt like you could share just about anything with her, be really at ease talking anything with her?

3- Did you ever feel at one point she had total confidence in your mutual relationship, not being afraid to let you go have a beer or two with buddies knowing she could totally trust you?

If any of these questions is No, then sorry, you got nothing worth fighting for in there.
Fixing something that was never really there is not worth it.
There has to be something in the first place, otherwise, youre just fooling yourself dude.

Sorry to be that direct and raw, but it tears me appart to see a dude in such a sad situation.

I've been married for 5 years now, and before that, i was with her for 10 additional years, it always been a strong team between the two of us, we met at high school while we were still pretty young and even thought we had some tuff moments, we always felt the huge bond between us was the force that was gonna move any freaking mountains that would dare step in our way.

Now i always felt this was something real special, something to work and fight for.

I wish you the exact same thing dude.

This should be standard in every marriage. unfortunately people settle. Be it due to low self esteem not thinking they could get better, The need for a HOT wife not caring about personality, Finanical reasons, whatever.

I'd rather be poor and married to an ugly chick and be Truly HAPPY with life, than be rich and married to hottie and be MISERABLE.

 

[IrregularPulse]

And if you don't like that post, here's the response you initially came here for.

Bernie, don't worry man, things will be okay, this is normal in every new marriage. Marriage is tough, don't beat yourself up, you're doing nothing wrong and it sounds like you got a great woman there. Give her time, she'll come around. you're doing the Manly thing here by honoring your wedding vows. Wedding vows are far more important than happiness.

 

[bernerbrau]

It's been several days since you first mentioned Therapy. If you REALLY wanted it, you would at the very least have an appointment scheduled already.

Look, I HAD the appointment. She either couldn't or wouldn't take the day off to go do it, and the therapist didn't take Friday appointments, which is her day off. I left a message asking about evening appointments, the lady didn't get back to me, and I had other things get in the way so I didn't get back to calling other therapists.

And I'm not on here right now because of anything going down. I just wanted to talk about the fact that she did ok for just one week after this nightmare AND me having a normal chat with a woman and being able to be honest about it without her going nuts.

As far as incidents of the magnitude experienced two weeks ago, yeah, I can say there's 4-5 months in between **** like that going down. Little quibbles over me accidentally calling her fat, not putting my dishes in the sink or leaving my clothes on the floor, griping about my driving or my awkward tendencies in social situations, her passive-aggressive behavior towards every single woman on earth that doesn't have some huge defect or personality trait that makes her unf*ckable ... those are more frequent.

So it's like the other guy said, I know the dings and it's comfortable, and I've learned how to work with the defects, but every once in a while it burns up a nice pair of slacks.

But honestly, if people are really that insistent on me cutting and running, I wonder if there's any respect for marriage left at all. Yeah it's a bitch, but I put myself in this situation and it's not exactly the honorable thing to bail, especially this soon after having made that commitment. Does everyone on this board go around breaking solemn promises because it conflicts with their emotions? If my word doesn't count for **** then what respect do I really even deserve?

And as for firestarter, I have no respect for Kirk Cameron and don't want my money going anywhere near the guy.

 

[Stef1966]

But honestly, if people are really that insistent on me cutting and running, I wonder if there's any respect for marriage left at all. Yeah it's a bitch, but I put myself in this situation and it's not exactly the honorable thing to bail, especially this soon after having made that commitment. And if my word doesn't count for **** then what respect do I honestly deserve?

...Dude... I give up.
We obviously do not come from the same planet.

Good luck.

 

[bernerbrau]

We obviously do not come from the same planet.

God I wish that were the first time someone's expressed that sentiment.

It's crap like that that makes me wonder if I'm even reading the situation right or if I'm instead just clinically insane and unable to correctly recall anything that has ever happened accurately. Hell, maybe I came home and started ****. I was relatively inebriated, maybe I just don't remember. Maybe I'm reading typical girl behavior and totally misinterpreting it.

How am I supposed to know when some people really do suspect I'm nuts?

 

[bernerbrau]

Well **** guys, ya come in here telling a kid who's been married six months to draw up the papers? What did you think was gonna happen? I was gonna go, OK, yeah, that sounds like a great plan! and be a free bird within the hour?

I guess I should have realized that since the majority of people here are either of the "put up or shut up" or "get the f*ck out" mentality, I'm wasting my time.

Especially since several people here have already expressed resignation and probably aren't coming back. Which makes me feel even better because oh wonderful, I've pissed people off with my complaining and by refusing to take their advice and instead of make things better I'm making enemies and burning bridges.

Maybe I'll take the day off and drink. Or on second thought, I guess I'll make that appointment today and go bitch to the therapist. At least he gets paid to listen to my bullsh1t.

 

[the_bird]

I spent way too many years of my life with someone who was crazy and jealous and had all kinds of baggage from a crappy childhood. We both had piss-poor self esteem. We were miserable. The only times we weren't really miserable together was when we were ****ing.

You can't really fix someone's baggage. If she's got all of these issues, she has to deal with them. If she's not ready to deal with them, well... that leaves you in a hell of a bind. If she's not willing to do what she needs to do to be happy (get some therapy), then you need to take responsibility for your OWN happiness.

It sucks leaving someone that you've spent years with. It sucks having to start over, but you're young like I was... if she's not willing to make any effort to get herself "fixed", to get herself in a place where SHE'S happy, you're going to be miserable and resentful and spiteful the whole time you're there. It just isn't worth it.

 

[mmb]

Swear to f*cking christ it's weird nobody seems to respect the whole I vowed to stick it out for better or for worse with this woman so I'd better at least make some f*cking effort because if I make that promise then cut and run at the first sign of difficulty it's gonna be pretty ******* difficult to consider my self a decent human being ever again aspect of this situation.

And I've sat with buddies at the bar who said the same EXACT thing for years. There is no year, two year, five year time frame where you can hit the check box and say "I've worked at it long enough and I'm done". You want to work at having a loving relationship. That automatically makes you a decent human being.

You're getting comments for guys that say "****, that was ME and I lived that for 5 years until I got out." Everyone has to live their own life, but it always helps to look at someone else's mistakes so you don't make the same.