Stupid Joke Thread!

[BongoYodeler]

I was wondering why music was coming from my printer. Apparently the paper was jamming!

Two old women are sitting on a park bench when all of a sudden a streaker comes jogging by. One of the old dears has a stroke but the other one can't quite reach!

If Tuesday Weld married Fredric March the third, she would be Tuesday March the Third.

 

[BongoYodeler]

A balding, elderly white haired man from Sherman Oaks, California walked into a jewelry store in a local mall on a Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a very special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $6,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd like to see something even more special...money is no object"

At that statement, the jeweler hiding a smile went back to his special stock and brought another ring to show the man and his girl friend.

"Here's a stunning ring reduced to only $50,000...it's worth much more" the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man said, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and then I'll be back to pick up the ring that afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25 in your account."

"Yeah, I know", said the old man, "but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"

 

[Sailingeric]

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.

It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!"

The first caterpillar scoffs.

"Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"

 

[Sailingeric]

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary

 

[soccerdad]

I tested positive at the gas station this morning.
I have Car Owner Virus.

 

[Sailingeric]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and is just about to say something when the bartender interrupts him. "You're welcome to come in here and have a beer, but no more of your stupid jokes and puns. Okay?" the bartender scolds. "I'm sick of them. Have I made myself clear?" "No," the guy replies. "I can still see you."

 

[bracconiere]

A balding, elderly white haired man from Sherman Oaks, California walked into a jewelry store in a local mall on a Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a very special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $6,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd like to see something even more special...money is no object"

At that statement, the jeweler hiding a smile went back to his special stock and brought another ring to show the man and his girl friend.

"Here's a stunning ring reduced to only $50,000...it's worth much more" the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man said, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and then I'll be back to pick up the ring that afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "There was only $25 in your account."

"Yeah, I know", said the old man, "but let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!"

this is a thread for stupid jokes, not an advice column!

 

[balrog]

I read that more as a "How To" piece than general advice...

 

[soccerdad]

CODA is a thing right now with the movie (Children Of Deaf Adults). Best CODA joke I've heard so far:
"My parents were pretty strict. If they caught me swearing, they would wash my hands out with soap."

 

[CKuhns]

@soccerdad my daughter is an ASL interpreter, she will love that.

 

[ncbrewer]

I got an email about a friend who needs some help. He wishes to remain anonymous. His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that will help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can somebody help him.

 

[Sailingeric]

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with but they had me trippin all day

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[Sailingeric]

My wife just screamed, “YOU’RE NOT EVEN LISTENING TO ME, ARE YOU?!”
What a weird way to start a conversation

 

[Sailingeric]

I ate a Pb & jelly sandwich...
Wouldn't recommend, now I've got lead poisoning

 

[bracconiere]

I ate a Pb & jelly sandwich...
Wouldn't recommend, now I've got lead poisoning

just would have needed some vegemite, and it would have been a 'sweet' wine?

 

[soccerdad]

City slicker tours the farm of the friend of a friend.
At the barn he sees tremendous amount of feed.
"Wow, what's that all for?"
"The cattle eat it."
"Yikes - must be a huge cat."

 

[BongoYodeler]

I saw a microbiologist today. He was much bigger than I expected.

Bill: What should we name this new outdoor sign?
Phil: How about "philboard"?
Bill: I've got a better idea.

Grandpa was responsible for 42 downed German planes during the war. To this day, he still holds the record as worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.

If you suck while playing the trumpet, that's probably why.

 

[Sailingeric]

I applied for a job hanging mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.

 

[soccerdad]

What do you call a magician who loses his magic?
.
.
.
.
.
Ian

 

[Sailingeric]

What do you call someone who pretends to be Swedish?​

An artificial Swedener

 

[ehall]

i get hit by the same bike every day...

its a viscous cycle...

 

[BongoYodeler]

Not actually a joke, but am I the only one this happens to?

Brain: Cactus.
Me: ok.
Brain: Touch it.
Me: But it’s sharp.
Brain: I know, but HOW sharp?..
Me: Ouch!! Dammit!!

 

[agentbud]

Mine usually goes like this:

Brain: Beer.
Me: Ok.
Brain: Drink it.
Me: But I've had enough.
Brain: I know, but drink it.
Me: Ok.

 

[bracconiere]

Mine usually goes like this:

Brain: Beer.
Me: Ok.
Brain: Drink it.
Me: But I've had enough.
Brain: I know, but drink it.
Me: Ok.

mine usually just counts the beers the next day and says...DAMN IT! i can't afford to pay vitamin E, or depending on wither i'm drinking cider or beer the folate or thiamin bills! tell myself god damn it!

 

[Mr. Vern]

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator!

 

[Mr. Vern]

I tried to resist... but this looked fun

Brain: hey there is 10 minutes left in the boil
Me: OK
Brain: Lets add something fun
Me: No! we did that last time.
Brain: But you have extra hops, lactose, coca, nibs, vanilla, coriander, fruit....
Me: ....
Brain: ....
Me: I'm pretty sure a kolsch could use some knock-out hops and lemon peel

 

[balrog]

Brain: Heat's on for boil, it always takes 12-17 minutes to boil. That means you only have <= 12 minutes until boil.
Brain: And then it will boil
Brain: And boil over it you're not there
Brain: Like it has done before
Me: I have time to measure hops now. Down in the basement. At the other end of the house. And find a fermenter to use. Oh, and removed the existing batch from the ferm chamber. Oh yeah, and start up the new batch logging on BrewPiRemix

Brain: Why do I even try?

Me: I don't remember why, but I'll bring up some extra towels from the basement with the hops....

 

[agentbud]

^^ So that this does not take over the Joke thread, I took @BongoYodeler's idea and stared a new post called Brain vs Me... here: Brain vs Me...

 

[Sailingeric]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo