Stupid Joke Thread!

[soccerdad]

A bluegrass fiddler once told me the difference between a violin and a fiddle was that a fiddle had -at least once - had whiskey spilled on it.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[BongoYodeler]

View attachment 755254

<groan>

 

[balrog]

<groan>

I know, I know; it hardly compares to a used coffin for sale, but that's all I got.

 

[soccerdad]

hardly compares to a used coffin for sale

How much?

 

[balrog]

How much?

$600

 

[balrog]

 

[soccerdad]

 

[csantoni]

How do you keep Canadian Bacon from curling in the pan?





Take away their little brooms.

 

[agentbud]

Home Covid Test:

1) Open a can of beer and try to smell it.
2) If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3) If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.

Last night I did the test 19 times, and all were negative. Tonight, I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.

 

[Gilbert Spinning Horse]

I'm dyslexic and I've suffered terribly because of it. I once tried to rob a bank with a gnu.

 

[3 Dawg Night]

The dyslexic atheist believes that there is no dog.

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

The dyslexic atheist believes that there is no dog.

The dyslexic agnostic insomniac is up all night pondering if there really is a dog.

 

[3 Dawg Night]

Ghandi walked barefoot most of his life, which left him with thick callouses on the bottoms of his feet. He also ate very little, which often left him in frail health. When he did eat, his odd diet left him with bad breath.

Therefore, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[bracconiere]

I know, I know; it hardly compares to a used coffin for sale, but that's all I got.

How much?

says the person that collects egyptian artifacts!

 

[jkuhl]

A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The nurse asks them for their blood type.

The priest says, "I'm a type A"
The imam says, "I'm a type B"
The rabbit says, "I'm probably a Type O"

 

[3 Dawg Night]

Three guys walk into a bar.

You'd think the second or third guy would have ducked.

 

[jkuhl]

A blond walks into a bar.

The brunette and the redhead duck.

 

[Steveruch]

My ex-wife and I split up because of her use of four letter worfs: find some work jerk.

 

[501irishred]

The other day I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
it was the least I could do.

 

[balrog]

Ok, having been in IT forever, this was quite amusing:

 

[balrog]

I lost my wife's audiobook.



Now I'll never hear the end of it.

 

[camonick]

A bluegrass fiddler once told me the difference between a violin and a fiddle was that a fiddle had -at least once - had whiskey spilled on it.

A violin has “strings” and a fiddle has “strangs”

 

[Jhedrick83]

What did the maltster say to the barley that got stuck on day 1-2 and wouldn’t continue malting?

I’m getting really tired of your chit…

 

[BongoYodeler]

I was at a bar the other night when a waitress hollered very loudly, "Does anyone know CPR?"
I hollered back, "Heck, I know the entire alphabet!"
Everybody there laughed...
Except this one guy

 

[balrog]

 

[BeerAndTele]

Two antennas met on a roof. They started dating, fell in love, and got engaged. When they got married, the ceremony was nice ... but the reception was excellent.

 

[balrog]

The Invisible Man and the Invisible Woman had kids.


They weren't much to look at.

 

[GrogNerd]

when I was a kid, there was a TV show called "The Invisible Man" with David McCallum ("NCIS", "The Man from U.N.C.L.E.")

it was pre-empted one night & they announced "'The Invisible Man' will not be seen tonight, in order to bring you the following special"

 

[soccerdad]

There was poor sanitation in the kitchen at the Conference Of Museum Curators.

Mass diorama.

 

[Jhedrick83]

Did you hear about the guy who got hurt playing peek-a-boo?

He had to go to the I C U.

 

[soccerdad]

One landlord had 5 ants in his building. Another landlord had five ants in his.
Together they had tenants.

 

[BongoYodeler]

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
"What an interesting pet," the bartender says. "What's his name?"
"Tiny," the man replies.
"What an odd name," the bartender says. "Why do you call him tiny?"
The man holds Tiny in his hands. "Because he's my newt."

 

[BongoYodeler]

A guy at a bar is talking to the bartender. "I have a half brother."
"Different fathers?" the bartender asks.
"Shark attack," the guy replies.

 

[Steveruch]

One landlord had 5 ants in his building. Another landlord had five ants in his.
Together they had tenants.

 

[BeerAndTele]

A guy walks into a bar with a big chunk of asphalt under his arm.
"I'll have 2 beers please," he says to the bartender, "One for me, and one for the road."

 

[soccerdad]

An Australian pub had a popular lunch of soup and salad.
A kangaroo was enjoying lunch there when the waiter snapped at him. "Buddy - every single time I walk past your table you ask for another bowl of soup.!"
"I can't help it," says Roo, "I'm a Moresoupial."

 

[balrog]

A novice programmer was explained the meaning of RTFM. He showed up the next day saying: "So I went out and bought the Kama Sutra. Now what?"

Meta-joke: If you tell the joke above to a non-programmer, he will ask: "What's RTFM?" A programmer will ask: "What's Kama Sutra?"

Meta-meta-joke: If instead of laughing in response in the meta-joke above you have asked "I knew both, now who am I", then you are probably a programmer over the age of 30, who has realized the value of social skills, and who may even be married, but who is still an uber-geek who takes things way too literally.

If you have asked "I googled both, now who am I", then you are probably a high-school kid who reads stackoverflow and takes things way too literally, but who had not yet known about RTFM or Kama Sutra. Congratulations, you are well on your way to becoming an uber-geek. Please try to acquire some social skills along the way. You may not think so now, but they do come in handy.

 

[soccerdad]