What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?...
The taste.
The taste.
Stupid Joke Thread!
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ancientmariner52
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A doctor is rushing around a busy ER. Pausing to make notes, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer. He looks at it and exclaims, "Hey, some a$$hole has my pen!"
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What’s better than a cold Bud?
A warm Bush.
A warm Bush.
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Why does Miss Piggy ****** with honey?
Because Kermit likes his pork sweet and sour.
[emoji12]
Because Kermit likes his pork sweet and sour.
[emoji12]
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What do women and noodles have in common?
Both wiggle when you eat them.
Both wiggle when you eat them.
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How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?
Once you take away the legs and the breasts you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.
Once you take away the legs and the breasts you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.
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What's the difference between a woman in Church and a woman in a bathtub?
The woman in Church has hope in her soul.
The woman in Church has hope in her soul.
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lick-a-lotta-puss.
Lick-a-lotta-puss.
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This reminded me of an oldie ...
What is the difference between a tribe of Pygmy's and a women's track team?
One is a cunning bunch of runts.
We may be getting a little far afield.
homebrewer_99
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Two cannibals sitting around a camp fire eating dinner. One says, "You know, after all these years I still don't like my brother-in-law". The other says, "Then just eat the vegetables".
What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz? One is a "snack cracker".
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom dwelling scum sucker and the other is a fish.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? There a skid marks in front of the skunk.
What do you call a blond with a runny nose? Full...
Thank you, I'll be here all week. Please, don't forget to tip your wait staff...they not used to walking upright.
What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz? One is a "snack cracker".
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom dwelling scum sucker and the other is a fish.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? There a skid marks in front of the skunk.
What do you call a blond with a runny nose? Full...
Thank you, I'll be here all week. Please, don't forget to tip your wait staff...they not used to walking upright.
What do you get when you turn a blonde upside down?
A brunette, with big lips and bad breath!
A brunette, with big lips and bad breath!
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Guy walking home from the bar hears a woman hail him from a dark alley.
"Twenty dollars," she says.
What the heck he figures, letting the drink take over his brain.
A few minutes later they are rutting away in the bushes when a cop shines his flashlight on them.
"Hey, what's going on here?" he says.
"I'm making love with my wife, officer."
"Oh sorry, I didn't know."
"Neither did I 'til you shined that light in her face."
"Twenty dollars," she says.
What the heck he figures, letting the drink take over his brain.
A few minutes later they are rutting away in the bushes when a cop shines his flashlight on them.
"Hey, what's going on here?" he says.
"I'm making love with my wife, officer."
"Oh sorry, I didn't know."
"Neither did I 'til you shined that light in her face."
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What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
A Genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.
A Genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.
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A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You ****!
How many is a brazilian?"
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You ****!
How many is a brazilian?"
What's the difference between an oyster with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea?
One you SHuck between Fits...
What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
Tri-Tip.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
What do you call the Rancher who helps the cow with no legs?
Hamburger Helper.
Tri-Tip.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
What do you call the Rancher who helps the cow with no legs?
Hamburger Helper.
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Read in a Arnold Schwarzenegger voice...
Q: Why did the cow cross the ocean?
A: To get to the udder tide.
Q: What sound do you hear when a cow breaks the sound barrier?
A: Cowboom.
Q: What is as big as a cow but weighs nothing?
A: His shadow.
Q: What did the calf say to the silo?
A: Is my fodder in there?
Q: How do you get a cow to keep quiet?
A: Press the moooote button.
Q: What time is it when a cow sits on your hat?
A: Time to get a new hat!
Q: What does a cow make when the sun comes out?
A. A shadow.
Q: What happens when a cow is exhausted?
A: It cowlapses.
Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
A: A bull dozer
Q: What do cows do in their spare time?
A: Listen to moooosic.
Q: Why don’t cows ever have money?
A: Because farmers milk them dry.
Q: Why was it hard to brush the heifer’s hair?
A: She had a cow lick.
Q: Did you hear about the snobby cow?
A: She thought she was a cutlet above the rest.
Q: What do you get when you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow?
A: An animal that’s in a baaaaaaaad moooooood.
Q: How do you make a milk shake?
A: Give a cow a pogo stick.
Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.
Q: What did one chess playing cow say to the other?
A: Your mooooove.
Q: What do weightlifting cows eat for dessert?
A: Beefcake!
Q: What did the cow say to the wolf?
A: I’ve got no beef with you.
Q: Why are cows so good at math?
A: They love to cownt.
Q: What do you call a fight between two herds of cows?
A: A cattle battle.
Q: Why did the cow cross the playground?
A: To get to the udder slide.
Q: Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
A: Because they lactose.
Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A: The farmer had cold hands!
Q: Why was the cow afraid?
A: She was a cowherd
Q: What did the mommy cow say to the baby cow?
A: It’s pasture bedtime!
Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.
Q: What happens when you talk to a cow?
A: It goes in one ear and out the udder.
Q: What was the name of the cow knight?
A: Sir Loin.
Q: Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
A: Because the cow has the udder.
Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A: Because the farmer had cold hands.
Q: What is a cow’s favorite deli meat?
A: Bull-ogna
Q: What did the mommy cow say to the baby cow?
A: It’s pasture bedtime.
Q:What do you call a cow who works for a landscaper?
A: A lawn moo-er.
Q: Where do cows go to eat lunch?
A: The calf-eteria.
Q: How did the cow get to Mars?
A: It flew through udder space.
Q: What is it called when a cow blends in with his surroundings?
A: Being CaMOOflauged.
Q: What do you call cattle that tell jokes?
A: Laughing stock.
Q: What was the cow’s favorite cookie?
A: Moooolasses.
Q: What were the cows favorite subjects in school?
A: Moosic, psycowlogy, and cowculus
Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
A: Milk and Quackers!
Q: Why don’t cows remember things you tell them?
A: Because everything goes in one ear and out the udder.
Q: What do you call it when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
A: An Udder-Catastrophe
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don’t work.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bull-dozer
Q: What was the cows favorite part of math?
A: Moo-ltiplication.
Q: What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
A: Milk of Amnesia
Q: Where do cows go when they want a night out?
A: The moo-vies.
Q: In which state do you find the most cows?
A: Moo-York
Q: What do you call the spots on black and white cows?
A: Holstains
Q: Where do Russians get milk?
A: From Mos-cows
Q: What do you call a cow that just gave birth to a calf?
A: Decalfenated.
Q: Why did the bull wear a bell around his neck?
A: Because his horn didn’t work
Q: What did the cow say when it heard a person playing guitar?
A: That’s good moooooosic.
Q: How do farmers count their cows?
A: They use a cowculator.
Q: What was the name of the cow at the round table?
A: Sir loin
Q: Why was the barn so noisy?
A: Because all of the cows had horns.
Q: What do you call a cow that can’t give milk?
A: An udder failure.
Q: Where do cows like to ride on trains?
A: The cow-boose.
Q: What did one dairy cow say to the other?
A: Got milk?
Q: What do you get when you cross a smurf with a cow?
A: Blue cheese!
Q: What do you call a cow with a nervous twitch?
A: Beef Jerky
Q: What animals do you cover up with socks?
A: Your calves.
Q: Where do cow astronauts stop to get a drink?
A: The milky way!
Q: What do you get when you cross a cow with a lawnmower?
A: A lawnmooer.
Q: What do cows read in the morning?
A: The Daily Moos.
Q: What are grumpy cows called?
A: Moo-dy
Q: What do you get when you cross an octopus and a cow?
A: An animal that can milk itself.
Q: Where do Cow love to go with his friend?
A: For the moovies.
Q: What South American dance do cows like to do?
A. The Rump-a
Q: What will a Cow love to play at parties?
A: Only the moosical chairs.
Q: Where do cows go on Saturday nights?
A: To the MOOO-vies.
Q: What kind of animal goes OOM?
A: A cow walking backwards.
Q: What magazine makes cows stampede to the news stand?
A. Cows-mopolitan.
Q: What do you say to a cow that crosses in front of your car?
A: Mooo-ve over.
Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don’t work.
Q: What did the mouse tell the cow?
A: Mooove.
Q: Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
A. He was too much of a bully
Q: What does a cow read every morning?
A moo-spaper.
Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a cow?
A: Roost beef.
Q: Why was the calf afraid?
A. He was a cow-herd.
Q: Which Sesame Street character do cows like most?
A: The cownt
Q: Why did the cow cross the ocean?
A: To get to the udder tide.
Q: What sound do you hear when a cow breaks the sound barrier?
A: Cowboom.
Q: What is as big as a cow but weighs nothing?
A: His shadow.
Q: What did the calf say to the silo?
A: Is my fodder in there?
Q: How do you get a cow to keep quiet?
A: Press the moooote button.
Q: What time is it when a cow sits on your hat?
A: Time to get a new hat!
Q: What does a cow make when the sun comes out?
A. A shadow.
Q: What happens when a cow is exhausted?
A: It cowlapses.
Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
A: A bull dozer
Q: What do cows do in their spare time?
A: Listen to moooosic.
Q: Why don’t cows ever have money?
A: Because farmers milk them dry.
Q: Why was it hard to brush the heifer’s hair?
A: She had a cow lick.
Q: Did you hear about the snobby cow?
A: She thought she was a cutlet above the rest.
Q: What do you get when you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow?
A: An animal that’s in a baaaaaaaad moooooood.
Q: How do you make a milk shake?
A: Give a cow a pogo stick.
Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.
Q: What did one chess playing cow say to the other?
A: Your mooooove.
Q: What do weightlifting cows eat for dessert?
A: Beefcake!
Q: What did the cow say to the wolf?
A: I’ve got no beef with you.
Q: Why are cows so good at math?
A: They love to cownt.
Q: What do you call a fight between two herds of cows?
A: A cattle battle.
Q: Why did the cow cross the playground?
A: To get to the udder slide.
Q: Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
A: Because they lactose.
Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A: The farmer had cold hands!
Q: Why was the cow afraid?
A: She was a cowherd
Q: What did the mommy cow say to the baby cow?
A: It’s pasture bedtime!
Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.
Q: What happens when you talk to a cow?
A: It goes in one ear and out the udder.
Q: What was the name of the cow knight?
A: Sir Loin.
Q: Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
A: Because the cow has the udder.
Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A: Because the farmer had cold hands.
Q: What is a cow’s favorite deli meat?
A: Bull-ogna
Q: What did the mommy cow say to the baby cow?
A: It’s pasture bedtime.
Q:What do you call a cow who works for a landscaper?
A: A lawn moo-er.
Q: Where do cows go to eat lunch?
A: The calf-eteria.
Q: How did the cow get to Mars?
A: It flew through udder space.
Q: What is it called when a cow blends in with his surroundings?
A: Being CaMOOflauged.
Q: What do you call cattle that tell jokes?
A: Laughing stock.
Q: What was the cow’s favorite cookie?
A: Moooolasses.
Q: What were the cows favorite subjects in school?
A: Moosic, psycowlogy, and cowculus
Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
A: Milk and Quackers!
Q: Why don’t cows remember things you tell them?
A: Because everything goes in one ear and out the udder.
Q: What do you call it when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
A: An Udder-Catastrophe
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don’t work.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bull-dozer
Q: What was the cows favorite part of math?
A: Moo-ltiplication.
Q: What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
A: Milk of Amnesia
Q: Where do cows go when they want a night out?
A: The moo-vies.
Q: In which state do you find the most cows?
A: Moo-York
Q: What do you call the spots on black and white cows?
A: Holstains
Q: Where do Russians get milk?
A: From Mos-cows
Q: What do you call a cow that just gave birth to a calf?
A: Decalfenated.
Q: Why did the bull wear a bell around his neck?
A: Because his horn didn’t work
Q: What did the cow say when it heard a person playing guitar?
A: That’s good moooooosic.
Q: How do farmers count their cows?
A: They use a cowculator.
Q: What was the name of the cow at the round table?
A: Sir loin
Q: Why was the barn so noisy?
A: Because all of the cows had horns.
Q: What do you call a cow that can’t give milk?
A: An udder failure.
Q: Where do cows like to ride on trains?
A: The cow-boose.
Q: What did one dairy cow say to the other?
A: Got milk?
Q: What do you get when you cross a smurf with a cow?
A: Blue cheese!
Q: What do you call a cow with a nervous twitch?
A: Beef Jerky
Q: What animals do you cover up with socks?
A: Your calves.
Q: Where do cow astronauts stop to get a drink?
A: The milky way!
Q: What do you get when you cross a cow with a lawnmower?
A: A lawnmooer.
Q: What do cows read in the morning?
A: The Daily Moos.
Q: What are grumpy cows called?
A: Moo-dy
Q: What do you get when you cross an octopus and a cow?
A: An animal that can milk itself.
Q: Where do Cow love to go with his friend?
A: For the moovies.
Q: What South American dance do cows like to do?
A. The Rump-a
Q: What will a Cow love to play at parties?
A: Only the moosical chairs.
Q: Where do cows go on Saturday nights?
A: To the MOOO-vies.
Q: What kind of animal goes OOM?
A: A cow walking backwards.
Q: What magazine makes cows stampede to the news stand?
A. Cows-mopolitan.
Q: What do you say to a cow that crosses in front of your car?
A: Mooo-ve over.
Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don’t work.
Q: What did the mouse tell the cow?
A: Mooove.
Q: Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
A. He was too much of a bully
Q: What does a cow read every morning?
A moo-spaper.
Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a cow?
A: Roost beef.
Q: Why was the calf afraid?
A. He was a cow-herd.
Q: Which Sesame Street character do cows like most?
A: The cownt
Last edited:
What's the difference between your mother and a duck with a cold?
One is a Sick Duck...
(Trebec: "I hate you Mr. Connery...")
One is a Sick Duck...
(Trebec: "I hate you Mr. Connery...")
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his butt.
Two cannibals were eating a clown when one says, "does this taste funny to you?"
Two cannibals were walking in the forest when they came across a freshly dead man. Not wanting to carry it back to share with the tribe, they decided to split it and eat it right then and there.
Unfortunately they didn't have any tools to divide it, but one of them had the bright idea, I start at the head, you start at the feet and we will meet in the middle. They proceed eating the corpse and after a while, one looks up in joy and exclaims, "This is sooo much fun, I'm having a ball!"
The other immediately jumps up and screams, "SLOW DOWN, YOU'RE EATING TOO FAST!!"
Wiped his butt.
Two cannibals were eating a clown when one says, "does this taste funny to you?"
Two cannibals were walking in the forest when they came across a freshly dead man. Not wanting to carry it back to share with the tribe, they decided to split it and eat it right then and there.
Unfortunately they didn't have any tools to divide it, but one of them had the bright idea, I start at the head, you start at the feet and we will meet in the middle. They proceed eating the corpse and after a while, one looks up in joy and exclaims, "This is sooo much fun, I'm having a ball!"
The other immediately jumps up and screams, "SLOW DOWN, YOU'RE EATING TOO FAST!!"
I'm broccoli and I look like a tree!!
I'm cauliflower and I look like a brain!!
I'm mushroom and I really hate this game!!
I'm cauliflower and I look like a brain!!
I'm mushroom and I really hate this game!!
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You play with me at night before going to sleep. You can’t get caught fiddling with me at work. You only let a select few people touch me. What am I?
Your phone.
Your phone.
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If I miss, I might hit your bush. It’s my job to stuff your box. When I come, it’s news. What am I?
The paperboy.
The paperboy.
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What four-letter word begins with “f” and ends with “k,” and if you can’t get it you can always just use your hands?
A fork.
A fork.
What starts with an "F," ends with a "K" and generally leads to a lot of excitement when you see it coming?
Fire trucK
Fire trucK
What did the one potato chip say to the other potato chip at the bar?
You Frito-Lay?
You Frito-Lay?
The teacher asks the class to tell a story with a moral.
Little Betty raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Betty replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Sally went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Sally replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Bill fought in the war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a bottle of Rum, a machine gun and a Knife. On the way down, he drank the bottle of rum. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his knife and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his knife broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Bill when he's been drinking."
Little Betty raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Betty replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Sally went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Sally replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Bill fought in the war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a bottle of Rum, a machine gun and a Knife. On the way down, he drank the bottle of rum. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his knife and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his knife broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Bill when he's been drinking."
fisherman1: Seen a head floating down the river one time while fishing. Weird thing was it was singing.
fisherman2: Really what was it singing?
fisherman1: I ain't got nobody.
fisherman2: I seen a one armed man fishing from a tree once.
fisherman1: Did he catch anything?
fisherman2: I think so, but he fell out of tree before he finished showing me how big.
fisherman2: Really what was it singing?
fisherman1: I ain't got nobody.
fisherman2: I seen a one armed man fishing from a tree once.
fisherman1: Did he catch anything?
fisherman2: I think so, but he fell out of tree before he finished showing me how big.
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