Is this wrong? My wife got mad at me..

Yakima 728
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MIL's can be a real PITA. My ex's mom was over all the time doing crap like you described above. Although it was a pain it wasn't one of the major reasons that we got divorced. Just a major annoyance.

I suggest that you have a heart to heart with your wife about how you felt about the situation. Don't place blame or point fingers, just let her know how it made you feel and why.
 
When dealing with this sort of thing it is important to avoid stating opinions or feelings as fact. When you do that it usualy comes off sound like blame or anger, neither of which is conducive to adult dialoge and problem resolution.

Consider this:

You left my tools in the sink and that will ruin them.

vs

When I saw my tools in the sink it made me angry because I was afraid they'd be ruined.


or

The kitchen was a disaster and the job was half done and not at all done they right way.

vs

I'm feeling overwhelmed by the scope of this project now, particularly since I wasn't included in the planning or allowed to take part in the decisions that were made.


I'm just saying that sitting down and thinking very carefully about what to say so that nothing you say is stated as fact is important to defusing the situation. These phrasings don't mean that you are 'giving in' or letting her have her way. It doesn't mean you are 'letting her off the hook, either. You're jsut epxressing your perspective without making any judgements outside yorself. It's HARD to do but its worth it.

DON'T try and work out a conversation with her or 'script' how the conversation will go. Just find the 3-5 things in this situation that happened and frame in terms of how they affected you--- like my examples. the conversationw ill go where it goes and if you try to build a converation you will end up derailed -- that will end less than optimally.


On the other hand, when you start being honest with yourself if you find that what's really going on is that you don't love this woman, at least find enough decency in your soul to try and end it nicely.
 
jeez, 'bout time Dr. Phil-kob showed up. Took you long enough. :D I was just thinking the other day how this thread needed some abject levelheadedness like only you can provide ;)
 
Making an apology is not a matter of giving in, giving up advantage, or losing the battle. There is no battle here, at least not between you and she. One apology often leads to another, and then y'all can work this out.

On the other hand, if this is a matter of trying to maintain or gain advantage, then y'all should probably just stay apart.


TL
 
TexLaw said:
Making an apology is not a matter of giving in, giving up advantage, or losing the battle. There is no battle here, at least not between you and she. One apology often leads to another, and then y'all can work this out.

On the other hand, if this is a matter of trying to maintain or gain advantage, then y'all should probably just stay apart.
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If you are engaged in a relationship with someone be it a friendship or something more and you have to think in terms of 'advantage' or 'battle' then the odds are you are doing it wrong.

Sometimes it is easier to talk about 'battle' or 'advantage' when discussing how to compromise but if that's the only way you can think about your relationship then you are not talking aobut love, you are talking about a transaction. Now I imagine there's some super-capitalist nutjob or 'Ayn Rand-ian' philosopher out there who might try to convince you that every healthy interaction between people is a 'transaction' but if you look at people who are truly happy together these days, you'll find that isn't how they approach each other.

If you absolutely have to think in terms of 'winning' consider this: if you can successfully participate in the negotiation of a resolution that leaves you both happy, you win.
 
Crap like this used to happen in my marriage all the time, and I finally know why. It's because guys like me, (and maybe you), give in to our wive's demands as though we are their subordinates.

Anything she wanted, I gave it to her. One day, I looked all through my house and realized that nothing in it was mine. With the exception of the garage in the basement, you would never know that I even lived there. I guess when you piss your pants it'll only keep you warm for a short while.

I left my wife right after New Year's this year, and I've never been happier. I'm not saying you should do the same thing, but I am saying you should do a good job of stating your case and acting like a man. Stay calm and don't punk out if she starts throwing a fit and yelling. Freedom is an amazing thing, but I'm sure it pales in comparison to being in a great marriage.

Just my 2 cents.

bob
 
Evan! said:
jeez, 'bout time Dr. Phil-kob showed up. Took you long enough. :D I was just thinking the other day how this thread needed some abject levelheadedness like only you can provide ;)
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Dr. Phil-Kob! LOL!

Dr. Kornkob rocks in my book! :rockin:

Fantastic insight into the situtation and advice that can be used by all.

Thanks Doc!
 
EdWort said:
Dr. Kornkob rocks in my book! :rockin:

Fantastic insight into the situtation and advice that can be used by all.
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Dr. Kornkob, that's funny.


I've burned my share bridges in the past. I've thrown the baby out with the bathwater. I've gone on angry rants that culminated in me blaming everyone but me for what's going on around me. I've kept my expectations to myself but then expressed my disappointment when people failed to meet expectations they were never aware of.

None of those things ever did me any good except to teach me that that strategy doesn't work.
 
bobjenkins79 said:
Crap like this used to happen in my marriage all the time, and I finally know why. It's because guys like me, (and maybe you), give in to our wive's demands as though we are their subordinates.

I'm not saying you should do the same thing, but I am saying you should do a good job of stating your case and acting like a man. Stay calm and don't punk out if she starts throwing a fit and yelling. Freedom is an amazing thing, but I'm sure it pales in comparison to being in a great marriage.

Just my 2 cents.

bob
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Amen, Bob.

By leaving with her mother she's challenging you to come after her. You're ALREADY in the battle Texlaw mentioned whether you like it or not. One of you has to crack or its over. Now you have to decide what you want; to crawl back and let her dominate you with a threat she knows is effective, or stand your ground.

I'm surprised she hasn't already used the third option. It's been my experience that when they expect you to apologize/make up and you don't, they try to give little nudges. She'll phone or show up and be civil but not mention the event at all. This is supposed to be your invitation to patch things. Go ahead and do that, but not with an apology. Be kind, but firm.

If she doesn't come back to you, then you were done anyway and the fight was never really about the MIL or the cupboards. In this case trying to patch things up by apologizing, group hugging, or sobbing into her shoulder would only delay the inevitable.

Watch for option 3.
 
I dealt with the whole 'running away' to separate for a while, and IMHO - it's the beginning of the end. If you can't deal with your arguments and stay living together without running away for days/weeks/months/years every time things get rough - then it's probably not really a marriage at all.

Maybe I have a sour taste, but I don't think running away from the issue was the way to resolve the problem, and if that's the way people want to resolve problems, then they will continue to do it whenever it's convenient for them.
 
"don't you love her when she's walking out the door, like she did one thousand times before" -Jim Morrison

-that would describe my marriage & we are very happily married. Just make sure you do the right thing, take charge, and make her want to come back. She will always want to walk out and run away from the problem, but that is not a good solution, take charge and solve the problem (for me that sometimes means being an ass and not taking her bull****, but that depends on the situation).
 
EdWort said:
Dr. Kornkob rocks in my book! :rockin:

Fantastic insight into the situtation and advice that can be used by all.

Thanks Doc!
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I'll second that. Kornkob, the love Doctor..........:rockin:
 
Ok so she's not my wife, but my girlfriend just threatened me with the business end of a vacum...

+1 for laziness...(forgetting to do dishes, and talking on HBT)
 
I read through the whole thread and i feel that i have to add that there is a problem when your wife leaves because of a disagreement. I'm not saying you have a terrible marriage but thats troubling that she would actually leave because you lost your cool. What would be most important would be to go over there and apologize to her, and then to MIL and then to step FIL and attempt to rectify this. I wouldnt say blow smoke, but some sort of hot air would work. I would also offer to help them out with any home improvement repairs they have. I would then address with your wife, in a calm, not at her MIL house, the issue of her "running away".

I dont know why, but that would bug me that she just packed her **** and left. It would make me wonder what the hell i had actually done to deserve that. It would be a signal, to me, of larger problems.

If you have a relationship that can handle joking around, just tell her you thought the paint she used wasnt all that great and you decided to rip out all the cabinets from the kitchen, blow out a wall, and add a home theater. Just tell her you thought it would be better for the house.

but seriously, i would have a major problem with the running away. no matter if she was right or wrong, its just not a great way to handle problems.
 
bobjenkins79 said:
Crap like this used to happen in my marriage all the time, and I finally know why. It's because guys like me, (and maybe you), give in to our wive's demands as though we are their subordinates.

Anything she wanted, I gave it to her. One day, I looked all through my house and realized that nothing in it was mine. With the exception of the garage in the basement, you would never know that I even lived there. I guess when you piss your pants it'll only keep you warm for a short while.
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So you're saying the fact that I still have my convertible, have the garage for all my big projects, half the laundry room for my brewery, a closet for my grain, hops, beer bottles and kegs, and a library/office for reading in peace is a good sign, eh? ;)


As for the OP, I can only tell you that a little buttsex goes a long way toward getting a girl to chill out. In my experience, if it's a minor tiff, just give it to her in the pooper and she will calm down for a few days until things blow over. Seriously. On the other hand, if she's seriously and legitimately upset, you might have to take kornkob's advise.

Cheers!
 
[Sir Humpsalot]So you're saying the fact that I still have my convertible, have the garage for all my big projects, half the laundry room for my brewery, a closet for my grain, hops, beer bottles and kegs, and a library/office for reading in peace is a good sign, eh? ;)
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Sounds like you're doing alright:)

As for the OP, I can only tell you that a little buttsex goes a long way toward getting a girl to chill out.
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Noted. I guess I've just never really had the desire for all that. I mean, you're like 4 millimeters from the greatest place on earth; why not just go there instead?
 
bobjenkins79 said:
Sounds like you're doing alright:)


Noted. I guess I've just never really had the desire for all that. I mean, you're like 4 millimeters from the greatest place on earth; why not just go there instead?
Click to expand...

Because it makes the girl chill out. It's weird. I don't understand it. But it works.
 
SWMBO wears the pants in my family. She ORDERED me to build a brew hut this month. She FORCED me to fly in my brother-in-law architect/carpenter to help while she and my sister watch and drink beer & wine.

I've been HENPECKED into picking the weekend of April 25th for ground breaking. I've been TOLD in no uncertain terms to GET THIS DONE.

Now I have to got to Home Depot & Lowe's.

What can I do to redeem myself and manhood?
 
I dont have a MIL so that part is easier for me... but I can relate to the part about ignoring the plan you had previously established (weekend when you were off work) and making a huge mess by doing it herself (inviting MIL and FIL over to "help")

I am the type that wants things done PER. FECT. LY. If some ******* is going to "help" then I would rather not work on it at ALL until I have full control over the situation. It's my house, I'LL be the one to damage it when I mess something up. Not some ******* relative that says "oops" when they strip every screw in yr kitchen.

Sorry they didn't respect your planning. I know its rough. Other people are a drag.
 
If five years of marriage have taught me anything it's that: whatever you did, it was wrong.
 
Haha, I wasn't paying attention to the thread date... Noticed it after the post and just hoped it would slip silently into the night.
 
I shouldn't admit to this, but this morning I checked out this thread and got 3 pages in before I realized it was a Very Old Thread. I even thought about posting a thread rez comment...

Fast forward to this afternoon, when I clicked on new posts and once again started reading. I guess I was too interested in finding out what the MIL had done to remember that it was an old thread.
 
HBT_Zombie_Thread.jpg
 
I see absolutely nothing wrong with bottling or making beer. A double header is always a good thing. For whatever it's worth, my wife always talks to her mom (which I despise) on a more-than-daily basis. She hasn't left to go stay over there yet, although I wish she would sometimes.
 

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