I'm this close to giving up. Seriously.

[david_42]

The other half it's like I've married a serial killer.

Trust your instincts and RUN!

 

[Homercidal]

Seriously, go look into the bi-polar thing. If it's real, it can be very bad for the person and those around them. Med can help!

I feel for you man. But who the hell goes keeps pics of his son doing body shots on a girl from the bar? I think I know who is the weirdo here... This guy is living variously through a younger person.

Also, that description of a body shot sounds pretty lame. I had always imagined there being much more body contact. But then I have a dirty little mind.

 

[broadbill]

No, she's been off the pill for about 2-3 months now so I think the hormones are out of her system.

wait, maybe I missed it...why is she off of her birth control pills? I hope its not for having a child....that is the last thing you guys need at this point, especially if you are having thoughts out how much more you can take, and your options.

 

[madcapstudios]

Bipolar? Bring her to a doctor now while she is still compliant about it. If she gets in another "mood" she may get offended by you suggesting it.

This.

You have a window open right now. Get on the phone and set up an appointment, better yet sit down with her and help her make an appointment. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Go home and do so now.

 

[llazy_llama]

You have a window open right now. Get on the phone and set up an appointment, better yet sit down with her and help her make an appointment. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Go home and do so now.

Seriously. Do it now, or forever wish that you had.

Do it now, and good luck to you both.

 

[HBHoss]

There are a few web sites that have self tests and DSM IV criteria for different disorders. Check them out and see if she fits any of them. DO NOT have a child right now. Gets this figured out first and resolve it to your satisfaction. Then consider children. You are fortunate she at least accepts that she could have a problem. Run with that and get it checked out NOW!

 

[llazy_llama]

Also, if she's off the pill right now, you need to be extra careful. Don't be a fool, wrap your tool!

 

[Boerderij_Kabouter]

So I'm sleeping on the couch tonight, and probably not allowed to go out with "the guys" ever again.

Your wife should learn that if she keeps this stance, neither of you will ever be happy. A very important part of marriage is time apart.

 

[Boerderij_Kabouter]

Yes, it was a stranger, a bar employee in fact, and no we have no kids together.

No offense, but if you worst infidelity is taking a body shot of a bar tender in a bar for fun with your dad........ your wife is crazy not to trust you. If she can't get over that... wow. The next lifetime is going to be tough for you two. Perfection is tough to keep for life

You need to have a serious talk. Don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes in marriage you need to grow a pair and say what you feel. Even if it hurts.

If you're not being honest with each other about your feelings, it is unhealthy.

 

[HenryHill]

I have waited to see more of the story before I made a post.

She IS bi-polar. Yeah, they all are a little, but some, many, are bi-polar and everything that happens is all your fault. There is a lot more of this than most people give it credit. Even if she agrees to actually getting therapy, which is rare because they tend to know they have a problem, but they won't do anything to make it better, she still has to go thru a lot of therapy, take medication, etc, and they usually don't stay with it. It will still always be there, although she may be some better things will never be right with someone who is not on a high functioning level. Self medication; drinking, drugging, will make any discussion even more difficult.

She has many psych issues, and the more of them she has the lesser of a chance that she will get past all of them. Paranoia, delusions, Obsessive/compulsive, schizophrenia; all these things will come out more and more, especially after childbirth. You will always have this between you, and it will take a tremendous toll on you. This assumes that they aren't also abuse issues buried deep down; because that is even more crap to try and contend with.

I've been thru this with someone I spent half my life with. I was helpless to watch her go absolutely crazy. My ex jumped out of the moving Tahoe 1 mile from home, heading up to the lake for the weekend with the boat, after staying home from work, washing both the Tahoe and boat, and loading them up for weekend (manic), because I wouldn't pass a corn harvester that would only be on the road in front of us for less than a mile, because dust was getting on the truck. With my 8 year old watching her from the back seat, she leaped from the moving truck in shorts and a tank top onto severely eroded asphalt. They don't know what they are doing ten minutes from now and they don't know what they did ten minutes ago, in this state. My son and I went up north anyway, and she showed up the next day like nothing ever happened. totally oblivious to the bandages and bruises, then later that night she went back into wack mode.

There are scores of similar stories. I stayed because I had been with her half my life, and had a child with her, so I tried everything to make it work. Once when she got violent with me, I pushed her away several times. She called a friend and said I was beating her like a thug, and the cops come and take ME to jail. For absolutely nothing, but that's how it works. Charges were dropped but the stigma remained to come back at me during divorce. This put me out of the house, without recourse, as soon as she filed. So YOU FILE FIRST.

Counseling was a disaster. She claimed it was all me, so they got her to the point that she would file. I STRONGLY voiced my belief of a physiological problem but they never gave it any credence. It destroyed my life, really hurt my son's life, and she has yet to get any type of help.

You cannot live your life for your family, friends or anybody but yourself. I tried intervention, family Dr., getting her to try Zoloft, everything I could think of, but nothing will get them to help themselves if they don't want it.

The bottom line is, cut your losses now, and GTFO. Protect your assets by moving them to family or good friends, because once they go into divorce mode, amicable goes out the window and her friends will have her try to take you for all you have. Get all titles into another name. Hide cash because you will need it to start over with utilities, rent, deposit, etc, etc, etc. Any soft heartedness will be taken advantage of, so make careful plans and don't fall for 'meet me for lunch so we can talk'. It is a lawyer's ploy to get your stuff.

Been there, so listen. Good luck, it will test you like nothing else ever will.

 

[Boerderij_Kabouter]

Good luck man. At least she was somewhat receptive when you talked to her.

I don't think anyone was trying to be mean calling you a pus5y. Sometimes a guy needs to hear that.

Again, good luck and I hope it works out.

 

[njnear76]

You need to have a serious talk. Don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes in marriage you need to grow a pair and say what you feel. Even if it hurts.

If you're not being honest with each other about your feelings, it is unhealthy.

100% true. A marriage can't survive without trust. God knows I'm not perfect. I can be downright grumpy and frustrated, but I credit my openness with my wife as the reason our boat is not sinking.

You can get through this, but I think you guys might need some help. There's nothing wrong with that. Good luck.

 

[bernerbrau]

Ooh. Yeah no, she's not off the pill because we're trying to have kids. We just switched back to the glove after it became apparent it was playing havoc on her emotions. Nobody's trying to have kids here... sorry if I implied that.

 

[bad coffee]

call me stupid, but was she jealous you'd be doing shots off someone else, or that you weren't doing them off her? Was she feeling left out? Does she have friends she hangs out with?

And I agree with everyone. Get into therapy/treatments now. BOTH of you.

I date crazy women. If you both aren't working on it, it won't ever work.

Here's a line you can try next time she pulls the 'you did a shot' bull****.

"I married YOU"

B

 

[bernerbrau]

Oh yeah, and Zoloft makes her go nuts too. I'm hoping some other medication can control this without turning her into a zombie vegetable...

 

[bernerbrau]

Here's a line you can try next time she pulls the 'you did a shot' bull****.

"I married YOU"

Oh believe me that was the first place I went. But she can't be reasoned with in that particular state. About the only thing I can do is get away from her until she calms down.

At least she doesn't try and deny that it happened. At least she wants to work on it.

 

[farmbrewernw]

Have you ever thought that maybe both of you are really stressed because of you being unemployed and such? I Know my wife and I are going through a transition with her getting ready to graduate from grad school and me hating my job, we have been at each other for no reason at times lately because of the stress. I was talking to my wife about your situation and she thought maybe some of that was going on. Also my wife says that even though she told you that it was OK to come home whenever most women don't mean a lot of what they say they want you to figure out for yourself, stupid I know but it seems to be the way things go.

 

[Beernip]

My 2 cents on this.

The wife and I have been a similar situation a few years ago. She keep bringing up a similar "situation" we had had in the past. Finally I got tired of it and said that she needed to go to counseling to try to get over it because I couldn't handle it anymore. Told her I'd go with her if she wanted. We went, the councilor asked me a few question and then drilled her for an hour on why she wouldn't let it go. Nothing was said that I hadn't said before but coming from a neutral third party seemed make it less threatening. Doesn't get brought up anymore. Agreed, make an appointment today. Better yet have her choose so it's not YOUR councilor but hers.

I also think that you shouldn't give up your guys night. You did nothing wrong and if you give it up her bad behavior wins. Do you want to encourage that? Do you want to live the rest of your life without guy nights while she goes out with her friends?

 

[IrregularPulse]

I'm sorry I missed the first 8 pages of this and I admit I read page 1 and 8. But from the general vibe I've picked up from the Mother Barley Wine Thread and the 2 pages here, you are pushed around to much. I am the last to say "oh be a man, do what you want". I think that mindest is retarded. But it works both ways. If i am off about your relationship then forgive my comments, but the whole, She can stay out till 4 getting pissed drunk, you come home at 9:30 and are no longer "Allowed" to hang with the guys, just proves the serious problem in this relationship.
Part of me says Don't get a divorce because of an argument, marriage is about working through problems, but the other part of me says, if this is the kind of **** she expects to happen, just get out now while you're young enough to start fresh and have nothing (no family) to lose. If you family shuns you for wanting to be happy in life then you have problems with them that already need dealt with.
I rag on your Brownie, but it's all Fun & Games. We should have the chance to be happy in life at least with our partners. Don't settle cause she's hot, Hot don't mean crap when you're old and need someone to be there for you.

 

[HBHoss]

Let's look at what's been presented.
She uses something in the past against you today.
She can do things you can't.
She's extremely controlling. Constant communication.
She goes off on you over the slightest thing and then wants to woo you back.
I think we all agree there are issues here that need resolving.
What do your close friends say/think? If they give you negative feedback do you just nod your head in agreement then tell yourself they don't know her like you do?
Find a good couples counselor and make her go. If she doesn't make the effort then get out 'cause she's just doing it for show and has no intention on changing.
Listen to your friends and put aside the emotion, as hard as that will be.
Been there, done that!

 

[bernerbrau]

Have you ever thought that maybe both of you are really stressed because of you being unemployed and such?

Well, I'm still employed until at least May. But the stress of that could be a factor.

IP -- woulda been good if you read the follow-up She's backed off and (at least I think) I did a decent job of not bending over backwards for her. Also, she feels bad for how she acted and has agreed to do marriage counseling. I'm in the process of setting that up but I've been instructed to call back monday...

Hoss: Like I've said before, I really don't have any close friends right now. And family and friends never get to see this side of her directly, and are thus prone to the "well, I'm sure there's two sides to that story" rationalization. In fact this sort of thing hasn't really cropped up in a long time.

 

[shecky]

Been there, done that!

Me too, Hoss, me too.

Brownie, I hope this works out for you, in whatever fashion is best. From what you've said, I see eerie similarities to my first marriage. It lasted six years, because I mistakenly thought I could save her from herself, that were largely terrible. I don't want to see that happen to you. Get help quickly in some form and then make a quick decision.

 

[Brandon O]

You have an over bearing partner. She is insecure. It's that simple, she has a low self esteem. If she is not pre occupied doing something she enjoys doing with out you......now get this, YOU MUST BE DOING SOMETHING WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!

There are no exceptions to this, that's how insecure people work.

Let me guess, you could care less if she wants to go hang out with some friends or go do some activity with out you. However, she finds you partaking in any sort of recreation with out her unnacceptable.

I'm guessing the only reason you are able to go to a bar and have some brews with some guys is because of the potential link towards a job.

You can choose not to listen to me, but ultimately you will find out. This is almost IMPOSSIBLE to change in a person. You buy plastic surgery for them to make them have a perfect 10 body....it won't work. They will still be insecure. Therapy is the only possiblility but that route doesn't pan out plenty of times. Try telling an insecure person they need to talk to a shrink because they are insecure. Even if they aren't completely offended, Sticking to a therepy schedule is difficult.

Here's my advice. Get rid of her while you have no children. If you have children, it's gonna get complicated and you will not be as happy as you could be in order for your child to be as happy as they can be.

Imagine a girl who has her own friends and interests, some of them seperate from your own. Imagine you want to go to an annual guys druken mayhem celebration on the friday before st. patty's day and instead of her insisting she go with you and make the situation uncomfortable.......get this, SHE JUST HANGS WITH SOME CHICK FRIENDS THAT NIGHT!!!!!

OMG, IT'S so SIMPLE!!! But guess what? It's impossible with a girl like that.

You get a secure girl, who has a life outside of being your wife, and you might actually find yourself missing you wife.

Do you ever miss her? Like if you are at work, maybe she left for the weekend? If you don't miss her from time to time, chances are she's a bugger.

 

[Brandon O]

From what you've said, I see eerie similarities to my first marriage. It lasted six years, because I mistakenly thought I could save her from herself, that were largely terrible.

That's some precious gold right there. Well said. Don't be captain save a ho.

 

[the_bird]

I don't do relationships. I can't handle crazy and I don't play games...not many women out there for me.

It's a good thing that you live right near San Fran, so you've got plenty of options...

 

[farmbrewernw]

Oh by the way my wife says if she really can't get over this and she is always going to be this way you should get out of there.

 

[mmb]

You guys need to get your **** out in the open and counseling sounds like the only way to do that. Chances are the body shot just reminds her of something in her past, and not necessarily something that you did.

Pullin' for you guys.

 

[bernerbrau]

Hard to say she's *always* this way. Last week I stayed out until 8:30, called her on my way home, no problem. Of course that was the first time I'd been out with guys in a while.

Going to have to see how this pans out in the long run.

 

[HenryHill]

Like I tell my son in college, there are a lot of girls out there. A whole lot. Don't let one try to control you or you won't ever be happy. If you see signs of insecurity, manipulation, dual personality, keep looking. There are some that won't give you grief, and there is more than just one that you can live with. Focus on stability.

Having grown up around his mom, he gets it.

 

[DeathBrewer]

It's a good thing that you live right near San Fran, so you've got plenty of options...

I said I DO NOT do crazy...weren't you listening?