Hmmm......
Stupid Joke Thread!
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Hmmm......
Thanks, some pretty funny stuff here. As a former Walking Dead fan, those memes made laugh so hard I cried.
Coral!
Coral!
OP
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What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
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What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
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Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Two guys are walking down the street. A robber walks up to them and holds them up at gunpoint and says "Give me all your money." The one guy then pulls out his money and shows his friend who is standing next to him and says, "Hey bud here's the 50 bucks I owe you" and then hands the robber the money.
smurfjuice
Well-Known Member
Did you hear about the kidnapping in town ?? ... they woke him up ... 
I was sitting at my desk, making calls to customers. I dialed a number of who I thought was a woman, and a man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is So-and So and could I please speak to _______?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.
I managed to track down the woman's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with her, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk.
I decided to call it again. When the same person answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.
He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me - I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice. "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.
A couple of weeks later, there was an old lady at the mall really taking her time pulling out of a parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot.
I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling,
"You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me and walked into the mall.
I told myself, this guy's a jackass; there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number.
Back in my office, I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
"I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Dan _______"."
"When's a good time to catch you, Dan?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Dan, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Dan, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Dan's number to my speed dialer.
Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call!
After a few weeks of that fun, I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a new solution. First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!" but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Dan ________."
He said "Where do you live?"
I said, "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
He said "I'm coming over right now, Dan, you'd better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the police action going on down 1802 W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
Glorious!
If you want to watch two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news....
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.
I managed to track down the woman's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with her, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk.
I decided to call it again. When the same person answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.
He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me - I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice. "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.
A couple of weeks later, there was an old lady at the mall really taking her time pulling out of a parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot.
I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling,
"You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me and walked into the mall.
I told myself, this guy's a jackass; there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number.
Back in my office, I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
"I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Dan _______"."
"When's a good time to catch you, Dan?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Dan, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Dan, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Dan's number to my speed dialer.
Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call!
After a few weeks of that fun, I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a new solution. First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!" but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Dan ________."
He said "Where do you live?"
I said, "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
He said "I'm coming over right now, Dan, you'd better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the police action going on down 1802 W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
Glorious!
If you want to watch two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news....
OP
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That's a perfect revenge story if I've ever heard one before. Doubt it could be topped.
It sounds like a modern day Clint Eastwood movie. The one western where he pits two families (American and Mexican) against each other and makes money on top of the fiasco.
A Fistful of Dollars was an unofficial remake of Akira Kurosawa's Yojimbo.
Just like The Magnificent Seven was a remake of Kurosawa's Seven Samurai.
As usual, the original is better than the remake (IMHO)...
Funny you mentioned that. I just binge-watched the "Man with no name" trilogy the other day. I had almost forgotten how weird A Fistful Of Dollars was. Classic. Not a fan of most westerns, but love the spaghetti westerns. Saw them as a kid.
Here is a couple of stupid jokes for you.
Why didn't the pirate take a shower before walking the plank? Because he knew he would wash up on shore!
What is a pirate's favorite letter? They really love the "C"!
Why didn't the pirate take a shower before walking the plank? Because he knew he would wash up on shore!
What is a pirate's favorite letter? They really love the "C"!
Seems the true punishment of walking the plank to a pirate is not death at sea it is being washed up on shore.
Peg leg pirates like the letter P, because it is like a Arr with one leg.
When a reporter asked Marilyn Monroe what she wore to bed, her answer was "Chanel #5".
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked from the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope.
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked from the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope.
Did you hear about the dumb girl who wanted to trade her menstrual cycle in for a Honda?
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My son will be amused to do this one... I will be shamed for making him potty talk.
Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
How do you reuse a condom?
Turn it inside out and SHAKE THE bless out of it.
Turn it inside out and SHAKE THE bless out of it.
A gambler riding a Shetland pony brings a dog and a parrot into the betting shop....
The parrot flies over to the bookie and squawks "Put $2 on Seabiscuit to win."
"Wow a talking parrot" says the bookie.
The dog ambles over to the bookie and says "put $6 on Secretariat to win"
"Incredible, a talking dog!" exclaims the bookie.
The pony trots over to the bookie and just stares at him.
Finally, the bookie asks the gambler if the pony is going to speak.
The gambler says, "no because he's a little horse."
The parrot flies over to the bookie and squawks "Put $2 on Seabiscuit to win."
"Wow a talking parrot" says the bookie.
The dog ambles over to the bookie and says "put $6 on Secretariat to win"
"Incredible, a talking dog!" exclaims the bookie.
The pony trots over to the bookie and just stares at him.
Finally, the bookie asks the gambler if the pony is going to speak.
The gambler says, "no because he's a little horse."
vanishingpint
well- known member
Went to the liquor store Saturday on my bike. Bought a fifth of Jack Daniels. As I was putting it in the basket I thought dang if I dump the bike it will break. After thinking about it I drank it all right there. Was a good decision cause I fell off my bike six times on the way home.
Not sure where to put this.
Fight club scene after Meatloaf dies, "his name was Robert Paulson..."
But if his name was Robert Paulsen, he would have been the voice actor of Yakko Warner and Dr. Otto von Scratchensniff on Animaniacs, Spike in The Land Before Time, Raphael in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987), Donatello in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) and Pinky from Pinky and The Brain.
I cant help but get a visual of Meatloaf looking to Tyler Durden and saying "Gee Brain, wata we gonna do tonight!?"
Thank you for indulging me.
Fight club scene after Meatloaf dies, "his name was Robert Paulson..."
But if his name was Robert Paulsen, he would have been the voice actor of Yakko Warner and Dr. Otto von Scratchensniff on Animaniacs, Spike in The Land Before Time, Raphael in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987), Donatello in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) and Pinky from Pinky and The Brain.
I cant help but get a visual of Meatloaf looking to Tyler Durden and saying "Gee Brain, wata we gonna do tonight!?"
Thank you for indulging me.
gunhaus
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Two muffins cooking in an oven. The first muffins says to the second muffin, "My God it's HOT in here." The second muffins said, "OH MY GOD! A talking muffin!"
I was excited to visit the new zoo that opened up in our city the other day. Turns out the only animal on exhibit was a dog.
It was a shih tzu.
It was a shih tzu.
GHBWNY
Well-Known Member
A pair of jumper cables walks into a brewpub and notices a sign above the bar that says, "We Don't Serve Jumper Cables". In spite of it, the jumper cables plead with the bartender to serve them a beer. Finally, the bartender relents and says, "OK, I'll serve you as long as you don't start something."
A duck walks into a store, picks up a tube of lip balm, and places it on the clecks counter. The clerk says," that'll be $2."
The duck says," I'm out of money till pay day. Can you just put it on my bill?"
The duck says," I'm out of money till pay day. Can you just put it on my bill?"
Yeah I beat you to that one. Nice to see another fan of 2 & a Half Men on here, though.
gunhaus
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HA! That's what I get for reading from the back forward! Actually i got that one from my nephew but now i know the source!
Hey, I got that forward too. I think it was back in the late 90s
A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says "No Dogs Allowed" The guy says that it's a talking dog. Bartender calls BS. The guy says, if I can prove the dog talks, will you buy us both a drink?
Bartender doesn't believe him, but lets him try. The dog jumps up on the stool, and the guy asks the dog "What's on top of a building?" Roof!
"What's on the outside of a tree?" Bark!
"Who was the greatest baseball player ever?" Roof!
The bartender yells at them to Get Out!
On the street, the guy looks at the dog and says "Well, you blew it again"
The dog says "You think I should have said Gehrig?"
Bartender doesn't believe him, but lets him try. The dog jumps up on the stool, and the guy asks the dog "What's on top of a building?" Roof!
"What's on the outside of a tree?" Bark!
"Who was the greatest baseball player ever?" Roof!
The bartender yells at them to Get Out!
On the street, the guy looks at the dog and says "Well, you blew it again"
The dog says "You think I should have said Gehrig?"
GHBWNY
Well-Known Member
My uncle was a magician. One day he was walking down the street and turned into a restaurant.
Sillybilly
Well-Known Member
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
what?
On a guys first night in prison he hears people yelling out a number then the other inmates would laugh. The guy asks his cellmate what is happening and his cellmate explained that people have already heard all of the jokes and have assigned numbers to them all and just numbers instead of telling the full joke. The new guy then yells out a few number, 55, 82, 200 but nobody laughs. He asks his cellmate why no one was laughing and the cellmate replied "It is not the joke, it how you told it".
Brewenstein
Well-Known Member
Dam(n)!
JONNYROTTEN
Well-Known Member
What do you call 2 lesbians in a closet?
A liquor cabinet
A liquor cabinet
Brewenstein
Well-Known Member
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A mega-sore-ass.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A lick-alotta-pus.
A mega-sore-ass.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A lick-alotta-pus.
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