Arguing with SWMBO...my turn

[EoinMag]

Just ignore everything that bothers you. That's what I do. Don't get angry, don't get bitter. Be happy.

Desiderata! ...

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.​

Strive to be happy. Cheers!

Ah now see there's the problem, he nearly understood it and he went flaccidly.

MIL cut your nuts dude, not good, but hey it's gonna happen, we just get super pissed when it happens, women don't normally seem too bothered.

 

[misterVT]

Sounds like you really want to win this argument with your wife. If that's the case you've already lost. I've had similar arguments with my wife. My wife is quick to shut down and stew in anger. It diminishes my point and I always cool off first. Fortunately when my MIL comes into town it's planned but I still tend to disappear. My wife gives me a hard time occasionally. But if I expect to have some alone time with her, even a quiet dinner, I schedule it with her. That's my way of setting expectations. Don't count on mind reading to get you through your marriage. Be specific often and be patient. She may never see your perspective. She certainly won't if you are keeping score. Good luck!

 

[Great_Neck_Brewer]

You are all missing the point. Family guys was coming on in 10 mins.
No you weren't wrong.

I have the same problem but I have a "get out of jail free" card.
My in-laws speak chinese to my wife and if they start in with that I'm gone because they also speak english.

 

[ChshreCat]

Gotta say I see it the other way. Her mom came by and just because she didn't do it the way you feel she should have you gave her the silent treatment and went out of your way to make your wife's mother feel unwanted in your house. From the way you describe it, it doesn't sound like this is something she does all the time and she may have really been right nearby and just decided to say hello on a whim. It happens. I'd have offered her some food and let her visit. I might have been more annoyed if it was just a friend, but it was her mom.

 

[Danbreeze]

I can understand your frustration. My wife's parents dont ever stop by unannounced, but they do not know when to leave.

My family usually stops by for a few hours, but respects our time and leaves after that. A few Saturdays ago, my in-laws came over and at 1:00am they were still hanging around. I tried cleaning up, yawning, and other things but they didnt get the hint.

I dont mind spending time with them, but like any other working person the weekend is my free time and I have other things to do at 1:00am Sunday morning, like crack my 10th beer

 

[GodsStepBrother]

It's not like you were doing anything important - Family Guy isn't even funny anymore. I could see if you had a meeting and needed to leave, but you weren't doing anything. You should have offered her something to eat and hung out for a while.

This is my first reaction.

It is funny this whole argument seems so alien to me. I guess because of my Mexican upbringing. My father grew up in a ranch in mexico (very poor, and so did my mother they are both civil engineers now and worked their way up. But, because of how they raised me and my brother; we live life without the thought of TV time or alone time with spouse.

There is nothing more important than accommodating a guest, what is mine is all of my friends. I didn’t realize I was like this until my friends brought it to my attention. It doesn’t matter what I am doing if you come to my house the first thing I do is offer food. I will literally drop what I am doing and cook you something, offer you a chair or drink.

Pretty bizarre because my girlfriend grew up in an american family, and is like the majority of you good people. In her eyes there is a time and place for everything, and if someone comes over the time and place has to be set. She is changing though as am I, but we see these differences and play of each other understanding we come from different schools of thought.

 

[Randar]

The thing is, I don't ever remember being upset with either one of them- if Bob leaves the room, he leaves the room. No big deal to me.

THIS.


I don't see how the OP was obligated to sit there and shoot the **** the whole time. He went about his evening.

We would never turn family away that were "in the neighborhood", but I think it's fair for anyone to assume to be expected to be treated as an unexpected guest when they do arrive on short notice or unannounced.

 

[MeatyPortion]

I can't say I find any fault in either your taking exception with this or how you handled it. If my wife's friends or family stop by unannounced then that's the same reaction I'd have towards them. Likewise if my friends or family stop by in that manner my wife knows she's not obligated to hang out. I suggest you sit down and talk to your wife (if you haven't already) and lay down some rules for unannounced company.

 

[jbrookeiv]

Gotta say I see it the other way. Her mom came by and just because she didn't do it the way you feel she should have you gave her the silent treatment and went out of your way to make your wife's mother feel unwanted in your house. From the way you describe it, it doesn't sound like this is something she does all the time and she may have really been right nearby and just decided to say hello on a whim. It happens. I'd have offered her some food and let her visit. I might have been more annoyed if it was just a friend, but it was her mom.

+1, couldn't have said it better myself. My parents and in laws live about 600 miles away, so this isn't a problem, but when I lived in Atlanta with my wife, her parents would pop by occasionally. No biggie, and I really enjoyed having them over.

I would have offered the mom a glass of wine and some food, and let the evening play out. I don't really understand what she interrupted, a sit down dinner? I guess that's not a special occasion for me, my wife and I eat together every night. And Family Guy, really? Tivo, Hulu or BitTorrent take care of that. Not worth the trouble in my opinion.

 

[kjung]

I see the OP's point, but my opinion comes from a biased point of view. Mt mother dropped by unannounced one afternoon, soon after we were married, at a MOST inconvenient time! I told her right then to call first, and she understood. My ex i-l's and I never got along because of their extreme religious views.
We lived in Chicago for the first 12 years of our marriage, and THE ONLY time they came to visit was when we had our kids baptized, and then I had to listen to a half-hour of what was "wrong" with the church ceremony. My ex's brother DID just drop in one Sunday night, claiming to "be in the neighborhood." In reality, he was at a museum 15 miles away, a good half-hour drive!
When we moved out here, at HER insistence, to the town she grew up in, her parents dropped by unannounced on a MUCH too regular basis. When I said something to the ex, she agreed that she didn't like it either, so I told her to talk to them about it. A couple of weeks, and two more "drop-in's" later, I asked them to call first from now on. This caused a HUGE fight, and I, of course, was THE ONLY one at fault.

An already long story short, my reasoning was, "my house, my rules." After 15 years of being disrespected by them, I felt I owed them no respect either.

 

[malkore]

Update: she promised me sexy time if I fix her mom's computer tonight (malware infection), and we're going to to dinner to discuss and reach an understanding (if not an agreement) on the whole issue.

Also I failed to mention this: I'm an only child. Take that how you will, but those of us without siblings definitely have a different slant on things (call it selfishness, or being used to the attention we got as a kid...whatever).

Fact is once I said "You gotta freakin talk to me about this" she realized she does...that we can't fight over dumb ****!

 

[kaiser423]

The problem of you is that neither of you were really wrong, but then neither of you were really right either.

Don't conflate this argument into her family always coming first. Fight fair; this fight is about this fight Her MIL came over unannounced and at a bad time, damn, **** happens. I wouldn't be happy about it either. But people are people and it happens. I wouldn't expect my wife to turn her away at the door.

I wouldn't feel the need to interact, but I would be sure to interact *some*. If not, you look like you're mad and stewing in another room. Drop by once or twice for water or something. Find an excuse to see them and chit-chat for a couple of sentences to show that you're not steaming mad, but keep it shor so that it is obvious that she has interrupted something.

Your wife should realize it's an inconvenience and it's perfectly ok for you to feel like it's an inconvenience and understand that you don't want it to be normal. You should realize that, well, sometimes your inconvenienced, and make an effort to not be mad about it, because well, life and all that. The best laid plans of mice and men....go often askew.

My wife is easily on the phone 30 minutes with her mother pretty much every day. Add in the time with her friends, adopted family, others, etc there are times where I don't even really get to talk to her (at least their used to be). We've talked about it, and she pushed back for a bit, as did her mother (I'm you're mom!), but the bottom line is that I need more than 30 minutes with my wife each evening. It's not ok for me to have to do everything around the house because she's always on the phone, and it's not ok for me to be her chauffer because she thinks that car rides are free time to catch up with people. But it took a while of bending but not breaking and holding firm to get her to realize that she doesn't need 2+ hours of family phone time every evening at the expense of talking to me! Little fights like this were common, but it gets better if you fight fair and do bend adn flex some here and there, but stay consistent

 

[Beernip]

I understand you man. My wife's family drops by waaay too much or calls at all hours of the night which tend to take about an hour or two to finish. I agree with most here that neither of you did anything wrong but you each need to compromise a little on your opinions on how it should have been handled. Unless this is happening 1-3 times a week I don't think it is a huge deal. Once a month I can live with.

For me, if her family shows up unexpectedly I'll let it slide but the wife knows that I'm not going to be expected to entertain them. I'll go do my own thing as if she wasn't there. If we had had "special" time planned together and she is interrupting you occasionally whisper in her ear that she owes you big time for the inconvenience. Don't over use this but it can be a very fun card to play. Getting pissed about it won't help either of you. Just watch family guy and move on.

 

[jtkratzer]

...sexy time...

My wife hates Borat and I find it hysterical how she reacts when I use this term with his voice.

 

[ChshreCat]

we can't fight over dumb ****!

+ eleventy kagillion.

99.9% of the crap people fight over just isn't worth fighting over. SWMBO and I understand that and do our best to remember it. So, when one of us REALLY gets serious about something, the other one knows that it's important and should listen and/or give in.

So many people fight over what to have for dinner or what to do on the weekend or what to watch on tv or who keeps wiping what off on who's pillow case. It's all small crap that isn't worth a fight!

Save the battles for the important things. Like which Star Trek series was the best, or something like that.

 

[passedpawn]

Like which Star Trek series was the best

<--- uh, damn, jealous.

 

[BryanJ]

Im not married but this is a really pathetic thing to fight over. Grow up, and enjoy the time you have with your wife.