Stupid Joke Thread!

[balrog]

In a seashell bikini?

That’d be weird.

 

[Closet Fermenter]

Have you thought about seeing a psychiatrist?

Is she wearing a seashell bikini?

Edit: You beat me to it, and mine hadn’t updated.

 

[balrog]

In Ancient Rome there were basically 4 types of poisons. Poisons I II & III would kill you quickly.

Poison IV would just make you itchy.

 

[BongoYodeler]

In Ancient Rome there were basically 4 types of poisons. Poisons I II & III would kill you quickly.

Poison IV would just make you itchy.

<groan>

 

[balrog]

I knew it was a good one when I stole found it.

 

[BongoYodeler]

A friend purchased two goldfish.
I said "what do you call them?"
He said "one and two"
I replied "those are strange names"
He said "not really, if one dies I still have two".

 

[homebeerbrewer]

What do you call babies born in a whore house?



Brothel sprouts

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[homebeerbrewer]

I went to the “World’s tiniest wind turbine” exhibit.

Honestly, not a big fan.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

I didn’t do a marathon in 2020. I didn’t do any in 2021, 2022, and 2023 either.

It’s a running joke.

 

[BongoYodeler]

A guy bought two horses but he couldn't tell them apart so he decided to measure them. He found that the white horse was three inches taller than the black horse.

 

[balrog]

I was in the card section of the store the other day to find a nice "Get Better Soon" card for my tennis partner.

He's not sick.

I just hope he gets better.

Soon.

 

[balrog]

A guy bought two horses but he couldn't tell them apart so he decided to measure them. He found that the white horse was three inches taller than the black horse.

<groan>

 

[balrog]

Her (from another room): "Hey! Do you ever get a painful feeling across your body for no reason?"

Me: "No, why?"

Her: "How about now?"

 

[Jonakr]

Her (from another room): "Hey! Do you ever get a painful feeling across your body for no reason?"

Me: "No, why?"

Her: "How about now?"

Hoodoo? you-do? VooDoo!

 

[balrog]

I always promise to have just 2 beers and be home by 10.

Then my dyslexia kicks in.

 

[VApatriot]

What do you call a bee that can't make up it's mind?

a may-bee

 

[balrog]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

 

[ncbrewer]

I was going to pass that to my wife but decided against it.

 

[balrog]

My kids asked if we could get a cat for Christmas.

I said we usually have ham, but I’m open to new things.

 

[balrog]

Do you know the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

During the sermon, the pastor says, "If you think your wife is controlling you, move to the left"
And every single man but one moved.
The pastor was glad at least one strong man remained and asked him, "How come your wife cannot control you?"
The man replied, "My wife told me not to move"

 

[Closet Fermenter]

there was a guy at the park today trying to fly a kite... the winds were pretty good, but it would shoot up flip around and crash into the ground...
I immediately knew what the problem was, so I hollered, "Hey, you need more tail!"
He replied, "That's what I told my wife and she said, 'Go fly a kite!'"

 

[lschiavo]

View attachment 855632

I didn't think this was a very good joke but, it checks out.

 

[lumpher]

View attachment 855632

That 1 is tailored for a certain audience, but it's all Greek to me.

 

[balrog]

What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?

Sea kelp.

 

[balrog]

After a few years, the wife felt their child was looking less and less like her husband and her and did a DNA test. She found out the child was not theirs and told her husband.
He said "don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you said to go change him, so I went and got a clean one"

 

[balrog]

Ah, positional humor.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

 

[homebeerbrewer]

At my local grocery store…

 

[Rish]

^^Biggest strawberries I ever saw...seedless, too!

 

[balrog]

I doubt they are seedless.

 

[balrog]

 

[Rish]

I doubt they are seedless.

Strawberry seeds (achenes) are on the outside so I'm pretty sure these are!

 

[balrog]

 

[homebeerbrewer]

Weirdest strawberries I’ve ever tried. Tasted more like a tomatoes. I’m glad I didn’t have strawberry shortcake, I don’t think it would have been very good.

 

[balrog]

Burglar breaks into a house while the family is away and is skulking about trying to find valuables to steal using a small flashlight so as not to alert the neighbors, when he hears a voice say "Jesus is watching you". He whips around and sees only a parrot in a cage. Walking over to it, and it says "Jesus is watching you". The burglar laughs and prepares to get back to it and says "silly parrot". The parrot replies "actually I'm quite adept in your language." The burglar is taken aback and says "what's your name?" The parrot replies "Moses". The burglar scoffs and says "what kind of owner names their parrot 'Moses'?" The parrot replies "the same kind of owner than names their rottweiler "Jesus".