Arguing with SWMBO...my turn

[malkore]

Hi, my name is Malkore, and this is my first SWMBO thread...

Gentlemen (and ladies too)...I need to know if I'm being unreasonable, and if so by how much.

Here's the story: Sunday night me and the Mrs. had just sat down with dinner, and Family Guy was starting in 10 minutes, which means it was about 7:50pm.

The doorbell rings...and we're expecting no guests/visitors. Really all our friends call in advance, because we just don't entertain guests a lot. We're introverted I guess.

I answer the door and its my mother-in-law. She just was nearby and said she decided to stop by unannounced...for not reason other than to say hi.

Let me take a step back and state that her family feels compelled to visit each other often, and two whole weeks is an eternity to go by without a half hour phone conversation. However, I do get along very well with the in-laws including mom, who's fairly laid back 90% of the time.

So really, she popped in because she hadn't talked to my wife for 10 days.

She didn't get the hint that we'd sat down to eat...and took her coat off.

So I ate and then left the room. Didn't storm off, just silently left.

A half hour later she finally left and my wife comes in and tells me I can stop being a jerk now.

Fast forward to Tuesday and we are still bickering over this.

I maintain it was 8 o'clock on a Sunday night, and no person with common courtesy would pop in, and then proceed to hang out while you're trying to have dinner. I feel that since its her mother she should have found a way to let her mom know it wasn't a good time to visit.

She maintains its her family and she won't ever tell them its not a good time, even if the visit isn't important.


Its eating at me, mainly because this isn't exactly isolated. When push comes to shove and she has to decide to do something with her family or with me...the family event always wins.

I know marrying her means marrying into the family, but she seems to ignore the fact that by marrying me, I'm family too and that we made vows to treat each other right.

In my book, Family is family and they'll forgive your little petty bull**** because you're family.
But your partner in life always has give and take. I've already apologized for how I handled my disdain for the unwanted visit, and she thinks its settled and she's won even though I told her we still have a problem.

I just want her to admit she shoulda said something and that its not ok for her effing family (or anyone) to come barging in. My family and friends its not an issue, they respect the fact that you just don't invite yourself over, unannounced, without a reason. Domestic quarrel, broke down car...those are valid reasons to interrupt my evening.


am I totally wrong here?

 

[BendBrewer]

There is a big difference between being right and getting laid.

But yeah, you're right. Absolutely. 100%.

How's the sex life the last couple of days?

As my Grandfather would always remind me: "Do whatever gets you laid." He died a happy man.

 

[beninan]

I know where you are coming from, SWMBO and family are the same exact way. 30-45 min phone calls almost every day. Her family comes first, then me. I hear ya buddy.

There was a time when she would go down to her parents house to visit for the weekend (they live about 2 hours away), which is fine. But she went down there every weekend for a month. I went probably one weekend, and now her parents think I hate them.

 

[Acoma]

Seems petty. If you have admitted you shouldn't have got mad then you should not be expecting an apology from her. I'd say just get over it.

 

[malkore]

BTW to prove I still have a man-card, last night (after I agreed to drop it for a while) I totally got some...which was actually supposed to happen Sunday night in the first place if mom hadn't ruined the mood.

So now that I got things squared away, I stepped back up to the plate to finish this little...pissing match?...with my wife.

Ask me tomorrow if I was on couch duty or not after this ends tonight.

Acoma: I apologized for HOW I handled my anger, not for getting angry. What do you propose I do the next time I place second to her family's wants? And the time after that?

I need to put a foot down, or hand over my balls. There's no more gray area. The line is being drawn.

 

[kbuzz]

I have the same issue from time to time...overall though, I love her and I love her family so I don't mind so much. Her dad just made me a copper wort chiller for pete's sake!

I just get annoyed sometimes when I realize that we spend a LOT more time with her family than any of mine. I don't need to see my family but maybe once a month so when I ask, I expect her to be okay with it, but sometimes it's justnot that easy.

I get annoyed when people stop by unannounced...even my own friends or family, but I don't think that you should expect your wife to tell her mom she shouldn't have stopped by...especially if they live a couple hours away and she was in town for some other reason. I would almost be surprised if she hadn't stopped by. I think you might need to just let this one go, man. My two cents anyway.

 

[Nurmey]

Your wife doesn't seem to have any consideration of your feelings in this. That is wrong.

Maybe you need to explain that Sunday evenings are your time to be with her and relax and that you value it.

It's not okay that your are fighting about it and you already apologized for how you handled it so maybe it's time for you to calmly explain it to her. After that, let go of it because it's definitely not worth bad feelings.

 

[cfonnes]

Family is welcome any time.

Spouses come and go, moms are there until they die.

 

[JonW]

Tivo FTW! Seriously, invest in a DVR. We have people drop by all the time while I'm watching a show. I pause and visit for a bit, then back to watching. Also, by leaving it paused on the screen, people know I am being courteous to them, but they also get the hint that I'm watching something and will usually make the visit short.

 

[Yooper]

Well, Bob and I both agree that you are in the right.

HOWEVER- my mom died when I was 14. I would give my left, er, apendage, to have a mom who was so present and active in my life that I could not just talk with her but live close enough to visit. Bob's mom died when he was in his early 20s. So while we can relate (our dinner hour is a precious time- no TV, no phone calls, etc), it's not something that ever would happen.

Bob just said that he would have handled it exactly like you did, and he mentioned that he has done just that when it's happened with relatives and friends. We don't have many close relatives, but my daughter will pop in and sit and visit with me, especially if she hasn't seen me in 10 days or so. He finishes what he's doing and gets up and leaves while I chat.

The thing is, I don't ever remember being upset with either one of them- if Bob leaves the room, he leaves the room. No big deal to me.

 

[malkore]

Family is welcome any time.

(Note: I'm not picking on you at all, you just seem to agree with my wife so here's my basic rebuttal)

Ok, but what if you're in the midst of getting frisky with your wife on the couch? You know, that 5 minutes before you chase her into the bedroom.

If mom rings the bell then, on a Sunday night, that is OK?

I guess that's my problem. For her, no matter what, its never wrong for her family to do something. Its like a zero tolerance policy...dumb and unfair because the world isn't frigging black and white!

Also for the record her parents live in town. Mine live 3 hours away (which is how I like it!)

I just really wish she'd understand that I need some boundaries set.

 

[rdwj]

am I totally wrong here?

Totally wrong. I'd expect my wife to be pissed at me if I pulled something like that and I know I'd be pissed at her if she did that to me.

It's not like you were doing anything important - Family Guy isn't even funny anymore. I could see if you had a meeting and needed to leave, but you weren't doing anything. You should have offered her something to eat and hung out for a while.

 

[burglar]

My $.02, why make it so hard.

If it bothered you that much, explain that you really didn't mean to be a jerk, but were upset that your dinner got interrupted, and leaving the room quietly was the best way you knew how to deal with it. Sounds like you respect your so's need for family contact, just as long as the family respects your need for time with your wife.

Instead of arguing, just figure out a better way that you could handle the situation if it were to come up again - as a couple. The rest will fall into place.

Life is too short to spend it mad.

 

[KCBrewer]

I don't know if I'd rehash the situation. You made it clear how you felt, apologized for how you handled your anger but not for being angry, and she obviously accepted that apology if you got some last night, so I'd say let it go.

If it happens continually, then I'd be more persistent about her telling her mom to announce herself before coming over. But this sounds like a once in a blue moon kind of thing, so no need to start a war over it. And if she thought you were being a jerk, mom probably noticed your irritation too. If she's a decent person that respects your home, she now knows to call first next time.

One thing I've learned from marriage is to control my anger. It gets you nowhere. There have been times where I was 100% in the right, but got so angry that I ended up looking like the ass and having to apologize. As hard as it may be sometimes, it's best to keep things as calm as possible, especially when dealing with family issues.

My .02, good luck!

 

[jezter6]

One thing I've learned from marriage is to control my anger. It gets you nowhere. There have been times where I was 100% in the right, but got so angry that I ended up looking like the ass and having to apologize.

Story of my life.

Single because of it.

 

[malkore]

well, about to head home and try to agree on our expectations. really I just want to be on the same page, because it just feels like she doesn't care that the whole thing upset me.

thanks guys/gals

 

[Jim Karr]

SWMBO and I have known each other more than 30 years, married over 27 of those. Two things I have learned.

Sometimes you have to bite your tongue 'til it bleeds. If those words in your head actually get spoken, you'll never be able to take them back. They will echo for infinity.

Sometimes the best thing you can say is simply, "Yes, dear."


Good luck, buddy.

 

[Whut]

Totally wrong.

I have to disagree here but this is just me and my wife and it works for us. When family lived nearby we had boundries and these boundries dicatated that a phone call was in order before just "dropping by". This has served us well and good luck to you and your SWMBO.

Edit: FWIW, the day I married my wife (22 years ago) my dad gave me the following advice: "remember son, they don't think like we do!"

 

[Bernie Brewer]

Weeelllll, no, you are not wrong.

But that doesn't matter. Not even a little bit.

In the 18 years i was married, my ex never once admitted to being wrong in a disagreement. She said her piece, then gave the silent treatment for about a week, then acted as nothing had happened.

I'm so glad she divorced me..........

 

[Yooper]

well, about to head home and try to agree on our expectations. really I just want to be on the same page, because it just feels like she doesn't care that the whole thing upset me.

thanks guys/gals

I guess that's what it boils down to- not who's right or wrong, but what you both like. I think she DOES care that it upset you, but just can't figure out why on earth you'd be upset.

Her thinking, "So, my mom stopped over. It was so nice of her!" Your thinking, "Why doesn't she see that it's not a good time?!?" Neither of you are wrong, just thinking differently.

Women are different than men, that's for sure. I think it's usually a good thing.

 

[passedpawn]

Just ignore everything that bothers you. That's what I do. Don't get angry, don't get bitter. Be happy.

Desiderata! ...

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.​

Strive to be happy. Cheers!

 

[curlyfat]

I can sort of feel your pain. My wife's mother died about 7 years ago (10 days after our first child was born). Her father and her became very close after that, and I think our son was a kind of therapy to him.

The problem is that we're about 110 miles away. He has a habit of calling and saying, "I'm coming into to town to visit, be there in about an hour." This has always drove me nuts. He can't plan a 110 mile trip even a day ahead of time?! I used to feel obligated to be present, but over the years it's become understood that if I'm there, I'm there. If I'm busy, I'm busy. If I'm sleeping, I'm sleeping (I often work nights). If they go out to eat, I usually stay home, because I value my days off. It took a few years of polite conversation for this to be OK with her and her father, but it all works out.

Now if I could get him to plan his trips with my wife and kids across three states more than a couple days in advance....

 

[cfonnes]

When I say that family comes first my opinion is biased because my wives family is not overbearing.

I have a friend whose mother in law caused his divorce because she was so obtrusive in her daughters life.

 

[Henrythe9th]

This is why I like living 2000mi from my family ,and 2500mi from hers
they couldn't even find my house

 

[jtkratzer]

We rarely have family just drop in...both our families (who live 5 minutes away in different directions) respect that while we're so close, we don't just have a "come on in" sign on the front door. They're welcome any time, but it's our house and we have our own privacy.

I'd say get things right with your marriage and your relationship. When she married you, she left mommy and daddy and that should mean something, as in your relationship is first and foremost.

I guess I'm very fortunate that my wife and I both really enjoy our relationships with our in-laws and we have no problems taking turns for the holidays and working things out to see everyone, even with having an 11 month old. It's nice to have understanding family (and spouse).

 

[malkore]

well, she didn't even want to talk about it. and her sister in law unfriended me on facebook because she stuck her nose in our business again so I blocked her from posting on my wall.

fine by me cuz she's a real piece of work...the only one in the family that really does get under my skin (and wife's, and my mother-in-law's...you get the idea)...but she's mad about that too.

I think that's the biggest problem, she's just not a big communicator, and ends up stewing over things even though she won't admit to it.

 

[jtkratzer]

well, she didn't even want to talk about it. and her sister in law unfriended me on facebook because she stuck her nose in our business again so I blocked her from posting on my wall.

fine by me cuz she's a real piece of work...the only one in the family that really does get under my skin (and wife's, and my mother-in-law's...you get the idea)...but she's mad about that too.

I think that's the biggest problem, she's just not a big communicator, and ends up stewing over things even though she won't admit to it.

Sounds like maybe you have bigger issues with your wife (and her family) than just an unannounced drop in visit. Speaking of communication, it sounds like you've tried, but talking to her about it will probably get you farther than talking to us about it.

 

[Hugh_Jass]

well, she didn't even want to talk about it. and her sister in law unfriended me on facebook because she stuck her nose in our business again so I blocked her from posting on my wall.

fine by me cuz she's a real piece of work...the only one in the family that really does get under my skin (and wife's, and my mother-in-law's...you get the idea)...but she's mad about that too.

I think that's the biggest problem, she's just not a big communicator, and ends up stewing over things even though she won't admit to it.

Your wife should not be discussing marital business with her family. She will never get objective advise from them, they're family. It only serves to foster a negative opinion of you by her relatives.

That said, Mrs. Jass' parents used to stop over unannounced. It really used to bother me. Fast forward a decade +, here's how we finally reached an understanding...I explained I married her, not her family. I like them, enjoy their company, but there are those times I just want to share her company, not her family's. We don't get that much alone time, and when we do, I want to enjoy it. Call it jealousy or whatever.

for us, it was really a communication issue. How I presented my POV made her understand it's not about disliking her family as much as it's about me enjoying her company.

Good luck

 

[jmendez29]

IMHO - You did nothing wrong. But on the other hand, neither did she. It's great that you have family that is that close and that they live so close - of course, that's when things are going well. I think the best you could do from here forward, is to use it as an opportunity to make expectations clear. It's not likely that you will be able to stop a whole family from changing their ways based on your desires. But if the situation were to arise again, then invite the MIL in, excuse your rudeness for eating in front of her and maybe offer her a plate of food if you have any left, listen to the conversation for a few minutes after dinner to be sociable and politely dismiss yourself from the table to watch TV. If they have a problem with that, then they would most definitely be in the wrong. But most importantly is to not have an attitude about it. Ultimately, I see it as just a disconnect between your expectations and hers.

 

[IrregularPulse]

Going just off this one occurrence, I don't see the big deal. It's her Mother. If it was just us and we were sitting down to dinner and my parents came over, I wouldn't expect my wife to expect me to tell them to leave, nor would I expect them to leave.

 

[EoinMag]

Just ignore everything that bothers you. That's what I do. Don't get angry, don't get bitter. Be happy.

Desiderata! ...

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.​

Strive to be happy. Cheers!

Ah now see there's the problem, he nearly understood it and he went flaccidly.

MIL cut your nuts dude, not good, but hey it's gonna happen, we just get super pissed when it happens, women don't normally seem too bothered.

 

[misterVT]

Sounds like you really want to win this argument with your wife. If that's the case you've already lost. I've had similar arguments with my wife. My wife is quick to shut down and stew in anger. It diminishes my point and I always cool off first. Fortunately when my MIL comes into town it's planned but I still tend to disappear. My wife gives me a hard time occasionally. But if I expect to have some alone time with her, even a quiet dinner, I schedule it with her. That's my way of setting expectations. Don't count on mind reading to get you through your marriage. Be specific often and be patient. She may never see your perspective. She certainly won't if you are keeping score. Good luck!

 

[Great_Neck_Brewer]

You are all missing the point. Family guys was coming on in 10 mins.
No you weren't wrong.

I have the same problem but I have a "get out of jail free" card.
My in-laws speak chinese to my wife and if they start in with that I'm gone because they also speak english.

 

[ChshreCat]

Gotta say I see it the other way. Her mom came by and just because she didn't do it the way you feel she should have you gave her the silent treatment and went out of your way to make your wife's mother feel unwanted in your house. From the way you describe it, it doesn't sound like this is something she does all the time and she may have really been right nearby and just decided to say hello on a whim. It happens. I'd have offered her some food and let her visit. I might have been more annoyed if it was just a friend, but it was her mom.

 

[Danbreeze]

I can understand your frustration. My wife's parents dont ever stop by unannounced, but they do not know when to leave.

My family usually stops by for a few hours, but respects our time and leaves after that. A few Saturdays ago, my in-laws came over and at 1:00am they were still hanging around. I tried cleaning up, yawning, and other things but they didnt get the hint.

I dont mind spending time with them, but like any other working person the weekend is my free time and I have other things to do at 1:00am Sunday morning, like crack my 10th beer

 

[GodsStepBrother]

It's not like you were doing anything important - Family Guy isn't even funny anymore. I could see if you had a meeting and needed to leave, but you weren't doing anything. You should have offered her something to eat and hung out for a while.

This is my first reaction.

It is funny this whole argument seems so alien to me. I guess because of my Mexican upbringing. My father grew up in a ranch in mexico (very poor, and so did my mother they are both civil engineers now and worked their way up. But, because of how they raised me and my brother; we live life without the thought of TV time or alone time with spouse.

There is nothing more important than accommodating a guest, what is mine is all of my friends. I didn’t realize I was like this until my friends brought it to my attention. It doesn’t matter what I am doing if you come to my house the first thing I do is offer food. I will literally drop what I am doing and cook you something, offer you a chair or drink.

Pretty bizarre because my girlfriend grew up in an american family, and is like the majority of you good people. In her eyes there is a time and place for everything, and if someone comes over the time and place has to be set. She is changing though as am I, but we see these differences and play of each other understanding we come from different schools of thought.

 

[Randar]

The thing is, I don't ever remember being upset with either one of them- if Bob leaves the room, he leaves the room. No big deal to me.

THIS.


I don't see how the OP was obligated to sit there and shoot the **** the whole time. He went about his evening.

We would never turn family away that were "in the neighborhood", but I think it's fair for anyone to assume to be expected to be treated as an unexpected guest when they do arrive on short notice or unannounced.

 

[MeatyPortion]

I can't say I find any fault in either your taking exception with this or how you handled it. If my wife's friends or family stop by unannounced then that's the same reaction I'd have towards them. Likewise if my friends or family stop by in that manner my wife knows she's not obligated to hang out. I suggest you sit down and talk to your wife (if you haven't already) and lay down some rules for unannounced company.

 

[jbrookeiv]

Gotta say I see it the other way. Her mom came by and just because she didn't do it the way you feel she should have you gave her the silent treatment and went out of your way to make your wife's mother feel unwanted in your house. From the way you describe it, it doesn't sound like this is something she does all the time and she may have really been right nearby and just decided to say hello on a whim. It happens. I'd have offered her some food and let her visit. I might have been more annoyed if it was just a friend, but it was her mom.

+1, couldn't have said it better myself. My parents and in laws live about 600 miles away, so this isn't a problem, but when I lived in Atlanta with my wife, her parents would pop by occasionally. No biggie, and I really enjoyed having them over.

I would have offered the mom a glass of wine and some food, and let the evening play out. I don't really understand what she interrupted, a sit down dinner? I guess that's not a special occasion for me, my wife and I eat together every night. And Family Guy, really? Tivo, Hulu or BitTorrent take care of that. Not worth the trouble in my opinion.

 

[kjung]

I see the OP's point, but my opinion comes from a biased point of view. Mt mother dropped by unannounced one afternoon, soon after we were married, at a MOST inconvenient time! I told her right then to call first, and she understood. My ex i-l's and I never got along because of their extreme religious views.
We lived in Chicago for the first 12 years of our marriage, and THE ONLY time they came to visit was when we had our kids baptized, and then I had to listen to a half-hour of what was "wrong" with the church ceremony. My ex's brother DID just drop in one Sunday night, claiming to "be in the neighborhood." In reality, he was at a museum 15 miles away, a good half-hour drive!
When we moved out here, at HER insistence, to the town she grew up in, her parents dropped by unannounced on a MUCH too regular basis. When I said something to the ex, she agreed that she didn't like it either, so I told her to talk to them about it. A couple of weeks, and two more "drop-in's" later, I asked them to call first from now on. This caused a HUGE fight, and I, of course, was THE ONLY one at fault.

An already long story short, my reasoning was, "my house, my rules." After 15 years of being disrespected by them, I felt I owed them no respect either.