Stupid Joke Thread!

[Andrew Hodgson]

Oh my god I am so happy I found this thread.

 

[homebrewer_99]

Oh my god I am so happy I found this thread.

Needing new material? I recommend starting at page 1.

 

[S-Met]

Why are fish so smart?

They're always in schools


Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank.


What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh


How do you keep fish from smelling?

Hold their nose.

 

[Schlenkerla]

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. She started screaming 'oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina'. The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said 'Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit'. The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said 'OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The Husband nodded and gave his approval.

The young lady said 'Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it'. So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, ' I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper'. So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the Young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, and moan and groan aloud, 'oh doctor, doctor!' she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband, at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted 'Now wait a minute, what do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied 'Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bugger'.

 

[Schlenkerla]

A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69. "What do you mean?" he asked. Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "you put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs, " still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip roaring fart. "What the hell was that?!! he asked. "OOPS! I'm sorry! Let's try again", she said. On the second attempt the very same thing happened. He immediately got up and started getting dressed. "Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied..."If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"

 

[Schlenkerla]

This man was in a long line at the chemist shop. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said "One box of large condoms to register 5." The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said, "One box of medium sized condoms to register 5."

A few customers back was this teen-aged boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the counter, he told the girl that he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said, "Clean up at register 5!"

 

[Schlenkerla]

Dressing after a shower at a health club, Dave noticed that Frank had a cork lodged in his ass and asked, "How'd that happen?" " I was walking along the beach and tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke and an old man in a turban came oozing out." The Genie said, "I am Abdullah the Persian Genie, and I will grant you one wish. "I said, 'No $hit!'"

 

[Schlenkerla]

Three men who were lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied,"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

 

[Schlenkerla]

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar homes. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball -don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost us." They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice ask them to come in. They opened the door and saw broken glass on the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah... sorry about that..." the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you -I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. I'm allowed to grant three wishes I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great," the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem -it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?" the husband asked. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman for a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "We did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't mind." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband?" "Thirty-five," she replied. "...and he still believes in genies?"

 

[Schlenkerla]

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket - went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

 

[Schlenkerla]

This one better when you've been drinking...

A very modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard. The security guard ask: "What's going on?" To which the drunk replied: "I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

 

[Schlenkerla]

A boss had to promote one of the three office ladies to be his secretary. He pondered for a long time which girl to pick. He hit upon a scheme! He secretly put £5,000 into each of the 3 candidate's bank accounts. Then he just sat back to see what they did with it! The first girl took a vacation and spent the money. The second girl put down payments on a new car, and fur coat. The third girl took the money, invested it, doubled the money, then came back and asked if there might have been a mistake made, and volunteered to return the initial £5,000. Which of the ladies got the job? The Blonde with the biggest tits.

 

[Schlenkerla]

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it? "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a cricket bat?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. I think you do want to buy a cricket bat," the little extortionist continues. "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five quid," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE QUID?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a cricket ball?" the little boy asks. "OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty quid," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and bat and we'll play a game." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and chocolate. "Seventy-five quid," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE QUID?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that **** again," the priest says...

 

[Schlenkerla]

After having their 11th child, a very thick couple decided that that was enough and they could not afford a larger house. So, the husband went to his doctor, and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a fire cracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he realized how truly backwards these people were. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a firecracker , light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

 

[Schlenkerla]

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeeeemer!" he whined. "You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!" "Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex?"

 

[Schlenkerla]

Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats, but all three engineers cram into one restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

 

[Schlenkerla]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Oh, that's easy," the caretaker says. "He's decomposing."

 

[homebrewer_99]

Certainly in the right category...

 

[arturo7]

You take a risk every time you open this thread.

 

[homebrewer_99]

You take a risk every time you open this thread.

Amen to that!

 

[homebrewer_99]

A guy is on a business trip. He goes to the bar next to his hotel.

He enters and see's the bartender at the other end. The guy comes down and asks what he wants to drink.

The guy orders a local beer. The bartender also leaves a bowl of peanuts on the bar in front of him.

He takes a couple of drinks, eats a few nuts and orders another beer.

He's sipping on his beer and hears: "Nice shoes". He looks around, there's no one near him. Thinking this is odd, he takes a few more drinks and eats a few more peanuts.

Standing there, he hears: "That haircut fits you". Again, looking around, there is no one near him.

As he takes the last drink from his glass he hears: "Nice tie". OK, now he's thinking something's up but he can't figure out what it is.

The bartender takes a look down the bar and notices his glass is empty and asks if he wants another.

He replies: I'm not sure.
Bartender: Not sure? Why not?
He: Well, I keep hearing voices.
Bartender: What do they say?
He: Well, the first one said, "Nice shoes"; the second one said, "That haircut fits you"; and the third one said, "Nice tie". And there's no one close by to say those things. What gives?
Bartender: Oh, that's just the nuts. They're COMPLIMENTARY...

 

[kevin.seels]

Hmmmm......Maybe Trump just had European whores on his hotel room bed.....

Russia is part of Europe right?

Rusia is part europe and part asia

 

[ncbrewer]

An old maid recently moved, and had her first visit to her new doctor. He first asked if she had ever been bedridden. She answered "Many times, and once in a canoe."

 

[homebrewer_99]

An older woman comes out of the examination room and her husband asked: What did the doctor say?

He said I had a cute vagina. The doctor overheard her and said: No, I said she had acute angina.

 

[homebrewer_99]

A man comes home from work to fund his wife jumping up and down on the bed, giggling something fierce anf full of joy.

The husband asked: What are you so happy about?
The wife said: I just came back from my doctor visit and he said I had the breasts of a 28 year old woman.
The husband asked: Did he say anything about your 60 year old a55?
The wife said: No, your name never came up in conversation.

 

[homebrewer_99]

So, I says to my wife with the wooden leg, Peg...

 

[homebrewer_99]

Riddle: You're at a Halloween costume party. There are 3 pirates there. How do you know which one is a real pirate?

ANSWER: He's the one with the parrot **** down the back of his shirt. ARRGH!

 

[arturo7]

What’s better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

 

[ba-brewer]

A streaker once tried to escape the police by running into a church, but they caught him by the organ.

 

[homebrewer_99]

What’s better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

That joke is so old Beethoven made it up.