Post your favorite funny or snarky sayings here

[DrunkleJon]

It's okay, we're from the Government. We are here to help.

 

[LKABrewer]

Slicker than cat **** on linoleum.

 

[Inkleg]

Busier than a three legged cat trying to cover a turd on an icy lake.

 

[gratus fermentatio]

"I'm on it like a fat kid on a cupcake."
"I'm on it like white on rice."
"I'm on it like stink on ****."
"I'm on it like a fat man on a virgin."
"I'm on it like Birkenstocks on a lesbian."

 

[SharonaZamboni]

A misspoken phrase can kind of mean the same thing.
Hair's breadth. Hare's breath.

 

[jcav]

When a nosey person asks, "What ever happened with....?" Or "Where are you going?" Or "What's going on with so and so?" If it's something I can't divulge and it's private I'll put it back on them and say, "What are you writing a book?" Sometimes if they are persistent they will say "Yea", and then I will say "Well leave that part out and make it a mystery?" Or if you really want to be sarcastic and you know them real well, you can say after that "Or you can kiss my a$$ and make it a love story!" I got this a long time ago from somewhere, pretty funny though to see their reactions.....It gets you off the hook and they usually drop the questions....

John

 

[slym2none]

"You know I can hear you from here."

"So? Good! What do you want, an I-Can-Hear-You-From-Here trophy?"

"No thanks. That doesn't sound like a good prize."

 

[vanishingpint]

He's dumber than a tick on a bowling ball.
That face looks like it wore out two bodies.
If brains was gasoline you couldn't run a pissant's go cart around a dime.

 

[day_trippr]

Saw this one on Slate today:
"Do you have to wipe when you're done talking?"

That's gotta leave a burn

 

[slym2none]

Totes using that one.

 

[Hamaki]

In response to BS stories, I'll interject brief comments such as fantastic, incredible or unbelievable. Unfortunately many do not understand the meaning of those words and are encouraged to go on. If the story drags on beyond the point of any entertainment value the comments become more direct such as no way, BS, or STFU you lyin' sack o' ****.

 

[ChelisHubby]

{ he couldn't lead a pack of wolves to meat}

 

[Stillraining]

In Dog beers I've only had one.

 

[vanishingpint]

I love that story.In Peewee's voice.

 

[slym2none]

Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?!?!?

 

[slym2none]

Smells like somebody's baking brownies...

 

[DrunkleJon]

Saw this one on Slate today:
"Do you have to wipe when you're done talking?"

That's gotta leave a burn

or a skid-mark.

 

[saazall]

Sumbi*ch is tougher than boiled owl. Which, btw, is the name of an IPA I made last year.

 

[Zuljin]

Saw this one on Slate today:
"Do you have to wipe when you're done talking?"

That's gotta leave a burn

Stealing it.

Does anyone know where ... is?
If it/he/she was up your ass you'd know!

 

[Twins_Dad]

From the wife:

Opinions are like penises, its fine if you have one, but when you take it out and start waving it around, then we have a problem.

 

[OkanaganMike]

Just can't fix stupid

 

[vanishingpint]

That sumb!tch couldn't get a date in prison.

 

[JonM]

That sumb!tch couldn't get a date in prison.

... with a handful of pardons.

 

[day_trippr]

"Were you thrown against a wall as a child?"

 

[Zuljin]

If you told me water was wet, I'd touch it to be sure.

 

[OkanaganMike]

I'd like to agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.

 

[Michigan_Wolfman]

I coined this one myself after dealing with far too many idiots during the course of a really bad day........

 

[OkanaganMike]

Good news! The proctologist called.....he found your head!

 

[MFWINZLOW]

It's a toofer:

Women...you can't live with them...can't lock them in the trunk of your car.


Similar to the above:
Did someone drop you on your head when you were a child?

 

[Heavenly]

Talk with your mouth closed!!

I thought it was "you'll shut your mouth when you're talking to me".

 

[Devon]

Dumber than a box of hair.

 

[EarthwormJim]

When a nosey person asks, "What ever happened with....?" Or "Where are you going?" Or "What's going on with so and so?" If it's something I can't divulge and it's private...

Can you keep a secret?

Yes.

So can I.

Yeah, I stole that from Clue.

Also:

I can't help you if you're stupid.

 

[Rayi]

The village called for you. They are missing their idiot

 

[JonM]

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.

 

[SunnyDownSnuff]

somebody else's problem: That's not my circus, not my monkeys.

 

[Devon]

I wouldn't trust him if his tongue were notarized.

I couldn't warm up to him if we were cremated together.

 

[Spicemon1972]

Getting that dude to do anything that I say is about as likely as keeping jell-o nailed to a wall.

 

[Firewalker11]

Here's to you, here's to me, the best of friends that could ever be but if we should ever disagree, screw you! Here's to me!

 

[smurfjuice]

People starving in China ........ they shouldn't live there.

 

[seatazzz]

To an annoyed woman: Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

To an annoyed man: Who p*ssed in your Wheaties this morning?