Brutal doesn't help, constructive does.
Aww
"Neither ESB we're carbonated which was sad, but flavor wise they were both tasty."
My bad really, I did some reading on carbing to style and lowered the pressure on the ESB then bottled with a wand off the keg and lost what little carb was left. My wife, who I make this for, did not like it with the lower carb so I since cranked it up and she happily drank it all. I owe you on this one.
"I wasn't a big fan of the cider, but I haven't looked my own either so there's that. I also like a bubbly, carbonated cider...no carb."
Which cider did you try? I think all of them were still though, sorry about that, we probably wont bottle still any more we all like it bubbly better too.
"Now onto the porter, and it is super! Very light carb, but it works well here.