Said in jest, SWMBO not amused

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gl_az said:
Try introducing your current wife as your first wife at parties...damn that couch is comfortable.
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Sorry, gotta go one better. Refer to new wife (while on your honeymoon) by first wife's name when renting those pedal bikes at the beach. Don't do that and expect her to be as understanding as mine.
Saving grace? My still current wife understood cuz I had been with first wife nearly 20 years. Talk about feeling like you owe her one....
 
Well to go along with the wife and ex theme, my wife gets to work today (we work at the same hospital) and calls me later to tell me that one of her two patients (critical care RN) is my ex-girlfriend's father (whom which I work with her twin sister). So my ex is basically with my wife all day, and to make it worse, the family requested my wife to come back as his nurse the next day. My wife was basically heckled all day from her co-workers, as everyone knew I guess.
 
My wife commented that she is not as pretty now as she was when she was in her 20's. I said "I don't care about anything like that. You still look good to me."

Been regretting that 1 for 5 years...
 
lumpher said:
My wife commented that she is not as pretty now as she was when she was in her 20's. I said "I don't care about anything like that. You still look good to me."

Been regretting that 1 for 5 years...
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My standard response to any kind of "how do I look?"/"what do you think of my outfit?"/"I feel like I've gained weight" statement is "I'd do you."

It usually earns me an eye roll, but it's better than saying any of the many wrong answers.
 
drainbamage said:
My standard response to any kind of "how do I look?"/"what do you think of my outfit?"/"I feel like I've gained weight" statement is "I'd do you."

It usually earns me an eye roll, but it's better than saying any of the many wrong answers.
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"How do I look?" - "You'd look better nekkid!"

"What do you think of my outfit?" - "Would look better on the floor by the bed."

"I feel like I've gained weight" - "I picked you up 20 years ago. Not dumb enough to put you down today."
 
drainbamage said:
My standard response to any kind of "how do I look?"/"what do you think of my outfit?"/"I feel like I've gained weight" statement is "I'd do you."
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GilaMinumBeer said:
"How do I look?" - "You'd look better nekkid!"

"What do you think of my outfit?" - "Would look better on the floor by the bed."

"I feel like I've gained weight" - "I picked you up 20 years ago. Not dumb enough to put you down today."
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I just feign death until she goes away.
It works 50% of the time.
 
Hophunter said:
To preface, we have 2 boys (2.5 and 9 mo). Needless to say, private time has not been as frequent as before.
Last night, she says she got a news update (read spam mail from a news outlet) about a new female libido enhancement pill being approved by FDA. I quickly responded "they taking orders yet?." The look I got could've castrated a spartan army.

Who else had said something you thought was funny but caused you to sleep with one eye open?
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If my wife took a sex enhancement drug, she would screw me .....to........death.
 
Don't know if this qualifies since it really wasn't said 'in jest', but in a moment of brain-slippage:

Usually when I put my arms around my very shapely wife, she arbitrarily states, "Don't feel my rolls." And normally, I just look lovingly into her eyes and smile --- keeping my mouth shut. But on one such occasion, my trap mysteriously opened and out fell, "I love your rolls." End o' moment.
 
Reminds me of that line in Bridget Jones (yes, I'm man enough to admit I watched that. And read the book.) "I rather like your wobbly bits."
 
lumpher said:
My wife commented that she is not as pretty now as she was when she was in her 20's. I said "I don't care about anything like that. You still look good to me."

Been regretting that 1 for 5 years...
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My wife was hot when we met. I told her that every day. My wife gave birth to twins. She's back to her pre-baby weight within 6 months... She's still hot, I tell her everyday, it's true, and I believe it, and SO DOES SHE. Key.
 
I tell my wife she's hot everyday and remind her we have more "mom and dad" time than most other married couples that we know...she however never believes me
 
cannman said:
My wife was hot when we met. I told her that every day. My wife gave birth to twins. She's back to her pre-baby weight within 6 months... She's still hot, I tell her everyday, it's true, and I believe it, and SO DOES SHE. Key.
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This. Any time mine complains about her looks or post baby body I just tell her she looks good to me. She doesn't feel any different but she believes me.
 
Finally got a chance to use this one.

NSFW alert
We were painting our deck

Wife: You missed a spot
Me: No I didn't, shut up (I totally did)
Wife: You shut up
Me: Nice one. If I wanted my own comeback I'd look in the sheets.

I thought it was hilarious (because it was), but wife didn't seem to think so
 
Cheesy_Goodness said:
Finally got a chance to use this one.

NSFW alert
We were painting our deck

Wife: You missed a spot
Me: No I didn't, shut up (I totally did)
Wife: You shut up
Me: Nice one. If I wanted my own comeback I'd look in the sheets.

I thought it was hilarious (because it was), but wife didn't seem to think so
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Wife said she thinks the dishwasher is leaking.

I said "go outside before it gets on the floor".

She went outside before it registered. Came back in "*******!".
 
fj605 said:
When my wife was pregnant, I jokingly referred to her due date as "calving season."

That's how the fight started....
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My wife breast feeds our 4 month old, but will also pump when necessary. Sometimes when she really fills up the bottles, I feel inclined to moo. She doesn't like it, but I just can't help myself.
 
I try to filter but twice I ended relationships with the women I was dating by answering questions.

First time:
her: blah blah blah
me: uh huh
her: you're not even listening to me
me: yes I am, but I am just waiting for something important to come out

second time:
her: you wouldn't even be dating me if I was fat (and she definitely wasn't)
me: what do you mean if? (she actually thought that one was funny)
 
GotPushrods said:
My wife breast feeds our 4 month old, but will also pump when necessary. Sometimes when she really fills up the bottles, I feel inclined to moo. She doesn't like it, but I just can't help myself.
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My boss fitted a spare conference room as a "lactation room" or whatever they're called. But he always referred to it as the "milking parlor."

The gal who used it luckily saw the humor in the situation and refers to it the same way! :D
 
We were at the neighbors for some drinks and she telling how our four year old learned to jump in the pool and how she dunked her. My drunk a$$ slips out with "now I gotta teach her to hold ya under for a couple minutes.". I thought it was funny but I can see now how that could've been misperceived. :eek:
 
jplowe said:
During my wedding reception, i was asked what our future plans were. I said in jest that we would starting looking for sister wives. I didn't get the laughing reaction i was expecting.
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Uhh, I'd have fallen of my seat and literally would have been ROFL...

...But yeah, that was freakin' stupid of you...
 
jplowe said:
During my wedding reception, i was asked what our future plans were. I said in jest that we would starting looking for sister wives. I didn't get the laughing reaction i was expecting.
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Remember, its the WOMEN who decide on sister wives. The men have no say in the matter, the poor fools.
 
I ended a potential relationship with a woman one time when she asked, after I gave her a total BS story, "Are you just blowing smoke up my ass?" and I replied "What do you mean, 'just'?"

She couldn't figure out what I meant, and never talked to me again.

This... THIS is why I don't have a GF nor have ever been married...

:eek:
 
GotPushrods said:
My wife breast feeds our 4 month old, but will also pump when necessary. Sometimes when she really fills up the bottles, I feel inclined to moo. She doesn't like it, but I just can't help myself.
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If the room is really quiet, the machine starts to talk to you... "Drink me Drink me Drink me Drink me...." or sometimes is "Heee hawwww heee hawwww heee hawwww"
 
Said in jest: anything you've ever uttered, because you think you're the funniest guy ever.

SWMBO not amused: every single time, because once she's got you tied down she doesn't have to fake laugh at your stupid jokes anymore.

:D
 
04zXV.jpg
 
edroberts said:
Didn't happen to me... We ran into one of our former pastors (and a friend of mine) at an event. It had been maybe 6 months since he'd seen my wife. Asked her when she was expecting. She wasn't.

He hasn't talked to us since...
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I learned a long time ago to never assume that. Till you see the baby just assume they aren't lol
 
cannman said:
My wife was hot when we met. I told her that every day. My wife gave birth to twins. She's back to her pre-baby weight within 6 months... She's still hot, I tell her everyday, it's true, and I believe it, and SO DOES SHE. Key.
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My wife gave birth to twins nearly 4 years ago and immediately went back to her pre-baby weight. I, on the other hand, am still hanging onto the 30 extra pounds i put on when she was pregnant. I tell her all the time how amazing she looks but she never believes me.......
 

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