What not to say on a first date!

[wildwest450]

Ha.
My brother took a first date to see The Accused.

I took my new bride to see that movie.
Needless to say we were walking out halfway through the pinball scene.

 

[MrNate]

"Are you kidding me? I don't respect you now!"

(true story. I swear.)

 

[DeathBrewer]

ICP is the best:

Host:
Lets meet contestant number 1, he's a schizophrenic serial killer clown who says women love his sexy smile. Let's find out if his charm will work on Sharon. Sharon, what's your question?

Sharon:
Contestant #1, I believe first impressions last forever. So lets
say you were to come over to my parent's house and have dinner with me and my family, tell me what you'd do to make that first impression really stick.

Contestant #1:
Lets see..hm.. well, I'd have to think about it.
I might show up in a tux HA but I doubt it.
I'd probably just show up naked like I always do,
and look your mama in the eye and tell her **** you!
Hurry up ***** I'm hungry, I smell spaghetti,
I'd pinch her lumpy ass and tell her get the food ready.
Your dad would probably start trippin' and get me pissed,
I'd have to walk up and BUST him in his ****in' LIPS.
It's dinner time, we're hearin' grace from your mother
I'd pull a 40 out and pour some for your little brother.
I'm steady starin' at your sister, I'll tell you this,
you know for only 13 she got some big tits!
After that, your dad would try to TRIP again,
only this time I'd put the 40 to his chin.
After your mom does the dishes and the silverware,
I'd DRY **** her till I nut in my underwear...

(applause and laughter)

Host:
Now lets meet Contestant number two. He's a psychopathic deranged crackhead freak who works for the dark carnival. He says women call him stretch nutz. Sharon let's here your question.

Sharon:
I like a man who's not afraid to show his true emotions, a man who
expresses himself in his own special way. Number two, if you fell in love with me, exactly how would you let me know?

Contestant #2:
First thing, I could never love you.
You sound like Witchy ***** yo **** You!
but if I did, I'd probably show you that I care
by takin' all these other mother****ers outta here.
I'd go through your phone book and whack 'em all,
and find Contestant number one and break his ****in' jaw (what!?).
Anyone who looked at you, would have to pay.
I'd be blowin' ****in' nuggets off all day.
I'd grab your titties, and stretch 'em down past your waist,
let 'em go and watch 'em both spring up in your face.
I'd sing love songs to ya the best I can,
get ya naked and hit it like a CAVE MAN!
Then we go to the beach and walk through the sand
I throw a little in your face and say I'm just playin'.
as you spit it all out I rub your back
and grab your underwear and wedge it up your ass crack!

(applause and laughter)

Host:
Well it sounds like Contestant number two is just overflowing with
sensitivity Sharon. It's a tough choice so far. Sharon lets have your last
question and see which one is gonna win the rights to your Neden.

Sharon:
OK, if we were at a dance club and you both noticed me at the same
time, tell me, how would you each get my attention and what would your pick up line be? Whoever's the smoothest wins!!

C#1:
OK, first, I'd slide up to the bar
and tell you that I can't believe how ****ing fat you are.
I'd tell you that I like the way you make your titties shake
and if you lost a little weight you'd look like Rikki Lake!

C#2:
**** That! You'd be jackin' me quick.
I'd order you a drink and stir it with my dick,
and then to get your attention in a crowded place,
I'd simply walk up and stick my nuts in your face.

C#1:
Yeah freak her with your nuts yo that'll get her!

C#2:
Tell her that she's fat, YEAH that'll work even better!

C#1:
Look, **** YOU, I got a strong rep ****,
you don't want Contestant number two, he's mad whack.
I walked into a barn and there he was, standing up on a bucket
(uhhhhg) tryin' to **** it,
it was a big, ****ing, smelly ass farm LLAMA

C#2:
DAMN dawg! Are you gonna dis your mama?!?!?!

 

[imaguitargod]

"It's not a tummmah!!!"

 

[the_bird]

"I'm looking to settle down and get married. Hell, fifth time's a charm, right?"

"So, I figure the best way to find out if I'm REALLY gay is to try eating some *****."

 

[olllllo]

"Are you a Virgin?

Cause Pa sez, If you ain't good enough for your own family, you ain't good enough for ours."

 

[blacklab]

On the flipside: He agreed to a first date, in another instance, to see a football game because her father was a coach. He assumed HS football game.
He found out quickly that Saturday morning that he was to watch the WI game from the sidelines with his date.... the daughter of Barry Alvarez.
I'm still pissed he blew that date too.

Daaaaang. That's sweet. She musta looked like a horse for him to at least not string it out for the rest of the season.

 

[k1v1116]

If you call the cops from your place about how long would it take them to show up?

"In accordance with megans law im obligated to tell you... uh nevermind." - glen quagmire

 

[HBHoss]

So why'd the last guy dump you? Speaking of dumps, I'll be right back.

 

[FireBrewer]

"Wanna go halves on a bastard?"

 

[GroovePuppy]

"Oh, that. It's just krausen. We can scrape it off or you can rack from underneath."

 

[farmbrewernw]

Does the carpet match the drapes?

 

[DeathBrewer]

"i like my women like i like my coffee..."




























"...ground up and in the freezer."

 

[GroovePuppy]

"i like my women like i like my coffee..."


"...ground up and in the freezer."

You, my friend, have a disturbing way of thinking. Funny yes, but disturbing!!

 

[Unkle Danky]

"Calm down, lets not turn this rape into a murder"

"I like to eat a lot of taffy"

If you got your teeth and face fixed, and didnt walk with that limp... You would be SMOKING HOT!!"

"I would have definitely slept with you about 30ft ago. Now....... ehh"

(The first one is not mine. Sick I know. But whatever I guess.)

 

[DrunkTrucker]

Hey, wanna come here and look at this before I flush it?

 

[jmulligan]

"Want to see photos of me dressed like an elf from the last fantasy camping trip I went to with my dorky friends?"

I can handle mildly nerdy, but that was too much for me!

Oh, and a female friend got the "Do you mind if I fart?" question during a makeout session.

 

[DeathBrewer]

You, my friend, have a disturbing way of thinking. Funny yes, but disturbing!!

Why thank you sir

 

[HBHoss]

Why thank you sir

That's twice in one thread. **backing slowly away**

 

[niquejim]

"Want to see photos of me dressed like an elf from the last fantasy camping trip I went to with my dorky friends?"

How small is that elf cotume


Ohh someone said that to you,,,,,,,,,,,,nevermind

 

[jmulligan]

How small is that elf cotume


Ohh someone said that to you,,,,,,,,,,,,nevermind

ROTFLMAO! Yeah, it's a hell of a lot less sexy when it's a dude saying it. I wouldn't mind seeing tarted up chicks in elf-gear, but this guy... not so much. He even posed with a bow and arrow and perched on a rock for his self-portraits!

Save the crazy for at least the third date!

 

[shecky]

"i like my women like i like my coffee..."



"...ground up and in the freezer."

Somewhere in the Bay Area, an APB has just been issued.

 

[shecky]

I wouldn't mind seeing tarted up chicks in elf-gear


Save the crazy for at least the third date!

Um, I'll leave that first part alone. Too many mental images.

Second part brings to mind Jack Nicholson: "Sell crazy somewhere else. We're all stocked up here."

 

[Yuri_Rage]

Nice tits.

 

[shecky]

Nice tits, but mine are better. Wanna see?

 

[jmulligan]

"Sell crazy somewhere else. We're all stocked up here."

That's my favorite line out of that movie!

And here we all go, to soothe away the memories of the wreckage that was my lovelife... She's elvish or wood nymphish or something, right?

 

[shecky]

That's my favorite line out of that movie!

And here we all go, to soothe away the memories of the wreckage that was my lovelife... She's elvish or wood nymphish or something, right?

That's it. Jmull wins.

What were we talking about?

 

[kevinrmclean]

Wanna play "just the tip?"

It's not premarital sex if we don't have any intentions of getting married.

Can we do it? YES WE CAN......Obama said so!!

 

[Yuri_Rage]

Drill, baby, drill!

 

[Unkle Danky]

"If I had a dime for every time I exposed myself to elderly women in public I would probably be paying for this dinner."

 

[Unkle Danky]

"If you play your cards right you might get to meet the Ether Bunny"

 

[HBHoss]

My friends say you're a carpenters dream, do you like working with wood?

 

[DeathBrewer]

want some more?

so...who wants to play the "man" tonight?

heh...you wouldn't believe where this little guy was last night!

...and then i found out the ***** was pregnant...

can you get dinner tonight? i must have left my wallet at the strip club again...all i have are these wet singles.

 

[Robcore]

A friend of mine invited someone round before, and we were there too. We were drinking etc and everyone stopping over there, and later on when I was relaxing upstairs, he started talking to me and said "I think i've fallen deeply in love with her. I've had my eye on her for months seriously, it's only today I decided to talk to her."

This earned him the nickname "Stalker Steve"

 

[Yooper]

This one is from my husband. I was complaining about having trouble finding pants that fit, because I have a small butt. So, while I was trying to find a pair of jeans that didn't sag in the rear, my helpful husband said,

"Your ass is bigger than you think."

 

[Brewin_Bob]

I almost spit out french toast and syrup with that one Yoop!!

I like to walk up on my wife in the middle of Target or somewhere and do my best Ladies Man impersonation!

And, per the OT, don't use any of Leon Phelp's quotes/pickup lines.

What is love? What is this longing in our hearts for togetherness? Is it not the sweetest flower? Does not this flower of love have the fragrant aroma of fine, fine diamonds? Does not the wind love the dirt? Is not love not unlike the unlikely not it is unlikened to? Are you with someone tonight? Do not question your love. Take your lover by the hand. Release the power within yourself. Your heard me, release the power. Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That's right don't be shy. Whip out everything you got and do it in the butt.

 

[GilaMinumBeer]

This one is from my husband. I was complaining about having trouble finding pants that fit, because I have a small butt. So, while I was trying to find a pair of jeans that didn't sag in the rear, my helpful husband said,

"Your ass is bigger than you think."

So then you get to use this the next time he's feeling amorous'

"You think I'm gonna fire up this big assed grill for one small weenie" not mine but, maybe appropriate.

 

[shecky]

"You think I'm gonna fire up this big assed grill for one small weenie" not mine but, maybe appropriate.

When you say that it sure sounds like, "Well, I have this friend ..."

 

[bashe]

"Want to see my swastika tattoo?"
"I just got Kenny G's new cd."
"Let me tell you about amway."
"I think I can fit this whole pork chop in my mouth...Watch"
"So a lawyer, a Jew and an Irishman walk into a bar..."
"Wow you have your own car!"

 

[6fiddyv]

So, do you spit or swallow?