If you just opened this like I told you to, open yourself what ever dumb **** shelf beer you're ticking, because this email is going to be a rough ******* ride.
For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this site, we have been ******* UP in terms of beer events and general social interactions with BREWERS. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so ******* AWKWARD and so ******* BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee, I've been having so much fun with my beer bros this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to ******* find you IRL to do it myself.
I do not give a flying ****, and PROFESSIONAL BREWERS do not give a flying ****, about how much you ******* love to talk about hops and yeast strains and water profiles. You have 361 days out of the ******* year to talk to homebrewers, and this week is NOT, I ******* repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the beer community, and that's not ******* possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not anyone else. Newsflash you stupid cocks: BREWERS DON'T LIKE BORING BEER TICKERS. Oh wait, DOUBLE ******* NEWSFLASH: BREWERS ARE NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE ******* SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE ******* SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little ***** that have talked openly about this little micro brewery IN FRONT OF SHAUN HILL. Are you people ******* ridiculous? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore release events. If Shaun openly said "Yeah we're gonna go tick Unblended Dirty Horse", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE **** WOULD YOU DO IT TO HIM?? IN FRONT OF HIM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other beer tastings, I don't give a **** if Isabelle is in it, if Westy is in it, or if the entire Dark Lord lineup is in that tasting. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do ******* NOT convince other bros to leave with you.
"But TripleSix", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this post, "I've been trading on BA for years and years and ticking so hard, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID ******* ASS HATS, IT ******* DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW ******* WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN ******* UP AT TRADING TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being ******* WEIRD in PMs (for example, being stupid ***** and saying stuff like "How many 120s can I get for a Broken Truck?" is not ******* funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually trading for the THE BRUERY. The ******* BRUERY. *******. BRU…. ERY. ARE YOU ******* STUPID?!! I don't give a **** about taste, YOU CHEER FOR OUR ******* LOCALS AND NOT THE OTHER ONES, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A NANO PUB? ARE YOU ******* BLIND? Or are you just so ******* dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the beer community is going to make our locals happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE ******* LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR ******* NANOS. I will ******* homie punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a **** if you BAN me, I WILL ******* ASSAULT YOU.
"Ohhh TripleSix, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little ******* that stands in the corners of the bar, or if you're a weird **** that does weird **** during release events, this following message is for you:
DO NOT GO TO BEER WEEK.
I'm not ******* kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this post and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS SITE. I would rather have 40 tickers that are fun, tick whales, and not ******* awkward than 80 that are ******* shelf beer hoarding homies. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to brewers I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't ******* show up unless you're going to stop being a ******* cock block for our tasting group. Seriously. I swear to ******* God if I see anyone being a ******* boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a ****. Go **** yourself.
