Post your favorite funny or snarky sayings here

[HIM_Tattoos]

From the wife:

Opinions are like penises, its fine if you have one, but when you take it out and start waving it around, then we have a problem.

My favorite is a variant of this.

Opinions are like penises.
They're great to have.
Good to hold on to.
And a lot of fun to play with.
But it's not okay to run around trying to shove it down everyone's throat.

 

[nmfree]

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but hollowpoints expand on impact!"

 

[nmfree]

If someone yawns without covering their mouth: "Are you tired, or you sizing me up?"

 

[nmfree]

If you're in the woods, and the bugs are bad: "The 'skeeters were so big, they could stand flat-footed and **** a turkey in the ass!"

 

[benco]

A friend of mine always loved Stevie Nicks and every time he would hear her voice on the radio he would say, "I'd crawl through 3 miles of glass, to a payphone, just to hear her piss in a Budweiser can!"

 

[Brewmasher]

A friend of mine always loved Stevie Nicks and every time he would hear her voice on the radio he would say, "I'd crawl through 3 miles of glass, to a payphone, just to hear her piss in a Budweiser can!"

Or "I'd eat the corn out of her sh!t"

 

[vanishingpint]

Or "I'd eat the corn out of her sh!t"

Or; I'd crawl two miles on my hands and knees over broken glass and beer bottles just to smell the tire tracks of the truck that hauls her dirty underwear to the laundry.

 

[GrogNerd]

She's so fine I'd suck the ... that made her

Eff... was that out loud?

 

[JonM]

She's so fine I'd suck the ... that made her

Eff... was that out loud?

*record scratch*

 

[MindenMan]

If Hatty Potter was diagnosed with HPV virus, would the doctor's say, "He is suffering from the Deadly Swallows." Sick, huh?

 

[Crazyeyes]

True Hatered

"I wouldn't piss up his a$$, if his guts were on fire."

 

[bdogg171]

Uglier than a dishpan full of a**holes!

 

[MindenMan]

I don't remember your face, but the top of your head looks familiar.

EDIT: a while back there was a certain sexually oriented group of men and they were disappearing without explanation. The "Missing on a Milk Carton" picture idea was discussed, but since the only thing recognizable was the top of their heads, the people of regular stature could not be of any help as all they saw were their faces.

 

[VApatriot]

True Hatered

"I wouldn't piss up his a$$, if his guts were on fire."

In Tennessee it was "if his guts was on fahr!"

 

[bobeer]

When someone says, "blah blah blah, you think?"
I always answer with "some times"

I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception

and of course "10 lbs of ugly in a 5 lb bag"

 

[atoughram]

True Hatered

"I wouldn't piss up his a$$, if his guts were on fire."

I've heard this one before bro....

 

[MindenMan]

If it was up your ass you still wouldn't know where it was.

 

[gratus fermentatio]

"Well, **** a bunch of monkeys!"
"That sucks big, blue, rhinoceros balls!"

 

[MindenMan]

"Balls", said the Queen, "Had I two I would be King."

 

[swampbrewcrew]

When it's time to leave

Piss on the fire and call the dogs.

When someone tells you how to do something you're well versed in.

I'm screwing this goat, you're just holding the tail.

 

[BalloonGuy]

This is not snarky but it was funny as hell.
We were in line forever at Disney last week. 1 of my kids calls me over to whisper in my... "I don't want to alarm you but that guy behind you has been following you for at least a half hour..."

 

[MaxStout]

When someone does something idiotic and suffers the consequences:

"Play stupid games, win stupid prizes."

 

[JRStraight]

Ya gotta be tough when you're dumb, you must be the toughest guy I know

Thats like wiping before you poop, it don't make sense

Dumber than a bag of hammers

 

[Scout]

Will you close the door? No, from the other side.

 

[gratus fermentatio]

I'm on it like a congressman on an intern!

 

[Sillybilly]

"Like shoving a wet noodle up a wild cat's ass"

"Sweating like a whore in church"

- These come from my MIL

 

[Toga]

"she looks like someone lit her face on fire and put it out with an axe"

"do you have an uncle dad?"

 

[enkamania]

How fascinating for you

 

[Schlenkerla]

Find something you like about it.

 

[The_Tick]

From my dad about beer. "Don't know how they make it so good and sell so cheap."