Funny things you've overheard about beer

[Barley_Bob]

There might have been some documentation that would clarify things, but your mom was drunk off her ass while she was breastfeeding you.

 

[BreezyBrew]

Do you really love incredibly roasty Stouts?

 

[hunter_le five]

That sounds turrible.

 

[Bosh]

Do you really love incredibly roasty Stouts?

**** no. That recipe is both rugose and squamous.

 

[Barley_Bob]

**** no. That recipe is both rugose and squamous.

Your mom loves incredibly roasty stouts.

 

[Gameface]

Sounds like the kind of lady with hair on her nipples.

 

[n240sxguy]

My mom believes that stout (and only stout) improves human breast milk production. So when she was breastfeeding me she wanted to drink a stout but didn't want any alcohol so she said my father made alcohol free homebrewed stout for her when I was a baby. I asked her how he took out the alcohol and she said, no he didn't do that he just never put in the thing that produced the alcohol which left me very confused and thinking my father just BSed her.

Then I got my hands on Home Brewing Without Failures by H. E. Bravery, the book my father used to learn how to homebrew and it contained recipes for stout like this:

2 lb. patent black malt
2 lb. crystal malt
1 lb. black treacle
3 lb. white sugar
4 oz. hops
teaspoonful salt
1 oz. citric acid
yeast
nutrient

Excerpts from the instructions (too lazy to type up whole thing):

"Switch on the heater and keep the mash at 145-150 f. for eight hours. You may carry out the starch test at this stage if you want to."

"Add two ounces of hops and the salt. Boil rapidly for one minute and then simmer for forty minutes. Then add remaining hops and simmer for a further then minutes."

"Take readings after five days until reading has dropped to 1.005 and then bottle."

"Some people like this as a drought stout; if you think you would like it, there will be no need to use the hydrometer or to prime the stout. Merely let it ferment right out and then bottle."

So I'm not sure what the hell my father was doing. Most of the recipes on this book use sugar VERY heavily as an adjuct so maybe he didn't put the sugar in and made really low gravity beers with **** tons of patent malt? Dunno.

Wtf was that book? Crock pot beer for dummies? Mash for 8 hours?

 

[Gameface]

 

[n240sxguy]

Nice

 

[Bosh]

Wtf was that book? Crock pot beer for dummies? Mash for 8 hours?

The whole book is full of that kind of howler. I think that one was a typo, but there are ones just that bad that are obviously intended like all of the recipes with two pounds of patent malt.

It was actually one of the most popular homebrewing books at the time which says a lot about the state of the hobby decades back. I'll skim through and post a few more gems.

 

[BreezyBrew]

Hilarious the book is called "Brewing Without Failures" I can taste the irony

 

[BreezyBrew]

You know what would make that recipe really good? Half a gallon of whole milk... for a milk stout.

 

[DoctorMemory]

and it makes the walls all drippy with colors you can hear and/or taste.

So, is that a dragon in the kitchen, or are you just happy to see music?

 

[cannman]

Anyone else think the quick disconnect should come apart faster?

 

[BreezyBrew]

Anyone else think the quick disconnect should come apart faster?

It's like the USB. It takes two hands and multiple tries.

 

[Bosh]

Hmmmm, looks like I was wrong. The 8 hour mash time isn't a typo in Home Brewing Without Failures by H. E. Bravery. It's the standard advice in all of the grain recipes.

Let's flip through and try to find some more groaners...

He's saying that the water that's used for mashing is called "brewery liquor" even though it's just water and is quite insistent about that. I've never heard of that term.

He says that you have to boil the wort after mashing (which takes 6-8 hours) to break down the enzymes or the enzymes would break down ALL of the sugars in the malt so that you'd have to malt flavor left, just hops, alcohol and water.

"The amount of sugar given in the recipes make for good strong beers, that is, beers with a comfortable percentage of alcohol. You can make them weaker or stronger as you wish by altering the amount of sugar accordingly."

By sugar he means white table sugar, a lot of his recipes include pounds and pound of it.

He's saying that using your own malt and hops is more expensive than buying extract which seems strange but maybe things were different in 1965.

Hmmm, now recommendations of using a fish tank immersion heater to keep the wort at the right temperature for all eight hours of the mashing.

 

[biochemedic]

I just heard a waitress at the next table over tell her customers that Dechutes Fresh Squeezed IPA is actually made with fresh squeezed hops... :facepalm:

 

[Zinc_Saucier]

He's saying that the water that's used for mashing is called "brewery liquor" even though it's just water and is quite insistent about that. I've never heard of that term.

And yet the majority of the all grain Brewers here have a HLT (Hot Liquor Tank) as part of their setup. No idea why it's called liquor, but it's pretty widespread

 

[hunter_le five]

He's saying that the water that's used for mashing is called "brewery liquor" even though it's just water and is quite insistent about that. I've never heard of that term.

Ever heard of a "hot liquor tank" (HLT)? That's actually correct.

edit: Zinc beat me to it. Nice "well actually".

 

[gometz]

Calling brewing water liquor id's actually pretty much standard. It's the water you intend to use in the beer instead of the washing water.

 

[Psylocide]

I've mashed overnight... probably 8 hrs. Beer was great.

The rest of the recipe is a different story.

 

[Jayship]

friend: "So, I hear you started brewing your own beer?"
me: "Yeah, been reading up on it for a long time and started really getting into it now that I have some equipment. I've done 2 batches so far."
friend: "Cool. So...what kinda beers did you put into your beers?"
me: "uhhhh...I made a pale ale and a hefeweizen, that's a wheat beer."
friend: "yeah, yeah, but I mean what kinds did you put into them?"
me: "uhhhh...the hops I used were centennial and cascade for the....wait....what?"
friend: "Yeah I now this guy that makes his own beer too, he usually mixes Bud and Molson Ex so it has more taste. So what kinds did you put in it?''
me: ''Uhhhhhh.......uhhhhhhhh......made them straight from grain, with hops and yeast and stuff.''
friend: '' Hahahah...look at this guy, straight from the grain...lol. look at this Bud I'm holding, you see any grain in there? ...straight from the grain...dude you are too funny''

 

[SnakeRidge]

Wow that's great!

 

[hunter_le five]

friend: "So, I hear you started brewing your own beer?"
me: "Yeah, been reading up on it for a long time and started really getting into it now that I have some equipment. I've done 2 batches so far."
friend: "Cool. So...what kinda beers did you put into your beers?"
me: "uhhhh...I made a pale ale and a hefeweizen, that's a wheat beer."
friend: "yeah, yeah, but I mean what kinds did you put into them?"
me: "uhhhh...the hops I used were centennial and cascade for the....wait....what?"
friend: "Yeah I now this guy that makes his own beer too, he usually mixes Bud and Molson Ex so it has more taste. So what kinds did you put in it?''
me: ''Uhhhhhh.......uhhhhhhhh......made them straight from grain, with hops and yeast and stuff.''
friend: '' Hahahah...look at this guy, straight from the grain...lol. look at this Bud I'm holding, you see any grain in there? ...straight from the grain...dude you are too funny''

Sounds like those guys that "make moonshine" by adding flavorings to everclear they bought from the liquor store.

 

[Jayship]

Sounds like those guys that "make moonshine" by adding flavorings to everclear they bought from the liquor store.

Lol. He told me his friend even had it so it comes right out of a tap in the fridge in his basement. Kinda get the feeling his friend is an actual homebrewer with a wicked sense of humor.

 

[Black Island Brewer]

friend: "So, I hear you started brewing your own beer?"
me: "Yeah, been reading up on it for a long time and started really getting into it now that I have some equipment. I've done 2 batches so far."
friend: "Cool. So...what kinda beers did you put into your beers?"
me: "uhhhh...I made a pale ale and a hefeweizen, that's a wheat beer."
friend: "yeah, yeah, but I mean what kinds did you put into them?"
me: "uhhhh...the hops I used were centennial and cascade for the....wait....what?"
friend: "Yeah I now this guy that makes his own beer too, he usually mixes Bud and Molson Ex so it has more taste. So what kinds did you put in it?''
me: ''Uhhhhhh.......uhhhhhhhh......made them straight from grain, with hops and yeast and stuff.''
friend: '' Hahahah...look at this guy, straight from the grain...lol. look at this Bud I'm holding, you see any grain in there? ...straight from the grain...dude you are too funny''

My head just assploded.

 

[SnakeRidge]

Lol. He told me his friend even had it so it comes right out of a tap in the fridge in his basement. Kinda get the feeling his friend is an actual homebrewer with a wicked sense of humor.

Ha! Converting the masses!

 

[RM-MN]

Ha! Converting the masses!

Um, you misspelled perverting.

 

[SnakeRidge]

Um, you misspelled perverting.

No way! Homebrewing is natural, BMC is perverted!.

 

[Jmarsh544]

A stewardess on a recent flight I was on was pouring a red from a north west brewery and the glass ended up being half foam. She looked confused and said "all that foam is because the beer has so many hops in it". Hmmm, I think it's cause you poured it into the glass too quickly after shaking the bottle around while trying to open it...