Stupid Joke Thread!

[Closet Fermenter]

I injured myself yesterday measuring radio frequencies.


It still Hertz.

Ohm…, I don’t know watt to say about that.

 

[Steveruch]

I went to an antique auction the other day.



Four people bid on me.

Stay away from the Antiques Roadshow.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

If a drummer comes out of retirement will there be repercussions?

 

[balrog]

I want somebody to open a new restaurant and name it “I Don’t Care”, so I can finally go to the place my wife is always talking about.

 

[balrog]

Me: Wow, this escape room is really Really difficult!

Bartender: Sir, this is a brewery.

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

What’s the most depressing thing for a lover to get on Christmas morning?

A sweater, instead of a screamer or a moaner.

Reminds me of a Ron White joke... This might be a slight paraphrasing of course...

It was a little awkward the first time that she and I had had sex.
Because you know, have you heard about how some people are screamers?

Well, apparently, she'd never been with one.

 

[Sailingeric]

 

[homebeerbrewer]

What is the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?

Iron Man stops the bad guys. Aluminum Man just foils the bad guys plans.

 

[Closet Fermenter]

I want somebody to open a new restaurant and name it “I Don’t Care”, so I can finally go to the place my wife is always talking about.

When I was in college, there was a bar in town called “He’s Not Here”. Wouldn’t you just love to answer the telephone there!

 

[Lampy]

What is the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?

Iron Man stops the bad guys. Aluminum Man just foils the bad guys plans.

Aluminum Man just foils the bad guys pans.

 

[balrog]

When I was in college, there was a bar in town called “He’s Not Here”. Wouldn’t you just love to answer the telephone there!

There was a "He's Not Here" bar in Chapel Hill NC when I was in grad school there.

 

[Closet Fermenter]

There was a "He's Not Here" bar in Chapel Hill NC when I was in grad school there.

Yep! They had another location over in Raleigh where I was in school. Had to be the same owner.

 

[ncbrewer]

There was one named The Library in Greeley, CO.

 

[ba-brewer]

When I'm out in public and somebody phone rings close to me, I will say "If it's for me I'm not here".

Normally get funny looks from the younger people but an occasional smile from some of the older one.

edit: added a for

 

[balrog]

When I'm out in public and somebody phone rings close to me, I will say "If it's for me I'm not here".

Normally get funny looks from the younger people but an occasional smile from some of the older one.

edit: added a for

When someone is having a rude speakerphone phone conversation in public, I always want to walk up w a big smile lean in and yell “TELL ‘EM I SAY HI!” But I’ve never had the nerve.

 

[balrog]

 

[FloppyKnockers]

How do you say brassiere or bra in German?

Stoppen-frum-floppen!

 

[BongoYodeler]

Australia’s biggest EXPORT are boomerangs. Incidentally, it is their biggest IMPORT too.

 

[balrog]

Australia’s biggest EXPORT are boomerangs. Incidentally, it is their biggest IMPORT too.

That’s interesting because I heard about an Australian cooking show where the chef made a meringue and the audience cheered wildly........which was unusual because Australians usually boo meringue.

 

[balrog]

I wore a red shirt to go shopping the other day at Target.
Long story short, I'm covering for Susan this Friday shift.

 

[BongoYodeler]

Living in a Van Gogh down by the river!!

 

[day_trippr]

I miss that tubby bastid

 

[Closet Fermenter]

Italy's national airline, Alitalia, filed for bankruptcy last week.
I've heard a rumor that General Electric's aircraft division might be bidding to acquire it Supposedly, the new company would be called Gen-Italia.

 

[Rish]

I was called to my boss's office today because of what I was wearing. He said, "You can't wear pajamas to work." I said, "Everybody else does." He said, "That's because they're patients."

 

[Closet Fermenter]

Dolly Parton is quite a businesswoman. She’s branching out beyond her successful singing career and “Dollywood” and is getting into the grocery business.
She plans to buy and combine three existing grocery chains; Big Star, Piggly Wiggly, and Harris Teeter. The new chain will be called “Dolly’s Big Wiggly Teeters”.

 

[balrog]

I'm of an age where "picking up a hottie at the club"


Means buying rotisserie chicken at Costco.

 

[jcav]

Here is an oldie but a goodie:

I bought some batteries today at the store but they weren't included so I had to buy them again!

 

[homebeerbrewer]

I heard that FedEx and UPS are merging. The new name will be FedUP.

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[balrog]

Seen elsewhere:

-I hate that SEPTember OCTober NOVember and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months. Whoever messed this up should be stabbed.

-Actually, they *USED* to be the corresponding months. It was when Roman leaders Julius Caesar and Augustus came into power, they added July and August, throwing it off. And, FYI, on the ides of March, there was a stabbing.