Do I Really Want To Be A Parent?

[Trencher]

I guess we've reached that point in our lives, because SWMBO keeps bringing it up... She's ready to get pregnant and has a hard time accepting that I still feel a little leery of the prospect. I had never fully considered the idea of raising a child before, and now that I do it feels really intimidating. I am very protective of my free time, my peace and quiet, and my lazy weekends. Having a kid seems like it would completely destroy all of those aspects of my life. How do the parents out there still find time to brew, or do the other things you enjoy? How much of my own life would I have to give up to become a parent, and will I get it back while there's still time to enjoy it?

Why did you decide to become a parent?

 

[jspence1]

Lots of good, lots of bad. If you wait until you think your ready it will never happen. I have three kids, has it changed my life? definitely, Would I change it if I could? NO.

You'll have days when you'll wish you could shove them back where they came from and 10 seconds later you'll get an I Love you and it will seem like the greatest day of your life.

I think the single greatest thing about kids is they love you even when you act like an *******, unconditional love from them to you and from you to them. It was the best bad decision of my life.

 

[Boerderij_Kabouter]

If you are talking about your wife here, I hope you guys talked about this before getting married. If not, well I'll save it.

I think being a parent depends entirely on the type of people you and your wife are. I know many people who went into shells after having kids, never went out, and were always trying to cater to their kids. I also know people who have no problem taking their kids everywhere.

Parenting is a dynamic thing and it all depends on you (OK a little on you child's disposition ).

Personally, I have never had a better time in my life than the first month and a half of my daughters life. I have never brewed so much and still see my friends and do everything I did before. Now to temper that, my wife and I never went to big party bars or out to crazy things. We prefer quality bars filled with quite people, good music, and better beer and/or wine. I.e., the places we went to before we can go to with our daughter.

We take her out to eat with us just as much as before. Now, if she cries one of us has to sacrifice and go outside with her or to the car or whatever until she calms down, but that is a small sacrifice IMO.

Sibella, has helped my brew 3 times in her first 6 weeks of life and will be brewing her first Am. wheat this coming weekend.

So basically it is up to you. If you think fondly of being a father and teaching a child about life and how to be productive in it, go for it. Unwrap the soldier and get 'r done.

If, however, you are not excited or TRULY ready to be a father, please do the rest of us a favor and wait!!! I am strongly against people procreating out of guilt for letting down a spouse or partner. Parenting takes a team, and if one parent is not playing or not interested it will ruin your relationship. You should talk over parenting styles and all sorts of stuff before making the decision, and being confident and excited when you decide it is time.

These are all just my opinions of course. What do I know, I am just a punk kid.

 

[johnnyc]

I'm right there with you my wife is 2 months pregnant right now because she's ready, not so much cuz I am. Taking a while to set in and I too am jealous of my free time and lazy weekends. I'm sure it will change after the fact and it won't matter so much then but for now... Just wanted to let you know you weren't alone and I'm in the same boat.

 

[shecky]

Doesn't sound to me like you're quite ready yet. Think about it some because being a parent will destroy your life if you blame the child for taking away the things you like. It's much better to wait than to project your feelings toward an innocent child or your wife.

That said, once you become a parent you won't care as much about the other things. It's an amazing transformation. But you can still find time to do things. It's just a bit more work.

 

[Boerderij_Kabouter]

True. I brew now with a baby in my arm, a babychair near by, a bottle in the hop fridge, and a baby byorn at the ready

Actually, I do almost everything like that. It really is incredible, just ask Evan! and The Pol.

 

[The Pol]

I have three kids now, one is just 3 days old.

I have time to do all that I did before, because I have a wife. We share the responsibility and we still have free time. Though, I will assure you that you will ENJOY the time you have with your kids. They can be little brats, but kids are generally what you make them... you have a big role in controlling who they become.

My wife wakes up with the baby, because she is a stay at home mom, that IS her job. I have a job, one that is not condusive to naps... unlike hers... so she gets up at night, I rest.

I still brew, SWMBO insists that I have MY time... because I am the head of the household, because all of this that we have here would not be possible without me. Keeping me happy and fulfilled, is important to her... so I dont feel that I miss out on much.

BUT, if you cannot take care of yourself (financially or emotionally), then there is no reason to bring a child into that life. I have some neighbors who are in debt to thier eyeballs, they are very impulsive and short sighted... and they are now pregnant. They are in thier 30's, but they are kids... having kids. They are not responsible for themselves, so thier kids will see this and likely be just as irresponsible.

My .02.

 

[Boerderij_Kabouter]

I have three kids now, one is just 3 days old.

I have time to do all that I did before, because I have a wife. We share the responsibility and we still have free time. Though, I will assure you that you will ENJOY the time you have with your kids. They can be little brats, but kids are generally what you make them... you have a big role in controlling who they become.

My wife wakes up with the baby, because she is a stay at home mom, that IS her job. I have a job, one that is not condusive to naps... unlike hers... so she gets up at night, I rest.

I still brew, SWMBO insists that I have MY time... because I am the head of the household, because all of this that we have here would not be possible without me. Keeping me happy and fulfilled, is important to her... so I dont feel that I miss out on much.

BUT, if you cannot take care of yourself (financially or emotionally), then there is no reason to bring a child into that life. I have some neighbors who are in debt to thier eyeballs, they are very impulsive and short sighted... and they are now pregnant. They are in thier 30's, but they are kids... having kids. They are not responsible for themselves, so thier kids will see this and likely be just as irresponsible.

My .02.

word. Although I think my wife would kick me int he pants if I told here I was the head of the household

 

[deepsouth]

if you wait until you think you are ready, you will likely never have child.

i say go for it!

 

[The Pol]

Well, I dont TELL my wife that I am the head of the household... she sees me as such. I make all of the family decisions. I take her input and consider it, but there is no doubt that decisions in our house are made by me in the end.

I am lucky to have the SWMBO that I have.

 

[GilaMinumBeer]

She's ready to get pregnant and has a hard time accepting that I still feel a little leery of the prospect.

So, then the real question isn't do "you" want to be a parent. The real question is are "you" going to be the father of her child?

I am very protective of my free time, my peace and quiet, and my lazy weekends. Having a kid seems like it would completely destroy all of those aspects of my life.

As am/did I. But I quickly realized that both Mum and the kids eventually go to sleep and on a pretty regular schedule. I restructured "my time" to after hours and have been really content in that respect.

How do the parents out there still find time to brew, or do the other things you enjoy? How much of my own life would I have to give up to become a parent, and will I get it back while there's still time to enjoy it?

Why did you decide to become a parent?

I take a day off work at least once a month to brew. I am the only drinker so, that works for me. I keep 5 taps wet so, I have a variety. I only drink about a pint a nite. I also still buy packaged beer too.

I never saw having kids as "losing part of my own life" once they were here. In fact, they have done more to enrich my life than has anything else. I am more active and health conscious, I take greater enjoyment from the little things, I am more open to changes, and I am less rigid in my "schedule".

"Getting it back" will largely depend on you. As I eluded to before, you need not necessarily lose it.


My wife and I were married for well over 8 years before the topic of children really ever came up. For us, she was the one not interested but I was never actively set on the idea either. Next thing you know she mentions wanting kids, I realize I am in my near mid 30's, rationalize my career to myself, and we agree to "work on" having kids. It was a long time before the announcement came and to be honest, unexpected.

Now, I am thrilled to have 2 boys and adore being a father, dad, freind, judge, juror, and executioner to them. My time works itself out. But what I wasn't expecting, and bugs me the most, is that I miss my wife and have minimal "alone time" with her. That bit really sucks but, it's not the kids who are to blame. She and I both have to make an effort and taht is where we fail. But, our marriage is solid so it too will work itself out.

 

[Yooper]

if you wait until you think you are ready, you will likely never have child.

i say go for it!

I feel exactly the opposite! If you aren't delighted by the prospect of having a child, and can't see the rest of your life without one, then don't have a child.

I feel that only people that really want to have children should have them. If you're ambivelant at best, then I would say that having a child is not a good idea.

Your life will change forever. In my case, it was a great thing, but I wanted children badly. You're talking about total care of another human being- raising them to adulthood to be responsible adults. The financial cost is huge- college right now is $15,000 a year and will probably be triple that in 18 years. Not just college, but food, clothes, daycare, a bigger car, etc. As much as the financial cost, there is the emotional cost. There is great reward, too, of course.

Think carefully, and don't have a child just because you get "talked into it". If you truly want a child, that's one thing. But if you're not sure, then don't do it.

 

[chefmike]

I guess I will echo similiar sentiments.

My daughter is now 15 months old. I work evenings and my wife works nights. We both still work. We split care of the kiddo.

I think that is important to communicate clearly (in marriage in general, but with a kid for sure). I try to make time available to my wife for her to do things she enjoys, and she does the same for me. I have adapted my brewing and now do it in the morning instead of night. I have to plan things carefully, as it helps me finish quickly and effciently.

I do not always enjoy being a parent. Some times it is hard to react selflessly when I desire to be selfish. And that is what the adjustment to being a parent is.

Are you ready to train a child and sacrafice for both the child and your spouse? Is your spouse ready to do the same? Spend some time talking about how you will split up care, feeding, childcare for date nights, when the kid goes with you, discipline, EVERYTHING.

I am really enjoying being a parent. It has been an interesting adjustment, but much like going all grain, I find myself thinking "hey, this is not so bad!" It just takes planning, care and a little help from your friends.

 

[deepsouth]

I feel exactly the opposite! If you aren't delighted by the prospect of having a child, and can't see the rest of your life without one, then don't have a child.

I feel that only people that really want to have children should have them. If you're ambivelant at best, then I would say that having a child is not a good idea.

Your life will change forever. In my case, it was a great thing, but I wanted children badly. You're talking about total care of another human being- raising them to adulthood to be responsible adults. The financial cost is huge- college right now is $15,000 a year and will probably be triple that in 18 years. Not just college, but food, clothes, daycare, a bigger car, etc. As much as the financial cost, there is the emotional cost. There is great reward, too, of course.

Think carefully, and don't have a child just because you get "talked into it". If you truly want a child, that's one thing. But if you're not sure, then don't do it.

it's all good. we just have different opinions. i never thought about kids and my wife couldn't see caring for a child, but it happened by accident and it's the best thing in the world to both of us and that "instinct" they talk about kicked in and she's an awesome mom.

 

[The Pol]

I have this to say.

You cannot really tell if you want kids, if you have never had them... you have NO idea what it is really like. You hear stories, but those are just that.

The fear of having kids, is based on heresay... not on what you KNOW... I mean what do you KNOW about having kids?

Last summer I was apprehensive about having #3... but he is here and I feel so blessed. I cannot wait to teach him all that he needs to know to be a responsible and debt free man someday

 

[GilaMinumBeer]

I cannot wait to teach him all that he needs to know to be a responsible and debt free man someday

Maxed out the credit card again didn't you? Cashed out the IRA to cover the debt too I bet. So, it's #3 that on his own financially huh?

 

[Boerderij_Kabouter]

Wait, I thought deficit spending was the new best thing to do?

sorry badly off topic.



but funny

 

[hammacks]

I think there is some difficulty when seeking advice that ranges from "go for it", and "not until you're 100% sure". As someone who had a son at a very young age, let me add:

1) I think becoming a parent should leave anyone nervous/anxious, at any age. There isn't a reason to feel like you are ready to be a parent right now, you have no experience. It's a learn on the job thing. Just take care to work to think/reflect over how you raise your future kid.

2) I've never had any regrets. I don't miss anything really. My young years (who am I kidding - my current years) have been very fulfilling and happy. A big part of that is, like others have said, the way you and SWMBO interact and give each other 'free time'. Some days I brew and work on different projects. Today she laid out in the sun in peace for a couple hours.

 

[FireBrewer]

I restructured "my time" to after hours and have been really content in that respect.

Bingo. And really it hinges on your relationship with your wife. If it's a good relationship that promotes mutual respect and understanding, you should have no problem getting your time (as long as you're willing to take the kids and give her time in return) I get plenty of me-time and plenty of brew time, in part because I give it right back. Of course, mine are almost 6 and 4 so they're fairly self-sufficient (moreso than a baby). They both like to help me brew so more often than not, the wife even gets some alone-time while I'm brewing! Win-win.

You cannot really tell if you want kids, if you have never had them... you have NO idea what it is really like. You hear stories, but those are just that.

More true words haven't been spoken. It's a complete life change. I don't know what I did with all the free time I had before becoming a parent. But I wouldn't have it any other way. It's just something you have to experience for yourself to appreciate. The best thing that ever happened to me was becoming a father.
Cheers!

 

[carnevoodoo]

Tell your wife you need a 2 week vacation by yourself. Go off, get a vasectomy, and come back telling her you're willing to try. Profit.

 

[IrregularPulse]

First off I think you're wife needs to respect your not being ready yet. She herself just now became ready and she expects you to all of a sudden be ready too?

Me and my wife talked about kids from the early days of dating. We both knew we were both going to have kids someday and we talked about our opinions about how kids should be raised, Mother/Father roles, discipline, ect. We realized we were on the same page for the majority of it. After being married 5 months (Had been together 5 years before wedding) we decided to start trying. I now have a wonderful son who will be 1 in less than 3.5 weeks.
Of course I don't have as much free time as I used to, but it's because I come home from work and truly want to spend the next 4.5 hours with him until he goes to bed. Projects don't necessarily get done if they're not uber important, but I never want to look back and think, "If only I could have spent more time with him". I still brew once a month and that is enough. (just stepped up to 10G batches). I play disc golf occasionally and she has her time with friends. Most of our friends have kids also around the same age and we're all hermits so we enjoy an evening at someone's house for dinner over the bar scene. This is key. I think if I was still in the mood of going out every night, having a kid would cause me to resent them because i would see it as them taking that away and an innocent child should not be blamed for anything.
You've just got to be ready for a life change. Not saying you can't go out. We have taken our son out to dinner and everywhere since he was 3 days old. It's just that the things we prefer to do now happen to be kid friendly. It really is a different life but better than I could have ever imagined.

As much as I love being a parent, it's not for everyone, and you should not feel bad or anything negative about not wanting children. Do not let anyone guilt you into it.
This may sound ridiculous, but if you don't already have one, suggest getting an inside dog. They're not near the work and time consumer of a child, but you get an idea of the upkeep and responsibility to care for something else completely dependent on you. You get a small taste of not being able to pick up and leave on a moments notice. It's easier to find out that lifestyle is not for you with a dog that only lives 10-15 years or can ultimately be given away to someone else.

 

[FireBrewer]

I dunno. I've had dogs for the majority of my 35 years and I don't think caring for one is anything like taking care of a child. You can't lock a kid in a crate and leave (and get away with it, anyway )

As much as I love being a parent, it's not for everyone, and you should not feel bad or anything negative about not wanting children. Do not let anyone guilt you into it.

Absolutely. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids. It's definitely not for everyone.

 

[ohiobrewtus]

I have 4, and I've brewed my ass off this year. It's all about give and take. I've brewed a lot but haven't had time for other things that I enjoy like golfing. My wife and I make sure that we each have time for ourselves to do the things that we each want to do on our own.

She wants a day to go shopping and lay out in the sun on the deck - no problem, I'll watch the kids. I want a day to brew 45 gallons of beer - no problem, she'll watch the kids.

We were never much for going out to bars and such anyway, we're perfecetly happy spending friday and saturday nights at home playing with the kids or watching movies, etc. Sometimes it's not about having kids, it's about growing up. Even without kids, I'd rather stay home and drink homebrew than go out to a bar and deal with a bunch of aholes.

 

[IrregularPulse]

I dunno. I've had dogs for the majority of my 35 years and I don't think caring for one is anything like taking care of a child. You can't lock a kid in a crate and leave (and get away with it, anyway )

I know dogs are a lot easier The point was, if you find you do not like the time that having a dog takes away from you, you can give them away and you will know definitely a kid is not your idea of a happy life. a kid is a dog x 1000.

it's about growing up. Even without kids, I'd rather stay home and drink homebrew than go out to a bar and deal with a bunch of aholes.

+1 to this.

 

[FireBrewer]

a kid is a dog x 1000.

At least. But I'd worry a little more if one of my kids started humping my friends' legs.

 

[Bobby_M]

What's a lazy weekend?

If you want to retain a lot of your free time, I hope you have a good network of family members that would just love to hang out with your kids for a while. I'm lucky that I do have that. My in-laws are retired so both kids have a weekend sleepover once a month. My parents will take the kids for a full day somewhere. If you don't have that, and can't afford a babysitter sometimes (or don't trust them), the kids are your life.

I don't know if that's really enough to suggest you shouldn't have kids. I mean, what you thought was a priority before becomes kind of stupid and unimportant after you have a kid. They are your life and you USUALLY love that fact.

 

[FireBrewer]

I mean, what you thought was a priority before becomes kind of stupid and unimportant after you have a kid. They are your life and you USUALLY love that fact.

QFT.