Getting Divorced

Williams 728
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I saw two dogs having sex so I went over and asked the female dog how she liked her sex and she was all like RUFF RUFF RUFF.
 
TxBrew said:
I saw two dogs having sex so I went over and asked the female dog how she liked her sex and she was all like RUFF RUFF RUFF.
Click to expand...

And then your kid caught you and your wife in the act and he said, "Daddy! Turn her over...I want puppies!"

ba-dum-DUM!
 
I was named in the tradition of the native Americans. The chief looks out of the teepee, and names the newborn after the first thing he sees, just like Running bear and Screaming Eagle.

Yours,
Two Dogs F#cking
 
A man and wife were in their room having sex, wife on top. Their young son then walks into the room, sees them, and leaves the room. The mother, feeling awful, puts on a robe to go talk to their son. She finds him and he asks "mommy, what were you and daddy doing in there?" The mother says, "well daddys belly is getting a little big, so I was sitting on it to get it to go down." The son chuckles and says, "I wouldn't waste your time mom, when you leave the house the neighbor lady comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!"
 
Thanks again to everyone for contributing to this thread.

I'm taking it one f***ing day at a time. :rockin:
 
Bedlam said:
Best thing that ever happened to me. I am myself again...
Click to expand...

I agree with Jill, it is the best thing I could have done for myself. I have my house back, I no longer have to be a vegetarian, me and my kids once again have a democratic household, we no longer have to be perfect, etc, etc.

Hang in there, soon you will be relishing the fact that you are free to be.................
 
neko said:
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bagels.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I keep having these two dreams. In one I'm a teepee and in the other I'm a wigwam. What does it mean?" The doctor says, "Relax, you're two tents."
Click to expand...

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

What's green and hangs from trees? Giraffe snot.

A guy goes to the grocery store and buys milk, eggs, and bread. When he puts it on the checkout belt, the girl looks at him, then his food, and back at him. She says to him, "You're single, aren't you?" The guy replies, "Why yes, I am. How did you know?" The girl says back to him, "Because you're ugly."

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
 
Three years into a divorce, praying for an end soon. Sooo, here's my joke to contribute:

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his
gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the
water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent
creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.




The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into
that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly
"
 
did you hear the one about the queer bear who laid his paw on the table?

No? Okay, how about this one:

Dude goes to the doctor for a checkup

Doctor says "Dude, you have to stop masterbating"

Dude says "why?"

Doctor says "So I can examine you!"
 
drat said:
A baby seal walks into a club...
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No one would be complaining if they did it on there own. Peta isn't out to stop bug zappers. I think I'm writing to Peta.
 
MaineLotus said:
Three years into a divorce, praying for an end soon. Sooo, here's my joke to contribute:

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his
gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the
water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent
creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.




The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into
that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly
"
Click to expand...


One of the better ones I have read. lol
 
Today was the worst day of my life thus far.

In other news, thanks for the continued advice and jokes.

I would RDWHAHB but I have no HB . . . plus . . . I haven't been drinking since this thing started . . . probably a good idea since it's exactly what I want to be doing right now.

In other news, a spruced brown ale is cooling and awaiting transfer to primary as I type this . . . not all is lost.
 
buenaventura, hopefully you didnt let yourself go ;)

Start working out if you already do not, you will release stress and feel better about yourself. Then you can go get a young thing to help with the pain :rockin:
 
buenaventura said:
Today was the worst day of my life thus far.

In other news, thanks for the continued advice and jokes.

I would RDWHAHB but I have no HB . . . plus . . . I haven't been drinking since this thing started . . . probably a good idea since it's exactly what I want to be doing right now.

In other news, a spruced brown ale is cooling and awaiting transfer to primary as I type this . . . not all is lost.
Click to expand...

Hang in there. A few things that have helped me and perhaps you can use to stay in good spirits:

*Keep yourself busy, it helps to relieve stress and take your mind off things you can't control.

*Prepare for the worst and expect the unexpected. Better times will come.

*Talk with someone, a friend or family member that has been through a divorce. Only those that have experienced a divorce can relate to the pain and upheaval you're experiencing.

*Divorce is a marathon, not a sprint. After three years of trying, I still am not divorced, even though there are no kids involved.

*Have some homebrew.. :) :cross:
 
A man walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the Octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A bloke walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.

Another bloke walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Louis Armstrong. The man pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye canie plae it,can ye?"

The octopus looks up at him and says ........"Play it?.... I'm going to f*ck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off.

--------------------------------------------------

Best of luck. I agree with the work out people. That WILL make you feel better and relieve stress. I might recommend signing up for some sort of martial art. Great people (usually), good work out, and a great way to release tension/frustration/anger in a positive way.
 
jmendez29 said:
A guy goes to the grocery store and buys milk, eggs, and bread. When he puts it on the checkout belt, the girl looks at him, then his food, and back at him. She says to him, "You're single, aren't you?" The guy replies, "Why yes, I am. How did you know?" The girl says back to him, "Because you're ugly."
Click to expand...
I went to see my doctor, he says, "You need to lose 50 pounds, I'm putting you on a diet." I said, "I want a second opinion." The doc says, "OK, you're ugly."
~~ or something like that, from Rodney Dangerfield.
 
Johnny lived alone with his mother, and one day he came home from school to hear some strange noises from her bedroom. He peeked in through the crack in the door and saw his mom, naked in front of a mirror, running her hands over her body and saying, "OOOoooooOOOoo....mmmmmmmmm...I NEED a man! I NEED a man!"

Johnny thought, "that's pretty weird." but just went outside to play and forgot about it.

The next day, he comes home from school and was tearing up the steps when he again heard strange noises coming from Mom's bedroom. Again, he peeked in and saw the same thing: mom, naked, mirror and moaning pleas for a man. This time, he's a bit more freaked out, but thinking like little kids think, he decided to just go out and play again.

Sure enough, the next day, he races home and hears new and different noises from Mom's bedroom. He very cautiously peeks in and lo and behold! There's mom there with a man!

A lightbulb goes off in Johnny's head.

He takes off for his room, strips down and stands in front of a mirror. Running his hands all over his body, he begins to cry out, "OoooOOOoooo...mmmmmmm.....I NEED a bicycle! I NEED a bicycle!"

:D
 
Bedlam said:
Johnny lived alone with his mother, and one day he came home from school to hear some strange noises from her bedroom. He peeked in through the crack in the door and saw his mom, naked in front of a mirror, running her hands over her body and saying, "OOOoooooOOOoo....mmmmmmmmm...I NEED a man! I NEED a man!"

Johnny thought, "that's pretty weird." but just went outside to play and forgot about it.

The next day, he comes home from school and was tearing up the steps when he again heard strange noises coming from Mom's bedroom. Again, he peeked in and saw the same thing: mom, naked, mirror and moaning pleas for a man. This time, he's a bit more freaked out, but thinking like little kids think, he decided to just go out and play again.

Sure enough, the next day, he races home and hears new and different noises from Mom's bedroom. He very cautiously peeks in and lo and behold! There's mom there with a man!

A lightbulb goes off in Johnny's head.

He takes off for his room, strips down and stands in front of a mirror. Running his hands all over his body, he begins to cry out, "OoooOOOoooo...mmmmmmm.....I NEED a bicycle! I NEED a bicycle!"

:D
Click to expand...


I've been doing it for hours, when do I get my bike?
 
I hate divorce. Fortunately the only time I've gotten it's aftertaste was as a small child. I wish it could be washed away.
I've got it past my lips once since but thank God I didn't swallow. My wife has only gotten better after I forgave her.
 
An old man and woman were sitting on a bench at the retirement home.

The old man turns to the old lady and says "Today's my birthday... can you guess how old I am?" The Lady unzips his pants, feels around for a bit and says "86". The stunned old man says "How'd you know?" She relies "You told me yesterday".
 
TxBrew said:
I've been doing it for hours, when do I get my bike?
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Look, I don't know who was supposed to send me a bike, but my chest is getting all red. This is ridiculous.
 
TxBrew said:
I've been doing it for hours, when do I get my bike?
Click to expand...

Talk to yer mama. But I'd wait until Gnomey's done with her first.

pftroest.gif
 
a guy walks into his bedroom holding a duck under his arm. he looks to his wife and says, "so this is the pig I've been fvcking." his wife looks at him and says, "Honey, that's a duck." he replies, "I was talking to the duck."
 
A plane is flying carrying the president, a priest and a Cub Scout as passengers. The pilot comes back wearing a parachute and carrying two more. He throws them on the floor and tells the passengers, "the plane is going down, save yourself" and jumps out. The president says to the priest and the Cub Scout, "sorry guys, but I have a whole counrty to save, so I deserve one of these", and jumps out of the plane. The Priest turns to the Scout and says, "I'm sorry son, but I have a lot of souls to save, I think I deserve the last chute." The Scout says, "don't worry we'll both be fine, the stupid bastid grabbed my backpack!"



The real joke has names and is more vulgar (better), but I didn't think i should post that here.
 
azscoob said:
Hey, he needs a chuckle, and it doesnt work both ways? Be honest!
look back a few posts about why women smile while walking down the asle at their wedding... :D
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Yeah, he did need a chuckle! :) Seems I got the tension released a bit. lol I gotta go back and find the post on the walking down the aisle. :D
 
Hey there, buenaventura.

Went through it a while back myself and it sucked. But on the bright side, I never would have met Red had I not gotten divorced!

Hang in there - it will get better when you least expect it :mug:
 

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