Said in jest, SWMBO not amused

[PlexVector]

The real secret that must be protected is that when you are banished to the couch, you've just been sent to the room with the largest TV.

I banish myself when she switches on one of those so called reality TV shows...

 

[fantomlord]

my wife is terrible with remembering to get back to things...laundry sitting in the washer for days before it gets rewashed, etc.

the one day, she calls me when I'm on the way home from work to ask me to pick up our son because she lost track of time and forgot to go get him, and I had the wisdom to tell her "if you worked for me, I'd have fired you by now." She failed to see the humor in it

 

[firerat]

Before i met my wife, I was dating a woman 20 years older than me. I was 23 she was 43ish (I never really verified, even I'm not that dumb.)

She had a daughter who was 24 who was smoking hot. And she was a Hooter's waitress.

Anyways, miss cougar and I are laying on the couch watching TV and here comes miss Hooters in short shorts and her job qualifications just falling out.

And I got caught glancing.

Miss Cougar: Do you want to sleep with my daughter?

Me: Can I?

Apparently not.....

 

[Melana]

You dated Mrs. Robinson?

 

[firerat]

You dated Mrs. Robinson?

Coocoo cachoo....

 

[pwortiz]

I need to be able to click the like button there more than 1 time lol

Wife: I think I'm getting sick.
Me: What makes you say that?
Wife: I'm having trouble swallowing lately.
Me: Been getting sick since we got married then, huh?

 

[drainbamage]

SWMBO has occasional trouble with her knees (hereditary degenerative condition). When the pain flares up, she can't get in the mood for "fun time".

My response: "hey, your mouth/hand still works..."

Nope, I was wrong. Only one finger on each hand still works.

 

[GHBWNY]

The look I got could've castrated a spartan army.

I heard about it just yesterday. It's the latest in a long list of recently-contrived maladies for the purpose of pharmaceutical profiteering, called: HSDD "hypo-active sexual desire disorder". For real. That said, be thankful you aren't a Spartan soldier.

 

[Peruvian802]

my wife is terrible with remembering to get back to things...laundry sitting in the washer for days before it gets rewashed, etc.

the one day, she calls me when I'm on the way home from work to ask me to pick up our son because she lost track of time and forgot to go get him, and I had the wisdom to tell her "if you worked for me, I'd have fired you by now." She failed to see the humor in it

I've got a similar thing I tell my wife when she forgets the laundry, dinner plans, etc. I just tell her it will come back up during her annual review.

 

[AkBrew907]

I've got a similar thing I tell my wife when she forgets the laundry, dinner plans, etc. I just tell her it will come back up during her annual review.

When my wife first moved in to my house I unintentionally left some dirty dishes in the kitchen and around the sink. I'm usually good at picking them up but just got busy. Eventually she ended up cleaning the kitchen and all the dishes and joked about how dirty the kitchen got.

I told her it took a little longer than expected but you passed the test. You can stay

 

[Psylocide]

I've got a similar thing I tell my wife when she forgets the laundry, dinner plans, etc. I just tell her it will come back up during her annual review.

I've got a similar thing but it's the exact opposite.

I have no idea what's going on until the wife tells me... and then I'm all,

"Oh... yes... of course I remember that.

Also, is my laundry done?"

 

[gratus fermentatio]

I once asked my girlfriend "What did you do to your hair?" Apparently she'd gotten a perm because she thought I would like it that way. She was on the verge of crying, but I was able to talk her into doing something else instead.
Regards, GF.

 

[Tin4]

I once asked my girlfriend "What did you do to your hair?" Apparently she'd gotten a perm because she thought I would like it that way. She was on the verge of crying, but I was able to talk her into doing something else instead.
Regards, GF.

That does suck.

My Daughter came home with a bob once and I didn't care for it. I told her I loved it anyways and she whispers "I hate it but mom wanted it. Tell her I don't want it again.".

I'm a lucky dude. My daughter is so much like me it's scary. She argues with her mom and when she gets in trouble she does the royal we. "Look. I'm sorry you're angry but no one meant to upset you. We need to talk this out.". She uses her hands in the same way so it's like getting an apology from a tiny girl me.

 

[GilaMinumBeer]

The real secret that must be protected is that when you are banished to the couch, you've just been sent to the room with the largest TV.

It's like sending a kid to his/her room where all his/her stuff is as a punishment.

 

[Tin4]

It's like sending a kid to his/her room where all his/her stuff is as a punishment.

I take that stuff. "Go to your room!"

"Ok!"

"I'll be there in a sec to get your TV.".

"Oh man...Listen, I'm sorry. No one meant to upset you.".

 

[DrunkleJon]

I take that stuff. "Go to your room!"

"Ok!"

"I'll be there in a sec to get your TV.".

"Oh man...Listen, I'm sorry. No one meant to upset you.".

Save yourself the effort. Take a trip to the fuse box and flip off the power to said child's room. no power, no electronics. Phone in the key basket by the front door. Thank you, enjoy your punishment

 

[GilaMinumBeer]

I take that stuff. "Go to your room!"

"Ok!"

"I'll be there in a sec to get your TV.".

"Oh man...Listen, I'm sorry. No one meant to upset you.".

I do it different.

"Go to my room!"

Cause none of his stuff is in there.

 

[Tin4]

I do it different.

"Go to my room!"

Cause none of his stuff is in there.

My room is filled with toys. My toys. She'll just play with those.

 

[jmpreiks]

Accidental post

You must have said something your SWMBO did not approve of...

http://treasure.diylol.com/uploads/post/image/565411/resized_the-most-interesting-man-in-the-world-meme-generator-i-don-t-always-delete-my-posts-but-when-i-do-it-s-because-i-look-like-an-*******-016779.jpg

 

[sniktaw]

"That outfit makes you look like a hooker."

Bad, bad night.

 

[GuldTuborg]

"Sorry you had a bad day, dear. Can I do anything to make you feel better?"

"A ******* would be nice."

"Funny man. I'm not doing that."

"Oh, no worries. I'm sure I can find someone else who will."

"..."

 

[Psylocide]

"Sorry you had a bad day, dear. Can I do anything to make you feel better?"

"A ******* would be nice."

"Funny man. I'm not doing that."

"Oh, no worries. I'm sure I can find someone else who will."

"..."

Lol... I quickly noticed that the frequency of that died down shortly after we got married.

Brought it up a couple weeks later... "Hey, I noticed you kind of stopped doing that as often."

Her: "I was just doing that to 'get' you."

Me: "I can still leave."

She didn't think it was funny at the time, but it fixed the issue.

 

[GuldTuborg]

Lol... I quickly noticed that the frequency of that died down shortly after we got married.

Brought it up a couple weeks later... "Hey, I noticed you kind of stopped doing that as often."

Her: "I was just doing that to 'get' you."

Me: "I can still leave."

She didn't think it was funny at the time, but it fixed the issue.

I might have to try that line, see how it works. My wife asked me something about frequency of this and that at some point...I don't even remember exactly what the question was. Maybe she asked if I was concerned that the frequency of whatever would taper off.

Me: "No, I'm not so much concerned about that."

"Then why are you laughing?"

"Because you'd have to start with some regularity before the frequency can go down."

[angry face]

"No worries. I can find someone else who will."

 

[Brickman]

My wife finally bought new bras which made a huge improvement in her posture. One day while driving down the road I asked if she had the new bra on? She said "no why?" My response started to come out of my mouth, "Well because they look awful sag...." Thankfully somewhere deep down in the self preservation side of my brain it stopped my mouth from finishing the word "saggy". She said she could actually see the fight or flight response on my face when the brain kicked in. She got a good laugh out of it and I got grounded from them for a couple of weeks.

 

[jmendez29]

Wife: I think I'm getting sick.
Me: What makes you say that?
Wife: I'm having trouble swallowing lately.
Me: Been getting sick since we got married then, huh?

http://cdn.someecards.com/someecard...-mmmm-yes-what-did-your-dentist-say-c9428.png

 

[jmendez29]

Had a chief in the Nav who would always tell us stories of the crap he would say to his wife. My favorite was this one.

.....does this make me look fat?
Not really.

 

[Venari]

.....does this make me look fat?
Not really.

My favourite reply is always:

But honey, the dress has nothing to do with it!

 

[chisena]

"You look terrible..."

 

[cannman]

"You look terrible..."

I do that at work a lot, especially to the "prettier" girls.

"Oh wow, are you okay? You look terrible... I mean, you're fine for work... but man... *long smile and I enjoy the horrific reaction* :rockin:

 

[chisena]

I do that at work a lot, especially to the "prettier" girls.



"Oh wow, are you okay? You look terrible... I mean, you're fine for work... but man... *long smile and I enjoy the horrific reaction* :rockin:

I love it!