Stupid Joke Thread!

[bruce_the_loon]

I invented a golf ball that automatically goes into the hole when it gets within 4 inches.

Note to self: do *not* carry in back pocket.

 

[Closet Fermenter]

View attachment 857171

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

My grandfather told me he saw the Titanic. He knew it was going to sink from the beginning. He warned all the people over and over again that it was going to sink.

Right up until they made him leave the cinema.

 

[balrog]

I love the phrase “Bear with me”.

It can mean “be patient”, but it can also mean “the zoo heist was a resounding success”

 

[balrog]

Somebody just asked me what i do with leftover bacon.

I’ve never heard of that kind of bacon.

Is it new?

 

[Rish]

“Bear with me."

Throw out a salmon when I open the door!

 

[lumpher]

A while back I was watching the Kentucky Derby. Someone called it "Amish Nascar". That kind of ruined it for me.

 

[balrog]

My body is a temple.

Ancient.
Cursed.
Crumbling.
Probably filled with something evil.

 

[Sailingeric]

From the pun of the day calendar.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

 

[balrog]

 

[agentbud]

When I was young, I was really poor.

But I struggled and worked really hard and now I'm no longer young.

 

[balrog]

 

[Closet Fermenter]

 

[balrog]

 

[agentbud]

Cop: "Turn around.
Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never comin' round."
Cop: "TURN AROUND!"
Me: "Every now..."
*** taser zap ***

 

[AkTom]

If you have 3 shotguns in one hand and 12 duck decoys in the other, what do you have??


Big hands!

 

[agentbud]

Maturing is realizing your weekends last longer if you start drinking on Wednesday.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

Do railroad workers need to be trained?

 

[homebeerbrewer]

My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating. She's starting to sound like my wife.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.

 

[agentbud]

The cashier told me "Strip down facing me." By the time I realized they meant the debit card it was too late.

 

[Broothru]

The cashier told me "Strip down facing me." By the time I realized they meant the debit card it was too late.

I’m soooo stealing that one !

 

[agentbud]

I went to the doctor with hearing problems.
He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, "Sure, Homer is the fat dude and Marge has blue hair."

 

[Kee]

I went to the doctor with hearing problems.
He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, "Sure, Homer is the fat dude and Marge has blue hair."

The wife of a mechanic I knew overheard him, while he was making hotel reservations over the phone, "Of course I want clean sheets!"

Wife to husband "Give me the phone".

Wife to hotel reservationist: "What did you just ask my husband?"

Hotel clerk: "I asked him if he wanted a Queen Suite."

 

[agentbud]

Texting Codes (initialisms/acronyms) for Seniors:

HOG - Hot Old Guy
ABFF - At Best Friends Funeral
BMW - Bring My Walker
ATD - At The Doctor
DBI - Disaster Because Incontinent
FWIWG - Forgot Where I Was Going
GGBCI - Gotta Go, Bladder Control Issues
HGBM - Had Great Bowel Movement
TOT - Texting On Toilet

 

[homebeerbrewer]

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on the top of a barn?





An egg roll.

 

[balrog]

I'm retired from IT, but helping a buddy out by being The Church Lady at a little New England church a few days a week. I know, you'd think that was the joke.

I was stuck in construction traffic today, being screamed at by an irate pickup truck driver because I wouldn't personally push a city bus down the road, and suddenly my brain goes:

There once was a main from the Holy Land
Who played autoharp in a Mariachi band
His musical phrasings were quite mellow
For an ecclesiastical fellow

Then Mr Pickup Truck layed on his horn and I never came up with a punch line. I'll just leave it here as an exercise for the reader. QED if you will.

Best of luck.

 

[balrog]

Firefly humor.

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[BeerAndTele]

I have decided that when I die, I want to be cremated and have my remains pressed into a record. It is my vinyl request.

 

[Closet Fermenter]

Yessir! We’ll see you on the flip side!!

 

[balrog]

The tracks on the vinyl should be Stairway to Heaven.
THen Comfortably Numb.

 

[balrog]

 

[agentbud]

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are finally ready if you guys want one.

 

[agentbud]

You have $500.
Your son texts and says he needs $200.
Then your daughter texts and she also needs $200.
How much do you have left?

Me: $500 and 2 unread texts.

 

[Closet Fermenter]

You might be a homebrewer IF:

Your wife says; “My meatloaf recipe calls for a cup of uncooked Quaker Oats, and we’re out!”

And you say:

“No worries, I have a 5 gallon gamma bucket half full of flaked barley.”

(True story; just happened! )

 

[Agent]

Usually the response here is:
"Oh yeah, sorry - I just used those this morning for my brew."

 

[BongoYodeler]

You might be a homebrewer IF:

Your wife says; “My meatloaf recipe calls for a cup of uncooked Quaker Oats, and we’re out!”

And you say:

“No worries, I have a 5 gallon gamma bucket half full of flaked barley.”

(True story; just happened! )

My response: :Oh, well I guess we're having something else then tonight. Oh, and get the giant 2-pk next time we're at Costco."