Apparently I have evil gnomes stealing the bear out of my primary...

[DrunkleJon]

What do you get when you cross a bear with a deer?

Saw that one on a tshirt this weekend. And it took me a minute to figure out.

 

[static]

See what happens when you let them out of the fermentor. They grow up to terrorize Octoberfests everywhere.

 

[alpha224]

Though this makes it really easy to get bear steaks and jerky...

 

[NuclearRich]

Is this the pediococcus bear? Is this the mofo that is responsible for those pellicles?

Hmmm.... I don't do sours so I better get some fairies for protection from the **** bear bugs

Which begs the question: Do wild/sour brewers breed the bears to breed the bugs, or do the bugs bring the bear to the beer?

Oh, maybe the bear eats the bugs and prevents them getting to the beer? Hmmm....
Now I have a different idea of what breed the bear might be...

 

[NuclearRich]

Or maybe.....
(grapefruit... or pediococcus??)

 

[jagec]

You can't really brew a Russian Imperial Stout without the bear.

=

 

[HoppyDaze]

I'm going to try to think like a bear while brewing my next batch, so I ordered this:

I am also inviting Man Bear Pig to help with my measurements as to assure I end will the appropriate final volume (post bear absorption)

I'm super serial you guys...

 

[gcdowd]

Super serial.

 

[JLem]

Whoa, whoa, whoa...Man-bear-pig?! I don't remember anyone advocating anything about introducing a porcine element to the process. You're playing with fire my friend. You don't know what you're messing with. The beer fairies will not be pleased. Proceed at your own peril.

 

[cheezydemon3]

Whoa, whoa, whoa...Man-bear-pig?! I don't remember anyone advocating anything about introducing a porcine element to the process. You're playing with fire my friend. You don't know what you're messing with. The beer fairies will not be pleased. Proceed at your own peril.

made the same mistake......damn thing ate all my Brew Fairies

 

[icanbenchurcat]

I could see stealing a whole gallon if you were using your bear arms.

 

[JLem]

made the same mistake......damn thing ate all my Brew Fairies

I don't doubt it. That's what happens when you start messing with the natural gnome-bear-fairy balance by introducing exotic species.

 

[cheezydemon3]

I don't doubt it. That's what happens when you start messing with the natural gnome-bear-fairy balance by introducing exotic species.

yeah just thought I'd save a buck, ended up having to have a whole new brew fairie ranch built.

 

[alpha224]

yeah just thought I'd save a buck, ended up having to have a whole new brew fairie ranch built.

But if you save a buck, you have to save a doe to ensure you will have venison...

 

[cheezydemon3]

But if you save a buck, you have to save a doe to ensure you will have venison...

No no no. I use the buck to attract the bear in the first place. It gets pretty much shredded.

 

[ktm250]

The gnomes steal the bears for this nefarious purpose. Be careful. Place some sharks with laser beams on their heads in your swamp cooler water to defend against bear cavalry.

 

[cheezydemon3]

The gnomes steal the bears for this nefarious purpose. Be careful. Place some sharks with laser beams on their heads in your swamp cooler water to defend against bear cavalry.

THIS^^^

Don't know why I was sheepish to bring up the sharks, but this is exactly why I made the jump to 500000gallon batches. Otherwise the sharks are cramped. (BTW, I just sanitize the sharks and laser beams and toss them in the brew)

 

[ktm250]

THIS^^^

Don't know why I was sheepish to bring up the sharks, but this is exactly why I made the jump to 500000gallon batches. Otherwise the sharks are cramped. (BTW, I just sanitize the sharks and laser beams and toss them in the brew)

Hmmmm.....never thought about bumping up to the 750000 gallon fermenter. That is going to be on my Christmas list this year. Need to pick up an above ground swimming pool for my starters.

So if I increase the size of my batches, can I get the beer faeries to increase in size? Maybe to the proportion of an adult human female. Huh.....

 

[JLem]

THIS^^^

Don't know why I was sheepish to bring up the sharks, but this is exactly why I made the jump to 500000gallon batches. Otherwise the sharks are cramped. (BTW, I just sanitize the sharks and laser beams and toss them in the brew)

Do you throw them in loose or do you use a hop sack? If loose, aren't you worried about them clogging up your racking cane?

 

[cheezydemon3]

Do you throw them in loose or do you use a hop sack? If loose, aren't you worried about them clogging up your racking cane?

The sharks don't fit through my filter, plus they are pretty effing drunk by that point, so they are about useless anyways.

 

[static]

Stray lasers can be dangerous. Hope you use a mirror as a shield during transfer. Now that I think about it, that's probably why the cat is always going nutz.

 

[HawksBrewer]

Do drunk sharks w/ lasers start shooting off everywhere? I mean, are we talking drunk laser toting sharks w/ agendas?

And what about yeast rafts in a 750000 gallon conical. Could I cross the river Styx on one of those bad boys?

What if the shark takes a huge dump in your fermentor, does it sink to the bottom w/ the trub or does it float w/ the yeast rafts?

What if I accidentally ride one of the shark logs instead of a yeast raft?

 

[cheezydemon3]

Do drunk sharks w/ lasers start shooting off everywhere? I mean, are we talking drunk laser toting sharks w/ agendas?

And what about yeast rafts in a 750000 gallon conical. Could I cross the river Styx on one of those bad boys?

What if the shark takes a huge dump in your fermentor, does it sink to the bottom w/ the trub or does it float w/ the yeast rafts?

What if I accidentally ride one of the shark logs instead of a yeast raft?

The lasers are fully automated.

So.......you trust a sober shark not to attack you?

They can be set to detect bears, humans, were-pigs, Pig man thingies, and the bunnies with antlers. Incomplete, but it works amazingly. Do NOT approach the fermenter in a pig costume.

The yeast bergs are hardly solid, unfortunately, you can stay on top of one, but it rather rapidly disintegrates into the styx.

I do get shark padoodoo in the brew, but evidently .005% shark poo and 1.3% shark urine has little effect on flavor, and is far less than the percentage of bear non fermentables found in average beer.

What static? Oh! Yeah sorry about your cat. I'l try to shut the blinds next time.

 

[HawksBrewer]

I do get shark padoodoo in the brew, but evidently .005% shark poo and 1.3% shark urine has little effect on flavor, and is far less than the percentage of bear non fermentables found in average beer.

Do you find that you get better head retention w/ .005% shark padoodoo and 1.3% shark urine? I had read elsewhere (read: newsweek) that the absolute max shark urine percentage should be 1.1% or it starts to get an ocean funk to it. You are truly doing the work of 1000 men experimenting in these regions.

I think a great experiment would be to add a couple of ugly penguins to the primary after active fermentation is complete for the sharks to play with. I reckon they could clean up their mess within the normal 2-4 week time frame, unless filtering were to be used.

This opens the door for a whole new breed of bear beer. One where limits are nonexistent and fairies and gnomes live in harmony. I think you just stumbled onto a utopia.

 

[TheZymurgist]

made the same mistake......damn thing ate all my Brew Fairies

Same here. The good news is, the fairies eventually came back. The bad news is, this is what they looked like:

 

[cheezydemon3]

Do you find that you get better head retention w/ .005% shark padoodoo and 1.3% shark urine? I had read elsewhere (read: newsweek) that the absolute max shark urine percentage should be 1.1% or it starts to get an ocean funk to it. You are truly doing the work of 1000 men experimenting in these regions.

I think a great experiment would be to add a couple of ugly penguins to the primary after active fermentation is complete for the sharks to play with. I reckon they could clean up their mess within the normal 2-4 week time frame, unless filtering were to be used.

This opens the door for a whole new breed of bear beer. One where limits are nonexistent and fairies and gnomes live in harmony. I think you just stumbled onto a utopia.

That 1.1% number it turns out was by weight. not volume.

I find 1.3% to be just a hair low, but to each their own.

And....you are morte right than you know

In my heretofore unannounced underground 950,000,000 gallon lagering tank, there are (drumroll please) actually Killer Whales (with fricking laser beams of course) and ACTUAL, GENUINE Polar Bears!! All in my Hell's Wrath lager, the 450 IBU lager I have going right now. Can't wait to see what flavor they impart!!

(people think their habitat is in danger, lol, when actually, over half of the world's polar bears are in my basement!!!)

The killer whales have to eat, so I do have 2 colonies of penguins living on 2 of the bigger yeast bergs. Maybe 1000 birds in all.

On top of all of that (hopefully imparting no flavors) I have 2 camera crews from National Geographic also in the fermenter. They are planned to live in there for the 2 years this brew will take to ferment.

Same here. The good news is, the fairies eventually came back. The bad news is, this is what they looked like:

Brother.....those.....dear god......those are effing gnomes! *facepalm*

 

[TheZymurgist]

Brother.....those.....dear god......those are effing gnomes! *facepalm*

Those are the freakin ugliest god aweful gnomes I have ever seen. What's worse is when they get all handsy after they've been drinking all day. Don't get me wrong, I haven't had a bear problem since they came around, but sometimes they can get a little pushy.

 

[cheezydemon3]

Those are the freakin ugliest god aweful gnomes I have ever seen. What's worse is when they get all handsy after they've been drinking all day. Don't get me wrong, I haven't had a bear problem since they came around, but sometimes they can get a little pushy.

Ugly gnomes......you thought they were fairies!!!

 

[TheZymurgist]

Ugly gnomes......you thought they were fairies!!!

Even if they are gnomes, you could certainly call them fairies. Or bears, for that matter. Come to think of it, they might represent the bear-fairy-gnome synergy all in one.

 

[cheezydemon3]

Even if they are gnomes, you could certainly call them fairies. Or bears, for that matter. Come to think of it, they might represent the bear-fairy-gnome synergy all in one.

Thank you Dr Frankenstein.