Sheep jokes

Why do scottish men screw sheep on the edge of a cliff?
















They push back harder..
Why do scottish men wear kilts?


















So the sheep don't hear the zipper!!

Two sheep herders are flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the
engine fails and
the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground.
SH1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!

SH2: What about the sheep ?!?

SH1: Fuch the sheep !!!!

SH2: (pause) Do you think we have time?

velcro gloves

It is rumoured that wellington boots are worn to put their back feet in.


...oh and Sean - How do you tell if a Scotsman is a McDonald? Lift the kilt up and you should find a quarter pounder.

Montana: Where the men are men, and the sheep are scared.

Why did God create women? Because sheep can't cook...

How many of you hail from the fair city of Edinburgh?

…

So, have you noticed how North Edinburgh golfers putt like this (legs stiff) and South Edinburgh golfers putt like this? (knees bent)

Eh?

…

Oh, I see Willie's not funny unless he's down on his knees, scooping up your little brat's puke!

Thank you, you've been great!!!

Sheep lie!

Jack and Mack are both on leave from the Army and are heading to Jack's house for the break. Jack keeps telling Mack how great the girls are in is home town and how they are both guaranteed to score. After being at Jack's house for several days and not seeing a single girl around town, Mack asks, "Where are all the women you were telling me about?". Jack replies, "Well, mom says that they have all gone off on some sort of religious retreat and won't be back for a month. Don't worry though, because I know something even better!" The next thing that Mack knows, he's standing in the pasture looking at Jack's herd of sheep. Jack tells Mack how sheep make the best lovers because of there docile, sweet, and trusting nature. Furthermore, their body temperature is higher than a woman's so it makes for a particularly hot session.

Mack needs some further encouraging so after seeing what a great time can be had, as shown by Jacks repeated endeavors, he decides to give it a go (after all, their leave is almost over and he's getting a little desperate... OK a LOT desperate).

So Mack grabs a sheep and tries to give it a go. After a few minutes, Mack turns to Jack and says, "I don't know man, this just doesn't seem to be working for me."

Jack walks over and grabs the sheep buy the head and stares into it's face for a few minutes and replies, "Well no wonder, you picked the ugliest damn one!"

dibby33 said:

It is rumoured that wellington boots are worn to put their back feet in.


...oh and Sean - How do you tell if a Scotsman is a McDonald? Lift the kilt up and you should find a quarter pounder.

Click to expand...

Dibby33, I once asked a farm boy about the boot thing and he confirmed it. He says, being raised in the country, that he "****ed everything on the farm except the tractor, and he would just sit in the seat and jack off"

Rick

How did the Scotsman find the sheep in the tall grass?














VERY SATISFYING:cross:

TOOOOOOOOOO drunk to type all this BUT here it goes:


Farmer John was arrested for Animal Husbandry. His brother john came to him and said: "I have 2 lawyers for you. One is $100 and the other is $700. The $700 lawyer is the best at picking a jury,


So farmer John picked the $700 lawyer and it went to trial... ...

The prosecution called pastor Tommy.

PROSECUTORastor Tommy, Did you go by farmer Johns farm yesterday?

Pastor Tommy: Yes I did.

PROSECUTOR: and what did you see?

Pastor Tommy: I saw farmer John committing animal husbandry with a goat, and when farmer john completed... .... the goat turned around and licked his testicles.

Then the foreman of the jury turned to the bailiff and said "A good goat will do that to you you know"

What do you call 4 montana ewes tied off at a post?










A brothel.

Whats the difference between the Rolling stones and a Scottish shepard?










The Stones sing, "Hey you, get off of my cloud." A scottish sheppard screams, "Hey McCleoud, get off of my ewe!"

deathweed said:

Whats the difference between the Rolling stones and a Scottish shepard?










The Stones sing, "Hey you, get off of my cloud." A scottish sheppard screams, "Hey McCleoud, get off of my ewe!"

Click to expand...

Thank you for waiting until I swallowed my coffee...

Two Kentuckians are driving along a highway when they see a sheep with its head stuck in a fence.
The first one says, “Heyyy, here’s our chance to have some fun!”
The second one pulls over and they get out of their car and go over to the sheep.
Sure enough it’s head is stuck firmly in place and there is no escape.
The first one says, “I’m gonna have me a little piece of that…” he then dropped his pants and began “servicing” the sheep from behind.
When he was done, he looked at the second one and said,, “Okay,, it’s your turn now.”
The second one gave the first one a smile and said,, “Whoooohoo, I’ve always dreamed of this!” He then dropped his pants and stuck his head in the fence next to the sheep and said, “Go ahead, and take your time!”

A man walks into his house carrying a sheep under his arm. He turns to his wife and says, "This is the pig I **** when you aren't around". His wife says, "I hate to tell you, but that ain't no pig". The man replies, "I wasn't talkin' to you".

Did you hear that the folks in Wyoming say they came up with a new use for sheep?






wool.