Stupid Joke Thread!

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[Agent]

I no long trust stairs.

They always seem to be up to something.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

 

[Cheshire Cat]

I didn’t know what happiness was until I got married.

 

[balrog]

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People get out of the way much faster now.

I didn't make it to the gym today.
That makes 5 years in a row.

I stopped calling the bathroom "John", I now call it "Jim".
Sounds much better to say "I gotta go to the Jim now"

 

[BongoYodeler]

I stopped calling the bathroom "John", I now call it "Jim".
Sounds much better to say "I gotta go to the Jim now"

True story. When I was in elementary school I'd always eat my lunch in the cafeteria. One year due to construction the cafeteria was closed. I came home from school one day and as usual my mom asked me about my day. Excitedly I told her we couldn't eat lunch where we normally did, so instead we had to eat in the john. I imagine she almost passed out. After a few questions it was determined we had eaten in the gym (Jim). I just got the name wrong.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

How much would it cost to buy a singing ensemble?

You mean a choir?

Fine. How much would it cost to “acquire” a singing ensemble?

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[Closet Fermenter]

I knew he was a composer; had no idea he was a homebrewer.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

A man walks into a bookstore. He says to the person behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book on indecisiveness. Do you have one?

The person says, “I’m not sure.”

The man says, “That’s the one.”

 

[balrog]

 

[homebeerbrewer]

What do you call a koala that’s good at math?





A koalaculator.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

That's right up there with "How much do you drink?" "Oh, you know, I do okay"

"You mean you count beers too?"

 

[balrog]

 

[homebeerbrewer]

My friend had a flat tire. While changing it, the car fell off the jack and landed on his foot.

Now he needs a toe.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

An ambulance sped by me. The back door opened and a cooler fell out. I figured that they'd want the cooler back, so I stopped to pick it up. I found four severed toes inside, so I called for a tow truck.

 

[Cheshire Cat]

An ambulance sped by me. The back door opened and a cooler fell out. I figured that they'd want the cooler back, so I stopped to pick it up. I found four severed toes inside, so I called for a tow truck.

Jokes with English words with a double meaning lose something when written.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[day_trippr]

"istrue"

fail!

 

[BeerAndTele]

A cop pulled me over the other day, approached my car and said, “papers.”

Excitedly, I said, “scissors!” and drove away thinking I’d won.

He must have wanted a rematch or something because he then followed me for 45 minutes.

 

[BeerAndTele]

I asked my wife last night if I was the only one she’d ever slept with. She said yes.

Then she said most of the others were 7s or 8s.

 

[balrog]

A person has been stealing wheels off police cars around here.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch them.