I'm broccoli and I look like a tree!!
I'm cauliflower and I look like a brain!!
I'm mushroom and I really hate this game!!
I'm cauliflower and I look like a brain!!
I'm mushroom and I really hate this game!!
Stupid Joke Thread!
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You play with me at night before going to sleep. You can’t get caught fiddling with me at work. You only let a select few people touch me. What am I?
Your phone.
Your phone.
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If I miss, I might hit your bush. It’s my job to stuff your box. When I come, it’s news. What am I?
The paperboy.
The paperboy.
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What four-letter word begins with “f” and ends with “k,” and if you can’t get it you can always just use your hands?
A fork.
A fork.
What starts with an "F," ends with a "K" and generally leads to a lot of excitement when you see it coming?
Fire trucK
Fire trucK
What did the one potato chip say to the other potato chip at the bar?
You Frito-Lay?
You Frito-Lay?
The teacher asks the class to tell a story with a moral.
Little Betty raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Betty replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Sally went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Sally replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Bill fought in the war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a bottle of Rum, a machine gun and a Knife. On the way down, he drank the bottle of rum. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his knife and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his knife broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Bill when he's been drinking."
Little Betty raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Betty replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Sally went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Sally replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Bill fought in the war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a bottle of Rum, a machine gun and a Knife. On the way down, he drank the bottle of rum. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his knife and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his knife broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Bill when he's been drinking."
fisherman1: Seen a head floating down the river one time while fishing. Weird thing was it was singing.
fisherman2: Really what was it singing?
fisherman1: I ain't got nobody.
fisherman2: I seen a one armed man fishing from a tree once.
fisherman1: Did he catch anything?
fisherman2: I think so, but he fell out of tree before he finished showing me how big.
fisherman2: Really what was it singing?
fisherman1: I ain't got nobody.
fisherman2: I seen a one armed man fishing from a tree once.
fisherman1: Did he catch anything?
fisherman2: I think so, but he fell out of tree before he finished showing me how big.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
Thats cute, but how do you pick up peanuts with it?
Thats cute, but how do you pick up peanuts with it?
What did the elephant say when he say tarzan coming over a hill?
Here comes tarzan over the hill.
Here comes tarzan over the hill.
What did the elephant say when he saw tarzan coming over a hill wearing sun glasses?
Nothing, he did not recognize him.
How do you know if an elephant was in your fridge?
By their fingerprint in the butter.
How do you know if an elephant had safe sex in your backyard?
Your trash can liner is missing and there is a quarter on the lid.
Nothing, he did not recognize him.
How do you know if an elephant was in your fridge?
By their fingerprint in the butter.
How do you know if an elephant had safe sex in your backyard?
Your trash can liner is missing and there is a quarter on the lid.
Have you heard about the new wallets made from elephant foreskin?
If you rub them they turn into a suitcase.
If you rub them they turn into a suitcase.
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Someone broke into the police station last night, and stole all the toilet seats.
The investigation is ongoing, but as of the last report, they have nothing to go on.
The investigation is ongoing, but as of the last report, they have nothing to go on.
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Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?
He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
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How did the Irish Jig get started?
Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
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How do you start the St Patricks Day parade in the ghetto?
Roll a 40 down the street!
Roll a 40 down the street!
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"I named my pee-pee 'Guinness'.
Ye can see 'e's 'angin' out.
And when 'e saw ye with 'is eye 'e went from pale to stout!"
Ye can see 'e's 'angin' out.
And when 'e saw ye with 'is eye 'e went from pale to stout!"
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Why does it suck being an egg?
1. You only get laid once
2. You only get hard once
3. You only get eaten once
4. The only one that wants to sit on your face is your mother
1. You only get laid once
2. You only get hard once
3. You only get eaten once
4. The only one that wants to sit on your face is your mother
homebrewer_99
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Marriage is like a deck of cards. It starts off with hearts and diamonds and in the end you wish you had a club and a spade...
AkTom
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Why do men die before their wives???
Because they want to.
Because they want to.
homebrewer_99
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Why are divorces expensive? BECAUSE THEY'RE WORTH IT! LOL!
Why was Helen Killer such a bad driver?
Because she was a woman.
Because she was a woman.
I saw on the news that Mark Conditt, the Austin bomber, blew himself up today.
They said he had dandruff. Police found his head & shoulders in the back seat.
/On a fast train to hell.
//Aisle seat, please.
They said he had dandruff. Police found his head & shoulders in the back seat.
/On a fast train to hell.
//Aisle seat, please.
A family of moles are in their burrow when the poppa mole says "I think I smell someone cooking roast beef" and pokes his head up out of the hole. Momma mole pokes her head through the hole and say "I can smell roasted potatoes too" . The baby mole tries to poke his head through the hole too but can not because his parents are block the way and say "All I smell is molasses"
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A couple is married for 47 years and the woman dies. At the funeral, the pallbearers swing the coffin, which hits a wall. From inside the coffin, the woman yells, “Oh, my God!” She lived another four years. She dies again. The pallbearers are swinging the coffin. The husband yells, “Watch out for the wall!”
A guy has erection problems that Viagra can't fix, so he goes to the doctor.
The doc tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are deteriorating and there’s nothing he can do unless the guy is willing to try an experimental surgery. The doctor tells him they can graft part of a baby elephant's trunk to replace the damaged muscles.
The guy decides to go ahead with the procedure.
The doctor performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "enjoy his new sex life."
The guy takes his new girlfriend out to dinner at a nice restaurant. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It becomes unbearable and since he figures no one can see him, he unzips his fly. Immediately, his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.
His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a huge grin on her face. “That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?”
With his eyes watering and a pained expression on his face, he replies, “probably, but I don’t know if I can stand another dinner roll going up my ass!."
The doc tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are deteriorating and there’s nothing he can do unless the guy is willing to try an experimental surgery. The doctor tells him they can graft part of a baby elephant's trunk to replace the damaged muscles.
The guy decides to go ahead with the procedure.
The doctor performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "enjoy his new sex life."
The guy takes his new girlfriend out to dinner at a nice restaurant. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It becomes unbearable and since he figures no one can see him, he unzips his fly. Immediately, his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.
His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a huge grin on her face. “That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?”
With his eyes watering and a pained expression on his face, he replies, “probably, but I don’t know if I can stand another dinner roll going up my ass!."
When I heard the joke it was a couple dinner rolls and a potato.
Your friends are wilder.
Hey, that's my dad you are taking about.
A dog walks into a saloon in the old wild west and orders a whisky. The bartender tells him they don't serve dogs and to get out but the dog just sits there at the bar. The bartender tells the dog again to leave or he would shoot him. The dog repeats his request for a whiskey so the bartender pulls out a gun and shoots the dog in the foot causing the dog to run out yelping.
The next day the dog returns looking angry and says "I'm looking for the guy that shoot my paw!"
A dog walks into a saloon in the old wild west and orders a whisky. The bartender tells him they don't serve dogs and to get out but the dog just sits there at the bar. The bartender tells the dog again to leave or he would shoot him. The dog repeats his request for a whiskey so the bartender pulls out a gun and shoots the dog in the foot causing the dog to run out yelping.
The next day the dog returns looking angry and says "I'm looking for the guy that shoot my paw!"
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An egg and a slice of bacon enter a bar...the bartender says: Get outta here... we don't serve breakfast.
A termite bellies up to the bar and points: Is the bar "tender" here?
A termite bellies up to the bar and points: Is the bar "tender" here?
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A guy walks into a bar and orders 10 tequila's and a beer. He drinks them down and leaves.
The bartender is impressed.
The next night the same guy enters and orders 10 tequila's and a beer. He drinks them down and leaves.
The bartender is impressed again and thinks to himself, since i'm a good bartender I have to remember that guy.
The next night the same guy enters and the bar tender says "10 tequila's and a beer".
The guy says, no thanks, not tonight. Just the 1 beer.
The bartender asks: why?
Well, last night I got home and I blew chunks.
The bartender says, you know we've all had that happen when we drink a bit too much.
The guy says, no, you don't understand...Chunks is my dog.
The bartender is impressed.
The next night the same guy enters and orders 10 tequila's and a beer. He drinks them down and leaves.
The bartender is impressed again and thinks to himself, since i'm a good bartender I have to remember that guy.
The next night the same guy enters and the bar tender says "10 tequila's and a beer".
The guy says, no thanks, not tonight. Just the 1 beer.
The bartender asks: why?
Well, last night I got home and I blew chunks.
The bartender says, you know we've all had that happen when we drink a bit too much.
The guy says, no, you don't understand...Chunks is my dog.
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Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu." When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still servin' breakfast?" When she says Yes, he replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon ON END-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee." Indignantly the waitress says, "We don't serve that kinda stuff in here!" Guy says, "Funny... that's what I had in here yesterday..."
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A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up stretches and pulls out a gun shooting everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."!
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to **** that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to **** that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."
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A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a beer, and another, and another, etc., until finally the bartender asked him to leave. He walks out the side door, and a few seconds later, he walks in the front door, sits down, orders a drink, and the bartender asks him to leave. He gets up, walks out the side door, and comes back in the front door and is asked to leave. This happens about eight more times, and on the ninth, the man exclaims," How many bars do you work in, man?!?!?!?!
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