(TL;DR)
Hey all, I pride myself on being a good homeowner, a good neighbor and a good friend to those around me. My lawn and landscaping is manicured (I own a lawncare business, so, it kinda has to be), we're welcoming to our neighbors, never loud and always (in fact, too often) willing to lend a helping hand. This is all fine and well, but the new hipster couple that just moved in next door are really trying my patience and getting on my last nerve!
It started almost literally as soon as they moved in. As I mentioned before, I own a lawncare business in town so I made the same offer to them I do all of my new neighbors: to mow their lawn once, for free, while they're getting settled in, or pick back up on the contract I lost when the house sold. They stared daggers through me and said that they 'don't want emissions in their yard', as if we don't share an atmosphere and they don't have two cars parked in the driveway leaking oil. Fine, whatever. I maintain close to 100 lawns a week and about 95% of my block. I'm busy, just trying to be nice!
My backyard is fenced in and in the corner next to their corner I have a nice firewood rack and I rested a small pecan log on my fence (across the corner) to keep it off the ground so it can dry since it didn't fit on my rack. I noticed when I was fertilizing and spraying that the log was gone, and Mr. Hipster sitting in his back yard across the fence from me. It turns out that he didn't like it sitting on MY fence so he threw it into the alley. He then also criticizes the fact that I'm spraying chemicals, applying non organic fertilizers (of course the hipsters are organic) and that my mowers are too loud. Whatever, man. My lawn(s) are pristine, my customers are happy and I hate to break it to ya, but, I've done all my chemical schedules to your lawn for 3 years now so your lawn ain't organic either. But why not say something to me about my log, or at the very least throw it in my yard, not the alley?? I let the log issue roll off my back and gave him the usual 'these chemicals are safe, I'll be done in a minute'.
I was out spraying a couple Wasp nests around my house because I'm terrified of them, they harass my dog and my wife is allergic. They gotta go! Of course Hipster 1 and 2 start berating me again because of chemicals, but also that everything has a place on earth and that they pollinate. Now I'm getting a little thin on patience, so I maintain eye contact with them and continue to spray without saying a word. It's my property and I have very justifiable reasons for killing those winged bastards.
A couple weeks later I'm out trimming and edging my lawn when my weed whacker finds a pile of dog s**t by my sidewalk and splatters it on my shins, my shirt and my FACE!! I angrily shut off the machine, go inside to wash up and change clothes. Come out, finish trimming and jump on my mower. As I'm mowing Mr. Hipster comes over to say 'sorry, man I got distracted' and 'I always forget to bring bags with me' (HIS HOUSE IS 15 STEPS AWAY) and explains his little Chihuahua will only s**t on concrete. I tell him I already chopped it up with my trimmer, he looks at the pieces on my sidewalk and says 'oh yeah, gross, I'm not going to pick that up it has flies all over it already' then picks up his dog and leaves before I can say anything.
At this point I'm about to boil over like an unwatched BK.
The next week, he finds out I used to be a licensed Arborist and he now wants me to trim my tree that hangs over his property line. As much as I hate him, I agree to it even though its HIS responsibility simply because I don't want someone to come hack up my tree. He thanks me and follows up with how I shouldn't use wood chips in my planter beds so close to his house so he doesn't get termites. The next day, he wants me to call one of my friends who still is in the tree business to come drop a load of chips for HIM. I need a beer...
Last week as I'm mowing, I notice about 8 piles of Chihuahua sized s**t in the grass by my sidewalk and since the little dog doesn't walk in grass I know that Hipster f**k is just kicking it into my grass for either me to chop up, step in or have smashed into my mower tires.
I'm about to lose my mind! So, I'm asking you (anyone who has made it this far), how can I get back at this a**hole neighbor of mine and be a 'bad neighbor' without being a bad neighbor. I'm beyond a resolution, now I'm seeking petty revenge! I'm one more pile of crap or backhanded comment about how I do business from jumping the fence and smashing him or chasing him down with a mower (I wouldn't ever actually take it that far)...